Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Keep_going,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation...you need to take care of yourself and I can't imagine going through this with your little ones. Thanks for your note of encouragement and I hope you can hang in there too!

Let's hope these husbands come to their senses...I am pretty convinced that eventually, they will feel the pain we are feeling if they don't realize what they are doing.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks kml!

I posted a pic of the kids on FB and he commented on how cute they looked.

Very good suggestions on acting "as if"...for some reason, it is hard for me to think of any possibilities except that they are constantly locked in a passionate embrace. :-)

When you FIX THIS SELF INFLICTED PROBLEM it all gets easier...seriously...

He made a flight that should get him home around 8:30. He is a premier flyer but is in the last row middle seat. Yes, I secretly will take pleasure in that...

um, okay...how would a different flight earlier have been better in that regard? Or you just want him to be miserable when he gets home?

Well....we're all human, but TRY to sympathize with him. IN HIS EYES he's making Herculean efforts to get home...so remember what my DB coach said to do

and it's NOT easy...APPLAUD LOUDLY for the 1% of positives they do...

it's very difficult at times...like only a saint could do it all the time

but you know, it WORKS!

[25yearsmlc]

any chance his job will change someday?

WIll it always be this insane? Does he at least MAKE A FORTUNE?

I thought I had it bad b/c my h was military and

(well, okay WAR IS WORSE, but it's not eternal)

but is there an end in sight to this insane schedule?

[Nblost]

Hi, I wouldn't say he makes a fortune, but he makes good money. However, to me, it isn't worth it...his travel has always been hard, but at this point...feels like it is destroying us and our family. (and, I actually earn more in my job where I have a reasonable balance for life/family)

I did want him home earlier on Sunday...really just to see the kids. He got home at 9 pm (bedtime especially with the end of daylight savings) and then only saw them Monday evening before he left again this morning. His weekend was up in the air so they were hoping he'd be home earlier. I also struggle when we don't know for sure what time he will be home...I don't want to over-promise the kids and have them disappointed. This weekend should be much better--he has promised to be home for D8's birthday party and he has helped make a couple reservations for it.

I was tempted to have an R talk with him last night (we've been tiptoeing around our plans for the holidays...he has said he will spend them with us...I said that is great but it will be hard for me to be with our families). But, I gave him a hug instead and told him I didn't need to talk. We went to bed together and he held me while we fell asleep. When he left today, he gave me a small kiss on the lips. I realized he left and our 4-year old was in bed snuggling me...probably a good vision to leave in his head.

Yesterday, he asked me to lunch and it was fairly pleasant. Just hard at the end because he started talking about a new job possibility (bigger job/role and more centered in OW's city) and he also talked about joining a nonprofit board. OW is on at least one board and my H would have never been interested in something like that before (I can't recall him volunteering or giving to a charity in the 12+ years I have known him). Just a couple things in the mix of conversation...but brought me down. I held my tongue...I just questioned how much he is already gone and away from the family.

I feel like I am seeing more than 1% positive from him...but it is just so hard for me to trust or believe he isn't manipulating me to stay in the house. I know I need to continue to think positive. I also realize there are many men who would have fled already or been treating me worse.

Thank you for all the support...I really do need the encouragement to stay positive and try to do the "as if"s.

I also realize that at this point, I should try to make it through the holidays...that may be his timeline anyway. He's told me he needs a month or two to figure out if he wants to stay in the A.

[Nblost]

H is traveling again this week (of course) but I have received more text msgs from him and I don't sense he is with OW as much. (but not sure and hard to know if she might be out of town or something) One of our interchanges tonight was kind of fun/somewhat sexual.

He helped plan D8's birthday tomorrow--made restaurant reservations and reservations for the girls at a store to make stuffed animals. He also had the idea to buy our two older girls each a scooter.

I'm going to stay with an upbeat feeling that he is coming home tomorrow morning although I think he leaves again Sunday (but his next week is supposedly full of flights to various cities so not sure he'll see much of me or OW)

He is calling the house right now!

[Nblost]

H left this morning...yesterday was ok...he is acting a bit more normal around the house and being nice to me. However, it feels like there is a huge cloud hanging over us.

Does anyone else have a perspective on the H going silent about the affair? I am not trying to overanalyze (done enough of that) but my guess is that he believes it hurts my feelings to talk about it so he doesn't.

