Indecision and the affair continues (Part 2)

[imthemom]

Just jumping in here but, has anyone read or heard any post about when H comes out of the fog and does realize what they have done????... Would like to know what that looks like ....

[Nblost]

Great question! Let's hope at least one H has eventually come out of the fog!

From the books I have, I have a hard time finding situations where the H continues the affair and then eventually comes out of it. Most of the examples are of situations where the H agrees to end the A and then they are full of grief and an emotional wreck.

From some of the books I've read, the H doesn't truly recognize what they've done until therapy has started and they start to hear all of the pain they caused the betrayed spouse and see/hear the spouse's anger and sadness. From what I've read, it's really key for both people to go through the pain of telling/hearing about the affair both to start to heal/forgive and to hopefully ensure the H doesn't do it again.

I've been hoping my H may be showing some sign

[Nblost]

H just left for his work trip/weekend away with OW. I think today went really well from a DB perspective.

I ended up asking H if he wanted to meet me for lunch today...but, I couldn't go until about 1:30 pm due to work meetings. H said okay and when he met me, he just got an iced tea because he had already had lunch with his coworkers. I thought it was interesting he met me when he could have easily have said he had already gone to lunch (especially since I gave him an easy out because I went so late)

H got home from work in time for a family dinner with our three girls. The girls were excited we were all together. After dinner, H found the Christmas ornaments and we turned on Christmas music and decorated the tree. I can't believe that didn't pull on his heartstrings at least a little? When we were done, we had a fire going and H sat down next to me and put his hand on my leg. We each had a glass of wine and the kids were running around being silly.

H then went up to pack (I did sneak a peek into his little suitcase and didn't see anything unusual to give me a clue about his trip with OW...I was glad not to see a swimsuit or several pairs of shorts). I sat down by the fire and read a book. I didn't engage him in any conversation and he came in a couple times to make small talk and I was friendly but didn't say many words. He was also offering to help with various things tonight...hopefully that means he feels some guilt over leaving.

When he left, he came over, kissed the top of my head and gave me a hug. He said he'd call me later. He seemed a bit sad/lonely to me. I calmly said I'd talk to him later. He left to go get on the red eye flight.

Anyway, I told a friend via email...I feel like I really aced today...too bad the only person aware of the competition I'm in is me!

Of course, I'm nervous/scared that he can now go running into the friendly arms of OW...but hopefully this is the right approach by me to give him the space to feel bad.

I feel like the next few days are going to be one hour at a time...at least I do have some things going on to keep me busy--cookie making tomorrow at our church, work trip on Thursday/Friday (my parents are coming to stay with kids), and then hopefully taking the girls on a road trip on Saturday/Sunday.

M: 43
H: 45
D10, D8, D4
Married 12 years
EA/PA: 8/2011
Affair continues, H still in house

[Abbey]

One minute at a time. The hard part is that this crap hardens your heart. When you're away from it, you can busy yourself with your own life easier than when they're stuck IN your life, spinning their damn wheels.

Yes, I think they do feel bad. I think they don't have the capacity to deal with it.

It's hard to find info on the affair/fog lifting I think because men aren't as forthcoming with emotions. They seem to want it to all go away once they realize the damage they have left in their path. It's a big mountain to climb, in their minds. One that makes them fearful.

The job we have as the LBS, is to make sure they don't take the ski lift up to the top of the mountain... in order for BOTH people to heal,... they have to make the climb and make amends.

Abbey

[Nblost]

H texted me a few times as he got on the plane. I texted back and told him I appreciated him finding the Christmas ornaments. He said he had fun, the kids were mostly good, they are cute, and then he said, "Sorry about everything we are going through. I am going to read your book".

I didn't see the texts until this morning. I responded and said, "Okay. I think you may also want to talk to our MC." H is referring to either the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Friends" or the book "When Good People Have Affairs". I haven't pushed any books on him, but I told him I had read a few books on affairs and I thought it was helpful. (I am NOT tell him about Divorce Busting...)

H called this morning to tell me he did really well in his first meeting of the day (after his red eye flight...he is insane) One of the top people at the company he works for noted his project and stood up to shake H's hand for doing an outstanding job.

More baby steps? He's gone now for a week so I think I play it cool. It seems like the combo of DB and the holidays may be getting to him a bit.

[Abbey]

It sounds like you're doing ok. Just remember baby steps. And he'll still slip. The fact that he's willing to read the books... is a big step forward. Don't be too disappointed if he doesn't get all the way through it.

He's moving towards you... just keep the path smooth... but not too easy

Abbey

[Starsky309]

More baby steps? He's gone now for a week so I think I play it cool. It seems like the combo of DB and the holidays may be getting to him a bit.

Mind-reading. DB says not to mind-read. Who knows WHAT he's thinking, or WHY he's thinking it?

Best to focus on YOU -- your GALing, your improvements, your goals.


Starsky

[Nblost]

Thanks Abbey. Yeah, and his trip this weekend with OW is a big factor. Is he more worried than usual about keeping the fire with me warm? He seems to want both options to remain open.

He's loosely said he'll read something or get counseling before...so I am not getting my hopes up too high. Honestly, I hope he talks to our counselor over reading a book.

I intend to remain busy here and quiet. Let him think about his actions and hopefully OW senses something this weekend. It'd be great timing for that to blow up around now.

[Abbey]

Just remember that when this thing does blow up... he has to mourn that loss. As hard as it can be for us to understand it. (esp since they didn't seem to mourn OUR loss)... don't be surprised if it takes weeks or even months. They'll sulk, they'll waiver,... just respect his process, he'll figure it out when he's good and ready and not before, unfortunately

[Nblost]

Agree...one of my friends had an A and she was a wreck for about three weeks when she ended it. I've heard you want to see that grief/mourning though too so that hopefully it's really ending or over. We'll see if I get to that point.

My H has consistently said he hasn't been sure about OW. He believes things could be great between them based on what he had seen so far, but he's consistently asked for time to figure things out. My hope is that given I found out about the A about 6 weeks into it...maybe they aren't quite as committed to each other as some As? Who knows. Obviously there's a big enough connection to risk our entire marriage over it.

Time will tell...I do think it's good for me to have some hope to inspire me to keep up the DB-ing. I also don't think H is really acting like a man who thinks he's going to be separated/heading towards a D.