Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Abbey]

Respect. One of the things that takes a huge hit in this sitch. The word that keeps creeping into my mind is "weak". I would have never thought that of my H. But now it's quite there.

Does that respect come back? I think only once they start showing themselves coming back to their regular brains. I think that shoving them out of the nest (which is what clearly is what needs to be done in your sitch too.)...forces them to gain respect for us, and themselves.

Abbey

[Abbey]

KML, again: the lynch pins are that the WAS is willing and able to do the work. AND the fact that we as the betrayed spouses... we KNOW what they are capable of as far as lies, deception, sneakiness, etc etc etc. It all factors into if we actually make it through a reconciliation at all.

Abs

[MynameisMZ]

Been catchin' up on your sitch.

My 2 cents? When the entire truth came out for my sitch, I was very clear that I was not going to live with him if he continued with ow. I was not going to "kick him out" of the house, but he got the message that he would have to choose and if he chose her, he had to leave. It was a difficult balance. He took the day off from work and drove me to an island we used to go to when first dating to talk and decide. I suppose he needed to know if he had a chance with me. Ironically, ow called him while we were there and he said, "Not now!" One of his employees told me (later) that she was a basket case all that day at work. H said she started cutting herself. Friggin borderline.

Puh! Respect? It is a long time coming in the healing. I must be honest with you...at least for me it's been very difficult. You see such an ugly, nasty, pathetic side of them. How they can lead TWO women on and when there are kids involved? That much worse.

Hey, I love my H and I chose to take him back. It has not been easy. It would have been easier to split and start anew. I AM happy I stayed and it does get easier as time goes on. Your emotions WILL ambush you at times. He has to deal with it. I don't apologize as much anymore. Being in this section has helped me become more self-assured. Thanks to all of you who regularly post here. <<<<HUGS>>>>

Anyway, that is not where you are now. I will be here for you regardless of what you decide to do. I do think you are in a good place emotionally. Well....the best you can be considering the circumstances. It will help you stay strong and stick to your plan. Just be honest with yourself and you'll be OK.

I was curious as to what you would say to him if you could right now....?

[Nblost]

My problem is I've known H has been having a full-blown PA since August and he told me to my face in September (in front of our MC when we went to our only session) that he couldn't give up the A and having sex with OW. So, I feel like I've known enough of the whole truth for three months and nothing has changed. I told him to choose in October or he needed to leave and he wouldn't or couldn't.

H got home yesterday. We had work parties at the same bar (separate parties scheduled the same night...kind of weird) and we visited each other's coworkers. H came over towards the end of my party and sat with me and a couple of the guys I worked with and we had a relatively fun time. H was very curious about my work trip last week (that ended in my fling) but I didn't tell him anything about that. I did tell him a few tidbits about getting a lot of attention from men at the bar.

When we walked out to the parking lot, I told H I have realized I want things to change with our marriage and told him a couple examples of things--like I want more passion and I want us to be more open with each other. We then kissed in the parking lot and went home and were passionate with each other in bed (without fully ML). H wasn't very intoxicated...I clearly was. So, I guess if my high road was supposed to include being sexual with H...I accomplished that.

One of my friends commented this morning that I must still have a lot of feelings for H. I know I do...but I also know I've been distracted by my fling from last week and a little more "amped up" than normal thinking about that.

But, really...nothing has changed or will change until H is willing to give up the A. I guess I just ignore it for now?

If I could tell him anything right now? I would tell him more about how I want things to change and about how much he's hurt me and the kids. I guess I would just be very honest.

To Abbey's point though, until he's ready to hear it? I don't think I should bother.

[Nblost]

H just left again for work/OW's city. He's gone until Friday morning.

We had a typical weekend. H was nice, but kind of distant. We didn't have any sexual contact. H gave me a couple breaks to get some shopping done but otherwise, we basically did things with the kids.

Tonight, we got into talking about H's job and a promotion he was offered. The pay isn't much of an increase, and he will need to continue to travel. The company also wants him to start paying for his own travel in 6 months. I was asking him how he felt about the promotion outside of "everything else". He really likes the company and he thinks it's a great chance to manage a big piece of business. He seems to want the job although he's trying to negotiate for more pay.

We then got into if he'd continue to travel or is this a sign that maybe he should relocate (to OW's city). I reminded him that we can't keep living like this and tried to ask him what he wants to do. He doesn't know and feels like he can't talk to me about it. I told him I'm having a hard time because we have such a one-sided relationship. He agreed. He said he feels like he's been honest with me but I said I'm struggling more with the "lies of omission"....he agreed. We had a talk that was very similar to past talks and it just feels like he is torn. The kids then interrupted us and H came over and rubbed my shoulder. Before we stopped talking, he agreed to go to our MC after the holidays.

We were then downstairs with the kids for awhile but eventually ended up back upstairs and H offered to give me a back rub (I've had a sore shoulder). That led to us talking more. I told H that I still want to work on our marriage, but I don't know for sure how things will work out. He said that wasn't very comforting. I told him I just meant that if we try... if he still doesn't feel good about things...we don't have to stay married. I said I was trying to be positive that trying doesn't necessarily mean he's stuck with me.

