Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.V

[alamo76]

He realized that he had never really forgiven his W and the anger and bitterness had been eating away at him for a long time.

After that session he resigned himself to forgive her for her actions and try to work towards a better relationship with his X. One day when he was visiting his son at his W's house, he said hello and shook his W's hand.

You would have thought by her reaction that he had just handed hr a million bucks! That simple act of courtesy has undone years of animosity that had been festering between them. That simple courageous act has put them both on a path to a better relationship and they are much better parents as a result.

Thanks 2TP...I also believe that it's all about timing as well. Forgiving/practicing As-If were things I did and have been doing for over a year since my wife left the house. In that time she's remained apathetic and passive, especially to parenting. If it's one thing I'm upset about nowadays is her downplaying the importance of me as a father:

- She has not respected my requests for equal time with our son (because she imagines that once divorced, she will have full custody, take our son to the East Coast and have very little contact with me anyway).
- She has not demonstrated proactivity as a co-parent.

So yes, I'm upset. Not because I'm bitter or hold a grudge, but more because she's putting more of her effort in working her way to be free of me, rather seeing our son's needs to have equal time with his parents.

[alamo76]

We're all fairly honest and straight up on this board with each other so I'm going to just say that your quote there is petty and mean. She left her toys behind so you're going to keep them? Really? What will you do with her stuff? Do you really want it around anyway?

Not her toys. It was our son's old clothes. Many of them have sentimental value to me. I was in the middle of sorting the others out to give out to the needy. The same thing goes for her stuff. It's a sad side note that she has not asked for any of her bibles (with her being the ex-missions student and all).

And if that sounds weak... well, I believe it's the strongest thing in the world to forgive the person who is hurting you. It takes a strength of character and an abundance of love to go there. But I also realize I don't have a choice. I can be angry all day at her, but it doesn't affect her one bit - it affects me and the kids.

True, forgiving the person who is hurting me is very important for one's self, to say the least. However, when that someone is blindly hurting someone else I love the most (our son), that's a whole different story. My wife's decisions to this very day are making compromises with our son's life and stability.

Yes, I need to let my feelings go and be productive. Believe me, I do -- it's still a 180 I practice diligently. Sometimes I just can't help but react when our son flatly (and obviously disappointedly) says that if he asked mommy to come with us to, say, the kids museum to have fun, she will say no.

[antlers]

And if that sounds weak... well, I believe it's the strongest thing in the world to forgive the person who is hurting you. It takes a strength of character and an abundance of love to go there.

However, when that someone is blindly hurting someone else I love the most (our son), that's a whole different story. My wife's decisions to this very day are making compromises with our son's life and stability.

I promise you that right now is not the time to be forgiving your wife. She's hurting you, and she's hurting your son. And she doesn't care. Use your anger toward her to provide you with energy to take positive actions that are in your best interest.

[alamo76]

UPDATE
I can't believe my wife has so little respect for me (maybe it has something to do with her hatred, being a Type-A and the fact that she's going to be a full-blown doctor really soon). Here's what happened a couple of evenings ago:

She's out of town for exams and interviews in the East Coast for this entire week. On Wednesday evening she calls out of the blue, but we missed her call because I was giving our son a bath. I text her back later that night: "Sorry we missed you...it was bath night." I wasn't surprised she didn't respond.

This morning when I dropped our son off at daycare, the provider told me that my wife had called to talk to our son. I asked if my wife just called on a whim to chat. The provider said that my wife texted first to ask what time would be best to call.

Wait a second...why doesn't my wife do the same when our son is at my place? Is that how little respect she has for me? Even less than a childcare provider?

When my wife takes our son out of town, at least I inform her ahead of time when I would call to talk to him. Even then, she never kept to those times either.

[antlers]

Wait a second...why doesn't my wife do the same when our son is at my place? Is that how little respect she has for me? Even less than a childcare provider?

One of the hardest things for me to get my brain around was the fact that the mother of my children didn't give a damn about me anymore. And I wish I had come to that realization, and accepted it, long before I did.

[alamo76]

It's our wedding anniversary to me today... nothing happy about it, nothing sad about it either. Just reminds me of what I've lost and why I keep trusting in the Lord.

