Living with groundlessness

[~ kd ~]

Sent u a req on the alt, Antonia...

[AntoniaB]

hey Kaffe Diem, I just accepted it :-)

Well XH went back into his tunnel. I'm almost relieved.

I sent him a note last night to thank him for his courage in coming here and facing me and the house under such devastating circumstances...you know, acknowledge the good they do and thank them for it. I also sent pics of the new things I added to the gravesite, a little cat statue and a solar light so the area glows at night. I said that earlier that night I'd been out to my favorite bar/restaurant and I had had a glass of champagne and sat with the staff when they closed and we toasted the cat's life. I also bought champagne on the way home, and I had a bottle of it on the grave, and a glass, (which was in the pic I sent him) because I drank a toast to his life last night. The other two things I said in the email were that I would not intrude on his life, but that if he was having difficulty grieving, he could contact me via email to talk about the cat, and I'd be there for him. The only thing I said that pertained to "us" was that I always had the instinct to contact him when I did something new, outside my old comfort zone, and that he probably felt the same (I know this to be true, actually), and that he should know that when he makes a change for himself that helps him become self-reliant, that I'm proud of him.

So I got back an email today and I think from it, he's back in the tunnel. It was nice but detached.

He basically said that he was glad that I let him come to help, and that the cat was a sweet little boy. He said "by the way you and I share the same profile photo of him on FB currently." He also said "that part about sitting with the staff after hours at the bar is really cool; I always wanted to be a regular somewhere, and apparently you have achieved that." He said that it was good that I was making my life my own as well, and he signed it "enjoy your weekend."

I thought it was interesting that he saw my profile pic...means he had to go look for it as we aren't FB friends. Obviously he wanted me to know that he had the cat up and not him and his GF right now.

He kind of ignored everything else I said and honed in on the fact that I was becoming friendly with the staff at a bar enough to be invited to stay after hours with them...and almost sounded wistful that that was me there and not him. (Years ago he used to say how much he wished there waa a local place where he could become a regular but we live out pretty far...this place is a good 15 min. drive from my house).

I think I expected the detachment and it shows me that he is MLC still...the trauma made him come out, now he's back in...he's a great actor, always was. Was the tearful act an act with me? Or is THIS the act. I guess I hope that this is the act and what I saw in person was real.

I think in the end it becomes easier for me to detach when he is detached, though, so it's probably for the best that he went back in his tunnel. This makes me wonder if I should offer that video. If I do, I will wait awhile before doing it.

[AJM]

Can I say Antonia, that I see the change in you? The things you talk about, even though I've been following your thread for such a short time, has very certainly shifted. For the better.

What you are doing, I suggest you keep doing. I'm sorry for your loss of the cat, but I'm glad for the shift in you. It's been a long time coming, no?

Your compassion is admirable. Your kindness is above and beyond. I wholeheartedly commend that and think it will be the best thing for you in the long term. You are on the road to wellness. Keep it up!

AJ

[AntoniaB]

He AJ, thanks so much for saying that. I can "feel" differently all I want, but if someone outside me sees it in the things I'm saying or my actions, then it's not just me convincing myself but it's real.

I was reading about PTSD the other day when the cat first died because I was having all sorts of flashback-like symptoms to the time XH dropped the bomb. I read that the brain gets in a trauma loop, and it replays the trauma and the feeling of being a victim for up to years, and that often if the trauma is truly significant, the only way to break the loop (as it's a set of mind-body responses that are involuntary) is to confront the same sort of trauma in a clinical setting, usually led by a doctor/therapist, but to this time face the trauma and negotiate the way out. That breaks the chain of auto responses.

I truly believe that the death of this particular cat was a catalyst to me breaking the loop. Yes, I have felt in many ways like I am reliving the bomb drop. In fact I made an appt with my doctor and that's the reason I cited for going back after a 5 month break from sessions. I am re-experiencing all the emotions of the bomb drop and the feelings when I'm alone in my house. BUT. There is a shift.

