Oh... I've been exactly where you are and am pretty much there again. You wonder if you're being played. You wonder if you should just grow some and dump his dumb rear. You view him as weak. You have feelings of: Do I really want this person anymore? etc etc etc.
Yep, yep, and yep.
It's your sanity making you stronger. It survival technique that we inherently will do to cope.
You're on a roller coaster that you'll feel that way one minute and then want to cling the next. Go with it, it helps you get the distancing and detaching that you require.
FWIW, I worried intently the first time if my detaching would just KILL my love for him. I fretted over that, and wrestled with the whole detaching thing as a result. Honestly... the sooner you can find a way to detach, the saner your life will become.
Detaching MAY,... and I do stress MAY cut your feelings for him once and for all. But honestly,... the heart wants what the heart wants. And to be honest, when you think about the amount of people who HAVE come back to spouses ... who at one time would have rather eaten their left arm than go back... your feelings for one another can regenerate. HOPEFULLY once both of you are willing to do the work.
That's the mistake I made, he didn't do his side of the work... and as such, what he's doing he thinks is perfectly OK to do to another person. Not just to me, but to the OW too.
Think of it this way... your H IS reaching to get closer to you in little bits. HE's doing THAT to the other woman. When you get the idea that they're just THAT much like a spoiled 5 year old who wants ALL their toys and all their wants, and everything to go just their way... you really start to appreciate what you're dealing with.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
H got home and I realized I was feeling a tad TOO detached. He met me at a school event for D4 and I felt very unconnected to him. I do think it's good but makes me feel less friendly than before. I did act positive overall and I have a very cute outfit on. The only issue we had was when we went out for frozen yogurt afterwards, H showed me a picture on his phone (of his work) and when I tried to touch the phone so I could see the picture better, he tightened his grip on it. I said, "I'm not trying to look at your phone", and he swore under his breath.
We both recovered a couple minutes later. I shouldn't have said anything, but also didn't feel bad because his psycho-ness around his phone is his own making. Last weekend, he was on his phone and D8 started quietly singing a little song, "secrets, secrets, daddy has secrets"...kids definitely do observe things!
I will hopefully be going out tonight for a couple drinks with a friend.
This situation is so hard...H acts normal for the most part, but we have this crazy undercurrent of his affair. I guess I'm thankful he is being nice and is coming home...but it is just so weird/hard. Once again, if only I knew more about what was going on in his crazy head.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
H got home and I realized I was feeling a tad TOO detached. He met me at a school event for D4 and I felt very unconnected to him. I do think it's good but makes me feel less friendly than before.
Hmmmm. Maybe this is your gut instincts, telling you you SHOULD be less friendly than before!
The lies, deception and just general crazy-making that your H does... DOES make you detach. It's a safety mechanism. Uhm, it'll come and go for you. One minute, you feel like you'd rather just walk away, the next, you feel clingy.
Their crazy head (and what's inside it) isn't something you want to know, I don't think. Mine said things to me yesterday during a pretty wild fight, that shows he's lost certain grips of reality. Affair people DO.
They view themselves as victims, they hone their narcissistic traits down to a fine shiny point. They justify their actions as necessary. (Esp the lies and hiding the truth etc.)
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
I've been reading your sitch. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Seems to me that you are doing all the right things and your head is on straight. Well....as straight as it can be, I know. I know how crazy-making this all is. You have a good friend in Abbey here. No 2 X 4 and allowed to vent your feelings. We all need that so that we don't break dishes!
I agree with Abbey, they ARE abducted by aliens!
MZ
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
I have a H who travels too, and I wonder what he is doing when he's away (this has been going on for a loooong time). So, I know how you feel. Just wanted to empathise ... don't have better advice than what you're getting.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
This whole roller coaster ride feels like your life has been turned into the bloody Jerry Springer show. One minute you want to run for the hills, the next minute you want to cling so tight it hurts.
Don't snoop, assume they are... and get used to it. You have to make peace with that... and then it's much easier to actually get to the next step of: This too shall pass. Most affairs die out on their own. Getting us to the stage where we don't need enough anti-d's to light up a Christmas tree, just to stay sane...is NOT easy. Hang in there. There are big steps, forward, little steps forward, big slides back and little hurts and slides back.
