I have not posted an update in what feels like years for me. Brace yourself as this may be a long one…although not as long as a “short” PEI post <insert picture with a grin>.
Most of you know that I am divorced now but for those of you who do not know my story….I can sum it up by saying…”what a ride”! .
Update: The past few months have been interesting to say the least. I ended a relationship that I was having; one that I probably should have ended a while ago but didn’t. In the end, I guess I needed to learn a few things about myself from the R. The women that I ended to R with has been calling and texting me almost every day (after I went dark for 3 months). Unfortunately it is the type of R where I feel that I cannot leave the door open at any level. I am not opposed to having a civil R at some point but it will be with very clear boundaries, if at all. At the end of the day, she is a nice lady just not for me. After ending the R, I dated for a short period of time (FTR, there are a lot of psycho in the dating world) and then decided that I was going to alone until after the holidays. I had been enjoying my life. Enjoying myself and really just living…I just felt that I wanted to spend some time with me.
As I made the choice to be alone…..my friends kept saying that I should keep dating; that the person for me is out there. My response, which for me was so different was that I was not going to look. That if someone was out there for me that she would need to come knock on my door. I felt that if it was God will that I be with someone and if it was meant to be that I did not have to “control” the sitch…rather I wanted to just let what is going to happen….happen. We’ll two weeks or so later…it happened. I went to a party that a friend of mine had – I went alone and really went to just hang out and have a good time. It was at this party that I meant, who I will call Miss N. As I said early…the person would have to come knock at the door. Well she came up to me at the party. We talked. We had a lot in common and although I was attracted to her I really felt that I was just going to be alone and did not want to make any mistakes. I still felt that the person that I was suppose to meet would actually pursue me (not an easy thing for a guy to do – think of it as the guy that goes to a party but never talks to a girl…rather is waiting for the girl to talk to him). I left the party early that night and went home. The very next day, I was thinking about Miss N. Thinking…..WOW, she was nice, smart, funny, attractive, had a smile that could light up a room...as I was thinking about Miss N, I received an email from her. Coincedence??? Fate?? Maybe. In her email…..she wanted to say hi and tell me that she really enjoyed talking to me. She wanted to know if it was okay that we continue the conversation over coffee. I was like WOW…..but my second thought was “I should be alone”, “I am tired of this dating thing”, “I feel comfortable with where I am at”….at the same time I really did like this person and so I agreed to meet. We went out to dinner and ended up closing the restaurant. We ended up spending the next few weeks really getting to know each other. We agreed early on to not allow intimacy into the R, until we felt ready for it (we both have already done the wam bam thank you mama thing). So we allowed the R, to just grow. We are now dating exclusively. I have no idea if this is going to work and if it does for how long. I am also at a different place/point in my life. I am living ONE DAY at a TIME. I enjoy the time we have together and have learned a lot about the challenges of truly “reconnecting” post divorce. It is not as easy as one would think…fears can set in and hinder ones ability to be totally open. As things with me and Miss N have progressed I have had to face some of those issues head on. I have come to realize that nothing and no one is guaranteed to be together forever. The words that Cat said to me….oh about a year and a half ago still ring true to me………”accept people that are in your life, enjoy them for the time that they are in your life, for sometimes that are in it for a season, sometime for many seasons”. Thank you Cat for those words. It is these words that remind me that we must all live our lives, as the people we choose to be. That when you find the happiness inside yourself you no longer seek or NEED it from someone outside and although it feels great to be in an R. The R should not take precedence of your own dreams. I am approaching this R very differently. I accept each day for what it is. I appreciate the time that we have together. If it were to end tomorrow, I know now that I would “feel it” but I also know that I will “make it” Miss N and I are moving fast but interesting enough….it does not feel rushed. Not rushed at all. She is a wonderful lady and I a wonderful man. In part because of the people on these boards and in some ways my XW. Yesterday, I meant the parent of Miss N – a big step if ya ask me. Apparently I received “RAVE” reviews from her parents, who I understand must have some level of concern? Why? Miss N, is 29 years old, has never been married and does not have children. I on the other hand am 42, with 3 great kid and an XW…who to put it nicely has “issues”. So I totally could relate to any concerns her parents may have had. Apparently, I made have squashed some of those concerns last night. Miss N has met my children. My daughter (10 yo. who many of you know is my world) likes her. My boys (16 and 17) like her as well. I was planning to hold off the introduction to my kids, however, my boys really wanted to meet her. In short, things are good…no….great! I think about many of you daily…some of you, I still talk to on the phone daily. Know this…you are always on my mind and in my prayers.
