I've also told you that he's still emotionally invested -- pushing buttons, etc..... DEFINITELY ---- Keep. Doing. What. You. Are. Doing. !!! YAY!
I'm exhausted from my own pile of u know what --- so I don't have any advice other than that. You know I'm thinking of you and am so inspired that so many of you -- you, jb, telemark, etc... have been able to keep things going so well.
(hope to txt soon)
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
First off, Say and AL, thank you so much for your kindness..
Now let me explain for the newbies why you should never, never snoop.
Yep, I did. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Checked the phone records, no idea what possessed me other than things took a strange turn day before yesterday and my antenna was up. So of course I found a bazillion texts and super late night phone calls. I did refrain from saying anything to H, but he definitely knew something was up. I deflected.
So the real reason you shouldn't snoop, is now I feel like crap. I did it to myself, have no one to blame but myself. Had a good cry yesterday, so now I can add a puffy face to my list of reasons why you shouldn't do it.
H is coming to get D today, and I am not looking forward to that either. I really don't want to see him right now. A friend of mine said I was self-sabotaging and she may be right. Its a subconscious thing, I believe, but why would I do that? I know better.
He did ask what our plans were on Sunday, I told him (I've got a full day planned) and he asked if he could join us for the movie. Not sure what to make of that but it is the first time he's asked to join us on any family venue in a couple of months. We'll see if he shows.
BTW, went to the divorce care class 'surviving the holidays'- did not like it. I found it very depressing, and I'm sure that's not the goal. Maybe it was just me...
Sorry you got a little off track and got hurt in the process. Do you know who he was texting/talking to? If not, or even if you do and it hurts you, try your best to focus on the good things right now...improved communication with H, him asking to join the family at the movies, etc. You really need to celebrate the baby steps (and they are great ones!) and not get mired down by what you found.
When my h came back to me, it was over a process of events happening...like the things that are happening for you and your h! I was pretty well detached once he started coming around again, and I looked at the situation with NO expectations and with the attitude of, "if the worst thing that happens is we get a divorce but can have a good co-parenting relationship, then that's pretty darn good!". I think he saw that in me, with total lack of pursuing, and that was very attractive to him.
I'm not saying this will happen for you as well, but I do see a lot of similarities in our sitches and see your h is still quite attached. So...take a deep breath, enjoy the time together as a family and keep working on that attitude of detachment.
Also, if you feel like you'll be tempted to snoop again, maybe you should separate accounts. We did when we first separated, and that was a huge relief for me.
Thanks Ic4, I am definitely not expecting anything despite the recent turn of events. I have no idea who he was talking/texting, but I do know that did me absolutely no good. Won't be doing that again.
It was really strange today when he came to get D. I am soooo glad I didn't say anything about my snooping. He was actually very nice, and told me about how someone from D's school contacted him about getting a family photo that was due. I knew about the photo, and I had mentioned it to H some time ago. I just didn't want to ask again after the down turn we've had over the last couple of months. How could I ask to pose for a family photo, ya know?
When he brought it up today, I asked him what he wanted to do. He said we should get one this weekend. I was floored. He could have opted to pose individually, but he asked to do one together. We took it when he came to pick up D. Then before he left, he gave me a big hug. I was really shocked, he has avoided me like the plague for the last month when we've seen each other. He also told me I looked really good (don't you know that was planned on my end, lol).
He had previously asked to join D and I for the movie we're going to tomorrow. Today, he also asked to come to lunch and the shopping we were planning before the movie.
I'm not getting too excited about any of the above, and like Ic4 said, at the very least improved communication would mean a better co-parenting situation. Going to get myself back on track and focus on having a nice holiday. Looking for a few new recipes to try so I can do something different this year!
Have to admit, I'm a little anxious about H dropping D off later. We'll see how it goes!
H dropping D off was pretty uneventful. He didn't stay at all and seemed in a hurry. No hugs.
Called him to see if he was still going to meet us today since he didn't mention it. He said yes, and seemed a little bummed. I asked him what was wrong and he said he was lonely. He had friends waiting at his house to watch the fights, so that explains his hurry. He actually asked me if I wanted to come over to watch the fights, although I really don't think he meant it.
I'm going to church in a few minutes, and then we'll meet H for lunch, some games, shopping and a movie. Hoping for a great day!
Thanks so much DG, I definitely have no expectations. I have learned that the hard way! He does seem to be in a different frame of mind, but I've also been here before with him.
I often think, what would I do if he asked to reconcile right now? I certainly wouldn't move right back home, not without some serious work and consideration.
It does feel great that he actually wants to spend time with me- its been a couple of months since anything like this has happened. I'm going to enjoy today, for today, and keep on keeping on.
Thanks for the support!! Hope you have a great day as well!
It is great that he is initiating spending time. You are on the right track -- i will say that again. PERFECT work in not saying anything about the snooping. The one time I snooped, I saw texts that made me want to poke my eyes out --- and I never mentioned it, but I never did it again!!!!
Getting sep. phone accounts -- very good idea-- but for some reason hard, at least for me. It seems kind of, I don't know... final? No ? That's why I'm STILL without a cell phone right now. My phone died --- and I am supposed to go start my own account separate from W's. I havent been able to make myself take that step this week..... I know it's the right thing to do, but....
Anyway, like DG says-- no expectations!! Roll with it. That seems to be what u are doing. As soon as I find the courage to get a new phone account, u will be first to know
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
