Weird days when we're getting along ok. Hard to hold any anger, but unfortunately it's replaced with something not so good. She woke up sick today, flu or something. I just wanted to make her feel better. Some kid activities and some things I needed to do, but I made sure she had what she needed and I kept the kids out of her hair. Now in thinking about my day, here's the dilemma in my mind. I've read the post recommended by Virginia and MWD about the guy always being her friend, even helping her to move out. I'm like that I think. But I also wonder about her having the best of both worlds. Her moving on and doing whatever she wants, yet I'm able to take care of her, the kids whatever is needed, without a worry from her. Not like I'd ignore her if she was sick, but maybe I don't need to be so nice? This morning while still in bed, she thanked me, this evening she didn't seem so appreciative, hard to read results of my efforts when she's also sick. I was careful not to hover, but a couple of times when she was obviously in distress I offered up some help, and also before returning home I TM'd her asking if she needed anything. Generally, I'd like to think this all makes her think twice about getting rid of me, but maybe not?
Generally, I'd like to think this all makes her think twice about getting rid of me, but maybe not?
Sorry Wayne... a couple text messages and some chicken soup aren't going to cure this How would you treat a co-worker or a roommate? Follow that line of thinking. If my roommate was sick I might ask them once if they need me to get anything, but they're not in a coma... they can ask me to get stuff too, right? And if I'm making supper or something for myself or myself and the kids I may offer to heat up some soup. I'd offer because I'm not a heartless jerk.
I know it's hard... I'm in the same boat. The other day W and I were talking about what she would leave behind at the house. I told her to take the old TV (which isn't really that old, just heavy) and she said she wouldn't have anyone to carry it. Then she lamented who is going to help her move? She doesn't have a lot of friends... which is odd because she has TONS of friends, but she doesn't have tons of real friends who would come into a tough spot like helping you move out of your house and away from your H who loves you. I get that. And then she said "I'm assuming you're not going to help me move"... and for a split second I almost said I would help. Then caught myself. Said, "nope... I'm not getting in your way but you're crazy if you think I'm helping you move" and I walked away.
So it is so easy to fall into that trap. So easy to be the friend, the supporter... keep remembering that most of this is counter-intuitive. But that one small setback doesn't blow up the bridge either...
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
"...Hard to hold any anger, but unfortunately it's replaced with something not so good."
You can get angry about the situation. You can get angry about taxes. You can even get a little cheesed off at W's attitude if it crosses a line. But with W is in this...'stuff' don't point your anger at her, you'll be sorry if you do. Redirect it elsewhere. Find another healthy outlet. (For me I get on my eliptical machine and give er'. If something's cheesin' me off I growl about it while huffin', puffin', and swearin'. In the birthday suit even if it's bad.)
"She woke up sick today, flu or something. I just wanted to make her feel better. Some kid activities and some things I needed to do, but I made sure she had what she needed and I kept the kids out of her hair."
Awesome, nothing wrong with this.
"Her moving on and doing whatever she wants, yet I'm able to take care of her, the kids whatever is needed, without a worry from her. Not like I'd ignore her if she was sick, but maybe I don't need to be so nice?"
Ah, we get to the point. Yes, try to be nice when you can. I know, I know, it doesn't feel natural. This is not an easy one. The natural thing would be to blast away, no holds barred and to let her have it! A part of her might even be expecting this. Resist, blow elsewhere or again, you'll be sorry if you give in...
What a turn around for W, when, after treating you like crap you treat her with respect and dignity. This, gets a WAS thinkin'. Down the road, if not already, she'll be thinking of this. You being a soft place for her to land on when everything else was falling apart. Remember this. Helps prop up your own dignity and self respect too. Helps knowing you've done pretty much the best you can.
"she thanked me, this evening she didn't seem so appreciative, hard to read results of my efforts when she's also sick."