The reason I ask is because at church today (GAL/180!) the pastor talked about the power of calling things as you see them and not letting people get away with things. He gave the example of a difficult person who only had one person tell them they weren't treating people well. On that difficult person's death bed, that one person was the person who had meant the most of them in their life. Just made me think. I do feel like I'm seeing some baby steps back to the M by H...but he also hasn't reacted too badly to R talks...so part of me feels like I should try to talk to him again this week.

I guess my goal would be to let him know I have hope for our marriage and I'd like to start working on it. I do want to know what he needs to make him happy.

Also, I have been reading the 5 LL book...I think H's love languages are words of affirmation and touching...so tried to do more of both this weekend.

[Nblost]

Just venting a bit here.

H came home late last night and I feel like I should be happier than I am. Nothing new, but there are days when it strikes me how self-centered he is. He works very hard--but his world feels to me like it is all about him. Even if he is struggling with his affair and ending our marriage, he gets to pick between a fun new girlfriend and his wife who is acting upbeat and propping up his home life so he doesn't have to worry about the kids. Meanwhile, I'm multi-tasking at all times to manage work, home, kids and trying to GAL.

I really do believe our issues are 50/50 (or I'd even take a bit more of the blame)...but so hard to be in this "limbo" stage and feeling like I am now taking the full brunt of his actions.

I also need to talk to H about the holidays...we just need to figure out some logistics so we can RSVP to family. I'm not sure why I dread the conversation so much. Really, what can get any worse? I guess deep down, I still have hope for us but I'm scared H will tell me that he is feeling stronger about his A.

Is it possible to feel like your heart is in a knot? That's what I feel like today.

[Nblost]

I should vent more often...maybe.

H texted me just after I posted this morning and let me know he could attend d10's parent teacher conference. He asked if I wanted to get lunch beforehand. His work schedule had shifted a bit. I think I successfully DB-ed throughout. I kept things light and complimented him a few times on how hard he was working and how well things sound like they are going for him at work.

We talked briefly about Thanksgiving and we are going to get together with both sets of parents. Last week, I had told him that would be hard for me given he's having an affair. This week, I told him my parents wanted his parents to come and he agreed to invite them. I didn't bring up the A.

He doesn't mention anything about the affair and seems to be trying to mention things he's doing while he travels to make me think he isn't seeing OW. I haven't given him a firm ultimatum that the affair can't continue, but he knows I am not comfortable with it. I guess he must have taken the affair further "underground"? Do I just continue to assume it is happening? I would assume it is because if he had ended it...he would tell me? (I found a receipt from a dinner they had about 12 days ago...so it's not like it's been that long)

Also, he had lunch with his parents last week and connected with an old friend this week...I would like to believe that's positive and he's not as much in the "secret world of the affair"? Although, then I got nervous that the A is his new reality and maybe he's just getting comfortable.

Any thoughts? I know I should embrace these baby steps and stop thinking about everything.

[Abbey]

Yep. If feels like your heart is being jabbed with knives. Best thing I can say is stay CALM, stay CALM, stay CALM.

As for the holidays (hard I know) but I'd put it to him in a non threatening manner. My sitch, I put it to him as: I just got a facebook invite, blah blah. What do you want to do about that? Leave it with him. He might even say, I don't care, don't know, or I don't want to go. Don't react.... repeat... DON'T react. Just nod and walk away.

You've got a 50/50 he'll either change his mind on his own, or will turn around and think better of it. Don't announce you're going. (you can decide to go on your own.) Just try to: Depressurize,... that's your job right now. And as for getting stronger with the A,... think of it, as it might have to get worse, before it gets better. A's don't last. Most do not last. Period. You want that damn A to END when it's over. My H's A ended with unfinished business, and now we're paying the price for it. Let this thing play out, and run it's course. As wrong as it feels, like they're having their cake and eating it too, and it's unfair etc etc etc. You're absolutely right. But sometimes you have to choose between being right, or doing what you need to do, to get back your happiness.

Abbey

[Abbey]

NB, about your "more rant". Ignore the affair. Yep. Trust me, right now, he's all messed up in the head. Think of it like that. Even try to get a sense of humor about it, if you can. He's gone ALIEN.

The thing with A's is the last thing the spouse is going to want to admit to, is that they're failing at the A too. Do not MENTION the A again.