If they want to put in the hall of fame.. they need to let me fix my typos.
And as for Michelle.. well I'm sure she's has one fine editor. Small Journal - Been feeling really positive lately. Work has been good and I've been GALing the Sh!t out of life.
I'm feel like I'm at peace with the decision to actively stop feeling angry and hurt for all the pain w has caused. I find myself smiling more.
This however has created some new hurdles to conquer. The first being that I have been missing my wife. Seeing her in a good light makes me sad we are not together. It's been awhile since I have thought good things.. and with Christmas usually being our best time together.. i find tears creeping up on me. It doesn't help that Christmas music and decorations start earlier and earlier every year.
The 2nd hurdle is convincing my friends and family that I'm not falling into the same old Val. The one that put up with abuse in the hopes that w would one day be the woman I wanted her to be. One day I would get that relationship I finally wanted. They are afraid I am opening my heart up to be hurt again. They are afraid I am hoping that w and I will reconcile.
There is a part of me that is afraid too if I'm being honest with myself. I know that it's different this time as I'm not expecting her to be kind..but her and I did a similar dance in April and then again in July.. and both times I was left hurt.
I'm petrified of my wife continuing the nice treatment. It feels confusing and awkward for me. It brings up alot of fear in me.
I guess the reverse is true for her. Time + consistent changes = changes I can believe in.
Me is my 3rd hurdle
I know I'm way overthinking everything. I know I need to slow down and stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet.
I know I need to take it a day at a time. I guess I'm just anxious of her return and our next discussion about the cars.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, regarding your introductory post - viery, very nice! Newcomers should take heed. It's a great reminder for those of us still in the trenches with you, too. We need to stay the course!
Hey KD - Nice to see you on my thread. I'm doing pretty good for the most part. Wishing you the best too man!
@ Gabby - so right
@DG - Thanks Lady. Just need to keep my heart guarded.
Need to journal a bit to get these thoughts out of my head.
I've spent the last week consoling other friends - alot of the friends who have been my support in the past year - all in regards to their relationship. I have one Walk Away, one Left Behind, and one who is oddly enough.. starting to be "too tired to fight" anymore.
I am thankful that I can use my experiences to help them. I can see their anger and hear their words and remember a time when I felt as lost as they did.
I encourage them to sit in their feelings and not make decisions. To take the high road, and that even though they may not be feeling love from their "other", they need to continue to be loving.
Right now - that's not a popular concept. I understand. It's hard to love someone w/o expectation. It's hard to love them when they are showing that they aren't being loving back.
It's extremely difficult to see through the pain that "loving" not only benefits the other person.. but it benefits themselves.
I explain how I have no regrets and that is just soo freeing for me. It was the most loving gift I could give MYSELF. But I also explain that it's a constant choice and currently a constant struggle.
They get it in theory.. just hard to execute it at the moment.. so I spend most of my time listening.
However as much as I am glad to be there for them, this week has been particularly painful for me. Especially for the "too tired to fight" friend.
Those feelings of not feeling worthy, feeling like I couldn't be who I was, feeling scared when my wife came home, feeling scared to have friends, feeling like I would be punished from coming home late. That it didn't matter how much I cleaned, cooked, or took care of - it just wasn't enough. Those feelings have flown to the surface again.
It's hard not to tell friend to "get out". It's hard not to tell his g/f that her heart she should break that she has depleted the man she claims to love of his self worth.
But it is not my place.
I do not miss that part of my marriage. I do not miss that part of my w.
I still stick to everything I am saying. Forgiving her. Not punishing her.. but I realize that I am not out of the clear yet of dealing with how she negatively treated me.
I'm not out of the clear of asking myself "Why do I even want to be with her?"
Cause I clearly still do in alot of ways. I feel like I am stronger and know how to love better.. both her and myself. And I will never go back to being the scared, helpless person again.
... but being with her is not in my deck of cards.
C'est la vie.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Rick, I did. I shot a music video all day in the rain (LA weather has been crazy). I prepared for a sunny shoot.. so I went to bed with a chill. I also built a new relationship with a director. I love hearing the words "You're my New AD"
Today was awesome as well. I'm taking an investment seminar. Since I'm a freelancer, it's up to me to come up with my own retirement money. The $ it costs to educate myself is a litte out of my price range at the moment, but it's something I want to work towards.
