What do I do next? Part 3

[luvhurts49]

Well it's been 3 weeks since I've last been on here and not much has changed. Was ordered to mediation and that failed and now waiting to proceed to the next step.

My W keeps telling me that one day I'll thank her for leaving, but it just pisses me off every time she says it. It's like saying, you'll thank me one day for cutting off your arm...yea gee, thanks.

Had a argument over wanting to switch a day with our kids so I could go do something special with them. She wanted to swap a whole weekend because she wants to watch the superbowl. It's amazing how someone can complain for years about my insistence on watching football while she herself has never shown the lease bit of interest in it, but now all of a sudden she wants to watch football??? (and it's more than just watching the superbowl...she's been watching other football games as well). It just ticks me off.

Let's see, what else? She is still very argumentative and moody. She will complain about something or make comments about thing that I didn't even say or do, yet it's still my fault. Then later, it's all miss nicey nice and please and thank you's. Not to mention the little hand on my shoulder thing or putting her hand on my side when dropping off our youngest in the mornings.

Ya know, it would just be nice if crap would just be one way. You wanna be a cold hearted b***h, then be one. If you wanna be sweet and nice, then let's get this stuff figured out so we can make our M better. I can't continue with the back and forth, mean and then nice crap that she's been feeding me for the last 5 months. I am just simply tired of it. I love my W and I love my kids, but this whole thing is tearing me apart and I know that it's not even close to being over.

[FaithnAK]

This is where you need to understand that YOU can actually change this course.

If you truly grow tired of it you will motivate yourself to focus on your happiness. You lead it where you can control your emotions and safely detach from the roller coaster.

Reverse your role. You have no control over her actions, but you can sure control yours. If she touches you, push her hand away. She tries to hug you, walk away. She talks about what she thinks is reality, politely end the conversation. Everything that feels like it's the wrong thing to do is probably the right thing to do right now.

You taking control over your emotions and removing her 'buttons' is an act of strength. It is self empowering to know that you are controlling your feelings and leading your life in the direction you need to go even if it hurts like hell while your doing it.

If she never consistently acts a certain way, well, then all you have is yourself. What is best for you? What makes you get through the day?

[Accuray]

I will second that, if you can find a way to remove her power over you, it's amazingly liberating. MUCH easier said than done, but doing the opposite, like FaithnAK suggests is a good approach. If you don't accept her hostility and rewritten history, then don't accept her nicey nice and physical overtures either. If she puts her hand on your shoulder, step away.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

Back at it again. W tells me the other day that we need to sit down and figure this D stuff out. Now I've given her 3 chances to be amicable about this and had it thrown back into my face each time including the failed court order mediation. Now she says that we have to get this figured out because she's so far in debt that she's gonna have to file for bankruptcy and that will affect me as well.

Ya know, I make just a bit more than she does, I have more bills (granted she does pay half the mortgage) and I still am able to survive. She lives at her dad's house, only pays for groceries, and she's already maxed out her credit card (it's only in her name) and likely can't even afford to pay her attorney any longer. Now this will likely put the house in jeopardy, which is one of the few stable foundations that our kids have. It's very frustrating!!!

[luvhurts49]

I don't know why she says the things she says. Last week she tells me that we need to move on and that it is for the best. The best for who? Me, her, our kids, who? She says that she has done too much and that we have nothing to build on. Wait, so a M and home and two kids and 20 years together is nothing to build on? What the hell does it take to have something to build on?

Needless to say I'm very frustrated at this point. I love my W and love every moment I get to spend with the kids, but everything she says just eats away at me and I hate the times when I don't have my kids.

Last weekend, my W invited me to dinner with her and the kids last weekend. I was sick, so I didn't go, but why would she even offer. She's stated many times that she doesn't want me to get the wrong idea or give me or our kids false hope, so why ask to go out to dinner together? Even my oldest doesn't understand why she invited me. And why is she even going out to dinner if she is so broke?

