Somewhere between filing and D

[jon2911]

Still nothing from W. 2 weeks until the hearing.

[jon2911]

Got the divorce agreement from W Friday night. Looks good. We'll discuss a couple things and then I'll sign and not need to go to court.

And today, I finished my first marathon! In 40 degrees and rain. Very interesting timing. I knew that when I signed up for it. Feeling very, very good. Something about setting a goal and accomplishing it. I forget this so easily.

Lots of emotions running the race today. Throughout the course were probably 20 major memory spots for W and I. We loved White Rock Lake. I started crying, thinking "How can I handle this? How can I live in a world where everything reminds me of her?" I really started to give those memories to God. Something I've been really resisting. I don't see how He can heal these places, and I'm still in denial that it's really over. I sent the box of her letters home with my parents. Told them to stash them in the attic somewhere, I don't want them around. I've been dreading that step also.

How can she do this when we still get a long so well every time we spend time together? Until she gets her migraines figured out and gets back on her feet she won't be anything but hyper-critical. A lesson from FaithfulH. It's her decision and I respect it, hard as it is.

W texted to check on if I was ready to sign. Told her my lawyer won't see it until tomorrow. Sent a pic from the end of the marathon, she said "good job".

[workinghardguy]

Jon I think you're doing all you can. This will sound pretty lame I think... but there is that very old quote "If you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you." I've always hated that quote. Felt it was trite and shallow. And I still hate the quote but I guess I'm coming to terms with it having some truth in it. Guess I just hate it for different reasons now

Something I've been batting around in my head the last two days... I've done some research on dating after divorce. Most sites and experts say to give yourself at least a year after the divorce before trying out any romantic relationships. And I wonder if that isn't also good advice here too.

That even if going dark and living the dark life worked wonders... that our W's came back and said that they missed us, regretted the divorce, and want to get back together... if it wouldn't behoove us to say, "let's slow this down..." We just blew everything up and frankly I'm not in a spot for a relationship right now. Not with you, not with anyone. Let's give it some time... we can go to dinner, we can catch a movie, but the love yous, and commitment... that's going to need to wait.

You put me out... but I'm not the family dog who will patiently waits by the door until you decide to let me back in.

[jon2911]

Thanks WHG. That really is true.

After some back and forth, my L said the paperwork looks good. I'm signing and e-mailing it to W, will mail a copy tomorrow. So it's done, no need to go to court on the 15th.

I'm relieved in a way. She had so many chances to make better decisions. I'm really enjoying some new female company at church, work is going well. Came across a book today "Room for Two" by Abel Keogh, who's pregnant wife committed suicide. Sounds crazy, but I related to so much of it. Especially how much he struggled with everyone's reactions. Without my W's migraines and mental illness, this D would have been done 4 years ago. Instead, 2011 has been a really crappy year.

I hold my head high tonight, because I did absolutely everything I could.

[MichelleLT]

CONGRATS ON THE MARATHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And 2012 will be better!

(((Jon)))

[MichelleLT]

What do you mean "how you signed the final decree". That you signed it without a fight?

As for the student loans, you've sent proof and told her the correct amount. If she brings it up again try and be patient. You know she's not doing it on purpose. You can't control what she does or doesn't remember. She needs to figure out how to cope with that on her own.

[MichelleLT]

Checked out the links. Running in the rain is no fun. I did a 10k trail run last year where it poured the whole time. Mud puddles aren't so much fun when you are trying to run and get somewhere instead of just jumping in them LOL.

Congrats on finishing! That is quite an accomplishment, especially with the weather factor!

[jon2911]

Nice shirts! I'm so proud of finishing. Not only was it raining, the temp started low 40's and dropped throughout the race. At mile 19, we had just finished looping the lake in the coldest wind. Some volunteers set up a fire pit, and I had no problem stopping to warm up with other runners. Such a cool moment. It wasn't a day for record times, but just to finish and say we did. Reminds me of here in DB-land.

My W was upset because I sign "Jon", my middle name, not my first name. This is how I sign everything, my license, etc. She said she was worried about things going wrong at the courthouse. And she pushed me about the student loan number "you promise?"

It's not my fault that she's having difficulty with her memory and her lawyer. Maybe her lawyer wants her to push for more? I don't know. 4 years ago we were in this exact spot, I signed and everything. She needs to go through with it if that's what she wants.

[jon2911]

Mile 19 fire pit: http://www.twitpic.com/7qw3fe

[MichelleLT]

That was very cool of the volunteers!

Finishing is definitely the goal. Fast or slow, it's the same finish line.

If that's how you sign everything, it won't be a problem.

She will do whatever she does. You have no control over that. Give your problems over to someone with shoulders big enough for them.