Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Nblost]

I saw that link had been deleted. I wonder if this site doesn't like us posting to outside sources? I do find that if you google questions you have...it's amazing how much affair-related stuff is out there. (I've also found it validating to read things written for the OW given the frustrations they have from their side around the H being a liar and not leaving his wife)

I am okay. H gets home tomorrow night. I continue to feel very detached. I will admit I'm distracted by my "one night stand" from last week although I swear it's kind of a nice distraction. I just need to remember it would not be healthy for me to go any further into a new "relationship" right now. I think my ego just really needed the boost. (I've told a couple friends about it as well to make sure I don't get into anything shrouded in secrecy)

I feel like a big wave of pain and reality is waiting for H and I in January. To all of our family and most of our friends, we are a happy, loving couple and we are great people. (H particularly thrives on being "such a great guy"). I can't imagine us separating...but I think I'm ready. I can't keep propping up his cake eating. When I say out loud that he's been openly having an A for the last 3 months while I've known about it...it sounds insane. Even more insane when I told a few people this past weekend that he was on a secret vacation with her.

Honestly, this isn't the man I married or want to be married to. Sadly, I think we could be happy again if he was willing to try. But, none of us deserve to be second choices...

Anyway, it's amazing how quickly one's life can derail...although, I still say that in a way, I'm glad this happened. I see some of the lifeless couples around me and I'm not sure I'd trade my life for theirs (okay, maybe I would through the holidays)

Take care everyone...

[Walking]

Hi Nblost

I don't think I've ever written to you before, but I've been reading along.

I really don't advocate jumping into another relationship while your marriage is in such turmoil - but I do believe that all experiences are for a reason - and this site, and the things I've learned since my marriage broke down have given me lots of evidence that absolutely everything that happens, when we released control, is to teach us something we need to learn.

You and I both know that the fellow you kissed the other night is unlikely to be a good long term partner for you. But what that experience gave you was the gift to remember that you are a desirable woman and there is a huge world out there that is so much more signficant than one husband in mid-life-crisis, sneaking over the country to spend time with his mistress ... who frankly he respects less than you if it's possible!!

You don't have to put up with his cake-eating. You'll be OK. You can take the time now to figure out what your boundaries are and implement them. He'll respect that Nblost. He'll have no choice but to make a decision - and I can guarantee you that is the last thing he wants to do now. He wants it all. He wants to have his OW and the fast free life he can have there with her, and he wants you waiting at home, keeping everything going - looking after all of his responsibilities. He's living the life!!!

I'm glad you had that experience - now use it to learn what it was sent to teach you.

Love and blessings, V

[Nblost]

Walking. Thank you...this is exactly what I needed.

I really feel done and I think that is coming through with how other men are perceiving me. I am really ready to move on and I think H will be surprised at my confidence.

I saw my guy from last week at work today from a distance...still some sparks...but I smiled and waved at him and he smiled at me. I think the idea of him is what I want...not the reality.

(granted my confidence will all fade when I think of the realities of the kids, etc)

I also agree my H wants both worlds....should be interesting...

[imthemom]

I totally get the "other guy"... I think our self confidence has taken a huge hit..when your H picks OW over you, you tend to beat yourself up a bit...(no sh#!).. i would love another male to pay attention to me right now...i feel completely second best...
Take it for what it is..an ego boost, and squeeze every once of confidence out of it!!
I know you can do whats right for you...we will be there for you..

[Nblost]

H was trying to call me today to figure out Christmas....I just don't know how to handle him. Should I stay silent on R talks or should I start to set rules?

I guess surviving the holidays may mean faking it through.

Just reminded again how much I hate this.

[imthemom]

I guess thats were Im lucky.....H makes no attempt to spend any time or participate in holidays. lucky for me...unlucky and sad for S14 and my other boys whom he chooses to act as if dont exsist....
Im sure everyone here cant wait for the holidays to be over....
I would set rules...I have kept wishing that everything would work its self out where that is concerned and there wouldnt need to be any rules since we are both adults..but when one is not an adult or rationel...there needs to be rules. other wise your flying by the seat of your pants and never know whats gonna happen.

[Abbey]

That's one of the key points. The rational adult in our WAS isn't there. Some of us get bits and pieces, some not so much.

You mentioned flying by the seat of our pants. That's why I had to use both DB and Fortel's ideas, along with a bit of Not Just Friends. Where as some respond to going dim or dark in time, some of us actually have to "chase", or be loving to the point of putting our own selves in a very strange emotional place.

I think there's a lot of us who will be glad when Christmas is over, just because it causes stress even in healthy relationships. This can just make us sad and NUTS trying to juggle the alien brain of our spouses.

I pray every day for a lotto win.

As for us living in the reality. It really is a double edged sword. It IS the thing that often brings the alien brain back to us. We represent stability. We represent sanity. Right now, they don't want that... but they'll seek it when they hit that bottom or wall. Some of us even have our spouses clinging to some of it from us, even while being alien. Not healthy for us, but since there is no fix all one way to deal with the WAS, we get to have walk that tight rope.

I find that even getting flirted with, or having someone give you a "second look" is nice. It's not that I want another person in my life, but... it does feel nice to know that I can attract attention. All of us need that from time to time.

Abbey

[Nblost]

Right, which is now where I am floundering...I feel like I'm done with H but it's horrible timing to feel this way with the holidays, etc. He's acting very nice towards me...but his actions are terrible.

H keeps asking how I'm doing and I have been saying I'm fine or I'm great. I want to tell him the truth...but so frustrating that I'm not sure it will get through at all. I really don't think he cares about my feelings (or, he cares on some weird level...but doesn't care enough to react or change his behavior)

I guess maybe I keep up the "pleasant" attitude but allow some of my newfound "ready to be done" attitude to show through a bit. I also am not sure H understands that if I file for separation or require him to move out of the house...he may actually need to be home for more than 1-2 days at a time in January to deal with that? To tell the kids?

UGH!!!!!!!!!!

[Abbey]

NB, I think you and I are at that cross roads where we WANT to be done... but deep down we know there's still a flame in there somewhere. So do the aliens.

I suspect too, that once we kick them out of the bed/nest/comfy and soft place to fall... they'll start to drown. It's then the brain really begins to kick out.

My advice... do NOT tell him what he's done to you yet. He's still not ready for it. Save it for when he's remorseful. And I suspect he will be. So don't backslide, use it when it's got the most oomph.

Let him chase,... don't become completely aloof but let him chase too. It does something to the male brain to chase. Don't understand it, just have experienced it enough times for me to just believe in it

I don't know what to offer about telling the kids, *hugs*
Abs

[Nblost]

Talked to my counselor. She basically agreed that I should continue to try to take the high road with H...especially before the holidays. If I confront him now, what's the point if I am not going to kick him out of the house until January. I think once H is home and we are with the kids...it does get easier.

We will probably be home just as a family on Christmas and then we are going skiing for a couple days. I think that'll be a chance for us to have fun as a family...although there's always a certain dose of stress that comes along with taking the family on a trip like that.

I guess I just need to continue taking things one day at a time. My counselor said I sound really strong...so that's good. She also thought my little fling was a good confidence booster...not that she's recommending getting into a crazy new relationship.

I agree, Abbey, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I dread a split and everything it means for the kids, our families, etc...and I do think we could work on our marriage. However, I've lost a lot of respect for H.