Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.V

[jon2911]

I heard about the ACU wreck. Very interesting that she contacted you about it.

Someone else will have to give you advice on the co-parenting stuff. I don't know, other than that you can't really control what she does. I do like how concerned of a father you are.

[alamo76]

Happy belated TG everybody. I've been busy the past week and a half, and haven't been checking in like I normally do.

UPDATE
11/19-11/25: Took our son to Dallas for TG with my sister and brother-in-law. When I went to pick him up 11/18 from my wife's house:

W: So I guess you don't need a letter from me to travel with our son, huh? (Recall the whole fiasco when my wife took our son out of state awhile back?)
M: Hmm. No.
W: Ha-ha-ha. (It was a sarcastic laugh, BTW. I ignored it.)

11/25 - From Dallas I text my wife to ask she'd like to pick our son up at 6pm that evening. (She knows our itinerary, since I emailed it to her weeks ago.) This was the rest of the text message conversation:

W: Im actually out of town...but I can pick him up tomorrow night.
M: Ok, let's make it Sunday afternoon like usual.
W: I would really like to get him Saturday night or Sunday morning.
M: Sure! I'll drop E off at 8am tomorrow on our way to church.
W: Thanks. I really appreciate it.

I was a little surprised by the smiley face.

Anyway, I dropped our son off as agreed on this morning and at 8:53pm I received the following email from my wife:

Alamo,

I'll have E with me tomorrow. We're going to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. He'll be back to day care as usual on Tuesday.

You'll have E the week of December 6, and then again for 2 different weeks in January while I'm gone for interviews. I'm planning on taking him for Christmas to Tennessee for 2 weeks December 17- Jan 3.

Hope you guys had a good vacation,
Wife.

This was my initial reply, because I don't think I agree with her taking our son for two long weeks to TN for "Christmas". That's one bloody long Xmas:

Thanks for the info. I realize tomorrow's trip was perhaps spur-of-the-moment. Nonetheless, in the future, please try to plan and let me and Ez know ahead of time if you plan to take an extra time with him. I had told him that we'll see each other again tomorrow, so if there was change of plans, I'd prefer to be the one telling it to him, and vice versa.

Also, have you or will you be contacting Tessie about taking Ezra off tomorrow?

Is there anything I can say to express my disagreement? The way I see it is that my wife thinks that she can call the shots on when and where she takes our son just to make up for the time I spent with him while she goes for interviews. That's her loss, right? She chose this path/career and she still expects me to have tit-for-tat time with our son? No friggin' way!

[jon2911]

I think that reply is fine. Firm but not unnecessarily spiteful. Someday if the D goes through you'll have all this spelled out, for now it's going to be tough. Hang in there!

[25yearsmlc]

Just a quick notation I'd make to future communications on SOME of these issues....a firm clearer stance....

I hope so, dbmod...I hope so. Because I'm really pissed today with her.

UPDATE 6:15pm
She texts me from her work to tell me she'll be running late. Then she arrives to pick our son up, and I update her t-------
W: Come here?
M: Yes, around this neighborhood.
W: Well actually, I already have plans to take E with me to my friend's and do trick-or-treating with Jack (their 3 year old).

(At this point I was honestly flabbergasted that she didn't talk about this with me).

M: What?... I would like E to enjoy Halloween with me too, you know.
W: Isn't the church doing anything on Sunday night?

INSERT: W, YOU can feel free to take him there yourself...


(I'm now double-flabbergasted at her plain presumptuous attitude).

M: No. They're not. They canceled it this year.
W: Well, I'm sure people will be giving out candy at 5pm here.


OR YOU can find out if they;re doing it at that time where YOU live....

W, I don't want the presumptions on holidays to be that I will accommodate your schedule. That's not how people work things out, that's just me jumping thru hoops forever.

I can't and won't do that anymore. From now on, we must work things out as equals.


(OMG, what the crap?!?)

M: Okaaay then.

(I just looked away from her and focused on our son, said goodbye to him and closed his door).

Five minutes later, I've had enough and decided to text her the following:

"For future events involving E, can you remember to involve [color:#FF0000]ME his father in the decision making before jumping the gun?"

In case that ^^^ isn't clear, avoid asking rhetorical questions.

Just state your needs in a way that is fair and calm, of course. Show cooperation by conceding what you will do to achieve parity with her.

Meaning, you'd "gladly exchange 'X' for 'Y', but I must insist on..."

[/color]
I doubt she'll respond to that, but by not responding, it could be another thing that counts against her in a court case.

Document what you can. Including things like her making the plans without contacting you before. "W, as I said before, WE need to discuss and resolve these matters together. This is the ?th time you have not involved me in parental decisions."

Alamo, you may have to tell her "Firmer" things after that if she still carries on...like "W, if you shut me out of another parental decision, I will be forced to take legal action to vigorously protect my rights as a father."

