Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[Valeska19]

Take it slow. That's all. it's not a matter of could or should have a pleasant friendly conversation. It is if you can handle it with no expectations. You also have to ask yourself if it is something that makes you feel better or worse.

Thanks for your words Gabby and for stopping by my thread!

At this stage, I feel BOTH. I'm not sure how much you read of my sitch, but my w said said all of these things about hanging out and not wanting to lose me from her life.. and then she just stopped talking to me and did the exact opposite for almost 7 months now.

So the better is that she does still care, the worse is that it isn't consistent right now.. or what I always said.. it's not enough to want her to even work on some kind of relationship.

I've been learning to let go of that expectation for now. At some point I will act on it.. but for now I am resting. I do not feel it is the right time to say to w. "Well since you feel I'm worth investing time into a relationship or a friendship, I do not really want you in my life".

That still feels wrong to me. It seems very black or white. With my w going through a 12 step program.. I know she is in a world of grey.

Go slow, do what feels right. It all comes down to what feels right to you.

Going slow is exactly my gameplan. I'm still working out what feels right.. but I do know what feels wrong.

It's progress.

[Valeska19]

Journaling -

During my conversation with my w last week, I had mentioned that I wanted to come over when the D was final and say goodbye to our cats. One is 7, the other is 4. One of them was my baby.

Cut to today - w emailed me asking if I wanted to come over and feed them and spend time with them while she was out of town with her students. She said that she was more than happy to have someone else do it, but wanted to give me the opportunity to see them since I had mentioned missing them.

Honestly - I'm just super confused. Friday has seemed to spark more contact with my w this week. I have done an "ok" job at holding my expectations and keeping it cool and calm.. I have seen this dance before in July. I don't want to get back on my rollercoaster again.

I want to guard my heart.

My w has had a history of letting me fix everything and take care of stuff. I'm very loyal and dependable.. however for most of this, she has not reached out really to take advantage of that in a awhile. So I'm not sure if it's that.

She goes on this trip yearly. She's known for awhile so she could have asked earlier. My guess is that because she is asking so late to her leaving, she could easily have someone else do it.

So assuming all that to be true, my w is doing this out of an act of kindness for me? If I let the stinking thinking go and just see that as hard for me to accept it, it must have been hard for her to ask it... right? (This is where 25 would probably say yes)

So she is putting herself out there.

Is this another opportunity for me to lay another block of the road?

I'm not sure I'm ready to go to her house. I want to see the cats but I feel it's too hard for me to see them in HER apartment with her not there. I don't know if she is sharing her life with anyone and I don't want to be put into a situation to see it.

This is all soo hard. I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea what to do.

[jbnati]

Val, it's probably a little of both. She's probably thinking you may like to do it, but she also knows she can depend on you to do it, and it's very convenient.

Is this another opportunity for me to lay another block of the road?

Hard to say. If you do it, you should probably have no expectations.

Also, I would suggest doing this only if you're up to it. If you're doing it to see the cats and to take the high road, it may be all right to do it. If you're doing it with expectations and high hopes, it may not be such a good idea to do it. I think it depends on what your motives are.

[Valeska19]

Also, I would suggest doing this only if you're up to it. If you're doing it to see the cats and to take the high road, it may be all right to do it. If you're doing it with expectations and high hopes, it may not be such a good idea to do it. I think it depends on what your motives are.

Ahh yes.. this is the question. Right now all of the above. I think it might be time to ask for a little guidance from the man upstairs

[jbnati]

I think it might be time to ask for a little guidance from the man upstairs.

ALWAYS an excellent decision IMO!

[Valeska19]

Went to take my car for an oil change.. found out that it has many more problems than I had thought. It wasn't even safe to drive it home.

Called w. I don't want to start pumping money into the car if we are going to sell them both. I was surprised that she answered. She was very pleasant on the phone and offered to meet me tomorrow to discuss the cars. We talked briefly about Penn State and then hung up.

I've been crying ever since. The cars will be the last part of this divorce. All that is left is the paperwork.. and that's it..

I've got to be honest.. I'm tired. I'm tired of acting upbeat. I'm tired of being positive. I'm tired of turning the other cheek and taking the high road.

I know I'm venting. I know I'll be alright.. but for right now. It just hurts.

Maybe it's not a good idea to see the cats.. all this contact has me kinda loopy.

[~¤DG¤~]

(((Val)) I'm sorry your having one of those moments.
Allow yourself to vent, allow yourself to feel, you are not alone on this road. We are all in this together.

Talk to the man upstairs, He will help you through this.

[sayitaintso]

Sorry you are having a rough time today Val. Thinking good thoughts for you and realize this will get better with time.

[wawinla]

Val:

As you know I'm going through the same things, so tired of trying to be positive and GAL. You're ahead of me in the unwinding process (I'm still in the negotiation phase), but when I get to your stage, I'm sure I'll be feeling just like you. I hope when I'm there, I'll handle it as gracefully as you.

