Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[~¤DG¤~]

Good for you Valeska. I'm sure it was hard to sort through your shared belongings, but it's necessary.

As hard as it was to move all of my H's stuff out into the garage, it felt better once it was done.

You are worthy. I'm glad you realize that now.

[Valeska19]

Thanks DG!

@ JS. Your opinion makes as much sense as your wisdom. Only time will tell how this hand plays out.

Journaling - W agreed to split the savings account 50/50. It would have been silly for her not.. but I am very thankful she said yes.

A friend asked me what about "x - she spent or y - she spent". I said I was letting it go. I'll admit that I had a brief moment of doubt, but for the most part I am at peace of this decision. I think the doubts will continue to rise, but I will not allow them to control me.

Hopefully it will be taken care of as early as Friday.

I went to a "Get Motivated" seminar on Monday. Some very awesome speakers such as Gen. Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, Joe Montana, Lou Holt, and many others.

For a business seminar, there was a ton of spirituality involved. I must have heard to "Forgive.. and let go" 5 or 6 times.

I think God might have been trying to tell me something
Maybe some day soon that will be true for me.

I have a pretty busy week ahead of me. I'm getting more and more opportunities to be on "House" so that mixed in with a few other projects will keep me pretty busy in November.

Randomness that I wished w happy halloween yesterday during our email exchange in regards to finances.. I figured "What the he!!". She wished me one back.

No expectations, no rollercoaster.. just glad to break the awkward silence for a sentence.

[ncl]

Thanks DG!

@ JS. Your opinion makes as much sense as your wisdom. Only time will tell how this hand plays out.

Journaling - W agreed to split the savings account 50/50. It would have been silly for her not.. but I am very thankful she said yes.

A friend asked me what about "x - she spent or y - she spent". I said I was letting it go. I'll admit that I had a brief moment of doubt, but for the most part I am at peace of this decision. I think the doubts will continue to rise, but I will not allow them to control me.

Hopefully it will be taken care of as early as Friday.

I went to a "Get Motivated" seminar on Monday. Some very awesome speakers such as Gen. Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, Joe Montana, Lou Holt, and many others.

For a business seminar, there was a ton of spirituality involved. I must have heard to "Forgive.. and let go" 5 or 6 times.

I think God might have been trying to tell me something
Maybe some day soon that will be true for me.

I have a pretty busy week ahead of me. I'm getting more and more opportunities to be on "House" so that mixed in with a few other projects will keep me pretty busy in November.

Randomness that I wished w happy halloween yesterday during our email exchange in regards to finances.. I figured "What the he!!". She wished me one back.

No expectations, no rollercoaster.. just glad to break the awkward silence for a sentence.

This ^^^^^^^^ is not just Good Stuff...it's GREAT!

[25yearsmlc]

amen...what he said

[Valeska19]

amen...what he said

Good to see you 25! I thought I had stumped you with my mediation post.

I must also say that I see you up at all hours. I thought I had a wacky schedule and could function off of little to no sleep. You put me to shame!

[Valeska19]

@lc4 - thank you and thanks for stopping by my thread!

Journaling -

Woke up yesterday morning receiving messages from "House" saying they were cancelling my two days next week. They gave a perfectly good reason - one that made sense to me as a fellow AD... however my mind went straight to the negatives

"What if I did something wrong! What if they don't like me? What if they were lying to me?" Urgh it was so frustrating.

I think thoughts like this are normal for every human being but I have taken it to the extreme between my dad leaving and the unhealthy dynamics of my m.

Having self-worth is still something I am struggling with. I have accepted how my w contributed to the destruction of my self worth. I'm still working over my feelings to that but in the past 8 months, I have realized that I don't need people to validate my worth.. Don't get me wrong it helps but people.. they have flaws, fears, opinions.. etc. If this sitch has taught me anything its..obviously their opinion of me can change.

I am worthy because God thinks I am. If I remember to look through his eyes (as if that's even possible) - that NEED to have other people accept me will go away.

I've been saying this from the very beginning to myself and other people on this board.. that God doesn't punish us but does allow bad things to happen so we can become the people he intended us to be.

I'm beginning to think that this S wasn't for my w to work out her problems, but for me to work out my own.

I don't mean to sound super spiritual..but I'm just looking at everything.

My w dropping my from her insurance and fighting me over the money = having faith in God that he will financially provide for me.

Knowing that he will provide because he has laid things on my heart that I have wanted to change (my negativity, my feeling of "being right" professionally.

Or that I'm having friends going through similar experiences and I can show them love and patience because I have opened up my heart to allow the love and patience to be shown to me.

I don't know.. maybe it's giving the man upstairs too much power and credit.. However - I beginning to believe that in actuality.. I never gave him enough.

[Telemark]

"I'm beginning to think that this S wasn't for my w to work out her problems, but for me to work out my own."

I think this is a very healthy and sane way of looking at your situation. It allows you to examine yourself without the weight of your spouse hanging around your neck.

Two thumbs up.

[25yearsmlc]

@lc4 - thank you and thanks for stopping by my thread!

Journaling -

Woke up yesterday morning receiving messages from "House" saying they were cancelling my two days next week. They gave a perfectly good reason - one that made sense to me as a fellow AD... however my mind went straight to the negatives

"What if I did something wrong! What if they don't like me? What if they were lying to me?" Urgh it was so frustrating.

