Wow V...I am so proud of you. Sticking up for yourself isn't exactly against DBing. I didn't read anywhere in DR or DB that in order to do it effectively you had to be a door mat.
It was a good conversation the 2 of you had, I admire that you were able to recognize that falling in to the same patterns and routines would do nothing but hurt the chances of being able to communicate effectively.
It is so hard to let go, I know. One thing I realize through out this process, and maybe you can relate, was I didn't know how lost I really was until I started to find myself again.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Val has done so well consistently. Val, we're all so proud of you for handling yourself with strength and courage. It is painful, it rips our hearts out. Sometimes I wish i could just literally rip my heart out instead of feeling all this slow death -- but you are doing what we all HOPE to do. You are growing. You are discovering yourself and your are meeting yourself where you are --- and improving.
I read your updates with great interest and I am thinking of you. Plus, people who don't have animals likely don't understand how hard it is to give up pets. I am lucky in that sense b/c W knows our dogs are getting older and are very expensive to keep. No chance she will try to take them. I feel so bad that you had to give up your babies.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Wow.. thanks ladies for all the kind words spoken. It means alot to me.
@ DG - Yes I do know what you mean. I didn't realize how co-dependent I was until now. Being in a relationship with an addict is hard. They say it's a sickness that effects the whole family. I think w and I will be healing for a long time.
@ Gabby - I hope you don't leave the newcomers but understand if you need to. I agree that newcomers blur the line between DBing and being a doormat. I believe this stems from the fear that our next move will be our last move... when in actuality we just never know. We do our best, plant our seeds, and let God do the rest.
@IS - Yes I do miss my cats.. but it is what it is. I gave them up because her house was bigger and I couldn't separate them. With w exploring her new life, the cats will need each other more than ever.. they are very lovey that way.
@ WAW - Wow.. I just don't even know what to say to you hoping to be as graceful as me. I guess the only thing I can say is that it's not me.. I pray all for God to keep my heart loving. If it is happening, it is truly because he has given me the strength to keep going.
Weekend continued on. I woke up sad today but it passed when i went to church. Spent that hour being very thankful for how Saturday turned out.
Spent the afternoon watching the bears game and was excited for another win. The person I hung out with didn't know I was getting a D.. when he found out he was extremely sad. I said me too, but I'm becoming a better woman from this whole thing.
Texted w that I was sending her an email about the car. I felt that since we had taken it to a friendly level, I didn't want to hit her with it out of the blue.
I'm just going with my gut. We are still continuing to be friendly and I plan on keeping that up. I will make sure to expectations in check and allow my emotions to wash over me. Both good and bad.
PS. Had a BBQ Chicken Quesadillas and it was Ah-mazing! Made me think of your thread DG!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I actually thought that was DB'ing. You were kind and loving but you stood up for yourself. You don't have to validate her accusations, especially when you know you are committed to being a loving compassionate person and that your motives were pure. I think you handled that conversation with grace and love and you should be proud. I also wouldn't be surprised if someday, your W really takes a long hard look at her decisions and truly regrets her choices. Actually, I think that process might have already started.
Aww thanks E! Missed seeing you around these parts and I always appreciate the hugs.
She told me on Saturday that she still feels that D is right but she has been extremely sad and for me to not think that splitting our life up "has not phased her".
I believe that to be true but other than that.. I have no idea what is going on in her head. Only time will tell.
I just keep moving forward. As much as stuff can hurt and I can be sad, somewhere all of my changes shifted from being about my m to being about me. I'm not going to lie.. I hope she sees them.. but I'm not going to go back if she doesn't. I'm not going to try something "new" so she can "see" I've become a better/different woman.
I know I changed.
I like who I have become and am becoming. It's hard and uncomfortable that times.. but if growth was easy.. everyone will do it.
So glad to hear you and your H are doing well. Such strength and love you possess! Keep us updated from time to time will ya?
(((E)))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I GAL’ed the Sh!t out of my extended weekend and I am exhausted. I checked your thread skimming it. I will get a deeper read after I clear the mountain of work at the office.
After a first pass: Well done! I agree with others that part of what we learn here is establishing our boundaries and holding firm to them. In a manner that allows us to love ourselves. IMO what you said and did was DB’ing 151 as opposed to 101.
You’ve had more epiphanies, take time to process them. I struggle with giving my STBX the freedom and room she needs to grow. It seems you will be doing that more gracefully than I.
(((Val)))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hello Val, Thank you for some inspirational posts! Great job on your convo with s. I only hope that someday if the time comes when I talk with my w face to face that i will do as well, well done! Gunny
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
@JS - Yah! Can't wait to hear all about your weekend. Did ya kill anything?
I still struggle with letting go too. I have no doubt you will let go of your w gracefully.
@ Gunny - Thank you! My secret - lot's of prayer.. seriously. I feel like I am in constant prayer with God. I know he is the only reason I am handling my w with the grace and love that I have been.
Small Journal
Not alot going on in regards to sitch. W is away on a trip w/ her students. She is aware of the price to buy me out of the car. She will get to it when she does. I no longer sit and wait or fear her response.
The past weekend did leave me missing her a bit.. although I am thankful that I am remembering her in a positive light. My inner 5 year old is doing ok. Just need to remember that this past week is not the normal. My heart shall remain guarded, my hope.. in the box up high on a shelf I can't reach.
I continue to pray for my w, me, and our m.. but trust that God knows what's best for us individually..and as a couple. I'll do my part, but will leave the rest in his hands.
I took up a new GAL activity.. running. There have been a few times over the past 7 months when I have been out for a walk and got angry at my sitch.. so I started to run and felt better. So I took it up this week. I can barely run 2 miles. (The Divorce Diet made me look good but did nothing for my physical fitness ) A new goal is to run my first 10K at the end of January.
Other than that.. just living life. Appreciating the good moments, learning from the bad.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
) A new goal is to run my first 10K at the end of January.