New Here; Husband left

[TMC25]

How do we know if what our was is telling us is true? How could it be over for a long time and w not see it? Did he ever really love me? Why did he marry me? So lost and confused. I dont know what to say to him or how to treat him. I dont want to push him away, I want him to come back but I dont know what to say or do

[Coyote]

"...after I posted last I backslid again..i lashed out at him by saying if he didnt want to pay he could sign his rights away and i would do it myself. That really pissed him off and he called me a bitch. I appologized and said i didnt mean that."

3 steps forward, 2 steps back, but at least it's one step at a time. That's how most of us did it/do it. Expect the backslides. When they happen take note, learn and move on. Sounds like you're getting a little better though.

"I have been keeping busy. Today I went to church, then to the store, then to our friends house to watch the game( Go Packers!)"

That's the spirit! Yes, things will still get you down. Expect that. However, as time goes on the downs will have less and less impact (it's already happening.) Eventually, more and more you might even find youself thinking/saying, 'Ya, seen this before, whatever...' or 'I know what to do.'

"How much time passed before things started to turn around? I have a hard time w/ patience. I miss our old life together."

Accuray and Mishka said some very good things on your last thread just before it closed. Review what they said on this. I can add a little to this.

From what I've seen and learned, probably about a year or 2 at least before you can start to feel you're in the clear with H. You'll be getting better 'long' before that though. I know this is hard. My heart goes out to you.

I've said this before and I will say it again, H has to work through this and H will take as long as H takes. Unfortunately H is not coming around any time soon. However, you can help it along though, again, see above and below even. Note: don't miss the 'little' improvements here and there. Take note, file it away, then go watch a Packers game.

"I want to know what it is... "

I know it's hard not to but resist pressuring him for info on this. Actually, a part of him would be expecting this/liking that. The part that wants to push your buttons. Don't feed that, you'll be sorry.

Things will come out on its own. Always does. Note: I said 'things' and not just one thing. Again, his mind is cycling between a number of thoughts. The reasons can even change hourly. You don't want to crawl into his mind right now or in the near future. Go watch a Packers game instead.

"It was so sudden. It was few months of strange behavior and then I'm done."

I had the same thing actually. A number of others did too. This was when the ILYBNILWY bomb was actually dropped by my WAS. One minute I'm eating sushi with W, enjoying life, birthday coming up, then 5 minutes later I'm supposed to move out because W needs to find herself. Ya, it helped coming here and finding out I wasn't the only one!

"Should I complement him to "build him up", which he responds well to, ignore him, be indifferent, cold, I'm not sure. Where do I go from here??"

Sure, it works, why not? Every once and a while, give some words of encouragement. Space it out a bit though. Maybe every couple of days. Too much and this could be seen as clingyness by H. We talked about this. We know he responds to words, so words it is. Watch and take note. (As we talked about also, keep working through the DB books, Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy.)

In between, talk about the weather, the Packers, things that need tending to, things that are non threatening. I wouldn't give the cold shoulder though. Avoid this unless he's in a real snit. At that, you already know what to say/do for this type of thing.

Sure, even skip a day or 3 without contacting him here and there. Let him chase you a bit. Be mysterious even, can get H thinking/curious,
H, 'So, you haven't talked to me lately, what have you been up to?'
You, 'Thanks for your concern. I've been keeping busy. Lot's to do.'
H, 'Where have you been?!'
You, 'I've been out'

Note: don't point a finger at H for being the cause of it all, generalize on this. Adjust as you see fit.

Let us know how this goes.

[TMC25]

Hey guys, things have been pretty quiet. After I told H I signed the "papers" he has stopped texting me pretty much at all. Things have calmed down a ton. He still see's our son once a week but it's only for 2-3 hours. He had him today and when he was done raced out the door b/c he was late meeting "someone" at the gym. Yeah. I haven't contacted him except about our son. He was sick at the sitter the other day and I called him to ask if he could stay home w/ him the next day and he said he would get back to me later He was off that day. He later said no b/c it wasn't his responsibility, wtf, and thats why I have sole custody, and he pays child support. wow i really couldnt believe it.
H seems so far away. I really wonder where he has gone to. Not physically but emotionally. I miss him so much. I wonder if he will ever want to get back together and be a family. He did ask me several times via text why I wasnt changing my last name back. When I responded I said that i wanted the same last name as my son. He said ok, that he was just wondering. One of his biggest complaints when we were together was that I didnt finish school. He throws it back in my face all the time. When I told him I was going back and not taking loans out he said how? When I said that my work was paying for it, he got pissy w/ me. Lie he couldnt be happy for me.
Do you guys thing that I should try to iniate some kind of dialog between us or stay dark for a while?I'm not sure b/c he's not contacting me at this point and i dont want to pursue but he has allways responded well to complements and things

[brenalim]

Wow! I don't know your H, but what I gather from your last post... what a JERK!!! He doesn't want to stay home with his sick son b/c its "not his responsibility"? WTF?