You are being clear, not sarcastic or rhetorical. You are in effect, incorporating her past misdeeds in the message and stressing "joint parental" decisions. Your warning is a LEGAL one, not a weirdo threat. It's reasonable, Alamo.

Given the givens, it's more than reasonable.




Tonight I've become more motivated to finish the financial disclosure forms and get my case moving along. It's not out of revenge, mind you. It's the knowledge that she flagrantly assumes/presumes that she will be taking our son away from me to the East Coast, that she thinks she has this case in the bag.

Sorry folks, but...arrggghh!!

I get it!
Alamo, I've long thought the only way YOUR w could see the light, is if she gets
total freedom....and then it's not so great. I hope you get primary custody and in fact, am not sure why you wouldn't....right?

Do not ever lose sight of how your actions COULD be viewed by you son later.
Years from now, You will be able to tell him that YOU fought for him. It was not money or jealousy that you were fighting about, but time with him.

You love him so much that you want to be there as much as possible for him.

Alamo, what's your L saying to you? I think you are in the driver's seat on SOME of this...

[alamo76]

Just a quick notation I'd make to future communications on SOME of these issues....a firm clearer stance....

I hope so, dbmod...I hope so. Because I'm really pissed today with her.

UPDATE 6:15pm
She texts me from her work to tell me she'll be running late. Then she arrives to pick our son up, and I update her t-------
W: Come here?
M: Yes, around this neighborhood.
W: Well actually, I already have plans to take E with me to my friend's and do trick-or-treating with Jack (their 3 year old).

(At this point I was honestly flabbergasted that she didn't talk about this with me).

M: What?... I would like E to enjoy Halloween with me too, you know.
W: Isn't the church doing anything on Sunday night?

INSERT: W, YOU can feel free to take him there yourself...


(I'm now double-flabbergasted at her plain presumptuous attitude).

M: No. They're not. They canceled it this year.
W: Well, I'm sure people will be giving out candy at 5pm here.


OR YOU can find out if they;re doing it at that time where YOU live....

W, I don't want the presumptions on holidays to be that I will accommodate your schedule. That's not how people work things out, that's just me jumping thru hoops forever.

I can't and won't do that anymore. From now on, we must work things out as equals.


(OMG, what the crap?!?)

M: Okaaay then.

(I just looked away from her and focused on our son, said goodbye to him and closed his door).

Five minutes later, I've had enough and decided to text her the following:

"For future events involving E, can you remember to involve [color:#FF0000]ME his father in the decision making before jumping the gun?"

In case that ^^^ isn't clear, avoid asking rhetorical questions.

Just state your needs in a way that is fair and calm, of course. Show cooperation by conceding what you will do to achieve parity with her.

Meaning, you'd "gladly exchange 'X' for 'Y', but I must insist on..."

[/color]
I doubt she'll respond to that, but by not responding, it could be another thing that counts against her in a court case.

Document what you can. Including things like her making the plans without contacting you before. "W, as I said before, WE need to discuss and resolve these matters together. This is the ?th time you have not involved me in parental decisions."

Alamo, you may have to tell her "Firmer" things after that if she still carries on...like "W, if you shut me out of another parental decision, I will be forced to take legal action to vigorously protect my rights as a father."

You are being clear, not sarcastic or rhetorical. You are in effect, incorporating her past misdeeds in the message and stressing "joint parental" decisions. Your warning is a LEGAL one, not a weirdo threat. It's reasonable, Alamo.

Given the givens, it's more than reasonable.




Tonight I've become more motivated to finish the financial disclosure forms and get my case moving along. It's not out of revenge, mind you. It's the knowledge that she flagrantly assumes/presumes that she will be taking our son away from me to the East Coast, that she thinks she has this case in the bag.

Sorry folks, but...arrggghh!!

I get it!
Alamo, I've long thought the only way YOUR w could see the light, is if she gets
total freedom....and then it's not so great. I hope you get primary custody and in fact, am not sure why you wouldn't....right?

Do not ever lose sight of how your actions COULD be viewed by you son later.
Years from now, You will be able to tell him that YOU fought for him. It was not money or jealousy that you were fighting about, but time with him.

You love him so much that you want to be there as much as possible for him.

Alamo, what's your L saying to you? I think you are in the driver's seat on SOME of this...

Jon, I just hope things turn out for the better, marriage-wise, for ALL of us.

25, my lawyer is asking me to pursue the divorce first...to beat my wife to the punch, at least. That way, according to her, I can lay down some precedence over my request for a more balanced parenting schedule with our son. If I don't, my lawyer fears that if my wife pursues first and throws in the child porn accusation, I could get in a bind. As of right now, I've been procrastinating on the financial disclosure paperwork, but it shall resume in earnest.

