Hi Val, I just wanted to stop in and say I agree with you - God will allow these things to happen to make us better people, more like Him, more like who we were intended to be.
You ARE worthy. Don't let anyone tell or convince you that you're not. I think it's the enemy coming to bring those negative thoughts to tear us down. Not that I want to ignore constructive criticism.
Hopefully I'm not going super spiritual on you. I'm just sharing what I believe - it's between you and God what you believe.
You have gained so much wisdom since you've been on this MB. This shows in your posts here and to others. You should be very proud of how far you've come.
It's hard not to allow the fact that my w hasn't really spoken to me in 8 months play into that. I realize that I'm not alone here and there are plenty of people on this board who has been married twice as long....
.... but it's still a hard pill to swallow. I have and continue to own up to my part.. but I believe I have done every thing I can. It's up to my w to deal with her demons.
So needless to say that I'm feeling down today. Will be going to bank in about 5 hrs to split our savings with w. I also plan on giving her the key back to our storage unit.
I am stressed. I woke from my stress dream of losing my teeth and my chest is super tight. As usual, I jumped on my rollercoaster.
The ride was short and intense. I got off before going on round 2.
The truth is that I don't want to see my w. I don't blame her for putting me on the rollercoaster but it's kinda like when I quit smoking.. at first I couldn't be around other smokers or in bars until I could be strong enough.
Maybe that's an horrible analogy to compare my w to a cigarette..
It just hurts. Seeing her is a reminder that she does not care about me anymore. I do want her to get healthy and figure out who she is, but I still don't believe that had to come at the cost of our m.. and I certainly don't believe she had to hurt me in the process.
Anyway..Who wants to put themselves in that position to feel those things??
I want to be cheerful but not as an act but because it's who I am. There is alot to be grateful for.. I hope I can muster the courage.
This is just another step in this process. It's another step towards the unknown.
It's scary
P.S. Got a text from House today asking if I was available so clearly I didn't do anything wrong. I will continue to remind myself of your words, 25, about assuming people are telling the truth.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, you are worthy, you deserve to be happy, keep that in mind.
Breathe deep and slow calm cleansing breathes.
The feelings you are having are normal. You are in a situation producing anxiety. It is flight or fight and if we were less than we are, without our higher functions we would flee until we had to fight. It is a survival mechanism. It is normal
We have the higher functions. We believe in honor and integrity. We believe in a higher power. We believe we are part of something greater than ourselves. We will face the fear that produces the anxiety with serene confidence. It will not be easy. We will persevere, for we know the moment is fleeting, it will end. You will persevere. Believe it or not she is having many of the same anxieties and will want to fight or flee also.
(((Val)))
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
This will probably be a long post. I would like some thoughts from vets on this board. I'm sure I also deserve some 2x4s.
Met with W yesterday at the bank. I was really nervous and was scared... so I was quiet. My w tried to make small talk. I did my best to keep the answers short. I answered them but didn't say more or ask about her day.
When we split the account, she gave back the $500 she took from our account in July without telling me. The amount that I froze the account for.
Went to her car to exchange things. Told her I took stuff out of the storage unit and she asked what about the camping stuff that was ours. I said I took what I wanted from it. She said ok.
So I turn to walk away and she stops me. Hesitates.. and I ask "what?". She said I seem defensive and angry.. and that she doesn't know why.. "You don't have to tell me but if you want to tell me what's on your mind, I'm here to listen".
I was super shocked.
My w has never pursued me at all in the last 8 months. Has made no attempt to hear me (without me saying it first) or running after me. I'm not sure she was..maybe just shocked by my approach to distance myself. I honestly don't know if was a good thing or a bad thing.
I wanted to walk away.. but I couldn't. I wasn't being angry or defensive and although I am a believer of DB techniques.. I also believe in God and opening doors.
I told her that I wasn't either of those things and explained that I was just trying to respect her new relationship with me. That I needed to accept that she doesn't want me in her life, and so I'm trying to make that as my truth.
She said she didn't know how else to do this divorce. I asked what did she mean? She said that she doesn't know what a relationship with me looks like. She's trying to set boundaries, separate our lives, move forward. There are so many times she wants to know how I'm doing, what I'm working on.. but she doesn't say anything. (I don't necessarily think she was talking romantically.. more of a friendship)
But her emotions are all over the place when it comes to me. She doesn't know how she is going to treat me, she doesn't know how will treat her. Nothing is consistent.
She said it's a grey area and she doesn't like grey. I said I understood. I said that we knew what the past 8 months looks like. She agreed. And I was like well only we can decide if the other is worth it to get out of the grey.
She told me that I keep saying it's about my worth but that it isn't for her and it never was. That she has so many emotions. She's scratching the surface of them.. but isn't dealing with them yet. She has alot to forgive herself for and she's sure there is stuff she needs to forgive me for as well.
We dropped it for awhile. Talked about life. She said that I seemed like I had alot of my plate. I said I did. She asked if I wanted to share.
I said.. yes.. but that I couldn't.. because tomorrow I would wake up and she wouldn't talk to me. I couldn't do that to myself. She said that she was fighting wanting to know so she could fix it. Caz that's what we've always done.
I said yes except I still wanted to be there for her and she still goes through life not wanting or needing to open up to me.. which is fine but I can't do it the same old way any more.
Went back to talking about life. It started to rain and she was like "You are going to have to get closer if you want to share my umbrella".
She did throw out a couple digs. About my mother being sooo thrilled that I've gone back to church or that I'm sooo busy I must be rolling in the doe. I let the comments roll off my back.
She told me about her struggles in OA. She made a pretty big realization about being a "good OAer" vs working the program. I applauded and said that was huge that she recognized it and changed it.
