Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Abbey, thanks!

I will pretend the OW is dead!!! Happiest thought of my day!

:-)

[Abbey]

BTW... fantasizing that she is dead... or gets dead in the most brutal ways possible is all PERFECTLY normal. A bus hitting her, tire blow out, random hunter shooting her whiles she's driving in the country, piano falling on her head, poisoned fish at the local ethnic resto. I think you get the idea

[Nblost]

Abbey, I've read your situation and I feel for you. Let's hope for a head-on collision involving both OW!!!

[Accuray]

You've got a lot going on Nblost, I feel for you, I can't imagine how intensely painful this has been. Wish I could help more but you seem to be in great hands. Sometimes it can feel better to dispense some words of wisdom. You reference SSM issues historically, if you've got some time and want to chime in I'd love your advice here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2197555&page=1

Accuray

[Nblost]

Somewhat of an update:
H is gone again as of early Friday. He called last night and we talked for a half hour. He was talking about potential reconciliation and I told him I would like to try...but ultimately, he needs to make his own decisions. He commented about how work is the only thing he feels like is going well right now, and he doesn't even really feel like work is going that well. He told me that we should talk more next weekend.

I felt like I did a good job staying with the DB principles. I was calm and acted interested in talking, but yet somewhat detached. I told him I know he needs time to work through things.

I did tell him a couple things from 5 LLs about how his job has been hard for me (and our current situation even harder) because one of the things I have learned I need from him is more quality time. I told him I think we each have different ways of feeling loved. I also told him that I think I'm more ready to listen about why he had his affair and how he feels. I acknowledged that I haven't been as good of a listener as I could have been through this. He then said I've been really good through this whole thing. He said he can't believe how well I am doing.

He said this is very hard on him. I said it's been just as hard or harder on me and he agreed.

He had dinner with a coworker last night and was at a hotel. He called and texted us several times later that night so I believe him.

Not sure what is happening with OW but I didn't ask him any questions. He may be seeing her tonight, who knows.

He will be back for Thanksgiving weekend. I also acted nonchalant about that and told him that if he needs to be away or work...I could just take the kids to do something fun. We will be at my parents for Thanksgiving day and he seems committed to that.

Is the fog lifting a bit? I hope so, but also know not to get my hopes up too high or have false hope.

He isn't saying his affair is over either although I hope his work craziness and coming home is at least somewhat annoying to OW.

[Nblost]

I am having another hard day. I was supposed to go out tonight with a friend but my babysitter fell through and I couldn't find another one on short notice. H did hear I was supposed to go out, so I guess that's good. He'll hopefully watch the kids on Wednesday and I'll try again.

H is in OW's city and my vibe says he was with her last night. After our somewhat good conversation on Friday, he was silent yesterday and is less warm today. He did tell me tonight that he was sorry that I didn't get to go out with my friend...but, it was hard for me to listen to him knowing he's been traveling 90% of the time and coming and going as he pleases and dating OW. (I have found evidence that they usually go out for $200 dinners together) He was in a restaurant when I talked to him. (He was alone...if he was with OW, he would have gone "dark")

The kids and I made pumpkin muffins for some neighbors tonight and the kids delivered them. (kind of a GAL) My D8 called H to let him know about it. He was then in the hotel workout room pumping iron. He asked to talk to me and we had a light conversation for the most part. However, then we got into our travel schedules for December and it sounds like he will be gone a lot again. I told him we needed to talk about his travel especially if he is going to continue to be gone all the time on the weekends. I know the way it came out sounded a little bitter from me. (but not as sad/bitter as I actually feel) But, honestly, being left alone with three kids for most of the past 3-4 weekends is getting old. (and I don't get any breaks during the week)

I just really waver between trying to DB and feeling like a complete doormat. He comes and goes as he pleases and meanwhile, I am here working full-time, taking care of the kids, and pretending to be happy around most of our friends/family. I know many of you on this board have been through this or worse...so I am just venting. I think I am more just mad about the unfairness of the situation...I would never do this to our family...but if wed both had chosen to have affairs and flip out...what would happen to the kids?

I am talking to a telephone coach tomorrow. I plan to talk to her about the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend and next steps. H was telling me last Friday he wants to talk and I want to be prepared with an approach. I think I need to primarily listen to him but I am scared that depending on where the conversation goes...that will be hard for me.

I feel like my anxiety and pain have gotten a little better recently, but it all just ebbs and flows.

I NEED to get into a more positive mindset by the time he comes home on Wednesday.

