W and I agreed on presents and not to do more. As it turns out her favorite travel mug broke a month ago. I was buying a new one for myself and buying two got me free shipping which was the same price as one with shipping. So now I have a second and don't need two. I've been debating whether to give it to my w or my assistant..
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Ah yes, another bomb. She's going to a Christmas party out of town by herself overnight at friend's house I've never met. While I get it's her life and I don't want to control her. This sure isn't like her. Just another twist of the knife.
Believe nothing what you hear and half of what you see. Sure, it's another bomb. Water off a duck's back. You gotta roll with it. It's usually not the bomb we make it to be. Don't let your mind run off on a tangent. Give yourself a break here.
I said this to another but you need to hear this also,
'Be pleasant. Be understanding. Be easy with forgiveness where appropriate. Give the space she needs when asked for. If you get a feel she doesn't want to be around you excuse yourself with no fanfare. Go do your own thing with no muss or fuss. Be a soft place for her to land on. If things get a little tense, excuse yourself politely and go do your own thing for a bit. Go play some pool with a few buddies or something like that. (Sure, ok, if W does get out of sorts and unfair, 'you can be much better when you're not like this to me. Let's come back to this later once we've cooled down, good with you?)'
As a side note, are you writing this down in a journal? Seeing it for what it is on print and working out possible solutions? Step by step even? Get it down where you can see it so it doesn't race around the mind so much. Helps one to be more objective.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Thanks much. Yes those are good. Not sure How I missed this but thanks, I do need to get better at doing just what you suggest. This is the certainly what struggle with the most - finding my own thing to do and not dwelling on what she's doing.
Now for an update. Conversation after Christmas eve dinner went something like this.
From her, we're too smart and too good of parents for it to hurt our kids too badly. I replied, I think that if we're that smart and good then we'd be able to figure out how to move forward together with us both being there as parents to our kids. She said, "if we got back together, how would you see it working"
I told her i really don't know, I can't promise I'll never say anything that wont hurt her feelings, or have another argument that doesn't go anywhere, but I know that I don't want those things, that I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, that i want her to be happy, me to be happy and for us to be there together for our kids" The conversation went on to her reluctance to therapy and other issues but that portion I just mentioned was paused only by her crying in my arms.
Sunday and Monday, more of the cold shoulder and discussions on need to know basis only. The roller coaster commences.
I'm really curious if anyone thinks that comment is any sort of breakthrough moment or do I add this to the list of believe nothing.
Meanwhile tomorrow she leaves for an interview I think which happens to be in a town 5 hours away. She didn't tell me that but given some comments and recent visits there I'm pretty confident that's what's going on. I told her "I don't know what you're doing tomorrow but whatever it is, good luck". She said thanks and put her head on my chin.
Just can't figure out how her desire to make these changes in her life outweighs the hurt our kids are going to go through.
Thanks much. Yes those are good. Not sure How I missed this but thanks, I do need to get better at doing just what you suggest. This is the certainly what struggle with the most - finding my own thing to do and not dwelling on what she's doing. DO THAT^^^ MORE...
Now for an update. Conversation after Christmas eve dinner went something like this.
From her, we're too smart and too good of parents for it to hurt our kids too badly. I replied, I think that if we're that smart and good then we'd be able to figure out how to move forward together with us both being there as parents to our kids. She said, "if we got back together, how would you see it working" wow... this was your chance to show her the NEW YOU and that marriage to you now and from this day forward
would be different and better...
if you cannot give ANY specifics as to how YOU have changed and how YOU would handle things differently
why would she stay?
Sorry but I think you missed a real opportunity. Seems to me when SHE asked how things would be different, you said
"Oh who knows? Maybe I'll be better but I might not, and I hope you can handle it when I hurt you again."
I told her i really don't know, I can't promise I'll never say anything that wont hurt her feelings, or have another argument that doesn't go anywhere, but I know that I don't want those things, that I don't want to repeat the same mistakes, that i want her to be happy, me to be happy and for us to be there together for our kids"
how about saying "If I had it all to do again, there are A LOT of things I'd do differently....such as"--and then list 3!
what happened to your 180s and the new you? What changes are you making that you can discuss with her?
The conversation went on to her reluctance to therapy and other issues but that portion I just mentioned was paused only by her crying in my arms.
Sunday and Monday, more of the cold shoulder and discussions on need to know basis only. The roller coaster commences.
Thoughts?
you have my thoughts.
I hear mostly anger from you and very little insight into what YOU ought to do more of or less of.
Can you share some of those?
how would life be better or different from before?
Aren't you curious? I mean, why won't she want out again, if you are the same man as before?
think it out in some detail.
She needs and wants & is asking for reassurance from you that YOU can change and therefore the marriage can...
