Have a friend going through a rough time with her H and recommended this website/book to her. So far it looks like she's making progress already. Thought I would share a bright spot!
Personally I am stressing today, lots of anxiety. Had a not-so-great encounter with H yesterday that left me in a bad place. He was very cold and bitter, no idea why. Mentioned he wanted to work on something this weekend to see D more, and it feels ominous.
I have a feeling the in-laws are coming and that might be the catalyst here. I know he needs to see her more and that it would be good for her. But the last time we discussed visitation things blew up and he started making threats, so this is not something I really want to do again.
Thanks for sharing the positive news! Always nice to hear!
Sorry about the rough encounter with H yesterday. I know it sounds cliche around here, but the more you detach, the less those kinds of encounters will bother you. As many situations as I've followed, it just seems to be cyclical. Unfortunately, the pendulum's swung the other way. Also, unfortunately, the visitation thing is a necessary evil. It's a good thing y'all are discussing it. Try your best to be as diplomatic and cooperative as possible. That's not say that you let him just come in and dictate what he wants, making threats, etc. - there should be some negotiation. Think of it as an opportunity to show him / remind him how the two of you can work together on something.
Again, unfortunately you can't control the IL's influence. You'll just have to roll with the punches. If you're around them, DB them as well.
Thanks, JB, isn't it nice to hear some good news once in a while? It gives me hope, and makes me feel GREAT that I may have had some teeny-tiny role in making her feel better about her sitch.
Big surprise yesterday after I posted. H calls and was just his usual cold self. I guess maybe I was feeling detached, because I just wasn't having it. He asked me if I thought he was out of line, and I politely said yes, I don't think I've given you any reason to treat me that way. And I told him I needed to go, I had stuff to do. He was clearly upset that I didn't want to talk. Told him I would call him when D went to bed.
A couple of hours later I get a text- 'got a sec?'. I call him, and he asks me to dinner. We had previously talked about getting together to talk, and he says maybe we can do that. I wasn't sure whether to be excited or scared, but I agreed to go.
Soooo , we go to dinner, and at first he's still stand-offish but we were having a nice time. I waited for him to say something and he finally asks me what I want to talk about. I just told him he seemed to have a lot of questions before for me, and we never have an opportunity to discuss them without interruptions.
It ended up being some more venting/validating talk. He did say (unsolicited from me) that he still loved me. And that he 'can't go back'. I told him I can't either, that I also do not want to go back to what we had. He also brought up the changes he has seen in me, but he doesn't trust that things will be different. I told him if that's what he believes then he is right, it won't be.
I don't agree, but right now that's his reality. I still think he's trying to convince himself, and now he's questioning his resolve. I hope so, anyway. I think I did pretty well not pushing or pursuing.
Kept thinking to myself, time + consistent change. Not enough time yet.
On another note, I think I did DB the mil a little yesterday. Emailed her and offered her a GC for a restaurant I had over in her area. She emailed me back and thanked me for it.
Got some GALing planned for later today, family day at church, then have some family coming over for the football game. Looking forward to it, hope everyone has a great day!
Saturday turned out completely uneventful. H called late while I was at church, called him back and we talked for a few minutes. Glad he called while I was GALing. There was one small gesture I thought was nice. When he initially texted me it was him asking if he could talk to D. Then he sent another one that said 'and you, too'. I did have fun at church, and D loved it.
Today H texted back and forth with me a bit and then asked to talk to D. He did, we talked about this and that for a minute, and then my spidey-sense started tingling that he was getting a bit irritated (not sure why) so I made up an excuse to get off the phone.
That's been my MO of late, any time he starts getting cranky I beat a path to get away from him. Hope that's the right thing to do?
Thank you for dropping by my latest thread in Piecing and for offering your words of support. I have read through your threads and definitely see some similarities in our situations! I also see that your husband is still emotionally invested in your marriage on some level, so you have great reason to hope that things can improve. THAT is why it's so important that you keep DB'ing like a rock star! I personally think you are doing great. My advice to you is to continue working on detachment and toward your own personal goals and to keep up the great GAL. It took a long time for detachment to "kick in" for me, but once it did, real change in MY life began to happen. I know that even if my marriage wouldn't have been saved, I would still be a better lc4 on the other side of this storm.