(The good news is, our kids ask him when he is coming home every single time they talk to him...they do a pretty good job putting somewhat of a guilt trip on him...although not sure how well it penetrates his fog)

Like I said, I just needed to vent my bitterness here versus at my cheating H! (I know I keep reading about people who are angry and bitter like me and how they break plates against walls instead of screaming at their Hs...they must not have three kids around! Not exactly feasible to throw dishes around!)

[Abbey]

NB, you're doing great. You're at the place where my H and I were back in 2009. Take this slow, think of feeding your husband as you would try to feed a wild bird. Hold your hand out with birdseed in it but don't approach too quickly. Show interest, but don't overwhelm. Entice without scaring.

The feeling good about DBing and then feeling like a doormat IS extremely normal. It does feel like that at times. Thats why you need to really do the work on you. Once you feel you're doing that for yourself, then when you do inch into the relationship type convos,... let him initiate, be supportive and your relationship stuff needs to be like trying to feed a wild bird. You can affirm interest without being needy.

Keep it up!

[Nblost]

Thanks Abbey. The telephone coach (Laurie) worked with me on having some small goals around my H continuing to re-engage slowly with the family. I need to do what I can over Thanksgiving to make things fun and welcoming. The challenge for me is that I think H may need to work quite a bit, so don't want to get my hopes up that we'll have too much time together. Honestly though, I think too much time together would be risky in a way. Also, if we talk, I will try to listen and I will leave the conversation if it gets too emotional or goes on to long and doesn't seem helpful.

I also have some dread over Thanksgiving because we are spending it with both sets of our parents (both couples married 45+ years) and our kids. No one knows anything is wrong so I will need to put on a brave face. My issue is that I don't usually have a great time with our parents. We both have fairly quiet/conservative families and it just isn't that "fun" on holidays. It'd be much more fun to have one of our siblings around or some friends our age. But, maybe my 180 will be to be more engaged with our parents and try to be more talkative with them. Just some added pressure because H also doesn't think our parents are "that fun" and I will be worried he'll be wishing he was with OW.

Also, H's mom has early Alzheimers. It is sad because she used to be very talkative and now is quiet. Part of me thinks it should be very guilt-inducing for H to be around his parents (his 82 year old dad is dealing alone with his mom because H is never around and I am not willing to jump in given our relationship sitch). H seems so selfish by comparison (needs an A to make his life more "intimate" and fun while his dad deals with his mom). Not saying I don't own my role in this...but I know his dad believes I have always been a fabulous wife for H. But, not sure much can get through to H these days.

H was "nice" yesterday, silent again today, comes home tomorrow morning. My suspicion is that he was with OW tonight. I am trying to act "as if" but it's hard because my suspicions of his A turned out to be very right. He's not very hard to read (which could be good longer-term if we reconcile)

Anyhow, trying to be thankful for what I do have in life!!

[Abbey]

As hard as this is, just assume that he IS with the OW. Make it a given. Once you let go of that, things actually are easier. Letting go doesn't come easy. It's a repeated behavior until you get it.

[Nblost]

Yeah, that is pretty much what I am doing. I assume he is with her very night he is gone so I don't snoop or wonder. I even told him that at one point because he had been silent about the A and I wanted him to know that I wasn't a fool.

H texted me several times this morning as he got on the plane. His dad isn't feeling well so his parents may not make it for Thanksgiving. I was still in bed and didn't respond. He told me to send him an email on the plane if I wanted to talk. I don't plan to do that.

I feel like I'm in a very wavering place. I've basically told him he needs to move out of the house if he is going to continue the A, but he hasn't. I'm kind of doing the LRT, but he's been open to some talking and he hasn't said clearly that he wants a D...so I waver on that. I also want to be positive, nice and try to talk to him in his LLs, but I waver because I don't want to be overly nice and enable him to keep eating his cake.

I guess the piece I am missing is what is happening with OW. If I had a better sense for that, I would have a clearer idea if I should hold on or if I'm being played. There is part of me that is tempted to send her a note (I won't) which basically says that if she is in it with him for the long haul...she can have him. I'm tired of the lies, his inability to make a decision or move out, etc. It's interesting that I really don't think my H is all that appealing of a guy right now...he might be feeding her the right set of lies to make her think otherwise...but he just seems like such an insecure, indecisive, weak person to me.

I still would be willing to try to work on our marriage, but I have been clear with him that I won't hold on for long. I've said this before, but for my H, the "threat" of his life unraveling and the exposure that would come with us separating could end up being what it takes for him to either recommit to me or for me to know he isn't coming back.

I will continue to take the high road for now though and keep positive!