We talked about my positive changes and God. She kept pushing on settling the cars. Finally I said.. "I don't make any decision about you or us without talking to God first. I have alot of feelings and I don't want to hurt you or myself so I need time to work through it with him before I can make a decision.. so you and I am going to have to wait".
She said that was fine.. that she realized that this is all on God's timeline (something I said months ago to her). When I had my answer to let her know.
So an hour later I ended the conversation. We hugged very deeply and I got in my car.
30 minutes later she texted me.
w: I'm glad we stayed and chatted. It was good to connect with you. m: (5 hrs later) Me too. on both. Hope you have a great weekend and you feel better.
I have a whole other post about my reaction to this afterwards. Pretty revealing stuff.
I know not to look into it. There are a ton of info there and a ton of positives there.. but the D is still moving forward.
I'm not really sure if what I am doing is working or what...
End part 1
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
You go Val. :)I'm not an expert DBer but she is curious about you and your life. In Motivational interviewing the drug addict at 1st is in the precontemplation stage. They don't have a problem, later when the fog lifts a bit they move to contemplation stage which is full of ambivalenece. I think that is where she is. I also sense that you feel a bit more in control of you and the sitch. You are doing great. (((HUGS)))
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
If you don't read part 1.. this may not make alot of sense.
So I called my mom to tell her how it went. We talked about how w could turn at any minute or this new w could be true. Only time will tell and only with God's help.
And as I was talking... I got mad. I screamed. I hit my steering wheel. Thankfully I had already parked my car
I have been praying for God to change w's heart. That the abuse would stop and she would just be nice to me.. And then when it happens.. I'm pissed!
And through this realization.. I lost it. I broke down and wept on the phone to my mother because I had realized my truth.
I say I want my w to get better... but ONLY if that means she comes back to me.
I'm angry that she is working on parts of her life besides our part rather than applaud the fact she is working on her life period.
I'm not letting go of my pain and using it to portray w in a negative light. I can't look at an event for what it is.. I try to twist it to a negative. I do this as a defense mechanism because for the longest time.. when I hoped with w, I was let down.
That means I'm not living "from this day forward".. I'm staying in the past.
Instead of Thanking God, I was mad at him. I sit there and say I want to love my w as god loves me. I want to love unconditionally....
...but I'm getting in the way of that. I don't love my wife as much as I say.. otherwise I wouldn't have these d@mn conditions.
So I don't know if I did the best at DBing yesterday.. but I know now what I do need to work on with her.
Because in my heart, I do want my w to be happy and healthy. If I was a b!tch.. I wouldn't have applauding her changes at all. I just need to get over myself and my hurt. I need to let go.
I need to be more humble. Yeah... I am changing. I feel that.. but I'm NOT doing it alone. Therefore if my w's heart is softening, if she is changing I have very little to do with it.
Get off your d@mn high horse Val!
Be thankful. Be thankful that there was NO abuse yesterday. No words of hate or anger. Be thankful that she gave me back the $500. Be thankful that she is respecting my space to figure out the car. Be thankful that the idea of splitting the car is 50/50 which is a very different place than she was at in mediation 6 wks ago.
Be thankful that she is changing Be thankful that I am changing and whether or not we get back together, our dynamic IS changing.
I'm not beating myself up here.. just realizing where I need to grow. I don't think I can stop this D.. but that's not really the point anymore.
I don't need to be married or with my w to unconditionally love her.
I don't need to be married or with my w to change our dynamic.
I don't need to be married or with my w to become a better wife.
I feel like this may be a huge change of perspective for me. One that will surely be hard to see at times, but one I think will be an awesome way to heal.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Everything you said made sense to me, and from your perspective on things I can understand how you would feel the way that you are feeling.
I think you experienced a real moment of self-confrontation there, and those can be painful. But lets face it - even acknowledging those things exist can only come from a good place in you.
So you take another step in your journey to becoming the woman you want to become. It never ends, so embrace that and be happy your feet are moving in the right direction.
Love is, as you note, a choice. And there are so many ways of thinking about love.. so many. And so many things we call love that are really about something else. Can they all exist together? I think so, if we recognize them for what they are.
And so much responsibility for that choice lies within us. Maybe you and your W never reconnect.. but perhaps the strength to love her outside of how it relates to you gives you the power to more fully love all, and in turn more fully love someone in the future. It seems to me that one thing is clear, you DO want to love.
You are growing - maybe you aren't where you thought you were just yet but that's no reason not to keep going.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Val, IMO you have just had more positive exchanges with your W than I have had with mine in the last year.
Why should wood swing?
I think it was very admirable the way you conducted yourself.
It is normal to have stress and emotive reactions after, getting them out is healthy.
You’ve had epiphanies. Give yourself time to process them and adjust to the new information.
It seems as though she has also grown a bit.
Friendship is not a bad thing so long as neither is sacrificing for it. Friendship is a better R than the one where we are bickering over who keeps the couch and coffee table.
As much as the separation s*cks it is an R of sorts, dialing down the rhetoric and anger is a small positive step to better. Providing an environment for friendly positive exchanges is another small step. If a friendship begins and can be nourished it is a step on the path to better also.
There is a mantra in my professional life it relates to change and patience. “Do not let best get in the way of better”.
Too often with any change people strive so hard to get best, they lose sight of better. They will accept nothing less than best. In doing so they fail to use better as the resting step it is along the path of continuous improvement and they fail. They fail to have the patience to use better to get to best.
What represents best to you? I finally dropped my rope when I realized my best did not need my W. I want her there but I do not need her there for my “best”
Do not let best get in the way of better Peace & ((()))
It seems incredibly odd to me that an old grunt should be wishing peace and hugs, but perhaps that is a 180 also.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