The bomb drop caused me such trauma that I went into despair and suicidal thoughts. I had every range of emotions, but the emotion of being a victim was most dominant, the pull of ending it all bigger than anything else.

THIS time, the primary emotion is not victimhood. I'm not saying it's not there, or that I haven't thought "woe is me" or "why me" or "haven't I faced enough already while he just runs around carefree." But those emotions aren't in control. The emotion that IS in control this time is picking myself up and asking what am I supposed to be learning from this experience.

Despite feeling exactly the same as far as the insomnia, instant weight loss of 5 pounds in 5 days, and fixation on the events of the past few days, I got myself out of the house every day this week and did yard work, or went shopping, or went out to dinner. Today I finally slept and when I got up I cleaned my kitchen. After bomb drop I used every dish in the house and let it all pile up for days and days.

What I said when I was cleaning was "you've got to put it all back together again. And then it's going to fall apart again. And then you rebuild again. You don't have a choice. This is life."

I think I'm handling the death of the cat FAR better than I would have before only because I know for sure there was nothing I could do to save him and because it seems to have had a huge effect in terms of my recovery....so yeah...I am intending to stay on this path.

[seeking answers]

Antonia,

I know we hear only one side of the various stories here, but from what you have shared I believe that your XH sounds like he's not carefree but carrying an extremely heavy burden through this.

You, like most of the LBS, are so far out in front of him in terms of growth, progress and healing.

After the initial trauma settles, most of us seem to dig in and start to uncover and own our parts in the breakdown of our marriages. We look at issues that would never even occur to us if this hadn't happened. We make connections and more of the puzzle pieces start to fall into place.

It appears that your XH is an avoider if possible. His pain is evident as he tries to out run it.

It caught up to him for a while because there was no escaping the loss of your kitty as he faced it head on. IMO it was probably the most honest he's been since his journey began. He's still on the rollercoaster of confusion and emotional turmoil as he deals with his choices and in some instances still tries to justify them.

Hard to tell from an email but it does sound like his mask that slipped while he peeked out of the tunnel is back in place for the time being.

I tend to think that the thoughts and feelings that are occurring to him are like a firestorm in his head.

I agree with AJ, Antonia. There is a definite change in you. Confidence, grace and dignity are displayed in your strength as you continue forward.

Congrats on your recent contact by the subject of your book. Very exciting stuff!

Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us.

[AntoniaB]

I agree with what you're saying, Seeking. He's justifying his choices by comparing only the last 2-3 years of our marriage to the honeymoon phase with OW. He SAYS he was happy the rest of the years, but in making his "life choice", those years never entered into the picture.

He grossly underestimated how "easy" it would be to walk away from me emotionally. He took almost no reminders of our life, and yet he says his biggest problem is learning how to quiet my influence on him or his thoughts of me in his head. He thinks if he puts enough distractions in his life I'll just recede into the background, but we all know it doesn't work that way.

My mom pointed out something interesting...he said that what made his life better than "before", was that he had a house and he had furniture and stuff to fill it, and friends. Um...he's just renting. And guess what? He had a house with me. And furniture. Before we were married, he had his own apartment. And furniture. And friends. I don't get why this would be the thing that gives him empowerment when he's been through it before, but I think that in the end he won't feel empowered, for one reason. He has yet to really establish a home for himself without being strongly influenced by his romantic partner. I helped him pick his apartment and furnish it when we were not married. She helped him pick his place and furnish it now, and I orchestrated the entire move from apt. to house 15 years ago because he was too scared to make the leap to mortgage.

What I'm seeing in him now is the old me. When his mask fell off (great way to put it) I could see anxiety, avoidance, fear, jumpiness, mood swings, someone depending very heavily on someone else to make their world right, the sense that there are some things that just are terrible (like his job) and if he just has the right woman, all the other troubles melt away.

That's old me, to a T. I guess that's why I feel so sorry for him. It will take something monumentally bad to wake him up out of that--I should know.

