This has been the absolutely worst week of my life. The love of my life has told me she no longer wants to be married to me. Today is Thursday and she dropped this bomb on Saturday night. Here is our story. I'll try not ramble, but it may still be a long post.
I'm 46, she's 42. We've been together for 24 years and married 17 of those. We have three beautiful children, 10, 7 & 5.
The ongoing issues between us for the majority of those years has been her lack of sex drive, my apparent lack of support for her ideas because of my desire to play devils advocate, dysfunctional arguing (yelling, never satisfying and going to bed angry), and finally her lack of trust that she could ever depend on me in any serious way.
The last couple of years I've been working, successfully I think, to reduce my passion when arguing and fully supporting her ideas without taking the wind from her sails. The point being that I think I know where I am in my life and where I want to go; improving myself, and trying to be the best husband and father I can possibly be.
I come from a large family with parents that stayed together. My wife not so lucky, with her mom taking her and her brother and sister away when she was only about 11 (the oldest).
After moving home about 9 years ago, leaving basically two normal jobs, we now have an extremely, extremely busy life. The kids of course plus; I have a 40+ hrs/week job as a general mgr, together we own a small farm, a complimentary business which she mostly runs, she has taken on even much more, working with the grade school, started a growers co-op, working on grants and studies. She has an engineering degree and has for several years now been quite disappointed that she's not in a "successful career" and would have trouble utilizing her degree given the time that has past. She is extremely smart, strong and independent. Her plate is very very full.
Interestingly enough, this last summer has been one of the best for us on record. She has been very happy, has a great body self image, and there has been a ton of affection between us barely seen since we were in college. It has been wonderful for me and I really felt her love - a look, a touch, a compliment and of course more sex.
Recently, the last couple of weeks she was not feeling well, sinus infection and coughing. Plus with some traveling and a hectic schedule we didn't have much meaningful conversation and little affection. Over the years, when we haven't been able to spend any quality time like this, I try to always tell her that I love her and not only in those words. Something I've also said has been I miss you. This wasn't only when actually gone but if there was some aspect of our relationship missing, including, but definitely not always, sex. It turns out this was an inflammatory phrase and I never knew it. It was the catalyst this time.
When I said it this time, she figured I meant sex. She's sick and I never would have meant that, it hurts me even to think she'd go there. But given the number of years it's been an issue for us I can understand why she did. However it must have been like a slap in the face given how great our summer has been. I can imagine she was thinking "it's never enough is it".
One more note before relating the big talk. There has been an old boyfriend of hers in the picture. I've always tried to be open to her having close friends regardless of gender. However with this guy, they dated in high school, she went out with him when we broke up for short time in college, and she has lengthy talks (1 hr+) almost daily and usually when one of is not at home. She is adamant that this relationship has nothing to do with what is going on with us.
Saturday night she told me that her plate is too full, she need to clean it off, and because of my comments, it includes me as well. I think my heart stopped. She thinks that we'll wait out the rest of the school year and then she's moving away with the kids. I'm devastated, as I feel I've done nothing wrong, at least to this extent. I'm sure there are more things I need to work on and I'm willing to do that, and have proven it in the last couple of years. She is adamantly opposed to going to counseling with me.
I found this site during my sleepless nights this week, and have found some success in just reading the information available here. I just got the DB book and will begin reading the other chapters during my wakeful moments tonight.
There are more details, and other significant events in our history. But this pretty much sums it up.
I love her madly, I worship my kids. I want us back. And I want us moving forward, learning new tools for dealing with the issues that drag us down. I just don't know how to get there. And I'm sure it won't happen fast enough for my mr. fixit attitude.
I don't think I really understand what her issues with you are- what does she say the problem is? What are her complaints? I read what YOU think the problems are, but what would SHE say?
As I was reading through, my questions were EXACTLY the same as realormakebeliev's. We see things so clearly through our own eyes, but our partner has a completely different experience.
Your fastest way to working through things, is tell the story from her experience. Begin. You will find you can't (if you think you can, you are missing it, because you need to dig, and ask, and LISTEN).
When you LISTEN, listen to the WHOLE picture, not just her words. Do listen to her words, but pay attention to her nonverbals.
The tools are what you need, the skillset. Have you read Divorce Remedy? I recommend that or the Keeping Love Alive MP3 (depending on whether you learn best by reading or listening).
