Ugh...stressed, sad, still hanging on by a thread

[jbnati]

ROMB - great job on mentioning the snooping. Also, good job an recognizing it's something you shouldn't have done. Hopefully, you've learned your lesson.

I'm glad to hear about the positives, especially with your H initiating contact. I agree with IS - you're on the right track. Now, just be patient and persevere. Be prepared for future pull backs. Hopefully, the overall trend will be in the right direction - it appears it is.

Still keeping you in my prayers.

[realormakebeliev]

Thanks IS and JB,

I hear you on the separate accounts but there are a couple of reasons why I can't. First and foremost- no money. He still pays for the phone and I simply can not afford it. Second, I think he would view that as a huge negative, like I was trying to hide something. He has checked my phone records as recently as last week, so if I suddenly got a new plan it was cause a big stink.

Yesterday was a mixed bag. We were having a good time, and I could tell D was loving having her family together.

H was playing with D and I told him to hand me his phone and I would take a picture. Unfortunately, when I pulled up his phone he had his texts pulled up. Of course, now I know who all of the texts and late night calls were to. And I swear I wasn't even snooping, it was just right in my face. The one I saw is the one where he was thanking her for her 'advice' and asking her to dinner. I had to fight the urge to vomit.

I think after he handed me his phone it must have clicked in his brain what I was going to see because he started acting overly nice and strange after that. I played it off and didn't say anything, but my heart was pounding out of my chest.

After that we went to a movie, and during one of the slightly sappy songs (kid's movie) he started crying. And cried through most of the movie. Afterwards I asked him what was wrong, he said it just made him sad (meaning being with me under the circumstances). I tell you what, after what I saw, and then the downturn in the mood, I was kind of ticked.

This was a day I had planned with D to have a good time. I didn't invite him, he invited himself and then goes and ruins it. I don't know if that is selfish of me, but I was over it. I don't mean to sound cold about his being upset, but geez! Can't we have a good time without drama?

I need to post more later about some of what we talked about- hope you guys can give me some insight.

[jbnati]

H was playing with D and I told him to hand me his phone and I would take a picture. Unfortunately, when I pulled up his phone he had his texts pulled up. Of course, now I know who all of the texts and late night calls were to. And I swear I wasn't even snooping, it was just right in my face. The one I saw is the one where he was thanking her for her 'advice' and asking her to dinner. I had to fight the urge to vomit.

ROMB, I am so sorry! ((()))

I can't believe how you held it together. Probably if you had called him on it, who knows what you would've heard? The truth? Probably not.

He still appears to be very conflicted. Keep working on being the better option.

I don't think you sound at all cold for being ticked. Heck I would be, too. It didn't sound like you acted on being ticked - good for you! Lashing out would probably not get you any closer to your goal.

[ncl]

Wow, you did an AMAZING job of handling yourself! There were a few circumstances in the past few years when I caught my husband texting or emailing his ow (like you, without snooping), and I always erupted in anger. Guess what? That was never the right option, and I always regretted it later. You showed incredible self-control in not mentioning it at all. Like you said, I think he knows you know, so it will be interesting to see if he asks you anything about it. All I can say is just keep on doing what you're doing! You are incredible at keeping your cool!

I agree with JB; your husband seems very conflicted. It's so obvious to me that he is still emotionally attached to you and the life you represent: loving wife, sweet family, consistency, etc., yet he's a bit interested in what the "single life" has to offer him. I can tell you this...my husband was the same way, and he discovered after time on his own the grass was indeed greener at OUR home. I hope your husband does the same, before it's too late.

I hope you and your family have a happy, drama-free, BLESSED Thanksgiving!
love, lc4

[realormakebeliev]

Thanks JB and Ic4, I honestly do not know how I kept from losing it. I believe it was some sort of Divine intervention, because the 'old' me would have flipped. He has still not said anything about it, and I don't intend to. At this point, all I could expect would be an argument, and JB is right, I definitely wouldn't get the truth so what's the point? More hurt and aggravation?

I was going to post about some of the stuff we talked about, but I realized its just more of the same. Nothing really new to report. I am tired of hearing it, however. It feels good to stand up for myself and tell him to stop beating the dead horse. Enough already!

Ic4, I know you have a point with H's internal conflict- I think that's a big part of the problem right now. Does he want the 'family life' or the 'single life'? I also know I can't really help him with that decision. And I also know time is running out for him to make it- it took me a long time to get here, but I know I deserve better. I know I will be ok, no matter what. Its his loss.

Tonight at D's soccer he was actually very nice. He also kissed me good bye! That was a shocker, and while I enjoyed it I'm not expecting anything from it. We actually had a good laugh because D was in the back seat saying, 'stop kissing daddy on the lips! You gonna make him sick, Mama!'.

I love that sweet little girl soooo much...

[NLW]

ROMB,
Reading your post reminded me so much of my H.
He also cries at the drop of a hat in movies that we see now.

And yes, trying to separate the financials is something that my H cannot cope with at all.

I think it's down to internal conflict - he wants to go but doesn't want to leave us. I know it doesn't matter what's behind it all, but it does help to hear others' experiences of their H's.

