Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Starsky309]

You and I are in the same boat. Cake and eat it too. At some point, we both have to slam the door shut to wake them up. It's the hardest thing to do. Probably one of the hardest in your life. But it does work.

Then why are you scratching his back, and pretending like nothing is wrong with that he's doing to you?


Starsky

[MynameisMZ]

Yeah!..."He also doesn't think marriage should be work if the two people are right for each other." LOL... sorry....but wait til she has to (or imagine this and add your own) she has to put winter tires on the car, shop for dinner, come home to the kids, make dinner, see how dirty the toilet is, look at the dishes that need to be done, laundry piling up, did the electric bill get paid?, did one of you get a hold of the plumber?, see his dirty socks on the coffee table ..............his f@+t$ in bed, how he gags himself in the AM with his toothbrush......you know, the real life stuff!

As my H and I were on the mend we were in our garage doing recycling. I commented on how mundane it must seem and he said these are the things he enjoys with me, the things that make things matter.

[MynameisMZ]

Do you know that R from an A have a 4% chance of working out? If that 4% marries, only 50% last.

[Nblost]

Thanks MZ..yes, I have read stats like that too. I've also read that if a H doesn't leave within 3 months of the affair starting...they usually don't leave. It has been "refreshing" at times to read things geared towards the OW about how stupid they are to be in relationships to married men and how the men never leave their wives. (But, hard to know...)

I also agree that the reality will settle in for them eventually...just right now, they are in such a dreamworld with no kids, etc. And, they both have plenty of money to do fun things. (OW is the daughter of a CEO of a large company and she is separated from a husband whose family founded another large company...so, she is used to $$$ and lives in a multi-million dollar house). So, my H isn't faced with the same financial realities of hooking up with her that so many H's are.

On the other hand, my H comes from a typical family and deep down, I don't think would want a "high society" lifestyle. Although, at this point, I'm sure they could convince themselves that they are perfectly in synch. Also, H and I have had similar, successful careers...I have always thought he liked that...but maybe now he is attracted to someone like OW who has more outside interests, free time, etc.

H was affectionate with me again last night and very "into" me when we went to bed. I told him I was sorry about our marriage and how he felt rejected by me (we were in a SSM based on how much he wanted sex (every day) versus me). He told me that he was also to blame and he has a lot to be sorry for. I felt like that exchange cleared the air a bit from the day before.

Has anyone else read the book, When Good People Have Affairs? I found it interesting in that it tries to help the person in the affair decide whether to stay or go from the marriage. It talks about how being in limboland (like my H is) is a bad place because he is at risk of losing both people. To me, the book seems to point towards working on the marriage unless you just know in your heart that you've found the right person and your marriage is fatally flawed. I think the challenge for my H is that he's in a very new relationship with someone who I'm sure is actually not really a bad person...so, he would need to be able to project forward and imagine them in a realistic setting. I'm just not sure my H can do that given his lack of understanding of the realities of relationships. My IC believes he would have a lot of challenges starting a real relationship with OW given the distance thing (I do not intend to move to her city although we lived there until 2 years ago), they both have three kids, and he's starting from an affair and I'm sure he has told her a few lies like he's told me (or, at least lies of omission).

I told one of my friends today...it's like a crazy psychology experiment...I just wish I wasn't in the middle of it. I do think questioning him about the A was a mistake...it just makes him have to justify it...and that means he has to criticize our marriage. (he can't tell me he's going on vacation with OW and then in the next sentence say he believes our marriage could have a chance...he'd look like the scoundrel that he is!) I still believe that deep down, he is unsure and I do think he will have a hard time actually separating from me and the kids.

I'm also trying to see if H will do a vacation between Christmas and New Years...I think the kids and I deserve it. We'll see...I have a feeling he's a bit queasy about OW seeing signs of our family continuing to do things together.

[MynameisMZ]

Ya know NB? I really do believe that ANYTHING started in deception cannot last.

[Abbey]

Yup deception. Especially when the deception is them burning both ends of the candle. The Cake Eater types, that some of us have - the confusion of really where they want to be, or don't really know.

They're essentially having "affairs" on both us... and the other woman. Juggling that (my H told me when we got back together in 2009) KILLED him. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep it together.

They DO burn out.

[Nblost]

Talked more with H last night. He doesn't know what he wants. He won't tell me what he really likes about OW (he thinks it would hurt me too much) but says there are things about me that she doesn't have. That is probably a huge admission from him...I should recognize that as progress.

He said he is having a hard time and said he didn't ever think he would be in this situation. I told him about some of my reading and how these things do happen to a lot of people.

I asked him how the next year would play out if he could control things...he doesn't know. I asked another way and he said again, he doesn't know. He doesn't blame me for telling him that he needs to move out.

He said he would read a book if I want him to or he could talk to our counselor. I may try to see if he will go to MC but that will be a challenge with his work schedule.

He has also noticed I am trying to make changes in myself, but he knows it is hard for me given the A and how he is gone all of the time so I have the kids.

He drove to the airport for his flight and called me on the way and we talked about about 30 minutes...mostly me talking about "small talk" but seemed positive he was willing to listen. I think when he hung up, he said a quick "love you" in his goodbye...but I haven't heard it for so long that I may have hallucinated it.

Anyway, interesting...I think I need to continue the mix of LRT (giving him space) and GAL.. I wish I knew more about what he likes about OW...I asked what he likes about himself when he is with her and he said he didn't know.

It seems obvious to me that if you are truly conflicted in this situation...you should make an effort to at least try to save the marriage and our family.

Hopefully some pressure is building on him to make a decision. I think time is my friend although I am worried about their little vacation on December 9. He has been warming up to me over the last couple months...so hopefully that can continue.

Let me know if anyone has advice.

[Starsky309]

Let me know if anyone has advice.

Yes. Generally, MWD advises "no R (relationship) talks!" at this stage. I see you not only continuing to have them, but even INITIATING them, and that's a DB'ing no-no.

Also, your husband not wanting to talk about what he likes in his affair partner is actually a form of RESPECT and LOVE, for you, and I'm glad at least ONE of you is being wise about that. You simply don't need to hear that -- it's not healthy.


Starsky

[Abbey]

I wish I knew more about what he likes about OW...I asked what he likes about himself when he is with her and he said he didn't know.

Don't even go there, because you will get an answer that is tainted by very rose colored glasses. What she has or doesn't have doesn't matter. (I got she'll never be you etc, fwiw).

Remember that this rollercoaster ride is about him. Has very little to do with you what so ever.

The fact that you're getting some interaction by him tells you one thing: You're ok just the way you are. He's having baby step intimacy talks with you. Just let him ride this out. And even if they go on vacation. Nothing like a good vacation to screw up a relationship. THIS thing is dying for him. Let it. Don't try to drive it.

[Nblost]

I think you are right. Just hard to be patient and put up with this. I think he also knows he has a looming issue that I've told him I don't want to live like this past the holidays.

I have a call in to our MC. I may see if I can get a session set up with H for next week. I think whether he goes alone or we go together...it could be very helpful for him to talk to a third party. He's only told one of his friends about the A and that friend doesn't strike me as the most insightful person about relationships.

H talked to our MC about 2.5 months ago and was confused about the A and the marriage--I guess my hope is that he's now seen more from me to improve his view of the M...but I know there's also a risk the A has improved.

I'll see what the MC says.