Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[Abbey]

Mine isn't acting like that at the moment either. That said, they do spin cycle all over the darn place. It's our job not to get too discouraged, or too overly optimistic.

They do this at their own pace, and can back slide the same way that we do when R talks come up, or we get clingy etc.

You said something about "risking" the marriage. Some go so far off the rails, that they really have no clue what they're risking. While others, like yours and mine... just want the world to stop for a while til they can figure it out. Neither is easy, both have their own sets of problems for us to deal with, and roller coaster rides to endure.

Like yours, mine spends more time mad at the OW, and wanting to just be with his daughter etc. I mean, you really want to SUE someone you supposedly love? Yet... much like your H, with doubts,... in their mind this all makes sense. He have doubts, but I still want to be with her - It's hard not to try to make sense of it, but it won't make sense, because their brains are soup

The thing is,... that because they're not necessarily as committed, it can take longer for their head to wrap around the whole gravity of what they've done too. Because limbo is a soft cushy place where they don't have to do anything... they can sit there and stew. They will eventually get off the pot... but non committal has a harder time "blowing up" unless the OW is a total nut job. (That's what I"m counting on, with mine).

Because he's asking for time, you have the time to show him what he'd be missing... and all the new interesting things he'll be missing. It's an opportunity for us... we best not squander it

Cheers
Abbey

[Nblost]

Yes, I am guessing that my H and OW are in a "hot" affair...but not necessarily worried about the long-term right now or a big commitment. I have a feeling OW may just be having fun while she goes through her separation/divorce and my H is riding along. (Fits well with his feedback that she's really fun, energetic, etc) He maybe can't get into a huge relationship talk with her because it would be "dorky" at this point to talk about a big future. My H was so starved for love and attention when he met her...he'd have fallen head over heels.

Again, I'm also hoping the fact I discovered the A while it was only 4-5 weeks old is also a good thing. I would hope he may have kept things a little less serious with OW than he would have if it was secret. I do think he's conflicted.

I also don't think "my" OW is psycho at all. I have friends who have mutual facebook friends with her and I've met OW's dad through my job (CEO of a company I did work for as a consultant). I may have a huge problem that she won't put pressure on H or go psycho on him. My best bet may be that she gets tired of him flying home to his family and she meets someone else in her social circle.

Saying this out loud, I do need to keep showing H what he is missing. If I rock the boat in January and he moves out...maybe he realizes he's losing a lot over just some "fun"?

Of course, I am also hoping some of the intense endorphins start to die down a bit and maybe some reality seeps into their A too. At a minimum, I hope yesterday makes H feel some more guilt and like he's missing out on things at home. I just hope he has a few moments on his trip with her where he feels hollow...

[Abbey]

That hollow feeling comes in spirts from what my H said. It's often at something so unrelated too. She may say a word that you usually use, or has a quirk that he finds endearing in you.... which in her, seems trite. Ya just never know.

I figure she's probably going to grow tired of him. Frankly, that's not a bad thing. Because he's then given a taste of his own medicine - being dumped. Can be quite conducive to being opened to making amends and really doing the work necessary.

Abbey

[Starsky309]

I don't understand. Why would either of you want to be with someone who is making you their SECOND choice? What am I missing?


Starsky

[Nblost]

Took the girls to a church event tonight where we made cookies and then delivered them to senior citizens and caroled. It was a great thing to do with the kids and nice to feel good about helping others. H texted me from OW's city while we were doing it and he said it was awesome that we did that. He was pretty engaged in texting us afterwards, so he seemed to be alone at his hotel.

I don't know when he leaves on his trip with OW...I imagine he'll go radio silent at that point. I just need to stay strong on the DB and positive in my interactions...pretty easy via text message.

He was also still really buzzed up about getting great feedback and praise at work...it'd be great if that helps build up his ego/self esteem. I figure the more positive I am, the kids are, and work is...maybe he needs OW a little less? Oh yeah, except for the sex part...dang! :-)

[Nblost]

Starsky, for me, the last 6 months are completely different from the rest of our 12 year marriage. This is the first time H has done anything like this (and I truly believe that because he acted so differently once he was in an A that I knew something was going on). Our marriage had deteriorated and I could have seen myself tempted by an A in the right situation. Our biggest issue was a difference in sexual desire but I think I also need more from H in terms of communication and quality time. We had also stopped being warm and appreciative to each other.

I've actually told my H that I won't be his second choice and he's making me second choice every week that this continues. He says he understands and he'll move out...but he hasn't done that yet. After the holidays, I'll get serious about this not continuing.

I have three daughters who don't know this is going on and love their dad. If he would wake up out of his fog, I'd be willing to work on the marriage to keep our family together. And, we've never been to marital counseling and I have a hard time giving up without trying that.

However, if H continues to waver or he won't do the work...we'll be done. I'm not going to put up with this for very much longer.

I think for me, the other reality is that given the devastation of this...I'm not ready to move on and start dating yet or anything close...so, I feel like I might as well give us a chance and work on myself right now.