Ok enough about Miss N……so I am sitting home one day last week and my niece reaches out to me. For background purposes, she was one of the people who really chose the side of XW during the process. As did several of the family friends we had together, most notably two couples that we were friends with for so many years.
So, I was taken-a-back about why she choose to reach out. I mean right now, life is good, my kids are good, everything is good. So I had to ask myself, did I want to respond? Why did she reach out, what did she want, did I really want to become affiliated with my old sitch? Having given it some thought…..I decided to respond – I figured if anything maybe I just needed to tell my niece that I forgive her. Maybe she needed it. I also realized that I did miss her too. So I responded and she came over yesterday. When she arrived, she said she needed to talk. I told her I would listen. She started by apologized for not reaching out to me during the entire divorce/separation, she apologized for taking sides. She apologized for a lot of things. She did justify some of everyone’s action to disassociate by saying that they “knew you were strong Eric so we knew you would be fine. XW on the other hand was not strong so we (my niece and the mutual friends) felt we needed to be there for her”. I told her that I had forgiven her and that I understood. I also said that in many ways things happened just the way they were supposed to happen. My niece then went on to say that she felt that I needed to “hear” what has really been going on between my XW, her and the family friends. I told her that it really did not matter but that if she needed me to listen to her I would. What she said to me I never really expected and really confirmed what I have felt for so long, which is that my XW is really in a very dark place.
What I learned about what XW is going through is actually quite interesting. I am sharing in the hopes that some of you going through this experience will come to understand just how “broken” someone in an MLC can be. Here is what I learned about XW:
• The mutual friends that we had…have now written off XW. To quote “we are all done with her”. The mutual friends feel that XW is a lair and has used them for the past few years. My niece indicated that XW is losing all of her friends, since all she does is spend time with OM. • The friends are upset that when XW has the children the only time she contacts them is to drop off the kids so that she can be with OM. They are tired of it. • Apparently OM’s (whom is still the same married supervisor) wife is aware of the sitch between OM and XW. She apparently confronted the two of them and physically beat on OM, in front of XW. Then (and I find this amazing), the three of them went and “talked”. XW and OM remain together and OM has indicated that his wife does not want to “agree” to a D. It is sad to hear that this is the life that XW has chosen for herself. • XW and OM have gone on vacation together – yet tells the friends that she does not have any vacation time to spend with the kids. • The overall consensus from the friends is that XW should not have D’d me and that she is still lost and although she claims to want to be her own independent woman that all she has done for herself is follow another man. • The friends are unhappy with how XW plays or talks to and around the kids. She continues to lie to the children and the friends feels that is wrong. • All of her close friends feel that XW is totally broken and beyond repair…that the only way XW will ever, if she ever, fixes herself is if OM dumps her. • The friends feel that XW will stay this way for a long time……since the r between OM and XW works (his W knows and I guess they are both comfortable with it) that XW will not look at herself. • XW went to a psychic with my niece. The psychic told XW that a dark cloud remains over her and that she is broken. • Since XW did not like what the psychic said she went to a card reader….who pretty much said the same thing. • XW is unable to pay her bills and will tell anyone that will listen how overwhelmed she feels. • XW contacts OM for everything and when he is not available, it is at that point that she contacts the friends, who now do not care to deal with her. • OM older daughter (apparently his kids are older) is estranged from her dad, as a result of his R with XW. • The mutual friends feel that XW wear a mask of happiness around them but deep down inside is totally depressed. • XW calls the friends constantly, complaining about the kids and how difficult it is. • XW feels that I still want her back, which I laughed at.
I would lying if I did not say that I felt some degree of satisfaction about what XW is going through but at the same token I feel sad for her. So what did hearing what I did mean or show me?
