Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Yes, thank god AIDS is no longer as huge of a concern. Our D10's class is good. They used AIDS as the example because it is the most serious but didn't overly dwell on it.

And, as much as I wish OW had AIDS :-), she probably doesn't. (kidding, I'm not even that bad)

I'm struggling a bit right now...been just over a day since I've heard from H and I am not going to initiate contact. He's likely not coming home this weekend (mostly due to work because I think OW is scheduled to have her kids). But, hasn't told me yet and I'm now putting myself in the position where I need to act like I don't care so I won't ask. He's scheduled to be there again next week which feels like a long time for him to be away.

I guess from a positive perspective, maybe me staying "dark" will make him miss me. It just seems hard to believe right now.

Okay, time to start thinking about this weekend and how I get through it...definitely not super easy to make plans when you have 3 kids!

[Nblost]

H called tonight at 6:10 pm (I am home every night by 6:00 to relieve our nanny). He talked to the kids for a bit and then we had a upbeat, light conversation. He is coming home Sunday for at least a day or two. His work stuff is going crazy.

He stays silent now about the A but I don't ask any questions or ask what he is doing/where he is.

The good news is he now has a close friend working with him when he is in OW's city. They work late hours/very intensely so I am hoping his friend provides him with some distraction/company while he is there.

Hanging in there and I made it through today without initiating any contact!

[25yearsmlc]

babybsteps count! Good!

Any GAL?

GAL Things are not just things to do to make you look mysterious and interesting, though that's a good thing. But it helps YOU feel better and obsess less and meeting new people helps a lot.

Try to think of ONE class or seminar to attend or ONE club or organization to join this week... you'll be glad you did.

Keep on keeping on...have you read the div remedy book?

PLEASE do so asap.

[Nblost]

Yep, I have read the DR book. I need to keep reading and rereading. I also have a copy of the LRT pages that my IC gave me. I keep them in my purse and take them out periodically to read.

I will take one day at a time. I do know I won't make it like this for very long...but I am okay with that. I think for my H...having to face moving out and more reality of what he has done could really help. He's in a high profile job, our families will be very disappointed (we both have parents who have been married 45+ years), and our mutual friends will be very sad. We are both the kind of people where our friends think we are a great match and we both got lucky to find each other...

And, if it doesn't help...then I know I wuld have waited years and I don't want to do that. It isn't fair to me or the kids.

I would recommend the book Torn Asunder to anyone in this situation as well. Very good book about why affairs happen and how the betrayed spouse shares the blame.

[Nblost]

Ugh, probably blew it a bit on the DB front. H was supposed to originally come home on Friday from his work trip. He informed me on Thursday that he would probably be home instead on Sunday. I believe from his lack of contact that he was with OW.

We texted briefly last night and I was upbeat (at a movie with the kids). Today though (Sunday), I texted to ask if he knew what flight he was on. He wrote back that he was maybe going to fly standby, but if he did...he'd be stuck at the airport if he didn't make the flight (for about 5 hours until the flight he is ticketed on which gets him home after the kids are in bed) He then didn't respond to let me know if he was going to try to fly standby.

I wrote him another text and let him know it is hard when he doesn't communicate and the kids are asking when he'll be home and he won't respond. I also let him know he could stay there since he likely has to turn around and go right back again.

He said "I'm coming home tonight and don't have to go back until Tuesday morning". That means he will be home for one day, Monday...which is a weekday when all of us go our separate directions.

I know I should be happy he is coming home and I didn't really attack him. Just a slap in the face (nothing new!) that he has so little regard for me and the kids.

I was feeling more detached but now the pain is back. I will get into a good mood to see him tonight...but this "I don't know when I'll be home" stuff makes me wonder if I would be better off if he was just gone.

I do know it's better he isn't in the house every day...allows me to do my own thing and work on myself. I did GAL last night--went to a new church for a family potluck and then took the kids to a movie.

I am also venting to a couple friends...

[Nblost]

H called...must have left OW's house. He offered to try to get an earlier flight, otherwise, he is going to take care of a couple things and then come home tonight. He will still only be home a day.