When we were separated prior to OW, he told me that one day on his way to work he was listening to a song where the lyrics went, "And now she knows it's like a curse, to find our chosen roles reversed, to unify my universe." He said he had to pull over because he was crying so hard and he didn't know why other than it must have been the lyrics.

I don't think that I am "old him", but I think that if we were together right now, I'd turn into old him, trying to protect him from himself and the world.

[kara]

Hi Antonia

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved cat. I am glad that your ex was there to help with saying goodbye.

I found your interaction with him telling in so many respects. First of all, your ex-H obviously has you in his head. He's admitted that you are always in his thoughts. It struck me that the LBS is told to GAL to distract themselves from the bomb and its effects. The WAS often GALs by embracing a new, hectic, alien on the go lifestyle. Does the WAS GAL in part to try to get the LBS out of their head? I believe so. They also try to distract themselves from addressing the enormity of their actions by GALing intensely whether it be by embracing new friends, a new look, new toys. My H made two lucid and telling statements to me (one shortly post-bomb and one about a year later) - "I suppose I am just making myself busy with trivial things so I don't have to think about us. It is just too painful otherwise." AND "I have to concentrate on other things. I can't afford to fall apart". And I could?

Another thing that struck me, perhaps in a catty way (no pun intended) is that your ex-H's OW is not at all secure. Even post divorce, she feels threatened by him going over to your house to say goodbye to your beloved cat? Really? I notice that OP like to keep the WAS on a short leash/tight rein...but that's not our concern.

Antonia, I hope you see that doors are opening up for you and that this is a new chapter in your life. You got some measure of closure. You faced this head-on and have emerged with great compassion and grace. I believe that there is someone out there who will love you truly, madly, deeply and who will be worthy of you. You are worthy and don't you forget it!

(((Hugs)))

[AntoniaB]

Kara, thanks for posting your H's comments...enlightening especially in the context of my situation. And I agree they are GALing too. My XH has often said "I feel regret/remorse/guilt but I can't let that dictate my choices now or my life now, I have to move on." I never thought about it till you said it above, but that is entirely the concept behind our GALing, only that we are saying "I feel hurt/betrayed/anger/loss but I can't let that dictate my life."

You are very right about OW. For her to "make him promise" that he "would not linger after the funeral", two phrases he used more than once when he was here, that's pretty deep insecurity. I said, "what does she think is going to happen, what does she have to be insecure about", and his only response was "well if you were her and I was going to see my ex-wife, you'd be insecure too." Awhile ago he took the pics of me off fb, I'm sure because they bothered her, but he never removed the pics that I took of him. There is a pic of him up that I took at least 8 years ago when we were on vacation. I would think that would bother her. And yet I mentioned that OW's girlfriend has about 10 pics up of OW with her ex on her wall, and he said that they have asked that girl repeatedly to take them down and she won't.

Here's my feeling. If I got involved with a new guy now, I would NEVER ask the guy to remove pics of his ex from his life if he wanted them out. I'd NEVER have jealousy over his past or feel insecurity if I believed that his relationship was over. I wouldn't get involved with someone who seemed to be tied emotionally to their past in the first place.

But this woman is jealous/insecure about me and any mere contact between us. The only thing that could fuel that insecurity or jealousy is if she is AWARE that XH is not entirely "hers." The fact that he says "I don't know that I will ever get married again" is significant. He wants her and says he loves her, but not fully enough to commit. Her lease was up this summer. She didn't move in with him.

I think he likes to think that this shows he has independence from her and she isn't "needy". But she is, if she's making him make a promise to her in a traumatic situation. And he broke that promise and was here for about 4 hours. She knows it doesn't take 4 hours to have a funeral. It will eat at her what we talked about because he'll lie. He'll never say he told me he would always love me or that he held me repeatedly. Or that I kissed him on the neck. Yep. I did it. No flinch ;-)

Eventually it will wear at her that he will not make a commitment. Does she really want to never marry herself? Doubtful. I'm walking around publishing my work with HIS last name, because I kept my married name. And she has no legal right to use that name unless he marries her. I think at some point she will expect an engagement, and maybe he will give in, but I don't know...I think he'll resist being tied down; his future and retirement are already SO deeply affected by what he lost in the divorce. If anything begins to cause friction with them, this is it.