I am mighty impressed by your composure in the face of those phone messages. I've been there, too, and know just how that heart-beating-out of your-chest feels when you make the discovery.

Good on you for not losing it. As lc4 mentions, it's not going to make anything better to blow-up about it. Arguing is a pointless activity that only makes our situations worse.

I'm glad to hear you saying that you are now at the point where you know you deserve better than this. That really is a major step forward in the process.

[jbnati]

I am mighty impressed by your composure in the face of those phone messages. I've been there, too, and know just how that heart-beating-out.

I am too. DB'ing with icewater in your veins! Very admirable.

I think it's a good sign that your H has that internal conflict between the "single life" and the "family life". I think my W still seems to be focused on the "single life".

Tonight at D's soccer he was actually very nice. He also kissed me good bye!

Just another case of his internal conflict. Hope you have your neck brace on, so you don't get whiplash from the push and pull.

You know I am still praying for you, too! ((()))

[realormakebeliev]

Thanks so much for stopping by NLW and JB, but I think the ice water running through my veins turned to mud...

Well, it seems like a life time since I've posted here. So much has happened. After D's soccer we had a really good interaction on Wednesday, and I finally found out his plans for Thanksgiving.

He was spending it with his family, and then going to his friend's house. Unfortunately, this friend's house is where I believe he is running into 'texting girl'. I know she was a friend of his BFFs. I did invite him to come by that day, but he didn't show.

I ended up being really sad on Tday. He called briefly and that was it.

The day after we had a terrible marathon talk. He started out being ticked off because he asked for a weekend with D, and I made the mistake of wanting to check the calendar first (?). Guess I'm not allowed to make plans now.

That set off a really long, completely draining talk. All the usual topics, I failed miserably at DBing, and he also through in there he wouldn't be spending Christmas with us at all. I'm afraid I lost it coming so close on the tail of a really sad Thanksgiving.

So, it was nothing new really, everything is still my fault, nothing has changed, he can't let go of his anger and resentment, blah blah blah. He asked me why I thought things would be different. I told him the only thing I could tell him honestly, was that I am different and that I made those changes for me. But I also told him, if nothing was different for him that it would never work. That's a true statement I think, right?

Anyway, he sent me a nasty text later and I didn't respond. Haven't heard from him since.

One bright spot, a sweet friend of mine planned a girl's weekend for when H will have D to cheer me up. What would we do without our friends??

[In_Shock]

I was watching for you (still no c phone...) and hoping ur thanksgiving went well. I'm sorry he's still being nasty. If u remember, W won't let go of the past with us either --- 6 years later. I think that it's their problem, not ours. We've tried to move on and make things work/right, and that holding on to old hurts is keeping them stuck as we try to get in a better place.

You are right--if nothing is different for HIM, it won't work. He has to realize his part in it, his problems, and his inability to let go and trust. I've failed quite often as you know, but I keep plugging. You and I are doing it mostly now for our kids.... We want an intact family so badly, both of us. BUT we have to make sure we keep those healthy changes and the boundaries. I have a real problem with boundaries!!

I'm sorry he also remarked on Christmas. That seems like a spur of the moment thing to hurt you. This time of year is difficult in normal times, but in these, as gunny's post is titled "Times that try men's souls" it takes a lot out of us. Especially those of us who are trying to keep our families.

I can honestly say I think of you daily. I've been slammed with work and school - (good in a way b/c I can't worry as much about W and all the bs) I haven't even checked the 'alternate universe' for over a week or more. About 150 papers to read, 3 books to read, and a lot of bureaucratic end of semester nonsense ---- and I again honestly say...I think of you and D EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'm still here--- after about December 11 or so when school ends --- I hope to have more time-- but then I'll just obsess about things...LOL. (JK I hope!)

I still think he's far from being done and is struggling madly with himself. Hang in there my good friend. Hang in there!!!!!!

[realormakebeliev]

Anyone remember me?

Its been forever since I posted, talked to a good friend of mine who made me think about all of the good people here. For anyone reading this, I pray for you all every day and have popped in and out to keep up with everyone.

Although its still a crazy roller coaster, my sitch is largely unchanged. We still have moments of good and bad, but no D filed to date. I think I am getting to a better place detachment-wise, but I still struggle with that from time to time. Trying to do a better job facing my fears.

The holidays were very difficult, although Christmas eve/day ended up being peaceful- H was out of town. Twice in December he told me he wanted to 'work on things'. This month, his tune has changed. He says he is committed to a D, but doesn't pursue it actively. Not sure why, or if there is some strategic advantage to waiting for a D? I've wondered if he was waiting for his latest tax return.

I would be interested in how many of us are dealing with WAS's with higher than normal narcissistic qualities. Its something I've always known about my H, but some reading I've been doing lately has me a little off balance. My H definitely has some of the more unsavory N traits- gaslighting, highly critical, blame-shifting. He has a very different public persona than private. If you believe what you read on N there is no 'fix'. In fact, everything you read says to run like He!!.

Anyone have a take on this?

I know with God all things are possible (thanks JB). It definitely adds to my fear, however...