One sad note comes to mind. She said to make sure i have a couple of trustworthy confidants to be able to talk to. Unfortunately, my wife is one of the first ones that pops up when i think about a best friend that i can talk to. I have some good friends, but she's the best when comes to having someone to discuss the really important issues.
"If a friend was about to make a huge mistake shouldn't she be called on it?
I should have an equal say in what happens with our children.
The craziness and unfairness is really tough for me to swallow."
She is in her own world right now and not very rational. Working through her own issues at the moment. It will take some time. Not much you can do to explain things in this situation. Just be the best you can be for your kids, for yourself, and for her when she's ready.
By the bye, have you thought of having a good BBQue with friends and family? Works wonders! Good place for some ideas here is http:[edited by dbmod: non-db links are not allowed]
Last edited by dbmod; 11/08/1102:51 AM.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
I hear you, been trying to keep that in perpective. It helps a ton having the reminder though. Thanks again.
And speaking of keeping perspective, the rest of yesterday was quite interesting. She asked me, since I had told her the night she dropped the bomb that I wanted the kids and would fight for them, would I get a lawyer if she filed papers right now. And she asked when I would start helping her with the transition if I didn't want the lawyers to get all our $. Wow, not ready for this conversation, and in thinking about my morning db session, it was screaming in my head to not engage in this conversation. Long long pause and I finally said I didn't know because I was trying not to look at that as an outcome. I told her I was focusing on myself and tyring get my head around why we are hear and how I played a part in getting here. Its hard to describe her reaction, but I could tell that she was listening so I pressed on. I told her that it was unfair for her to ask me to help in something that is the opposite of my own goals and I was very adamant in my tone (boundary setting?). Then I went back to discuss my working on myself, I told her about the things I have learned this week about therapy and how positive and forward thinking it can be. I told her I wouldn't ask her to go but that I am asking her to keep an open mind to learning about what I have this week and she nodded yes. I told her that because of her tone I could tell the time was not right for that but sometime later when she is ready. More nodding. I told her about some of my db session and specifically something I had come to an understanding on regarding one of the major issues she has with me. She thanked me for telling her. There were a couple of more topics regarding therapy and she was attentive through it all. I let her know that I thought we'd said enough for now and she replied she had to go anyway. I then also told her that I was reluctant to tell her many things right now because I think these are dangerous conversations. She said she understood. Now the zinger - the rest of the afternoon and evening she was so nice to me - more conversation (normal stuff) and pleasant tone. I had to leave town for a day or so and she gave me a hug on the way out the door. The first one she's initiated since the bomb. WTF! Is this the roller coaster or what? And then my 4 hr drive became a tense game of trying to convince myself to not have false hope, but really? I just can't believe she went from discussing papers and lawyers to giving me a hug. Stomach and back tied up in knots.
So after monday's hug I've been out of town, got back last night. We had a fairly typical evening for us with our normal conversations. While it feels good good to have some more extended time together and talking, I realised it was only the first or second night that that we hadn't avoided each other around the house. It is so damn hard to act as if, when I just want to hold her tight, tell her how much I love her, ask her to change her mind, ask her to not take my kids away, take her up stairs and never spend another night on the couch. It seems so close yet a million miles away.
when an S goes up and down like this it can be difficult, to say the least! As I've seen, when dealing with an S when there're like this the best you can do at the moment is to try your best to stay on an even keel. Try not to react too much much when they all of a sudden they throw something off the wall. (Save that for when you're by yourself if needed or just vent on this board...we can take it) Be yourself, listen to them, acknowledge W's feelings. However, If W starts taking unfair sniper shots at you let her know that's not on and move along.
At the moment, and I know this is not easy, but for now try to steer yourself away from doing things with the intention of 'just' trying to win W back. Save that for later, for now. Pick yourself back up. You already have a lot on your plate full in dealing with the anxiety and stress of the situation. You have to do good, healthy things for you that you know have worked for yourself before. Even try new things to get your mind off the Hampster that maybe running around in your head. An art class? Martial arts? Skydiving even? Use your imagination. (You might have to get a pen and paper out and make a list of these things, helps to get this stuff down on paper.)