Wow I really got off on the OW tangent there ;-)

But thanks Kara for your sentiments in the last paragraph. I do see doors opening and I do hope there will be someone who will be right for me some day.

[AntoniaB]

So XH and I are actually still talking via email...about the cat who died, and also I've finally offered to give him cds that are more "his" than mine. I just feel like I need to get some of this stuff out of the house. He's not waking up in any kind of near history if ever, and I'm not going to keep carrying a torch for a dead man, so to speak, and having the stuff here makes it feel like I'm "waiting." He's said he might be able to help financially with the cats' expenses, since I was hit really hard this past week (1100.00 bucks on 3 of them that were once "his"). If he does he does, if he doesn't, I'll have a giant ccard bill. Won't be the first time that has happened.

You know I can almost see a way to get him back....if I wanted it. Be his friend. Be his friend to the point where I accept OW.

But there is a part of me now and only now that says you know, maybe there is a man out there who will actually treat you better. Maybe there is a man who will not betray you or try to blame you when he is the one who is a mess (for the most part). I keep thinking of something Eric once said to me, "Do you want a man to pursue YOU?" Well...yeah. I do. And he's just not that man.

I looked through a lot of videos y-day trying to find the last best ones of our cat, and I was hit pretty hard in seeing video of he and I on vacation in just 2009, a mere months before bomb drop #1, and he looks and acts like he is PERFECTLY HAPPY AND CONTENT. He's lying on the couch watching tv in a place we are renting, casually talking to me, smiling, and I'm in the background talking to him, videotaping the place we stayed, talking to the 2 cats we took with us. There is no evidence that this man is hiding anything from me. I mean nothing in the body language but calm and happy. And the pictures, there are tons of pics, showing a perfectly happy couple. I agree I wasn't happy inside with myself. But I was happy with "us." I think all this man did was get so unhappy with himself that he conflating it with the marriage problems, which were THERE, but which were NOT insurmountable, they amounted to growing pains that lots of people get through.

And he bailed and you know the story.

I am starting to wonder if the world is filled with 2 kinds of people. Those who bail and those who don't. And maybe for a lot of us we marry not knowing which type we marry because we haven't been "tested" as a couple or even as an individual.

Then life throws a curve ball, and some people fight, and some run. And we married the runners. We're hoping and praying that they CONVERT and become the type who fight instead of "flight", but maybe we are facing a lost cause, in many cases. Maybe it's just not in them. Who was the last success story here in terms of DBing the marriage? J3B? Just curious.

I am very happy with the success stories here for individuals, but I'm trying to be realistic...chances of these people changing are slim.

You know to me one of the greatest injustices is that XH accused me up and down of not being a fighter or independent, saying I was needy, saying that OW was all these things I am not. I can tell you with 100% certainty, she is not half the fighter I am, nor is he, nor are they together. Nor are either of them "independent" by a long shot.

It is BRUTAL being alone in this house for nearly 2 years. It is BRUTAL having only acquaintances in the area and spending all my time alone but for work hours or time on the internet talking to you guys or friends elsewhere. It is BRUTAL having no one here to hold my hand or just "exist" in the same space, day after day. It is BRUTAL to have no one to come home to but cats who mostly sleep. I mean the list of what's brutal goes on.

But somehow I'm the weak and needy one. GOOD LORD I deserve better than the person my XH has become.

[irishblessings]

BRUTAL is an amazing word choice - so very pointed to the raw, pain that accompanies this situation. But here's the deal - as brutal as it is - there is so much more clarity that comes from the experience and I know we would rather have the brutal HONESTY than live a life of lies!

You are AMAZING!!!