• Having felt everything that I felt hearing this stuff, other than “feeling sorry” for XW, I did not feel like I need to do anything for her. • She is still broken and may be broken for a very long time. • My kids really need me to continue to be the best parent I can for them. In some ways, I still feel like a single parent. • Part of me want to separate myself even more from XW. When the bubble burst I really do not want to be around. • Although I will always love XW to some extent….I am no longer in love with the woman that I was married to. She is truly gone. • I feel like everything I did to work on me (and I am still a work in progress) was really the right path to take. I wished that my XW would get the help she needs. • I feel a little frustration…..we have children together so unfortunately I still have to deal with her on some level. • I still have fond memories of my marriage and the women that once was – and those memories I will cherish forever. • I feel like my children will unfortunately be impacted by this, in a way that I may not be able to see or deal with for a long time. It is sad.
Enough about XW…..on to the kiddies…..
First and foremost, the R between my oldest and I has taken a huge turn for the positive. Man was it tough. It was very hard to sit and allow him to “process” whatever he feels he needed him to process. He appears to have made it “through”. We talk al the time now. It is truly a very good father son relationship. So for any of you that do not have hope, or are dealing with a child that appears angry at you – know that it will GET BETTER. Interesting enough….a few weeks ago I was driving with my oldest and my D (10), my oldest started to complain about his mother. My daughter chimed in and said to him that he should not be bashing mommy. His response “D, I am saying how I feel. I am not bashing mommy. I call it the way I see it. Dad can tell you how angry I was with him when I felt the way that I did. What mom does these days is wrong so I am only speaking the truth”. It took everything in my power not to smile and I didn’t my response to him….”I understand how you may feel this way Jr. but she is still your mother and you need to respect her”. When I got home….I smiled though…..couldn’t help it. After all of this, all of the pain, the words she played against me, the game she played with their feelings. My thoughts….ya reap what you sow. So for anyone going through….please always take the high road. Your children will one day form their own opinions. So always be the best parent you can be.
As for my middle son, he is still the same lovable kids that he always was. Interesting, this Saturday they were supposed to be with mom. My middle son comes over to me and says….”dad, we do not like it at moms”. She is never home and so I am asking dad…can I stay tonight? Please?”. My heart melted. My response…as long as it is okay with your mom I’m okay with it. I wanted to cry. For those vets who have been with me during this process, you can understand how sweet those words were to me. It has been a hard fought battle. Hard. Many thanks to all of you….for never letting me quit. Words cannot truly convey my thanks.
On to my little girl. She is still spoiled and still daddy’s little girl. I am working hard to become a little more firm with her. I need to. She needs to understand that I am the parent not her. It is work in progress. I can tell she misses her mother. Yet she loves being with me. A few weeks ago, she was torn… it was my day to be with her. When I went to pick her up she was a little sad. I asked her do you want to stay with mom? Her response…I am not sure. I told her that I was okay with it if she really wanted too (FTR, I first checked with XW to make sure that she did not have plans). My D could not make up her mind. I knew right from the start that she did not want to hurt either of our feelings so we did the unexpected. We flipped a coin. LOL. We actually did, heads you stay with mom, tails you come with dad. Mom won and so did everyone. My daughter receive some quality time with her mother, she did not feel bad and I spent some quality time with just my boys.
Okay…enough of an update from me. I look forward to any comments or questions.
In closing, I miss all of you and wish you nothing but the best in each of your sitch’s. For the newbies…..please listen when folks say to you to work on yourself and detach. It really is the only way.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Thanks for the update--I am glad to hear things are going so well for you. I'm also glad for the XW insights.
I get the impression that my XH thinks I still want him back too or am waiting for him...I've told him this isn't the case, but he doesn't seem to believe me. I wonder if the exes tell themselves this because a lot of us do not get involved with someone exclusively for a long time; they can tell themselves "well despite what I did, my ex still is single, so there must be no one out there better than me."
There are times that I've temporarily wished to be with someone just so XH could not tell himself that I'm sitting here waiting or feeling sad. I GAL all over the place but the only type of GALing my XH "gets" is being in a relationship. In his world nothing else matters, where in my world, I have a million things going on that do matter that have nothing to do with a rel.
Anyway in the end, even if this is what they tell themselves, whatever. It's really of no consequence to us anymore.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
BTW, a friend of mine just pointed out something that was not really expanded on in my update.
The struggles that I have had with Miss N.
