What do I do next? Part 3

[luvhurts49]

I understand what you all are saying about averages and I get that each situation is different, but I was just looking for opinions.

I am very much the worrier and the planner of sorts. When I want to do something, it's very much A, B, and C and when A happens, I expect B to follow. When this doesn't happen, I become lost because I'm not the best at adapting. That's why I'm very deliberate in my planning--sometime too much. I do have a tendency to over-think a situation and in the end, I end up making the same mistakes as I was trying to avoid. I don't know why this is, but it happens to me quite a bit.

I do wish there were a set of steps that I could follow that would fix everything and tell me how long that would take, but I know that is unrealistic. Unfortunately, because I am a fixer and a planner, going into a situation without a plan and just "winging it" goes against who I am and is very difficult for me.

[macvspc]

LH,

I wonder about averages as well. I think sometimes we focus on what helps us and try to stay away from information that hurts us. "This % of marriages last....."

Another one of those questions about women vs men in sitch like ours. When the WAW is done and has left, some of the things I read say - too late macvspc give up. Women (not to be sexist) make their minds up and that is it, no turning back. Again reading this and trying to make sense of it.

[luvhurts49]

Women (not to be sexist) make their minds up and that is it, no turning back.

I've heard this same statement many times. I think the reasoning behind it is, by the time the W has finally decided to leave, she has spent months if not years contemplating her decision. So the H is already behind in the situation.

I've had friends and family both tell me that I should just let it go and move on with my life. I find this unacceptable. My life, as I see it, includes not just myself and my kids, but my W too. It doesn't matter if we get a D or not, my W will also be "my life". I didn't dedicated the last 20 years to year to give up just because she's in a fog or has given up herself.

The day may come that my W may not matter as much to me as she once did and if it does, then I will make whatever decision I have to at that time. Fortunately, I am not faced with that decision today, so I continue to fight for my family, my W, my M, and my life

[workinghardguy]

The book "How to Fix Your Marriage Without Saying Anything" does a great job exploring this, and the difference between the genders.

Men typically don't leap until they have a place to land (i.e. another woman). And if that landing place isn't all it's cracked up to be then they may be willing to jump back (or jump elsewhere).

Women tend to not want to jump, period. But they will if they feel alone and secluded. Because of how they are wired, they have a need to connect and attach. If they consider themselves to be alone in the R, then the lack of attachment creates a pain and dissonance they resolve by leaving. At least now they are alone without the dissonance.

Why the woman feels alone can vary greatly. Depression, unemotional husband, the wife's own issues that preclude true attachment, a spouse's issues that preclude attachment, etc... And of course these are all great generalities.

My own personal take is that I believe it is why couples without kids have a harder time at any recon (or one reason at least). The W has an attachment with her kids. The divorce threatens that as well as the children mourn and get angry. This threatens that attachment and creates a different kind of dissonance. Then the W has to choose whether to try again in the hopes to resolve the new dissonance or just deal with it. They may deal with it through medication, self-medication, depression, new guy, or other solutions.

That's the part where the LBH has to have a different perspective on being married, do things differently, and keep the road home paved and smooth. If they can't come back then they'll just find other ways to deal with it.

[westcoastfella]

I have two replies, Luv:

In regard to your over-thinking: I would really suggest the book "Women Who Think Too Much" by Susan Nolen-Hoeksema. It's more geared toward women because they do it statistically more often, but it seems to me that plenty of men do it, too, including myself. It may give you a lot of insight and allow you to cut out that kind of thinking when it only hurts you.

In regard to "It's over": I've read through every story in the "Another Divorce Busted!" section, and I've heard of many more on the boards. It seems like in almost all of them, the WAS said something like "I don't love you anymore" or "It's over." Yet things eventually changed and the couple reconciled....

I get the reactions of your friends and family. In this culture, we're geared to think that D is the final step. Holding onto hope is "pathetic" or "unhealthy." But then again, none of them know about DB, do they?

[Accuray]

I can tell you that my W was a WAW, had an affair, planned leaving for months, read books to help her figure out her sitch, and talked to an IC to help her walk out the door.

She was done -- told me no chance to reconcile, get over it, we can be friends down the line. When I told her I was hurting, she told me "I don't give a f@$% how you're feeling"

Now she's back.

Don't give up because you think its hopeless or because "women don't come back". If you decide to quit trying, do it because that is the right decision for you and what you want.

I'm reading "Why Good People Have Affairs". It says there are 17 affair types. If you read the list and try to figure out which one fits your W's sitch, it may present you with some insight.

I have to warn you that the book is written to be sympathetic to the unfaithful partner and that was very hard for me to stomach originally, it made me feel ill. I can read it now because I'm further along the healing path. If you've got the strength for it, it may be helpful.

Accuray

[luvhurts49]

Unfortunately for me, my W left right away. By that I mean, I don't think that she was having a PA until after she moved out of the house. There wasn't any apparent warning, she just up and left.

I have gotten the same basic responses, I don't love you anymore, I don't love you that way, we've grown apart, we're more like friends than lovers, we should never have gotten married, it was all a mistake, i blame you for this or that, this thing X years ago is your fault, I can't forgive you for something that nobody remembers anymore, I can't trust you for something you did 18 years ago (not an A or anything like that), blah, blah, blah.

I know it's all BS, but it still hurts regardless. I'm being blamed for things that she said she forgave me for years ago, yet they are still being brought up. In her eyes, I'm not allowed to make mistakes--ever, but if she makes a mistake, you better not ever bring it up.

I just feel like I am at a disadvantage because she doesn't live in our home any longer. Not being able to see her or her being able to see me (and any resulting changes) puts me in a chasing position.

I don't want to give up, but I also don't want to be played with or dangled on the end of a string either. I just don't rightfully know what to do. All I know is how I feel.

[sandi2]

Unfortunately, because I am a fixer and a planner, going into a situation without a plan and just "winging it" goes against who I am and is very difficult for me.

People like you and I are often thought of as being perfectionists. You may not see yourself as one, but your family may. If you make those around you miserable with your steps, schedules, and plans, and/or worse....when your plan doesn't work, then they will dread everything that includes you. You will be, sooner or later, avoided by your friends & family.

Being a fixer is an excuse. We all are fixers by some degree. These things you've described in the previous post is or shouldn't be something to be proud about. It is something you need to change! Hard? Probably. It was for me. But if you care how your loved ones feel, you'll find a way to stop with your little steps and going from A to B, and learn that some things just don't have the steps and can't be given a time frame. Some things we have to learn to go with the flow. Helps us to be more relaxed, too.

[luvhurts49]

I wouldn't say that I am a perfectionist, but rather controlling. I am working very hard on not being so controlling--on not having to know everything and always having to be right all the time. Is it hard? You're damn straight it is, but I'm trying.

[CO1978]

I agree completely with Sandi on this. I was a perfectionist. It was one of the things that led to my W leaving. It took a lot to change the way of thinking and is still hard to do. Everyone has their own view of perfection, and we have to accept that. So in sense there is no true perfection. When people don't do things the way WE want them do, it doesn't mean its not right, its just their way of doing it, and we have to accept that.