I say go dark. You need to start taking care of yourself. Stop worrying about what's going on with him and worry about what's going on with you. Going back to school is WONDERFUL!!! You don't need his approval or permission to do so. Keep doing things for yourself and your son. Its hard, I know, I've been there... but if you keep at it, even one month from now you'll be in a much better place.

I think you should ask yourself before you tell him anything you are doing for yourself... like the school thing. Ask yourself what kind of reaction you are hoping to get from him? Then ask yourself what is the likelihood, based on his current behaviors, that you are going to get that reaction? If that answer is slim to none... don't bother asking. You are just setting yourself up to be disappointed.

[Accuray]

Hi TMC,

I recommend going dark -- he obviously wants/needs space and time so give it to him. To the degree you can, ask him for nothing, even where S is concerned. Just pretend he's always working so he's not an option.

Read over Hopeful's situation. H moved out and went dark and she got pretty convinced he was gone for good. When she really stopped pursuing, he started coming around. One of the best things I read was that he called her when she was out with friends and there was music and good times in the background. That's what you want him to hear -- you having fun without him.

I know this is hard, but close up the hatches and go dark. Remember it is just for now and not forever

Accuray

[mishka422]

DARK, DARK, DARK. BLACK if possible!

If your H won't take his own son for a day when he's already off work and says it's 'not his responsibility' then he is not worth your time or emotion. That is disgusting.

You said you have sole custody right? Is that sole physical and legal custody or just the physical custody? Just curious how you worded it.

I'm so sorry sweetie, but that man sounds like an arrogant, selfish pr!ck and he doesn't deserve to have the love of a sweet woman or the pleasure of being a father. He's just turned into a sperm donor in my eyes. How sad.

[TMC25]

Hey guys. Yes its pretty much just that. H sees S once a week for about 3 hours. Thats all. He frequently throws it in my face that he "gave" me sole custody ( physical + legal). I cant believe how fast he has changed. He is allways angry w/ me. We had made a plan for xmas that we made weeks ago and both agreed upon. He was going to come here on xmas and we would do our S's xmas together and then he was going to go to his moms b4 he had to go to work at 12, and i was going to go to my moms. So he texts me and says after we do xmas together he wants to take S to his moms for 2 hours and then i can come get him. I said no that that wasnt what we had disscused and he flew off the handle like usual. He was saying that he only gets to c his son for a few hours week and i have him all the time. Which is true but thats by his choice. I have NEVER denied him seeing his son or anything like that. He was the one who checked out. H also said that he is making this easy on me and that he could take S half the time away from me if that was what i wanted. I stayed pretty calm and said was that what he wanted? I cant believe he was playing the victim. I'm sooo tired of him trying to get what he wants by threatening me with our son. wtf!!!! I gave in and said that he could take him but that i wanted to talk about it. I said that i saw his point but that a few extra hours wasnt a big deal but that it wasnt fair to make me change my plans eirther. He said that he couldnt see my point of view, that he never sees my point of view, which is why this happened, and i make him angry w/ everything i say and do. wtf?!! I texted him that i didnt understand why we cant talk about our s and what was the problem. he said he didnt "feel like it". i replied that when he feels like it to call me.ARGGGGG

[Accuray]

That's terrible. I don't know if this helps or not but every time I read about what your H says to you I get angry. It's so hard to understand what's driving his bizarre behavior.

The only thing I can think of is that he knows what he's doing is so wrong, and living with that knowledge makes him feel badly about himself, and the only way he can deal with that is to get beligerent and try to make your life miserable to try to make himself feel a little better. It's terribly cowardly and he will need to break himself out of that pattern or he'll eventually have a nervous breakdown.

Accuray

[Coyote]

Your H has a lot of turmoil going on inside. Sounds like abandonment issues/feelings of abandonment from someone trusted or important before you and H. What H encounters on his job most likely provided the catalyst for bringing this oil slick to the surface. Or, it could be a mental illness showing itself. Whatever, now H is directing his anger and emotional jungle at you. Not cool.

Limit communication with H to only what is absolutely necessary, ie, dealings with S and essentials on the D. Don't forget, if you have to talk to H and H is abusive you don't have to take that. Tell him if he's going to be that way then end the conversation and tell H you'll talk later after H has cooled down. Don't get sucked into yet another mud slinging contest.

[TMC25]

I was going thru my "paper drawer" today looking for some stuff and found a stack of cards. I allways keep every card H ever gave me. I read them all again. They were so thoughtfull and sweet. He said how lucky he was to have me, how much he loved me, how I was such a good mother. What happened to those feelings? How could that change so suddenly? It makes me so sad. I really miss the way we used to be. I dont understand this "new" h at all. Pretty soon I'm going to have to call him my ex h. That really hurts. Everything that has happened the last 3 months was so different from who he was. Im trying to hold on to the hope that he will realize what he has lost, but I dont know if he ever will. BTW how do you go dark when there are kids are envolved? Coyote you said that it might be 2 + years before I'm in the clear w/ H. What did you mean by that?