[Grmpy_Mnky]

I know its tough, but you need to let her become mired in the consequences of her choices.

You have not detached yet either. The importance of detaching cannot be overstated. I was told eraly on that detaching was the "cornerstone" of the LBS's salvation. Once you come to realize this, you will be able to step back and appreciate or recognize what is going on around you. She tells you she does not want you to have false hope? Fine, detach. She may eventually find that the dish she ordered is unpalatable - "wait a second, I did not order this?"

I hope this makes sense. This is hard stuff man - I struggle everyday still just as many otehers around here.

[luvhurts49]

I know, detaching is tough. I've been trying to detach for some time now, but I keep holding on for some reason. I try and get out to have some fun, but when I return home, my thoughts always go back to my W and my M.

Something she said to me recently has been bothering me lately. Now she says that she loves me and will always care for me and she says that she can see that I have become a better person and a better father. What gets me is she also says that she doesn't want to be with someone where it takes a relationship to get to the point we're at before I see that there is a problem.

Now I've read numerous books about this particular subject recently and it's not like I am much different than most men. Most men don't see problems until things blow up or come crashing down around us. That is not an excuse, it's just simple statistics and is the way most men are.

Seven years ago, when we had problems before, we had a talk about this very topic. Simply put, I told my W that I am not a mind reader. If there is a problem with our R, then you need to hit me in the head with a brick to make sure I know that there is a problem. At that time she had promised me to do so, but now she says that she shouldn't have to do that. Is this just another argument for her use as her justification for putting an end to our M or something else?

[luvhurts49]

I wish I could get back to a point where my W and I could just talk to one another. We never used to have a problem with doing the simplest things like making small talk or eating, but now it's like we can't do anything together.

So not only am I having a hard time detaching, but also finding out that "someone" had sent her a dozen roses for Valentine's Day. My mind is going a hundred miles and hour without any sign of slowing down. People keep telling me that it will get better. My question is when cause I don't see it.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Continue on your journey here. She is on an entirely different journey. Of course her receiving the roses is going to hurt. I would be livid, but come here to vent. Not too long ago I would come home after a night out with friends, just to find the ever-present specter of depression and anguish waiting for me. That will improve in time - no advice can change that. I found jumping on this board to offer some salvation late at night. It will get better - one way or the other.

[luvhurts49]

Been a few weeks since I've been on here. For the first time in quite some time, my W and I had a sit down talk (my suggestion). My intention for this was to voice my thoughts on some things and to basically just get some things off my chest--nothing too major, but things that I've had bottled up for some time.

Basically I found out that my W has been depressed since the birth of our last son (3 years) and that she would find herself crying in the shower or eating snacks to overcome the depression. Keep in mind that my W is not the easiest person to read, I told her that I didn't know that she was depressed and that she never told me. She blames me for her depression and as a result, not being able to lose weight. She also said that she felt more alone when we were together than she does now out on her own. She says that she still loves me, but not how a W should and that we will never get back together again.

Now I've heard a lot of this before (except the depression part) and I told her that we have a problem communicating and she agreed. It seems that every time we have a problem we both work hard at fixing it and our communication become better. After a period of time, our communication starts to get bad again but we can't seem to figure out how to get it back until things completely blow up.

At this point I told her that it is obvious to me that in order to help fix our communication problems, that we need to seek professional help (ie communication workshops, couples therapy, etc). She tells me that it would only help with co-parenting. I simply said that I understand her point of view, but it is my hopes that by being able to communicate with each other again that we will both realize that we not only still love each other, but that we still want to be with each other.

I told her that I didn't want an answer right now and I really don't want her to think about it on that day, but to put some thought into it another time and to let me know whether this is something that she would be willing to do. I've found some great places that specialize in couples communication and have some great reviews/results. I am hopeful that she will be agreeable to going to one of these.

I know this is backsliding a bit, but I'm at the end of my rope. I've lost almost all communication with my W, D is heating up, and things are become much more complicated.