[alamo76]

UPDATE 3:35pm
Today our son is sick and resting with mom, who is also recovering from something. Just paid him a visit and he looked so miserable. Poor little booger. Thank God he doesn't get sick often, though.

He cried and cried while I was there and I held him awhile before I left. I was supposed to have him over as usual, but I felt that he needed rest rather than activity, so I suggested that he stayed and see him tomorrow.

I gave our son a hug and he cried for mommy. My wife then said, "Kids all over the world as for their mommy when they're sick."

[alamo76]

UPDATE 12/19 8am
It's going to be a comparatively quiet/lonely Christmas and New Year this year. Our son left with my wife for TN for a grand total of 18 long days. I already miss him dearly.

When I dropped our son off at her place a few hours before they flew out, I asked my wife if she's read the emails I'd sent her over the weekend. I said that in one of them I gave her a rough schedule of when I would call her to talk to our son during their stay there. This is what she said:

W: No. I've been really busy; I haven't checked my email in days.
M: Well, when you get the chance, have a look at it.
W: Why do you need a schedule? We may have plans. Just call whenever.
M: That's the idea of a schedule, so we don't have to play phone tag.
W: (Laughs) You are trying to be controlling. Stop being controlling.
M: I don't want to call when I fancy. That would be more annoying. (I was subconsciously pointing at her own past behavior).

Then our son said loudly: "Stop, stop! Those are bad words."

I hope what he said broke her heart as much as it did mine. We haven't "argued" like this in months, but our son could pick up on it right away. The next part is hypothetical: Another sad part about it is the possibility that our son's reaction is fueling my wife's anger/animosity/resolve. In her eyes, nothing has changed, because our son is the automatic argument tell-tale. Daddy is still the same jerk. Nothing has changed.

I didn't pursue the conversation and quickly changed to saying one last goodbye to our son, and telling him to be polite and to behave.

UPDATE 12/19
I had also asked my wife (verbally and by email) to send me their flight itinerary, but still no response. This irresponsibility is driving me up the wall!

Hope everyone else is doing fine and ramping up safely for Christmas!

[25yearsmlc]

on one hand, how are YOU being controlling when SHE is taking him out of state for 18 days?

That takes some nerve. Her perspective is very self serving so she's not aware of her own bias.

OTOH, why do YOU need an itinerary if she has given ont to her family? If there's a crash, they'll call. I mean I get that you want to know where your son is but you do pretty much know.

Keep those emails short and few.

The more you send the more she'll blow them off as being excessive and controlling.

My h texts me when he's away, and mostly the texts are tasks or "to do" lists and reminders...I hate that

and we're married!

[workinghardguy]

W: No. I've been really busy; I haven't checked my email in days.
M: Well, when you get the chance, have a look at it.
W: Why do you need a schedule? We may have plans. Just call whenever.

... and end scene. IMO, you should've just ended it right there. After that it became more about her not complying with your request than about the request.

I understand wanting to be able to reach your S when he's gone for 18 days (and I won't get into the related issue of why she thinks she's entitled to an 18 day period with him). The schedule was, ostensibly, to make reaching him possible. She pushed back and didn't like the idea. And then, at least to me, it appears to have become about her not wanting to go along with your idea. However, she did offer a second idea, "calling whenever". Is it possible that when you do call whenever she'll become annoyed or angry? Sure it is. But then you can at least remind her that calling whenever was the agreed upon solution.

Co-parenting is tough... it's about respecting the freedoms and decisions of the other. When she has your S she has the control. If she doesn't want to give you a schedule she won't. Pushing only makes it worse. It's like that scene from A Few Good Men:

Lawyer: "I object!"
Judge: "Overruled"
Other Lawyer (Demi Moore's character): "I strenuously object!"
Judge: "Still overruled!"

and Tom Cruise's character (Caffrey) goes on to explain to Demi Moore that she just made her and the legal team out to be weaklings. That she overplayed her hand and showed how little power she really has.

Don't overplay... identify what you can control and what you can't. And when confronted something you can't, learn that you have to accept the powerlessness.