What you are experiencing in this type of sitch is actually quite normal. I experienced it. Many others on this board have too. Guess what, often we feel alone and that perhaps there might even be something wrong with us. When an S is like this often they are on a journey and we're not invited. They have things to sort out and it has to run its course. Know that you are not responsible for W's part in this, only your own part. If you see something that you can do to make yourself a better fellow then try it. Even small changes can pan out later. (For myself, I know this sounds silly, but six years ago I resolved to make my bed every day. Didn't stop. Later, when I needed to make bigger changes I would look on this little thing and say, 'Hey, I stuck with that, I can do this now.')
If this helps, I'll relay a sitch from my own experience. After W wanted to separate, W decided she wanted to go out for dinner with me. While there, she said she would like to take a trip with me for a week to see her family and show that we were strong as a couple. She wanted to do this the very next week. I responded with, 'At the moment my work can't allow a week for me. Perhaps we can work on things for now and strenghten our relationship. That way we could show them a united front. In a couple months I'll be able to take a week or even two and then we can see them as a much better couple.' She stayed silent for a bit. Then, no less than 5 minutes later she said she wanted a D. Where'd that come from!?
I thought I was dealing with something unique but after seeing other people's sitche's, some good guidance, I found this was quite normal when an S is trying to discover themself. In my experience, you've got some good people here. Use us, we're easy. (Yes, keep talking to DB coaches too when needed. From what I've seen they're good. Lots of positive feedback. If they were not good I would relay that. Also, a friend that is mostly pro marriage but doesn't have a bone to pick with this n' that is a keeper too. Use your best judgement here.)
Some more suggestions for consideration,
1. As said, try writing things down on paper. It can help to get things off the mind and down on paper. Don't leave this for others to see it though. This is for yourself.
2. Get active. Exercise regularily. Helps stave off the bluesey stuff.
3. Get out and see good friends and family. Don't sit there like a blob and gaze at your navel. Take the kids, make it a fun outing!
4. Take some quiet time for yourself. Be creative here.
5. Tell the kids you love them and make a point of telling them this is not their fault.
Anybody else have suggestions here feel free to post them. I'm sure Garwayne wouldn't mind!
Coyote Boy
PS> Sorry, forgot I wasn't allowed to post a non DB link. Aka, a good BBqueing link for some viscious recipes! I understand though...My bad...
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Thank you so much Coyote. I do need the outlet. I knew it would be a roller coaster, didn't realize it might be hourly sometimes. it's just crazy to feel like i'm on the sidelines but I like your advice and will continue to maintain. I have a suspicion I'll be reading your post over and over, thanks again.
I know it's not easy feeling like you are on the sidelines. Not being able to get W to see reason and fix the situation with her.
Don't do that though. For now and in the near future, resist the urge to 'fix' W and see your point. Also, try to avoid the 'I love you's,' the 'R' talks and basically chasing after W. They can chase an S away when they are running like this. Happens like clockwork actually.
Let W initiate these talks. Otherwise, be pleasant and diplomatic. Be her friend even. Listen to her. If she has some good points to make certainly, take them to heart. However, If she drops another bomb or something off the wall, take it in stride. As above, vent somewhere else on this (here is a good place, or even a trusted friend or C.) If she starts getting unfair then please refer to my above post.
I know things are...well...crappy right now. But, a wise person told me just after my W gave me the bomb, 'this may not be easy but, at the moment you have to resist the urge in feeling sorry for yourself. Knuckle down. Things get better, especially if you get your a@$ back up and make it better. Be a smart about this, you're better than that!' (Sorry about the direct language but that is what I was told.) I've never stopped thanking that person to this day,
Coyote Boy
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
My situation is essentially posted in this thread however I've been posting under MLC when I thought the readers/resposes of that group my have some specific insight into what appears to be my issues.
But I've also noticed that this form often has more viewing and more activity than that one. I think that my most recent post there on kids might have good responses from this group as well.
Advice on either my post or my forum question is greatly appreciated.
or just vent on this board...we can take it) Be yourself, listen to them, acknowledge W's feelings. However, If W starts taking unfair sniper shots at you let her know that's not on and move along.