Abbey
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Quick update...Thanksgiving went okay. H and his parents were there and we acted like we were a happy couple and happy family. That night, H woke me up in the middle of the night saying "I want you" and we had one of our romantic interludes. He then held me the rest of the night and was "nice" on Friday too.
However, late Friday night, we were in the hot tub and H started teasing me about making plans for tonight. I had had a few glasses of wine and I said I didn't appreciate his teasing. I can't make last minute plans very easily because I am not dating like him...going out for dinner...having sleepovers...no kids, etc. I walked away. H then acted nonchalant a few minutes later and I said it really bothered me how he doesn't feel bad about his affair. He basically just went upstairs to our D8's bed (she was having nightmares) and slept there. On his way up, I said, "I'm glad you are taking care of the kids for once"
This morning, I felt bad and went up to D8's bed and H gave me a hug. I said I was sorry and he said I don't have to be sorry for anything. I said I had too much wine and shouldn't have vented at him.
At this point, you'd all probably say, "no worries Nblost, we all slip up sometimes". No, I continued today after we went on a run together. I asked if I should just assume his A is continuing as usual. H said it was. He really likes the OW. He said they don't talk about the future, but he really likes her. As we talked, he said he just feels like we are too different and it's too late. He also doesn't think marriage should be work if the two people are right for each other. Somehow, we then got into his plans for December and I asked if he and OW had any vacations planned. They do. He didn't want to tell me where, but they are going away for the weekend on December 9.
I told him that it seems like he is really happy and I love him enough to let him go. I want him to be happy. I said we should plan to separate after the holidays. He agreed.
I then broke down a few minutes later and told him that I still loved him and this all hurts a lot. I'm willing to listen about his vacation, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me. He then said, "I love you too" and gave me a hug.
He was probably just saying that. We'll have through tomorrow together as a family then he goes back to MN.
I am tempted to talk to him a little more tonight...in a way, I don't feel like I have much to lose. He still isn't saying he wants a separation or divorce, but I will be comfortable separating given how he is treating me.
This is all painful...and H says it is hard for him too. But, he isn't showing me any real signs of that.
I know I varied from the LRT, but I hadn't had any R talk with him in about 3 weeks and I think I was starting to get my hopes up. Now, I know he's still very into OW. She is clearly his priority.
I am getting back to a better mindset again, just talked to a friend and am venting here.
M: 12 H: 45, Me: 43 D10, D8, D4 Affair started 8/11 H still in house
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
However, late Friday night, we were in the hot tub and H started teasing me about making plans for tonight. I had had a few glasses of wine and I said I didn't appreciate his teasing. I can't make last minute plans very easily because I am not dating like him...going out for dinner...having sleepovers...no kids, etc. I walked away. H then acted nonchalant a few minutes later and I said it really bothered me how he doesn't feel bad about his affair. He basically just went upstairs to our D8's bed (she was having nightmares) and slept there. On his way up, I said, "I'm glad you are taking care of the kids for once"
This morning, I felt bad and went up to D8's bed and H gave me a hug. I said I was sorry and he said I don't have to be sorry for anything. I said I had too much wine and shouldn't have vented at him.
At this point, you'd all probably say, "no worries Nblost, we all slip up sometimes". No, I continued today after we went on a run together. I asked if I should just assume his A is continuing as usual. H said it was. He really likes the OW. He said they don't talk about the future, but he really likes her.
Blccccch.
Why do you let him talk this way in front of you? This is incredibly disrespectful to you, to your marriage, and to your family.
You and I are in the same boat. Cake and eat it too. At some point, we both have to slam the door shut to wake them up. It's the hardest thing to do. Probably one of the hardest in your life. But it does work.
You realize you're having an affair with your own husband right? And that DOES work, if you know how to shut the door and then he misses you.
Your comment about your H's words: He also doesn't think marriage should be work if the two people are right for each other.
It's so typical with these loons. They'd rather just reach for the low hanging fruit on the affair tree, and eat for the day, than water and nurture a whole tree (the marriage). Walk away men in particular seem to assume that lust and wild sex should just always be there without any nurturing from themselves. They mistake infatuation for love. *growl* Life is work. Marriage is work. Raising kids is work. Loving another person IS WORK.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