Any time you feel like things are completely hopeless, just read through my thread again! It took us hitting rock bottom - as a couple and as individuals - to start making the climb back up. If we can make it, anyone can!
Take care, and know that I'm praying for you. hugs, lc4
I really like this and wish I could have used those very words when I got "Why now?"
He asks me why all of this now? Told him losing him was the hardest experience of my life, and I never want to experience something like that again, therefore change is inevitable.
ROMB, I still think you're doing a great job DB'ing! Good to see you're DB'ing other family members as well
From what I can see, I would agree with lc4 - your H is still emotionally invested in the M to some extent. I think he is still on the self convincing pattern. And I think you're doing the right thing by shutting down the conversation when it starts going South. You're not taking the bait. At that point, probably nothing good is going to come out of the conversation.
I am also pleased to see that lc4 paid you a visit. I, too, see some of the similarities in the situations.
Ic4, thanks so much for the support and especially the prayers. Your sitch gives me hope that change is possible!
Ajay, so glad you found something you could use in my sitch. That is the great thing about this MB, we all learn so much just reading other threads. I know I have, both about myself and how to handle situations when they come up.
Thanks, edgarb, its great to hear some positive feedback. Sometimes its hard to see it when you're 'in' it.
JB, I always look forward to your feedback. You are such a positive force of nature, and I am so grateful for your friendship and prayers!
I've been out of town this past week, so I really didn't think I'd have a lot to post when I got back.
I was wrong.
The day before I left D was not feeling well, so I texted H to let him know I didn't think she should go to soccer that day. Offered to meet him later for dinner or something so he could see her before we left. His solution? Asked me to drive her down to his work (an hour and change away). It was an already packed day, I didn't want to waste my gas since I'm pretty much broke right now, but I agreed.
He was totally cold to me, and got irritated when I checked my phone as he was talking to D. When we left he basically didn't even tell me good bye. I was really sad about that, I hate leaving on a trip on bad terms. When I talked to him later I told him that, and it ended up being one of those conversations I try to avoid. He says that while he is 'done', he still has lots of questions as to why this all happened between us.
He did tell me he still loves me, again. I have to admit it made me very emotional. It ended with me telling him I accept his position, although I don't agree with it. He keeps saying his coldness when I see him is because its hard for him. He thinks it will help him detach (not his exact words, but the message in a nutshell). I told him I would have D keep in contact with him on the trip, and he didn't have to talk to me. He backpeddled a little, saying, 'well, we'll just play that by ear'.
Its a weird push/pull with him.
I started reading 5LL on the trip, great book!!! Love it, and it really opened my eyes to some things I coulda/woulda/shoulda done. I did mention to H that sometime I would like to pick his brain a little about some things I read. He was very curious as to what insight I thought I had gained, told him I was just trying to learn from my mistakes, and that no matter what happens it will serve me well in my future.
Next day: H blows up at me because he didn't think I was scolding D enough. She's been sick and a little grouchy, and just doesn't want to talk on the phone much. H says that's my fault. He also said I presented this trip (its been on the books since early summer) with a false pretense, and had he known he would have never paid for it. I was really irritated with him, so I politely got off the phone in a hurry. He did send some nasty grams, but I DBd them.
He had to add as well, 'things are the same as they ever were'.
Basically, the entire trip was H trying to make me mad, start a fight, talk about where we went wrong, etc. I tried to validate where I could, and I at one point asked him, if you're so 'done' why do you keep having these conversations with me? If you find out the 'why' and its an acceptable explanation, how will that change things for you?
I know, I know, shouldn't have said it. There is no point trying to reason with a currently unreasonable person. Not the DB way. I'm afraid my patience is wearing thin right now, and my anxiety is building about the holidays.
We have not discussed Tday plans yet. At all. I'm waiting for him to bring them up, because quite frankly, I'm afraid to.
One small positive. He did end up apologizing after calling me a liar yesterday. Basically this came up because he said I wasn't consistently treating D's cold. I took offense to this, because its a load of crap. I know he was baiting me, but don't you dare say I wasn't taking proper care of my child. There, I draw the line. I think he knew he went too far.
Hoping and praying for a better week. Any prayers and positive thoughts sent my way are greatly appreciated! I am going to a divorce care 'surviving the holidays' class this week, and I really hope it helps.
It took us hitting rock bottom - as a couple and as individuals - to start making the climb back up. If we can make it, anyone can!