Okay conversation...I asked how he was doing and he said, "Fine, tired".

I will get into a fun, better mood by the time he gets back tonight.

[kml]

Here's where Act AS IF is really valuable.

You see, you're making some assumptions about his weekend (he was having a fabulous romantic time with OW). And while that MIGHT be true, if you BEHAVE as if that's what you believe, you might screw things up if what REALLY happened was one of these scenarios instead:

1) Maybe he had a crummy time with OW who was clingy and pushed him into staying when he really missed his kids

2) Maybe there was some honestly legitimate work excuse and he's been working hard

3) Maybe he just spent the weekend breaking up with OW and is coming home to tell you he wants to reconcile (maybe not the most likely, but it could happen!)

If you KNEW that 1, 2, or 3 was true, you would be happy and perky when he came home, right? But what if 1,2, or 3 was true and he came home to you being grumpy from assuming he just had a romantic time? It would likely mess things up, right?

On the other hand, if that's really what happened, but he comes home to happy perky you, it still might make him rethink things. So - always a better choice to Act As If things are okay, in this kind of situation.

(P.S. I would "stage" the house - music on, glass of wine, dancing around the kitchen making dinner - whatever it takes to make it look like the cozy warm happy place he should be missing)

[Nblost]

Thanks kml!

I posted a pic of the kids on FB and he commented on how cute they looked.

Very good suggestions on acting "as if"...for some reason, it is hard for me to think of any possibilities except that they are constantly locked in a passionate embrace. :-)

He made a flight that should get him home around 8:30. He is a premier flyer but is in the last row middle seat. Yes, I secretly will take pleasure in that...

[Nblost]

He came home just before the kids bedtime. I had a nice dinner prepared and we ate together. We essentially "act" like nothing is wrong and I didn't mention any issues or ask any questions about the weekend. When we went to bed, we had the same kind of "interlude" like the past two weekends where he seems into me from a sexual perspective (but no sex). We then fall asleep together.

I think he has been busy with work, but I also believe he still sees OW (hasn't said he isn't and keeps his phone, etc fully locked up). Also, I saw receipts in his briefcase for hotels during the week but not on the weekend.

I don't think I will bring up anything at all about the affair or our R before he leaves again tomorrow. He is promising to be back on Friday for D8's belated birthday party (poor girl had her actual bday at the end of July right when the A started).

I guess I am hoping he is coming around...and I have read that men who don't leave their wives within the first 3 months of an affair (just crossed that mark)...usually don't...especially if there are kids involved. I guess I need to believe in this to give our marriage a shot. He also has some crazy work travel coming up where I don't think he'll be able to see either of us very easily.

(I obviously also have concerns that he is going silent on the affair to keep me in the dark and have his cake/eat it too...or, he's busy right now and doesn't want to deal with divorce crap)

Trying to stay strong and stay positive!

[keep_going]

Nbolst

I am in a similar situation as you - H is in an affair with OW who lives out of town, except that my H left almost a year ago...

OW is actually a client and they go to work conventions together or when she comes to town for work. I confronted him months ago and since then, he has not really hidden any trips he does to visit her. We have 3 kids under the age of 4, so we are in constant communication.

My situation is more desperate than yours in that my H has admitted being in love with OW, wants a D and to start fresh with her. In your case, you and your H are taking some baby steps in renewing your R and strengthening your intimacy.

I would love to have any indication from my H that he is even attracted to me, but all he wants is to be friends, so he won't even let me hug him at times.

So hang in there... definitely concentrate on yourself. I have noticed I am more at peace when I focus on GAL. And everything that 25 has said is such good advice. Re-read Michelle's books and come to the forums often. I find myself always feeling better after I do.

I am also going to counseling - used a DB coach that was great and now through an anger management therapist.

I am not as strong as I thought - I go through a lot of backsliding, but I am NOT giving up, even when it really seems like my M is over. I will continue trying until I have to sign those D papers. He can file if he wants. In the meantime, I am getting up and trying again to be better - for me and for my kids - one day at a time.

So hang in there and continue dbing. You can do this!