He said he thinks that if he lights a match to he and OW's relationship--the whole thing will go up in flames and he'd never get it back. (Really?? and this is the relationship you are risking our family over??) He said though that he still isn't sure he wants to stay married. He didn't like the way we interacted both before and after the affair. I told him I didn't like our marriage before either and we talked about some of our issues and how we didn't work on them. Since the affair, I told him that I couldn't compete and I've felt like I've had to detach from him. (But, makes me realize that the LRT may be too distancing from him and my 180 may need to be being more open with him)

He also admitted that he hasn't talked to anyone about his affair. I think he lied when he told me he had told one of his friends who is divorced. I encouraged him to talk to his friends and he said he doesn't want to in case we work things out. (I think it's a combination of that and of not wanting to tell people what he has done)

We capped off our discussion with our most sexual encounter yet...but no ML still (which is fine). I had also woven into our discussion that I am nearing my breaking point and this is the longest I've gone without sex since I was 18. (I think it's been about 7 months). I don't want to get into a new relationship and I want to work on our marriage...but I am getting tired of this. I won't get graphic, but something funny happened near the end of our "interlude" and H was still laughing about it when he walked out the door to to go the airport. (We both thought it was funny)

Anyway...the positives are:

H agreed to go to counseling in January.
Our discussion was relatively positive without H getting too defensive about the A or too critical of our marriage.
He seemed to be worried about satisfying me sexually.
He left on a funny/affectionate note

The biggest to me is getting him into some counseling. I still honestly feel like I just need him to come to a decision...and hopefully with counseling, it'll be a good one.

M: 43
H: 45
Married: 12 years
PA/EA since August 2011
A continues...

[Nblost]

I'm not getting overly excited...but called H at the airport (I thought it would be good to do a bit more pursuing). We had a friendly conversation and I thanked him for agreeing to counseling. H agreed it was the right thing to do for us and for him. He said, "I still care about you".

I'll take that as enough of a baby step for tonight.

[Abbey]

Good baby step. These things are so fragile at this point. They have to get comfy in their own skin again. It's hard, ...because we see something positive and it feels like it's being ripped out of our fingers at the slightest threats.

Careful not to clutch too tightly. I know from my own experience, easier to say, than actually do.

Abbey

[Nblost]

Yep, Sunday night felt better...yesterday, while he's in OW's city? Barely any contact. I got a couple text messages. (I was trying to initiate a bit more and be friendlier).

I am traveling for work and a bit under the weather, so I'm not in a great mental frame of mind right now. I think it's hard for me to be alone away from the kids. I'm also doing my self evaluation for my year at work and realizing how badly I've been performing since H started his A. Just makes me angry (on top of everything else making me angry)

I really hope H can follow through and we can go to some counseling. I am sure that will be very hard, but I am tired of this life.

I guess at least H is coming home for the holidays.

[Nblost]

Today was another hard day. Very little contact from H--I'm very suspicious he is staying with OW this week...nothing new, but more hurtful given what felt like a positive conversation about counseling on Sunday night. Definitely good advice not to get too excited by baby steps!

I nearly lost it today with H over text messages--mostly just that he won't respond, we have a ton going on before Christmas, and of course, I'm imagining him just having fun with OW.

But, I called a couple friends and vented to them. I also stopped by the office of my "fling" from the other week and talked to him about H. He invited me to go to lunch which was just a nice, coworker lunch. He's a good distraction for me.

My parents are here helping me with the kids for a couple days which has been HUGE. However, they don't know about my sitch so I find myself having a hard time being comfortable and open around them. I especially don't want to tell them anything now right before Christmas.

D8 and D10 went shopping with me for awhile tonight. I asked if they wanted to buy H a gift. All they want to give him is a wedding band. H lost his a few years ago and we never got it replaced. It actually really bothers me that he hasn't had to take a ring off while he's been with OW. But, I think buying him a wedding band would probably be a bit much at this point. If we were closer to starting to reconcile, I would consider it.

I don't think I'd even tell H about it, but our girls might. They have a knack for helping to layer on guilt (although not sure H even notices most of the time)

I can't decide if I want the holidays to be over or not...I've set getting through them as a goal and I've realized I am close to either starting counseling with H (which will be painful) or separating from H (which will be painful). I'm pretty sure both will be worse than pretending to be married through Christmas and having H at home.

:-(

[Nblost]

H is still very silent. My instincts have been right every other time that this has meant he is with OW. I've realized that I'm not even sure he's working this week in her city.

Painful for me because he wants us to act like we are happily married and have a christmas for the kids together. However, he isn't here or willing to communicate with me on any of the preparations. I know I'm lucky we can afford Christmas, etc...but very hard to be juggling everything and feeling like an emotional wreck.

I'm venting here because I am very tempted to lash out at him or OW. The only "bad" thing I've done is left him a VM today after several calls that he ignored. I just let him know I need to talk to him about Christmas and I've realized I'm not sure when he will be home.

I guess I need to remember that this furthers my resolve to be done...I can't stand this. He needs to move out and face reality.

The problem will be getting through the holidays and acting fun and nice to him. I will need a lot of strength.

I felt like we were making baby steps of improvement, but he may have only been acting that way knowing he was going to be staying with OW this week.

How can you tell your wife you love her and the kids and then go stay with your girlfriend for the week before Christmas?

I hope we can all survive this...