I made another blunder yesterday evening. My wife pulls up in front of the garage (as usual) to pick up our son, but this time I see her rummaging through the garage for some of our son's old baby clothes. When she sees me, she said it's for Jacob (a baby of her BFF) and continues her dig.

While I don't mind giving/donating these boxes of clothes away, it was the way my wife went about her business -- ignoring the fact that our son was trying to get into HER car, pulling things out from the shelves, grabbing a step stool to access boxes on the top shelf and just tossing them into her car. After she was done, she didn't bother to put the stuff she didn't need back where they belong (a couple of items, but still).

The pathetic thing is, I just stood there and ignored it all. I'm not better than before at confrontations. So yesterday was a bummer. Not to mention that she didn't have the mind to help our son celebrate my birthday (she usually sends a card with him or something simple).

[alamo76]

UPDATE 6pm
After the events of my previous post, i.e. my wife grabbing boxes of our son's old clothes from my garage to give to her friend, tonight she handed me a bag of "my" stuff that were in some of the boxes. I find it petty and insulting that she returned a newborn outfit that my parents gave our son, among other things.

More petty is she said this as she handed me the bag: "Here's your stuff. I don't hold on to things that belong to you." Basically she's implying that I still have a lot of her stuff and wonders why I'm unhappy when she barges in to take them. Well...

a. First, she left this family, this marriage. Whatever she didn't take when she moved out stays with THIS home.

b. Second, she has a hard time understanding that manners and social grace counts. She has never asked or discussed, she just tells me and takes what she needs. This also includes matters pertaining to our son.

I'm having a lousy day.

At least I managed to help our son pick a photo to make a photo card for her birthday today. We printed it, and wrote his name. It was precious.

[2thepoint]

Take a deep breath, Alamo! Not much else you can do at the moment.

Without being totally up on your sitch, I thought you might appreciate a little story I have toi share that may prove helpful to you...

I have a friend who's wife walked out on their marrige about 4 years ago. She moved to another state and took the child with her. She took my friend to the cleaners in the D and thought she'd be oh, so happy in her new life. Well, her new life is crap! My friend is doing well and has the wherewithall to be able to see his son several times each year (has him for the enitre summer and part of the winter).

Anyway, the two of them (friend and his X) haven't really gotten along well since the D. She is always snippy, has an attitude and feels entitled, etc. Of course my friend reacts to these provocations and so you can imagine what their interactions are like.

So one day, several yers after the D, he decides to attend DivorceCare. I thought it was a little odd since they had already been divorced for several years but who am I to judge. When they got to the week that covers Forgiveness, he had an epiphany! He realized that he had never really forgiven his W and the anger and bitterness had been eating away at him for a long time.

After that session he resigned himself to forgive her for her actions and try to work towards a better relationship with his X. One day when he was visiting his son at his W's house, he said hello and shook his W's hand.

You would have thought by her reaction that he had just handed hr a million bucks! That simple act of courtesy has undone years of animosity that had been festering between them. That simple courageous act has put them both on a path to a better relationship and they are much better parents as a result.

I know it seems crazy that a simple gesture like shaking a persons ahnd can have sch a miraculous effect, but it isn't and it did! I hope you can make use of it.

All the best!

[workinghardguy]

You're pretty angry Alamo, that's fairly clear. And I guarantee that anger is spilling out and over. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be hurt or to be angry... you absolutely do, we all do. But in the end what will it get you?

Righteous with high-blood pressure, coronary disease, and stress related illness is not a winning scenario. 2TP is dead on about forgiveness. Work on finding a way to forgive her for her trespasses.

First, she left this family, this marriage. Whatever she didn't take when she moved out stays with THIS home

We're all fairly honest and straight up on this board with each other so I'm going to just say that your quote there is petty and mean. She left her toys behind so you're going to keep them? Really? What will you do with her stuff? Do you really want it around anyway?

Don't make this about winning and victory which is what that phrase above is all about. You're only going to poison yourself with the revenge. I know you're angry and hurt and want to lash out, but find a better way.

I am angry with my W. But I also have to keep working on forgiving her each day. She feels the need to do this for whatever reason. And while I don't agree with it or feel it is right, she does. And I forgive her for the pain she is causing. I'm sorry she feels the need to do this and I wish I could help her so she didn't need to. But since I can't I can only hope that she finds what it is she feels she is missing or needs.

And if that sounds weak... well, I believe it's the strongest thing in the world to forgive the person who is hurting you. It takes a strength of character and an abundance of love to go there. But I also realize I don't have a choice. I can be angry all day at her, but it doesn't affect her one bit - it affects me and the kids.

[2thepoint]

...what WHG said ^^^^^^^^^^ !!!!!

[jon2911]

WHG,
Amazing post. I've been following your thread and learning a lot from it. Would appreciate you dropping by mine as well. Thanks!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2150119&page=10