What I have learned is that "reconnecting" is really hard after you go through this MLC process. I have had a lot of fears to deal with. A lot center around her age. She is 29 and I 42. So BOTH her and I have struggled at times. Her friends are younger, mine older. Both side have questioned us and challenged us. Typical stuff....what if she has her own crisis later on, what if she wants more kids, do you realize when she is 40 you will be 52, will you be able to keep up with her, etc.
Miss N and I have talked about this stuff in detail. At one point she really flipped out. We were in the car and she started saying "I'm not sure of what I want", "You seem to have your chit together and I need to get mine together", "this is all so new to me", "I want to make sure this is right for me", etc.
It's funny the old me would have applied pressure, would have tried to convince her that she was making a mistake. Would have tried to talk my way out of it. Well that is the old me. What I did instead was...go dark immediately. I told her that I understand how she felt. She said she was going to call me later that evening. She never did. So the very next day, at 7am she text me..."I would like to talk to you. I am sorry I did not call last night". I never responded. She emailed me at work. I never responded. She sent another text "I need to talk to you". I never responded. She sent an instant message to my job "can I please see you today". I never responded.
I eventually responded with a text that said, I am free to talk to you from 4 - 4:30 pm. Meet me in front of the garage. When I arrived she was already in the garage. We got in my car and I said...okay you wanted to talk...I am hear to listen.
So she started....."Eric, I realized last night, that it is more painful to not have you in my life then to face my fears". "I wanted to tell you that although I am scared - I'm all in". "I am committed to you, to us". "i have never dated anyone with kids, or who has been divorced so this is all new to me. and I flipped out. I am sorry". "I love you and I want to be with you".
I did not respond for a while, she started to cry. "I'm scared Eric, this seems to good to be true. You seem to good to be true. Sometimes I wonder if you are real.". "So are you willing to give this a shot. Do you want this to work" "Why arent you saying anything".
My response was..."Miss N, I know what I want in my life and what I will allow in it. I am willing to give this a shot. I too am scared. I am willing to face the fears. I understand what you may be feeling. That said, I have said to you that communication is key. It is the most important thing to me. Communication...brutal honesty is what I ask for. Even if that hurts". "So we can give this a shot, if you feel this way again, tell me. I do not want to deal with this again".
She apologized several times. Said she knew that when I did not return her text or emails that I had already detached. She said if I did not respond to her that day that she was going to drive to my house. That she wanted ME. She applogized again".
Since this, things have been great. We both talk about this being the first bump in the road for us. I met her parents and the response I got today was....."my parents RAVED about you".
Although I Miss N and I dealt with this, fear is something that I have to learn to deal with. It is a daily process. I must continue to remind myself of Cat's message...enjoy what I do have with Miss N while also NEVER loosing Eric.
Fear....damn I hate it but face it we must all.
In closing, what I learned from this experience is just how much we must VALUE ourselves. I value myself enough to let her go. I know what kind of man I am...so I am willing to let go of anyone that does not put into the R as much as I do. I am still a work in progress.
Peace Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
First of all, good for you, E. You deserve to have someone who realizes the kind of man you are.
I am not surprised about the relationship you now have with your children. I always say that as long as you do nothing to injure their relationship with the other parent and that you are honest and present, they will realize the truth.
Your beautiful daughter is at a difficult age. She needs her mom and there is not much you can do regarding that. But tossing the coin was a wonderful solution.
As far as your relationship with Ms. N. goes, there is nothing you can do to change your ages, nothing you can do about the fact that you have children and are divorced and so, she must work through it and decide if she can handle it.
I know you will continue to be your wonderful self. Give her the space she needs to figure out her feelings.
Take is slow, E. No rush, right? Let it all unfold as if will.
Enjoy your time with her and your time alone. And keep remembering that either way, you are ok.
The words that Cat said to me….oh about a year and a half ago still ring true to me………”accept people that are in your life, enjoy them for the time that they are in your life, for sometimes that are in it for a season, sometime for many seasons”.
Originally Posted By: Eric
I must continue to remind myself of Cat's message...enjoy what I do have with Miss N while also NEVER loosing Eric.
All of the hours I spent reading your novels…
All of the posts and 2x4’s...
All of the hours on the phone, emails, text messages...
And THIS is what you remember?
Sigh...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