In the meantime, what you focus on expands. What are the good things between you at this point in time?
garwaye--I'm making some notes here about the places where you need to pay attention, dig deeper or make some changes.
Originally Posted By: garwayne
Hello,
This has been the absolutely worst week of my life. The love of my life has told me she no longer wants to be married to me. Today is Thursday and she dropped this bomb on Saturday night. Here is our story. I'll try not ramble, but it may still be a long post.
I'm 46, she's 42. We've been together for 24 years and married 17 of those. We have three beautiful children, 10, 7 & 5.
The ongoing issues between us for the majority of those years has been her lack of sex drivewhen did this begin, is it always or ongoing, or when she's tired, etc, ... how do you react?, my apparent lack of support for her ideas because of my desire to play devils advocatehow would SHE describe this, dysfunctional arguing (yellingwho? whyu do you call this dysfunctional, never satisfying always? and going to bed angrywhy is this a problem--why strike while the iron is HOT--do you and your W have different arguing styles? What do you need here? What does SHE need here----HERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY FOR REAL GIVING--DO THINGS HER WAY), and finally her lack of trust that she could ever depend on me in any serious way.
The last couple of years I've been working, successfully I thinkwhat does SHE think, to reduce my passion when arguing and fully supporting her ideas without taking the wind from her sails does SHE FEEL supported?. The point being that I think I know where I am in my life and where I want to go; improving myself, and trying to be the best husband and father I can possibly be.
I come from a large family with parents that stayed together. My wife not so lucky, with her mom taking her and her brother and sister away when she was only about 11 (the oldest).
After moving home about 9 years ago, leaving basically two normal jobs, we now have an extremely, extremely busy life. The kids of course plus; I have a 40+ hrs/week job as a general mgr, together we own a small farm, a complimentary business which she mostly runs, she has taken on even much more, working with the grade school, started a growers co-op, working on grants and studies. She has an engineering degree and has for several years now been quite disappointed that she's not in a "successful career" and would have trouble utilizing her degree given the time that has past. She is extremely smart, strong and independent. Her plate is very very full.
Interestingly enough, this last summer has been one of the best for us on record. She has been very happy, has a great body self image, and there has been a ton of affection between us barely seen since we were in college. It has been wonderful for me and I really felt her love - a look, a touch, a compliment and of course more sex.
Recently, the last couple of weeks she was not feeling well, sinus infection and coughing. Plus with some traveling and a hectic schedule we didn't have much meaningful conversation and little affection. Over the years, when we haven't been able to spend any quality time like this, I try to always tell her that I love her and not only in those words. Something I've also said has been I miss you. This wasn't only when actually gone but if there was some aspect of our relationship missing, including, but definitely not always, sex. It turns out this was an inflammatory phrase and I never knew it. It was the catalyst this time.
When I said it this time, she figured I meant sex. She's sick and I never would have meant that, it hurts me even to think she'd go there. But given the number of years it's been an issue for us I can understand why she did. However it must have been like a slap in the face given how great our summer has been. I can imagine she was thinking "it's never enough is it".
One more note before relating the big talk. There has been an old boyfriend of hers in the picture. I've always tried to be open to her having close friends regardless of gender. However with this guy, they dated in high school, she went out with him when we broke up for short time in college, and she has lengthy talks (1 hr+) almost daily and usually when one of is not at home. She is adamant that this relationship has nothing to do with what is going on with us.
Saturday night she told me that her plate is too full, she need to clean it off, and because of my comments, it includes me as well. I think my heart stopped. She thinks that we'll wait out the rest of the school year and then she's moving away with the kids. I'm devastated, as I feel I've done nothing wrong, at least to this extent. I'm sure there are more things I need to work on and I'm willing to do that, and have proven it in the last couple of years. She is adamantly opposed to going to counseling with me.
I found this site during my sleepless nights this week, and have found some success in just reading the information available here. I just got the DB book and will begin reading the other chapters during my wakeful moments tonight.
There are more details, and other significant events in our history. But this pretty much sums it up.
I love her madly, I worship my kids. I want us back. And I want us moving forward, learning new tools for dealing with the issues that drag us down. I just don't know how to get there. And I'm sure it won't happen fast enough for my mr. fixit attitude.
Thanks for reading.
I stopped making comments halfway through, because I think it's enough to absorb. Let's work on that much first.