You're in a low point on the journey, with no way quick or easy way to get out of it. As you've done in the past, you'll bounce back and be the better for it. For now, just know that folks are thinking about you and wishing you speedy passage through this latest hurdle.

Hang in there and as you often say, GAL like hell when you can.

[Valeska19]

Thanks DG! (((( ))) Sorry for your loss.

@ Gabby. Thanks for the words even if dosed with painkillers! I did tell my w that I deeply appreciated the offer, but at this time I was not comfortable being in her apartment alone. She said that she understood.


Long Journal:

So met w today to talk about the car. Our conversation started off rocky.

We started talking about the cars. We were doing fine until she started playing the victim. She fell into our old dynamic. I know there will be a devil's advocate.. but I know myself. What she said was not true and a way to keep the old dynamic going.

She reminded me that she made more the last 3 yrs so she was entitled to more of the car.

She accused me of punishing her for the divorce. She lost money by settling on the insurance and now was going to lose money because she has to buy me out of the car. Saying that the last 7 car payments should come out of my half.

I told her that I refused to do that. She kept saying that I was punishing at her.. and this is where I stopped DBing and stuck up for myself.

I said..

I will not let you sit here and say that I am punishing you. I will not sit here and let you say that I don't deserve half.

These are just consequences of the divorce. We both lose.

I did contribute to the marriage. There were times in which I made more and since we moved, I may not have made what you did, but I didn't make crap. I paid different bills and when I had extra money, I put it towards the car.

I will not sit here and allow you to say I have and am punishing you. There is alot I could do, but I'm not doing it. I have never punished you in the 9 yrs we were together.. I have not punished you in the 7 months we have been separated.. and I'm not punishing you now!

I will not backpay for the car or for the insurance because you wanted to do it, and we both know that you would not have allowed me to have the car. You have told me many times in our marriage that I would always get your hand me downs. Remember.. I made you move to here, therefore you got the new car.

So don't make this about me. Dig deep in yourself. You say that you know I love you and that I am good woman.. Believe it now. I speak the truth.

I do not want to argue with you about this. This is not what I came here to do and this is not how I want to behave.

Was that DBing.. definitely not.. but I couldn't allow her to create these fairy tales. I'm all for admitting what I have done wrong.. and to look at things from her point of view.. but I couldn't let her beat me down. I couldn't allow that same dynamic.. even if it meant not DBing.

And for the 1st time... my wife stopped and apologized. She said that she was scared.

I said.. "Me too so let's start over".

We talked about the car and came to an agreement. Unfortunately we both did the math wrong and so I have to email her about that.

There was a time that she came up with an agreement that would require trust from each other. I said that we couldn't do it because she didn't trust me and I didn't trust her. She said "Yeah we really destroyed everything we had" My response "Yes we did. I understand the divorce.. but I still don't understand why we had to destroy everything. Our trust, our friendship, the past 9 yrs.. why did we have to lose it all?"

And then she grabbed my hands and said.

"I had to run from you! I couldn't deal with it. I can't have you in my life and be a new person. It's too easy to go back to the old me. I'm dealing with my feelings now, but I don't know how long it's going to take.. but I don't not want to be in your life."

I felt validated. I always knew that my w was running. That the 12 step program brought up too much and rather than deal.. she ran.

I thanked her for sharing and I grabbed her other hand.. and told her that I forgave her.. that I was angry and hurt but that I forgive her for the harm she did to me in our marriage, and for the hurt she is causing me now.

I told her that when she was done dealing with her demons, my door was open. Not as her wife, but as her friend.. and that I would welcome her with a hug and a high five for finally beating the woman who had caused her so much pain (herself)

That I wanted her to be happy and was proud of her changes. She said she could tell I was changing too.

And she bawled.

We ended the conversation. As we walked to the car, she grabbed and held my hand. I walked her to her car and she hugged me. She said "You know I love you right?". I said.. I see it now, but it's been very hard to see the past 7 months.

I explained how God opened my heart last Friday and that I was done punishing her. I was done making her out to be evil because I was hurting. That it wasn't fair to her and it wasn't loving.

I told her that I loved her too. She said the same old thing.. "I know you do".

She later sent me a text saying that she appreciated that we brought our higher power into today. There was an obvious shift in the way we communicated, and she appreciated it.

I responded saying me too and that God is good and that I continue to be surprised by how much he loves us considering how unlovable we act at times.

And that was that. I will be getting a Divorce. I will be getting one because my w feels it's what's right so she can change for the better.

I can choose to be upset about it.. but I look at it this way.. if a person can't stop abusing the spouse, but decides to leave the spouse until they can get better.. than that's not a bad thing.

Do I agree with my wife's choices.. no. but I also know that I struggle with my co-dependency and that I can't really be in a healthy r with her either.

I don't know what the future holds.. but it looks brighter. I'm sad to lose her, but I truly want her better.. even at the sacrifice of our marriage and me.

That's where I stand at the moment.