MZ, I'm being very cautious with this. I agree it's a small positive, but H has talked about future plans with me before and I can't tell if it's because he is so good at compartmentalizing or if he really means it. (or he's in denial)
I do feel better today because of his words...so I'm going to use that feeling to keep moving ahead on my GAL-ing.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Just caught up on your sitch and can really relate to a lot of your feelings. It is so hard to DB when everyone around you in "real life" (not on the internet) says just kick 'em to the curb. But using a sledgehammer is not gonna get us the results we want.
25 & Abbey have some fantastic posts on your thread - I loved this by Abbey
"It's so typical with these loons. They'd rather just reach for the low hanging fruit on the affair tree, and eat for the day, than water and nurture a whole tree (the marriage). Walk away men in particular seem to assume that lust and wild sex should just always be there without any nurturing from themselves. They mistake infatuation for love. *growl* Life is work. Marriage is work. Raising kids is work. Loving another person IS WORK."
I think when the WAS is out of the house it can speed up the process of them hitting rock bottom. They cant live in a fantasy world like they can when they are at home.
Sounds like your H will be living alone and not with OW if he moves out. An empty bachelor pad is so depressing and pathetic.
I have no idea if kicking him out will work or not but I do think it will get him closer to reality. A reality that he lives rather then you telling him how it will be.
You are doing great. Lots of hope in your sitch. Fake it till you make it.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Thanks for your thoughts. I agree there is some hope...and I'm lucky that my H has never said he wants a D. He's been willing to say he'd move out, but that's been more in reaction to me telling him he can't stay if he continues the A.
Right, H is dreading the bachelor pad. He said to me back in October, "I wouldn't want to live alone...I wouldn't know what to do when I didn't have the kids". (Great sign of being comfortable with yourself, huh?) My guess is he'd travel for work and just try to have the kids at a hotel on the weekends. That'd mean leaving his stuff here...which annoys me...but in a way, I guess is probably not bad to make for that smoother paved road home. The other thing that gets under my skin is I'd guess he'd try to have his visitation schedule synch up for when OW has her kids. I'm sure there's not a lot I can do about that...but it's annoying. He knows logistics of OW and the kids being 2,000 miles away will be hard.
I think the DUMBEST thing is that I really believe my H can't decide. I swear if you aren't sure...everything I read (granted, written for rational people) says you have to give your marriage a chance. How can you leave three little girls without saying you tried? I just hope deep down, he can realize that.
I really believe DB is helping me...he's been warming up gradually to me and seeing some changes. Just hard to know...on the other hand, I've never seen him act the way he's acting and be so cold at times.
One other thing. I have a CD in my car that I've listened to almost nonstop since the affair. Sara Groves, Add to the Beauty. It has a christian bent to it, but the lyrics are perfect for DB-ing and it seems like she wrote it in response to marital problems/affairs. I'd highly recommend especially if you are struggling with radio music. (I can't stand the radio right now...especially seeing H mouthing along to some really stupid pop songs about love...)
Me: 43, H: 45 D10, D8, D4 M: 12 Affair: 8/11 Affair continues, H still at home
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Also, the friend who gave me the CD successfully worked through an affair his wife had. They are now happier than they were before. She quit her A pretty much upon discovery, but was a mess for a few weeks trying to get over OM.
She said the reason she stayed was her husband was so nice and supportive.
Anyway, he listened to the CD non-stop so I am hoping it gives off good vibes!
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
NB- When I 1st started coming to this board I was reading all kinds of stories about the LBS getting all dressed up and when the WAS came over, the LBS would leave and go to the GAL things.....kinda making the WAS "wonder."
There's a good thread in the piecing section by XYZ. He finally had had enough and came on to post that he was done and wouldn't be staying long. As he was really done, his W began to come back around and he ended up staying. He hasn't posted in awhile, so I don't know what has happened. we're all anxiously awaiting his return to let us know.
Our wood guy had a WAW and he was telling me all about it. I printed off XYZ's stuff and gave it to him. He found it really helpful. It really shows how going dark can work.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
Here are the links to his progress. Kinda a long read, but if your are up and can't sleep....Get a cup of cocoa and follow his progress. Food for thought.
Thanks MZ. I read some of XYZ's stuff and sounds like he had some good progress...I hope he is okay.
I feel like my sitch is kind of unique from the perspective of my H being so "confused". He doesn't want to move out, but he doesn't want to give up his A. I think it may be an internal struggle for him between his responsible, family life and his new, exciting life. I think the power of LRT and maybe eventually going dimmer is that it will hopefully allow him to think through things.
If he decides his A is worth shattering our family over and he's not willing to try to work on his M...I'm increasingly okay with that. I deserve someone who will make me a priority and be willing to have a healthy, balanced relationship with me. I think believing this is key for me to be strong and hopefully give off the kind of attitude that makes me more attractive to him.
We are in a very "awkward" place right now given his vacation next weekend with OW. I just need to ignore it and hope he feels increasing guilt about it. But, hard to know how much he can understand what he's doing.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