[Abbey]

NB, as was my H. This ISN'T the man he is. (nor what he was before involvement with her.) It is very specific to a person to whom he just can't seem to let go of. It's a caustic, inter-toxic mix and power-struggle between them. He had it beat until the daughter sitch became clear. Frankly, she is an addiction to him. Just like booze, or gambling or any other compulsion. (And fwiw, calling this a compulsion/addiction isn't an excuse if anything, it's a very pointed finger. I'm an ex smoker - cold turkey, and an "ex" heavy drinker - cold turkey, so I'm well aware of owning what you do in your own addictions and compulsions and your WANT AND NEED to control and conquer them. I'm quite aware that you have to WANT to make those changes in your life. And since I did that for me,... I see no real reason why someone else cannot do the same. I'm probably tougher on the expectation to "grow a brain" of people who need to, than the average person, BECAUSE I did so myself. Daemons are meant to be beat, and I don't buy - I can't, it's hard etc.)

As it is now though,...My H still wavers as well between defending her, and wanting to take her to court and rid his daughter of that poor excuse for a mother. He's struggling, holding on to the side of the pool, reaching out to me in fits and spirts... but is still unable to finally try to break free again and conquer this. He IS making an effort and trying to get it all straight in his head like he had to before. The need for cold turkey doesn't necessarily make sense to everyone, So...

I too am at a place where I won't let this go on forever. I too was at a place before this happened that I actually thought of leaving. (No other person involved at all.) I want a relationship that fills me with joy, and fulfillment. I want a man, not a spin cycle. I want to be with someone (if at all) who is as willing to work on us as the priority as I am. If not, it's not worth my time. I'll give him his "cold turkey" no matter if he wants it or not.

If mine isn't able or willing to do the work, once the fog lifts, I'm done too. My exit strategy IS in place. That is doing this, this way, for me, nobody else.

NB and I understand where our head space is, because we're living it. We're seeing this first hand and Starsky, whilst you may not understand the full scope of this, I think both NB and I have a very good handle on what needs to be done.

Cheers
Abbey

[Nblost]

Trust me though, I question myself every minute on how I am surviving this and if I'm doing the right thing!

I guess I feel good that I confronted H when I found out about the A and I've told him honestly all along how much this is hurting me.

The DB-ing part for me is getting a life for myself (something I had let slip away in the craziness of our daily life), showing H that I'm changing by being more positive, fun, and upbeat, and being more affectionate with H.

At some point, I will have a conversation with him about how moving forward from here will take a big leap of faith from both of us. I will need to believe he can end his affair and I can trust him again. He will need to believe he can come back to me and I'll forgive him. And we will both need to believe we can work on our marriage and get it to a better place.

I wouldn't be doing any of this if I didn't fundamentally believe H was a good person before this happened and we didn't have a base of friendship.

But, all that said, this has been extremely painful. H seems to be gradually "waking up"...but I don't know where this will go. Underneath it all, I want a husband who truly wants to be with me...and I no longer know if that is my H.

[Abbey]

Exactly Nb,... the pain, wondering what will be left of you *after* this whole thing is done (how do we actually survive this?)... if this IS the right way to go? It's all there. I questioned myself the first time, it's no different now.

It's awful to feel like you, your life, your marriage, your decisions, or not making the "right" decisions are constantly in the crosshairs. For me, I know that I have to feel ok that I've done what I could do. Closing the door becomes an easy thing then.

It's interesting that like you, there's a friendship base there, and that H is a fundamentally good person, that if they were not, I too, wouldn't bother.

I keep thinking of a quote I heard on one of my fave tv shows said a few weeks back: I want something permanent, that can't be taken away, is that too much to ask?

No matter if that's with H, or someone else (doubtful).. or simply by myself, completely OK with living on my own, being my own person, having my OWN life, where NOBODY can threaten it again. That's what I want.

Is that going to be with our respective H's? Only time will tell. I know this: Each arrow of pain, is like one more chunk taken out of me. Each chunk makes it harder to see my love for him being able to survive it.

Abbey

[Nblost]

Agree completely. That's why I know I can't go on for long...too much will be lost and I also believe H needs to see the consequences of his actions. I am glad I've been (somewhat) patient until now...because I think H has seen some changes in me and I believe he's having more conflicting thoughts.

I know that for me, the kids are a big part of it. I ideally want them to grow up in a home where their parents are happily married and they can see an example of how marriage should work. I also don't want to give up too quickly and lose out on a portion of their childhood. I also don't think either me or H can imagine us not being a family. H still invites me to do everything he does with the girls. I can also see the struggles of finding someone new when there are kids involved.

On the other hand, I also want to raise strong daughters and I don't want them to sense I am being a doormat. I think if H could look at himself...he'd see he's not acting how he would want their future husbands to act towards them.

So complicated, and I think you can only take things day by day.

I do really appreciate the diverse perspectives on this board though, and I want people to push me and test my thinking. I know I'm stronger and more able to think differently because of all of you!