You are right, it won't happen fast enough for your MR.FIXIT attitude. But what you are doing ISN'T working, so if you keep at it, it will be broken. Start out slow, work through the steps--You will gain momentum and perhaps be able to fix it with tools that will allow you to KEEP IT FIXED
Hi there, Thanks for the couple of replies, but I must admit I am a little confused. Those descriptions are hers, and mine. These are the things we have discussed many times over and over. I think the tech provided by the db will help me learn ways to not respond in the same ways and do some things differently. But for me this provides little insight into how to deal with her ea and her career desires.
OK, GW... hopefully I can help with a bit of clarity, although what ROMB and dbmod provided above are things that you will want to revisit...
Understand that bomb drops have usually been in the works for a while. So your W has probably been stewing about how, when, and whether to tell you that she's "done" for months if not years. And when there's an A (whether E(motional) or P(hysical)) as is in your case, you can probably be sure that this has been going on longer than you think or is MORE than you think.
You are past the "work on things" stage as your W has dropped the bomb. So your DBing efforts (the things to help "save" you and your M) need to be a little more reflective.
There is very little you can do about the OM, because what we find is that generally speaking, the spouse in an A will either deny it, downplay it, or go further underground with it. But your W will either believe your drove her to it, or she isn't actually doing anything wrong, since in her mind, your M is over...
The more you resist what SHE wants, the less effective you will be at DBing.
Many LBS in your situation find the best results are when the LBS works on themselves and becomes a better H, father, person... one only a fool would leave...
You sound like you have been working on yourself, but if you read your initial post, you might notice that most of this stuff is focused on your W.
The best sales technique is the take away.
If you become a fantastic guy, functioning in an independent way (not dating or anything, but just living single for the most part) your W WILL notice and may begin to question why she would leave such a great guy...
"If you become a fantastic guy, functioning in an independent way (not dating or anything, but just living single for the most part) your W WILL notice and may begin to question why she would leave such a great guy..."
I've noticed, as a whole, this does seem to work often. (In different ways though but...) This can sometimes take a little time but as a whole it does seem to do something.
For me, I may not have won out on with my sitch but many others have. Check it out...
(Just a reminder, I haven't posted much in the last six years. Mostly a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...)
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Yes, that does make sense. I've gotten a sense of this in the last several days as I read through the forums, the site, and getting my way through DB.
Given the summer we just had I hate thinking that its been brewing for a long time. But I need to keep that in perspective because a long time is actually years that apparently those few months didn't have the affect I may have thought.
It is still crazy to me though that she knows I've been changing in the last couple of years, that I can look within, and most importantly, that I want to. She knows that I want to be the best husband, father, and person that I can be. We've discussed this during the few fights we've hand in the last couple of years. So given that, given the importance we place on our children, it hurts so much to see her unwilling to explore professional help. I cannot understand the willingness to put our children through the pain that is sure to come.
If a friend was about to make a huge mistake shouldn't she be called on it?
I should have an equal say in what happens with our children.
The craziness and unfairness is really tough for me to swallow.
Well, we finally had another talk last night about this situation. She seemed somewhat annoyed/angry that we haven't talked about it since last weekend. She asked me if I was trying to "wait her out" until she changed her mind. I told her it didn't have anything to do with her, that it had to do with me needing to work on myself. I've been at a place in my life for a couple of years now where I'm much more willing to look within myself to see where I need to make changes to make myself and our marriage happier. She is aware of this because of changes I've already made. And I told her about the counseling session I'll be having this morning. I told her that I've learned a lot about what it can be like (from MWD, DB) and that I really want to share some of what I've learned about that but I said I wasn't ready and didn't think she was either. She didn't really say anything but at least she was listening.
She is expecting me to help her plan how the kids get told and how she get out of here. I told her that we have two different goals for the oytcome of this and that I wasn't going to help do anything that I know will hurt the kids. She didn't get angry with me and then we talked about some of the upcoming plans we had already made including thanksgiving, she wants to go to her parents alone to tell them what's going on. I hate that we'd be doing the holidays apart, but at least I'll have the kids with me. I also hate that I won't be involved in the conversations she'll be having with various members of her family. I am close to them as well and wish I could let them know my goals to not end this marriage.
I realise it's been only a week, but it's so hard trying to be strong, and not yet seeing any sign of her changing her mind.
