My divorce has realy altered my relationship with my D19. She previously had a significant eating disorder (it's ALWYAS going to be there, she just seems to manage it better now)
She has the typical profile of an eating disroder girl: perfectionist, overachiever (4.3 GPA in high school)and the need to be loved by a mother who takes emotional hostages.
She wanted to go to a 52K school on the east coast, while I wanted her to go to the state university here at 21K; one of the best public universities in the U.S.
According to the divorce agreement, I am obligated to pay 50% of the in-state tuition, room and board at the highest priced state school.
Well, D19 DIDNT want to go to UCONN. She wanted to go to the 52K school, to which I replied: "It's not worth 52K". XW promptly stepped in and became the "SUPERHERO"..."If you want to go there, somehow, I'll find the money" Either her dad or her grandpa-boyfriend (He's 65, she's 50) footed the bill.
NOW, XW constantly lords this over D19, who won't do anything to upset the monster. Last year, XW told D19 "Money's tight. I don't know if you can go back to B&$$*@ College"
D19 immediately panics, and asks me for more money. I replied, no, transfer to UCONN. She flipped out on me, and became as self-centered as possible, and called me every anme in the book.
Somehow Mommy dearest "found" the money after I told her I wouldn't pay another cent for her to be an English major at a horribly overpriced school.
Just one example of how XW takes emotional hostages. It goes on and on.
Anyone out there have experience with an XS that uses the "Parenting Plan" as a weapon?
I have another question. Looks like Santa may bring FLTC a contempt charrge for a stocking stuffer.
Sounds like you've got lots of unfinished business there. Sorry to hear it. A contempt charge is serious stuff - keep your sh*t together no matter what ex does.
Yes she's a nutbag but you know that - your thread title says it. All you can do is hang in there but I have to ask - "What is your lawyer doing for you these days?"
Anyone out there have experience with an XS that uses the "Parenting Plan" as a weapon?
I have one that hates me to this day, is already involved in a committed relationship with a man that she was friends with over 12 years ago when she and I were raising our kids, but continues to tell me what a mean bastard I was and how bad I hurt her, and she often uses the kids to do it. I just got the most awful text from my 15 y/o daughter last Friday and I could hear her moms voice all the way through it. So yeah, she uses the kids against me to this day.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Contempt for what????? You can't leave us hanging like that!
As for the attitude, why are you surprised? Did you really think time would help? She has always had an entitlement issue and the fact that you don't jump to her whims anymore has been a never ending source of frustration for her.
Let's face it. This D did not work out how she planned. LOL
As for the parenting plan, she will use whatever she has against you. Just do what you need to do and what's best for the kids.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle...ah...you do remember my XW! I didn't want to leave my DB buds new and old in the lurch...you're right.
Yeah, “CONTEMPT” is a strong word, but those of you who have read my postings know that my XW is one of the most irrational, angry people out there. If you want to do some archeological digs on this site, look back at September-December 2006 and check it out.
Anyway, here’s the deal. My parenting plan has a lot of ridiculous stuff in it that sounded OK 4 years ago, but you all know how that goes……….
On odd years, I pick up S13 from school on the last day of school before winter break. He stays with me through Christmas Day until 5Pm, when I’m scheduled to bring him to XW’s house. He stays through the next morning and then she brings him back to my house.
I have that week off, so he’s with me for 10 days, and she’ll see him for 5 whole hours over the Christmas/New Year’s break. When I was married to XW, we had the same family at our home on Christmas Eve for 20 years, and she of course, wants nothing to change.
Over the past two weeks, she’s been lobbying to have D19 and S13 at her house on Christmas Eve, because they “have asked to come over”, regardless of what the plan says. She wants the old traditions to continue regardless.
I hold my ground, unlike anytime during my 20 year marriage to her and said “D19 is an adult, and she can go where she wants to. (My new wife’s) daughters have planned on being at our home for Christmas Eve for several months, because we all wanted to be together”
Here’s the rub. My new wife’s dad had some medical issues this year, and we are scheduled to be at her parent’s home at 3PM on Christmas Day. Who knows where he'll be next year, and he's a great guy. Bottom line: We need to leave at 1:30 to get there.
I notified XW: “I can’t get S13 to your house at 5, and need to drop him off at 2PM on Christmas”.
Her EXACT reply: “I will not be at home all day, and my house will not be available for him”.
I know it’s the plan…got it…understood, but she won’t give an almost 14 year old a key to her house, and “won’t be available all day” (after hosting a party the night before until midnight, with D19 most likely there and sleeping at XWs)
I know it’s not her job to be flexible for me, and I KNOW what the plan says, but what mother wants to spend only 5 house with a 13 year old on Christmas, and does this look a bit vindictive and aimed at….well……me?
By the way, I brought the kids to my house at noon last Christmas, because I wanted to see them, and she was OK with that.
Bottom line: If she's not home, he's going to come with me, and she can try the contempt route for 2 hours if she wants.......
Happy Anniversary and for all the holidays past and future.
It's good to hear you're still your spunky self and continuing on a healthy relationship with your new wife. Your ex remains consistent in her wacky ways. Good for you to maintain healthy boundaries and recognize her manipulations and not be controlled by them.
Moving on and time are the greatest healers. I know that getting my own place has been one of the best things that has happened to me. I'm making my own life and only slide when I have to deal with the ex. See.. I no longer say "former spouse" to minimize any sense of negativity! He's just someone I wouldn't want to know.
Big hugs. And if you like musical theatre, come see "Guys and Dolls" at Center Stage Theatre in Shelton. My daughter is in the ensemble. They always put on a great show!
Hmmmm she won't let him come over 3 hours early. What a laugh!
Maybe a message saying "Where can I drop him off early. Otherwise I will have to take him with me." Or maybe she can pick him up from somewhere?
As always, calm calm calm. And get it in writing so if she does try and take you to court you can show you tried to work something out to get him there. You know how to handle this.
Deep breath.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