Our instructor said a few things that rung so true to my sitch.
1. Procrastination is the thief of life
2. Change in life happens either from inspiration or desperation.
I really enjoyed the 2nd. When the bomb dropped last November.. I was definitely changing out of desperation.
However, I think I'm finding myself now changing out of inspiration. I'm not desperate to save my marriage.. but I feel inspired about how I behave in my marriage for as long as God continues to have it last... if that makes sense.
I find myself becoming more loving the more I'm in church and the more time I spend with God. The more my friends remind me of love and the more I show love to them. It's not easy all the time.. but It's an active part of my life. In my work, in my relationships.. it kinda centers around everything I do.. which has been awesome.
Because of that, my negativity has gone way down. When it creeps up on me, it's mostly in the form of fear or anger.. but mostly fear. I no longer complain about my job or my life. I don't even complain about my situation (well for the most part ). I find life to be really good and wake up every day seeing more positives than negatives.
Overall I just feel inspired.
The inspiration has been good but it's also wanting me to change up my strategy. For 7 months I have not contacted my w. She has made it clear that she does not know what our lives together as something other than a married couple looks like. She's afraid of the gray.
And although I understand that I can't make her see it... I've been wondering if just waiting for her to see it w/ taking no action is really working.
I know she is seeing changes in me.. they have been consistent. I guess I'm wondering if I should take them to the next level.
Last year we bought Christmas for a family. It was one of most joyous moments in my life and I think it was for her too.
I plan on doing it again this year... but I want to ask her if she wants to join me. I have checked my motives and this has NOTHING to do with our r and everything to do with loving a family for Christmas. I have NO desire to talk about M, only to laugh and have my melt heart when I think about the smiles on that family's face on Christmas morning.
If she doesn't want to join me that's ok.. but I want to ask. I have no expectations... because in some ways.. it feels like it doesn't really have anything to do with her and I.
Does that seem weird?
Is this anti DBing.. I don't know. But in all of this, I never wanted us to stop talking. I may not have her as a w, but I'm okay with having her as a friend. Honestly... it's where we need to be.
Our marriage was very toxic and we both weren't being our best selves. I'm interested in a reset button, but I feel like that needs to go back further to the very beginning. Marriage is built on a foundation and her and I built everything on sand.
I don't know. I know it doesn't seem like DBing.. but I just keep thinking that God continues to remind us from time to time that he is here and cares. Shouldn't I do the same.
If she's not ready - that is fine. But if she is why not?
Does that make sense? Am I crazy?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
W finally emailed me back in regards to the car. Her counter offer is only a couple hundred dollars less than what is fair. Originally she wanted to take all of the last 6 months of car payments away from the value of her half. I go into more detail about it in earlier posts but I didn't drive the car the past 6 months NOR did I really have an option to.
Anyway, yesterday I was thinking that it's not a bad offer.. the amount I would lose... I wouldn't really feel and definitely not worth the headache. I thought it was really great of her to go from wanting me to pay 100% to 25%.
However when I work up this morning, I'm feeling a little different. I don't feel like I should pay the 25%.
I feel like I have compromised on everything in regards to this D. I know this recent event is just bringing up past events.. ones that I already had peace of when I made the decision - so I'm clearly reacting.
But I told her that I wouldn't pay so am I clearly going against my boundary if I agree?
Am I being loving to her by accepting part of payment?
Am I being loving to myself by just avoiding the headache?
Or am I being loving to myself by sticking to my original boundary?
Would love some feedback from my folks.. especially those of you would have been with me for awhile.
The loving val has always been but the Val that sticks up for herself and creates boundaries... has been a real challenge to create.
I don't know which I'm being at the moment.
.... so much for asking her to join me to buy Christmas for that family.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
As someone struggling with boundaries right now, I don't have that answer for you. I just wanted to say that I am following along and will offer anything that I can, and in the meantime I am keeping you in my thoughts, especially over the holidays.
). I find life to be really good and wake up every day seeing more positives than negatives.