Most of the time you don't see this until later. At that, mostly in very little things here and there. Get yourself a beer or whatever instead for now. Low and slow.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
"What a turn around for W, when, after treating you like crap you treat her with respect and dignity. This, gets a WAS thinkin'. Down the road, if not already, she'll be thinking of this."
This thought has crossed my mind many times. I think this is taking the high road. It is tough to think about though relative to doing 180's. I'm normally treating her this way so she prob expects it. But not nec when she's treating me poorly. I just need to keep in I'm mind and do my best, knowing to avoid lingering or too much of a push.
I write today after an absence that coincides with her being gone for 6 days and returning this evening. Had a backslide on the phone with her on Thursday about mail and how she doesn't need to hide things from me, the details don't matter much, just know it was a conversation I didn't need to have. Learning. Friday was average and not much response to questions I had but not silence either. So Saturday i essentially ignore her and by Sunday mid day received a text asking how things were, I answered but short, she replied back and I left it at that. Monday morning, a Good Morning text. Did the same and today she let's me know when she's boarding the plane. It's very strange but it works. I have no idea what to expect for the evening, hoping for good things but planning on the status quo, just need the strength to keep db'ing.
Had a backslide on the phone with her on Thursday about mail and how she doesn't need to hide things from me
Isn't it funny how they still hide stuff? What should it matter? It's out there in the open... yet some part of them still has this need to hide. I've wondered if it's fear, security, shame, regret or some mix of this that drives it.
A few weeks ago my W blew up at me b/c she thought I was snooping on her smoking in the garage. She told me then that she has nothing to hide and I can ask anything and she'll tell me the truth. Yet I know she hasn't told me the truth on a number of things... I found myself wanting to call her today to test that statement of hers... and then decided why bother. It will only anger her, hurt me, and push her further away. Just let life run its course, what's meant to be will be.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Exactly, that is interesting. It's as if they're fooling themselves just as much. I'm experiencing the same thing, her acting as if she being straight up with everything, including the OM, yet not telling everthing about that to her family and hiding the calls from me. I'm sure she has plenty of justifications for it all at this point. So I'm trying (not successfully, given my backslide) to ignore and focus on the positives.
And on that note, after getting home, there's been some kid stuff and we're both in pretty good spirits. At one point after they were all in bed she was telling me something about her trip and she looked/sounded so good that I got up and gave her a hug. She didn't hesitate and we had a conversation while embraced. At one point we seperated but still held hands. Then another hug with more discussion. I'm trying to be careful with doing this and so far so good. I don't know if I should be, but I take some hope from these things.
"I'm trying to be careful with doing this and so far so good. I don't know if I should be, but I take some hope from these things."
If it worked out ok I can't see why not. The rule of thumb here is to let her set the pace for this but the 'odd' time, sometimes you can test the water just a 'little' bit. Space this out though. Watch and take note. Don't want to seem clingy to her. If she gets cold or distant, back off gracefully. Baby steps, baby steps.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Gifts? Has she expressed anything? I'm in the same boat and I know this is tough.
My W has told me what she wanted and I did get it and she even asked me what I wanted/needed. Weird?!? But hey it's a positive.
Listen to her and see what she says.
M 38 W 50 S 9, D 6 T 12 M 10 W's 1st EA 4/2007 stopped after confront W's 2nd EA 6/2010 Separated 7/2010 I bomb dropped 7/2010 MC 2/2011 - 3/2011 W bomb dropped 4/2011 Nothing filed or done
Yeah, I hear ya. Took care of that one already, she's never been shy about telling me what she wants. I've always been pretty good at also finding something something meaningful that surprises her. But this year I'm at a loss so far on that one.
How would you treat a co-worker or a roommate? Follow that line of thinking. If my roommate was sick I might ask them once if they need me to get anything, but they're not in a coma... they can ask me to get stuff too, right? And if I'm making supper or something for myself or myself and the kids I may offer to heat up some soup. I'd offer because I'm not a heartless jerk.