yes, that's what I've thought about him. He's pushing your buttons, acting angry, being rude, etc... because it is hard for him. I have told you--- i still think -- he's not done at all. It's just a matter of you keeping your DBing skills. You are doing SOOOOOOO much better than I am :)]
BTW, I had mentioned casually the 5LL book to W once. She told me she took the quiz online. Funny, she actually paid attention to something like that. She told me her LL is physical touch -- but quickly added that she doesn't want me to touch her!!!! LOL> ok....got it. *i'm very huggy myself, and when I'm needy, watch out. *
So, about you -- The whole push and pull is his way of building up the wall, chipping at it, building it back, popping his head out.... etc.... He's very confused. You stay strong and a rock for your D. (I know you have!!!) Like JB said, you are DBing great!!! It's always hard when they act nasty and/or unreasonable, but those are the times it's most important to keep our cool (I'm taking notes on what I just said so I can do it myself...lol!)
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Hi ROMB, Just wanted to say that I too know how you are feeling. My H is going through a return to a cold and irritable stage that I haven't seen since around BD. It's very disheartening after all the work we've put in, but it's good to see feedback from others (IS, JB,lc4) that there is still a chance for our H's being involved/ invested.
Please keep us posted as to how you are doing with this. I'm trying to be more detached and quiet around my H, but it hasn't produced any results yet (although I'm only really a week in to the cold and irritable treatment from him).
I'm sorry about the stressful week you had. I hope your daughter is feeling much better and that you got some much needed rest. Please know that I am praying for your strength, as well as for your husband (these WAS need all the prayers they can get!) and for your marriage to be restored.
Your husband is obviously still very emotionally invested in your relationship; if he wasn't, he wouldn't spend so much time trying to push your buttons. I think he's behaving this way because he is confused about what he wants. As tough as it is to do (I know, because I'm married to a button-pusher, too), try to walk away from him when he starts up with you. Treat him as you would a child who is throwing a tantrum...let him know that when he has calmed down and would like to discuss things in a calm manner to let you know, then walk away (or hang up the phone, delete his texts without reading them, etc.). Soon he will tire of throwing a fit for an audience of one (himself).
Don't worry too much about the holidays yet; just keep taking things one day at a time. Your fight is far from over!
NLW and Ic4, thanks so much for your kind words and support... don't know what I'd do sometimes without my DB friends.
Yesterday was nuts. I was telling a friend about H's latest antics, and she said she thought I should avoid talking to him as much as possible. I agree. Unfortunately, H does not. I tried to get off the phone with him yesterday, and he wasn't having it.
First off, and I hope 25 might chime in here, he made a IM comment about me 'offering' him to spend time with D. I have no problem with him getting her, all he has to do is ask. I have been advised however, not to 'offer'. So I ignored the comment.
Later H called as I was out running an errand. I tried to end the call politely and he asked why I was always trying to get off the phone. Told him I'm not feeling well (the truth) and I just didn't want to talk. So he starts in on me anyway, saying he has checked the phone records again and wants to know who I've been texting during the wee hours.
Its a friend (and you know who you are) that has been a great source of support for me. I've told H about him in the past, and how I know him. Apparently, he was bent out of shape by the frequency of the contact. I will not defend myself against a completely platonic friendship with someone who has been there for me. He also asked why I didn't respond to his earlier IMs.
I have to say, I did not respond in a DB manner. And I don't care. Maybe that is detachment finally kicking in, but I am over how he is treating me right now. I can honestly say I don't want him back the way he is. He still completely refuses to see his role in this, and actually told me 'I made him do it'. He thinks that's taking responsibility for his actions.
He says I'm not doing everything I can to save our marriage. I laughed at that- if he only knew. I asked him what it would look like if I was doing everything I could and he said he didn't know. I asked him how I was supposed to know what to do if HE didn't even know??
In the end, I told him I would love to work on our marriage, but it would take a commitment from both of us, not just me. And for now, I am working on ME for ME, not him. He told me previously he wanted me to move on, I reminded him of that and why was he upset I was actually moving on?? That left him speechless.
Sorry if this is a rant, I'm still really irritated by the convo. I'm tired of everything that went wrong being my fault, tired of getting verbally blasted at every turn, tired of being worried, sad and lonely. Rant over.
I am going to have to trust God on this one, and trust He has something better in mind for me. I told my friend that I while I still feel my R with H is not over, I can't imagine God would put me back in such a lousy situation. I have to be patient, I suppose. I'm trying!!
It really seems to me that your H is pursuing you - HARD. It seems like he is launching an all-out assault to push every button he can think of. If one button doesn't get you going, he'll try another one. If he doesn't get results by pushing that one, then he'll try another, and so on. You are handling it like a champ. Keep standing strong and don't let it wear you down.
I don't know what's harder, being married to a button pusher or being married to someone who seems to be all but checked out. I almost think the latter is easier.
I think lc4 has some good advice for you, considering she has navigated this before. Treat like a child with a temper tantrum.
Vent here all you want. It's a lot better than saying something to your H that you will regret later.
I am praying for wisdom and strength through this, ROMB.
H was exceedingly nice today. I'm flabbergasted. Was kind, considerate, showed empathy...I've been letting him contact me all day, and he has several times.
During his call today, he thanked me for telling him who was clicking through on the phone. And said he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. Not sure how to take that one, but I'll try not to mind read. He also avoided R talk somewhat, I think because I was silent when he brought it up.
JB, I know you and Ic4 are right and I'm trying to get back on track with my thoughts. I just feel physically like I was hit by a bus, so I think combining that with H's antics pushed me until I just couldn't take anymore.
Thanks soooo much for stopping by and your support!!
ROMB, I'm glad the conversations have been pleasant recently. I say enjoy it and ride the wave as long as it lasts. Just be prepared for the standard WAH pull-back.
Thanks JB, I am definitely waiting for that but trying to keep a positive attitude for now.
Had another very pleasant convo with H yesterday, a real head scratcher. We were talking about his work, and how he needs to get some life insurance policies to meet a quota by year's end. I asked if he still had a policy on me he got a couple of years ago. He said yes, and he may convert it to a whole term policy to build some money up in it for me.
Didn't sound like something you'd do for a STBX! I just responded casually, ok, whatever you need to do (it would help him meet his quota). Still not getting my hopes up too much, but it seemed like a positive sign.
We were also able to discuss visitation without it blowing up. Yea!! He is still being really nice- going to try and relax, trust God and have a nice holiday.
The whole push and pull is his way of building up the wall, chipping at it, building it back, popping his head out.... etc.... He's very confused. You stay strong and a rock for your D. (I know you have!!!) Like JB said, you are DBing great!!! It's always hard when they act nasty and/or unreasonable, but those are the times it's most important to keep our cool (I'm taking notes on what I just said so I can do it myself...lol!)
It's a lot better than saying something to your H that you will regret later. 