But, very painful to know he is with the OW each week when he leaves and I agree I need to determine the right approach to avoid being the doormat.
Were you romantic/intimate with your H? I feel like I'm more intimate with my H than I would have expected and seems like it goes against DB-ing. However, I think it feels right, like it is helping, and I think H needs to see that from me or he may not have any hope of coming back?
I guess at this point, I feel like I can't get hurt any further (since we have been intimate for 14 years already and he's violated that). I'm sure the unhealthy part of me also likes that he is cheating on OW when he is home and probably messes with his head a bit.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
But, very painful to know he is with the OW each week when he leaves and I agree I need to determine the right approach to avoid being the doormat.
Were you romantic/intimate with your H? I feel like I'm more intimate with my H than I would have expected and seems like it goes against DB-ing. I know for a fact it does NOT go against it. IT's a very personal choice. Do NOT let anyone tell you what to do either way.
My DB coach was perfect for me (A Godsend, I'm sure) and she asked what our sex life was like before. IT was a strength of ours and I know h felt more connected when we were physical. It's his love language (touching, affection).
for US in OUR M, I felt it was right and natural and
if I felt regret later, I'd reassess. I didn't.
So for me, I felt it helped to CONTRAST whatever life he was creating for himself up there on the tundra, with a warm loving happy home here...
& I wanted to "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"...
(also, I've never heard of a man going home for the great sex he NEVER had...)
However, I think it feels right, like it is helping, and I think H needs to see that from me or he may not have any hope of coming back? see above for MY opinion b/c obviously I agree...
I guess at this point, I feel like I can't get hurt any further (since we have been intimate for 14 years already and he's violated that). hey, if you do come to regret it or feel used in some way, you are allowed to change your mind...it's not irrevocable.
I'm sure the unhealthy part of me also likes that he is cheating on OW when he is home and probably messes with his head a bit.
I get that...^^
be the better choice. And for short "units of time" --shelve the anger and be in the moment. Give him something to miss...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
But, very painful to know he is with the OW each week when he leaves and I agree I need to determine the right approach to avoid being the doormat.
Were you romantic/intimate with your H? I feel like I'm more intimate with my H than I would have expected and seems like it goes against DB-ing. I know for a fact it does NOT go against it. IT's a very personal choice. Do NOT let anyone tell you what to do either way.
My DB coach was perfect for me (A Godsend, I'm sure) and she asked what our sex life was like before. IT was a strength of ours and I know h felt more connected when we were physical. It's his love language (touching, affection).
for US in OUR M, I felt it was right and natural and
if I felt regret later, I'd reassess. I didn't.
So for me, I felt it helped to CONTRAST whatever life he was creating for himself up there on the tundra, with a warm loving happy home here...
& I wanted to "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth"...
(also, I've never heard of a man going home for the great sex he NEVER had...)
However, I think it feels right, like it is helping, and I think H needs to see that from me or he may not have any hope of coming back? see above for MY opinion b/c obviously I agree...
I guess at this point, I feel like I can't get hurt any further (since we have been intimate for 14 years already and he's violated that). hey, if you do come to regret it or feel used in some way, you are allowed to change your mind...it's not irrevocable.
I'm sure the unhealthy part of me also likes that he is cheating on OW when he is home and probably messes with his head a bit.
I get that...^^
be the better choice. And for short "units of time" --shelve the anger and be in the moment. Give him something to miss...
Nblost,
Reasonable people can disagree (and do) about the whole "should I still have sex with my wayward spouse while they are wayward?" thing, and I won't weigh in either way here, but I do think it must be added that, If you DO decide to do this, for god's sakes, USE PROTECTION.
Your own medical health is the overriding issue here, and I'm not telling you anything that your own personal OB/GYN wouldn't also tell you.
if you are worried, then get yourself tested and don't say a thing to your h.
I KNOW people will disagree but some of that is ignorance and some of it is punitive on their part b/c they're into shaming their spouse or making the OW look like a possible whore, AND some of them, Like Bond, really believe in it and I get that....but
Unless you think she has AIDS and then gave it to him....I mean do you really believe that? Is that even on your radar?
If she's American, Do you know that unless she's received a blood transfusion before the screening of the past 10 years OR she engages in 1 of 2 high risk behaviors, HER chances of contracting it are about nil?
My h is an MD and worked in that arena for some time and there is STILL a lot of baseless fear out there about that disease...it's also incredibly rare for a woman to pass it on to a man (sexually)...but I digress...
So the rest of the STD's are treatable by YOU taking meds...
and who says HE isn't using protection?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right, he claims he is using protection and the woman he is with is recently separated after a long marriage. We haven't done anything yet that would expose me anyway.
(Attending a class with D10 on "growing up" and we talked about the 55 various STDs that are out there...)
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
Totally agree. No actual "sex" at this point and would insist on testing before we do. Holding each other and caressing.
H is with a woman who is probably okay too...but what can you trust at this point?
Thanks!
That's great news, Nb. I know this is a horrible thing to have to talk about, but I always get concerned for people when they're considering this, but it's the sad reality. It sounds like you're being wise and careful, and I do wish you the best of success in your marriage!
if you are worried, then get yourself tested and don't say a thing to your h.
I KNOW people will disagree but some of that is ignorance and some of it is punitive on their part b/c they're into shaming their spouse or making the OW look like a possible whore, AND some of them, Like Bond, really believe in it and I get that....but
Nothing "punitive" or "shaming" at all, 25 -- just a healthy concern for the distasteful reality of infidelity. Sadly, Nb's husband -- if he's sexually active with OW -- is exposing himself to every partner the OW has ever had, and she's not exactly a member of a low-risk group, if you kwim.
Right, he claims he is using protection and the woman he is with is recently separated after a long marriage. We haven't done anything yet that would expose me anyway.
(Attending a class with D10 on "growing up" and we talked about the 55 various STDs that are out there...)
I just LOVE those discussions. Our then 7 y/o had to listen to an AIDS talk several years ago and I recall thinking, "really? SHE was about to use IV drugs or have that kind of sex?"
I get that they wanted everyone to be "enlightened" and all, but their information was way off. Politically correct from both sides. The left wants to understandably end discrimination even if it means misleading the public and the right wanted to promote "abstinence is the only safe sex"....but these were 1st graders!
"Anyone can get AIDS"...yeah, if you have a blood transfusion or engage in the high risk behaviors. Are there a lot of 7 y/o's doing that in Dallas?
I digress...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