I think thoughts like this are normal for every human being but I have taken it to the extreme between my dad leaving and the unhealthy dynamics of my m.

yes you do And it's inconveniently NOT self serving as you bash yourself too much. Why can't what they said actually be TRUE? of course it probably IS...


Having self-worth is still something I am struggling with. I have accepted how my w contributed to the destruction of my self worth.

this self esteem thing really belongs to US...so why bother with the assignment of blame? It's not what you intend I'm sure, b/c you are braver than most.

But is this really something to project onto her or your dad?

Yeah they hurt you - that's a fact.

But NOW, as of Today, YOU ARE AWAKE..

and you are in charge of your happiness and

self esteem is part of that "duty" to yourself.imo



I'm still working over my feelings to that but in the past 8 months, I have realized that I don't need people to validate my worth.. Don't get me wrong it helps but people.. they have flaws, fears, opinions.. etc. If this sitch has taught me anything its..obviously their opinion of me can change.

I am worthy because God thinks I am. If I remember to look through his eyes (as if that's even possible) -

it is a very worthy aspirational goal.

that NEED to have other people accept me will go away.

I've been saying this from the very beginning to myself and other people on this board.. that God doesn't punish us but does allow bad things to happen so we can become the people he intended us to be.

eternal questions I ponder often. But I know He does not cause the bad problems or torture us with crazy "tests" to pass...if so, then just once I'd like to win a bunch of money as my "Test" to see if I become a jerk...


I'm beginning to think that this S wasn't for my w to work out her problems, but for me to work out my own.

I don't mean to sound super spiritual..but I'm just looking at everything.


Being spiritual is a good thing. Don't apologize for it. You don't sound self righteous and you're not speaking with false sounding piety, if that's what you are worried about.

My w dropping my from her insurance and fighting me over the money = having faith in God that he will financially provide for me.

Knowing that he will provide because he has laid things on my heart that I have wanted to change (my negativity, my feeling of "being right" professionally.

Or that I'm having friends going through similar experiences and I can show them love and patience because I have opened up my heart to allow the love and patience to be shown to me.

I don't know.. maybe it's giving the man upstairs too much power and credit.. However - I beginning to believe that in actuality.. I never gave him enough.

absolutely...Val, fwiw, last week I went to my high school reunion. Very affirming, btw.

But The day before it, an old friend called to tell me He did not want to go. Said he felt bad about his life as he is not "the rock star he was SUPPOSED to be", etc. (I replied, "I'm not President or on the Supreme Court...we adapt.") He was serious and depressed. We had a good honest "real life" talk and that was rare for us b/c we usually facebooked or talked about once a year.

I did get him to laugh and we sort of resolved things...he also left me a beautiful voicemail that said "I love you" at the end, and that was never said before, to my knowledge. (He is married and it wasn't inappropriately said, just super touchy feely for him)... In short, the call was NOT typical..

THEN, hours before our reunion the next day, he died.

At first I believed he had taken his own life. What are the odds someone I had not spoken to in so long, would call THE DAY BEFORE, to say they did NOT want to go to the reunion b/c of how depressed it made them feel about their life?

But no, he had a heart attack. Really.

I cannot help but believe that God had him contact me b/c the content of our discussion was, in hindsight, so beautiful and such a lovely goodbye that it was a gift.

My friend may have known or sensed at some level that his time was limited, but good grief, he's 50 and not sick or unhealthy...or so we thought.

all I'm saying is that there is definitely something greater than us around...

more than ever, I am convinced of that.

My friend is now in the arms of a loving God and i will choose to see his call as the gift it was.

hope this stuff makes sense to you. I know you are on a journey with spiritual overtones but we all are, it's just that You are cognitively aware of it.

So thank God...literally...

[Valeska19]

Yes 25. It does make sense. Very crazy story.

this self esteem thing really belongs to US...so why bother with the assignment of blame? It's not what you intend I'm sure, b/c you are braver than most.?

It's not really blame as much as realization. I didn't really realize how my wife contributed to it until we separated. I didn't really realize that I allowed her words to affect my self worth until we separated.

I know that she only has that power if I ALLOW HER. I know now that the self esteem ball is completely in MY court.

I painted her in such a beautiful light.. I hid all her flaws. I'm not trying to paint her differently.. just trying to take the blinders off my eyes.

I feel I need to do this so I can learn how to love in a healthy way... and honestly that includes loving my w.

It may seem silly since we are getting a D.. I really do want to love her well. People think I'm crazy because she doesn't even talk to me and by her actions, doesn't give a rat's a$$.. so I guess I am.

But I don't love her well. I think I love her good but I also know I say I am doing something loving when in all honestly I'm doing it out of fear.

My self worth is an example. Any actions I take with the mindset "I'm worthy" usually pisses off w. So I say "I love her so I'm not do x"..

"WAKE UP VAL... YOU'RE NOT DOING IT OUT OF LOVE, IT'S OUT OF FEAR"

Does that make sense 25?

As for projecting - I try really REALLY hard to not project on W or Dad. I'm aware that I WANT to.. and I'm also aware that I DONT.

It's an internal struggle and one I will have for awhile. My goal is to forgive them both. This will not come overnight and w/o dying to myself a little... maybe even alot!

But it is my goal. I don't plan on giving up on it.

[~¤DG¤~]

I gain so much insight from your posts Valeska. Thank you for that.