[quote=Nblost]And yes, the touch, cuddle is connection which btw, is like a modem to the other person's brain.
Abbs, not sure what you meant, but it makes me think about my own sitch where H and started to reconnect. Before I really knew anything for sure, I went to find H one day because I was so upset. My searching him out was a 180 i didn't realize was a 180. H was relieved I sought him out. We reconnected like crazy that night ...if you know what I mean...The NEXT day...the next day ow left office crying and all upset. I'm convinced she picked up on H and reconnecting and she knew she was losing him. Things got out od=f control between them for a few weeks, but I held my ground, stuck to my own rule book.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Where I'm going with it MZ, is that if a spouse feels sex starved, ignoring them, isn't necessarily the best course of action. Being interested, IS a 180, imo. So... as I've mentioned in a couple of threads, including my own, I see nothing wrong with tossing sex in the mix, IF, you can handle it.
If you can't... then touch is a pretty decent paving stone, I think. People who respond to touch, seem to be the same people who need the physicality of sex more than the average bear. Thus... I think that one seems to connect to the brain/heart/head the same way as sex would. Eg: modem to the brain.
I'm using back rubs because I KNOW that H could have that done to him for hours. Me, it's brushing my hair. I love it. I could sit and have someone play with my hair for hours. Guess what he's been doing in response to my back rubs.
My T is interested in the fact that we're in this place, but we still both seek out the touch connection. It's a bond technique that they suggest to parents and infants... including step parents. Simple touch can be very powerful.
I go so far as to touch my H's shoulder when we're looking over business contracts etc. If they quote - unquote "let" you touch them. Use it, I say.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Thanks guys...I will continue the touching as much as possible. It is taking a lot for me to remain positive and not lose it about OW or his upcoming trip. H was secretly texting tonight and it is so disrespectful.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Nblost, teensy, tinsy little baby steps. Don't expect touch to work magic with no slip ups. (I know you know this, we all do, but the heart gets really hopeful, even when the head knows better.)
Even with the cuddly H, mine was all concerned about daughter getting home late from a family gathering with OW's husband. He proceeds then to tell me his concern about OW, not getting enough sleep, because the kids got home late, and she has to get up at 5 am. ... Like I care eh? I care that daughter isn't being taken care of properly. I care that she might/will be grumpy if he sees daughter today. I care that children need structure and consistency. I don't give a rats ass about the OW, her lack of sleep OR anything else of her supposed hardships.
He told me she rarely sleeps. He STILL views her as some kind of little broken bird that needs to be protected. His concern for her at times makes me want to slap him on the head. Yes, disrespect. Yes, our H's have their heads up their collective butts. Sadly we simply don't know what ends up being the straw that breaks the camel's back with OW. We wait and we wonder.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Had a work trip today to Vegas where H and OW went on a vacation at some point (I'm guessing early in the A). I was so stressed last night that I barely slept..both a combination of needing to lead a work meeting in my current emotional/mental state and not wanting to go there. I have felt like my heart is being stepped on all day today...amazing how much your chest can hurt. (H was texting me while I was there that I should have fun, gamble, go out to eat...which I guess was nice...and I haven't told him it was hard for me to go there)
I survived. He is home until tomorrow night when he returns to OW's city for work and then their trip. I haven't asked where they are going or for how long...although it strikes me that it wouldn't be unreasonable to know given I'm home with our three kids. But, I will not ask...I refuse to talk about their stupid A.
H is being "nice" as usual, but a bit distant and it's hard because we don't have any good conversations (since we have a dark cloud over us at all times due to the A). I guess LRT would say I don't really want to engage him that much in conversation anyway.
I keep thinking...what if H "woke up" and could be man enough to cancel his weekend with OW and be here for his family? I know that's too quick, extreme and good to be true...but it would show so much character. I just don't get how he can go away during the holidays with OW and not be wracked with guilt.
At least I did tell him how hurt this trip makes me feel (over Thanksgiving when I went nutty with bad R talks). I guess I need to realize that I said what I wanted to say and there's not much more I can do. He needs to deal with his life. I know I wasn't perfect...but I don't understand how he can throw everything that we had/have away.
Venting once again...
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
I know I wasn't perfect...but I don't understand how he can throw everything that we had/have away.
Venting once again...
Because they are in the most SELFISH place within their own heads. No other good way to put it. They're just alien abducted. Don't expect clarity, because they're not in that place yet.
Honestly, at some point, the detaching gets easier and is a relief. Work on that. It's for you, not him.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Thanks Abbey...I guess that's the biggest struggle. He is in such a selfish place and I can see the bigger picture. I wonder if the selfishness starts to go away gradually, or if they tend to only wake up when something really cracks--like OW freaks out or the W kicks them out of the house?
You are right about detaching...I guess it feels harder when my H is kind of "in and out" of our relationship. (although, I would rather have him wavering than clearly done)
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
The wavering is a good thing. Just let it run it's course. I call that the "spin cycle". That's where I'm at. Go read my latest post in my thread to see what I mean. We're having a great time, he's CLEARLY doing something that would drive the OW off her tree,... then the next moment he asks me a question that should have gotten him punched in the head. They're SOOOO selfish right now that there's nothing you can do but put your seat belt on.
It often comes in bits and fits... sometimes in one big bite, but more often than not, in bits and fits, then something is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
It's also why I say detaching, once you get the hang of it is a god send.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