Give that to her.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It's more "efficient" time wise than mc and we found that some marriage counselors rehash the past a lot. Retrovaille won't rehash. It's solution based and helps you stay in the present...
It's very helpful and you don't HAVE to share publicly...
there are couples there who have worked out serious problems that will make yours pale in comparison (like having an affair AND a child die) and they wanted out of their m's...
and yet they have made it to the other side. They're excellent guides...
good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Interesting week over Christmas and new years. Without all the details suffice it to say i had some successes, had some backslides and learned a lot. The roller coaster is absolutely crazy. From F you's the first part of the day, arguing about who is in a better position to be the primary caregiver to our kids, etc, to then reminding me to buy the tickets for our upcoming trip together. That was all yesterday to a pretty normal friendly day to day. Feeling good about myself one moment to anxiety attacks the next.
I get the list of 37, I do. But my kids, avoiding if possible them getting hurt, that is my framework. My backslides are both lack of understanding - not talking to family means about anything!, not just trying to avoid her side and intimate details. My efforts of thinking those conversations were helping me and showing her I could avoid her details was apparently impossible. Ok lesson learned. They are also about weakness - discussing the relationship, applying logic, trying to understand and cajole. I know, I know.
Happened to see something she was working on, a business plan, her leaving, she's defining what success for herself looks like. It's far away with my kids without me. Realized her focus is her future. She's made the decision, she has the power. I've been told time and time again I need to do the same thing, focus on my self, find a way to move forward.
I've been saying that to myself for two months. Still don't know what it means. I'm a husband and a father. I like it. It defines me. Back to my framework. My goal is to not have my kids get hurt. Within that framework, what does moving forward look like? What does focusing on me look like? How do I detach? How can read every possible definition of the word aloof and still not know how to do it? I love my kids.
I've been saying that to myself for two months. Still don't know what it means. I'm a husband and a father. I like it. It defines me. Back to my framework. My goal is to not have my kids get hurt. Within that framework, what does moving forward look like? What does focusing on me look like? How do I detach? How can read every possible definition of the word aloof and still not know how to do it? I love my kids.
Change 'husband and father' to 'wife and mother' and you have my thoughts written down exactly. I know people say that my H does not determine my happiness, but he's a big part of my definition of happiness- he has given me a wonderful home and 2 beautiful kids. Those life experiences define me, and they have exposed me to what makes me happy.
My H stil lives in our home because of finances. Detaching is super hard when I have to see him and talk to him daily. Not sure if this helps you, but what I have started to do is to make sure that I look busy when I know he's going to see me. I'll have my laptop out and be clicking/typing away and not even give him a glance when he comes in the room (not normal for me because I think it's rude to ignore someone) I've also started to make sure that I'm not in the house when he gets here... it's silly, but I've even waited down the street until his truck passes just so I can come home after him- he's usually surprised and asks where I've been (of course I don't answer him so I can stay aloof)
Sorry, I don't have the answers you're looking for... if I find it, I WILL share my wisdom (as long as you do the same for me too.) The things that have worked for me best are to post a lot- and someone usually has some insight that inspires me, and read the posts of people that have done this for a while- their sitchs usually address similar issues.
Until we find a solution like a magic 'detachment pill'... I'll save you a seat on this roller coaster. I'd really like to know when I can get off!!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
Oh purgatory, thank you. Agreed, the detachment pill - where can I get one. I'll keep looking as well.
We live together as well, trying to keep our kids from knowing for now, apparently till I come around and she has more answers. My number one pain point is them. Just cant get my head around telling them.
I'm trying to do much of what you're doing as well. It is very hard. And when she's being nice the desire to talk about things is very great. I've been successful the last couple of days, but we also had the big blow up on Tues. Amazing how the roller coaster is hours and minutes and days and months. The emotion coaster in hours is crazy. So while that's going on trying to detach and look indifferent is a battle. The the coaster between us is odd too. Since the bomb we've had genuine hugs, even a kiss or two. But also plenty of negative interactions as well.
I wish I had more wisdom to share as well. I don't think I'm doing as well as I could be. I see the success in the DB things, but like the last couple of days when she's being nice, opening up conversations, it's hard not to reply. I'm a talker anyway, so I'm trying to not do that so much, but when the kids are around (every morning, every evening) it's difficult not to be engaged in the conversation.
Do you journal your conversations? I've been trying to do that. I don't really go review them, but there does seem to be something therapeutic about doing so. I've also done some coaching lessons with Laurie and they have been extremely helpful. I'm trying to spread them out though and not use them for coping, but rather advice on dealing with situations. The crazy thing is that even though they have been really good, it's tough to look back and be able to pinpoint all my successes with my W. Everything is a blur. More later.
