ROMB, the fact you are taking the high road speaks volumes about who you are and who you are becoming. You are proving yourself to be very strong, even though it might not feel like it all the time.
I guess if your H wants to stop snooping, he'll have to be the one to separate the phone plans. Doesn't he know that snooping just makes you miserable? Hasn't he talked to anyone on this board? Seriously, you have nothing to hide, and I think you're right - what's the point in you initiating splitting up the phone bill?
The mystery you're creating may not be a bad thing.
BTW, thanks IS, I am really trying to do the right thing.
So yesterday H called late morning and asked me to pick up some candy for last night- apparently he kept forgetting, so I told him I would, no problem. I was planning on stopping by the store on the way over. He asked me to let him know when I was on my way, so I called when I headed out and told him I would be there as soon as I stopped by the store to pick up the candy. He starts getting ticked off, saying it was typical of me to wait until the last minute. ???
I stayed calm, although I have to admit I was pretty mad. You ask me to do YOU a favor, that YOU waited until the last minute to do, but I'M the procrastinator? I told him, politely, that it didn't make sense for me to leave the house just to get candy when I was leaving in a few hours anyway. He then tells me he'll get it himself, and I can tell he's still ticked.
Sorry if this next part is tmi, but it is very relevant.
When we get there, I put on an old costume he had bought me (one of those kinda sexy ones) since he mentioned he was going to dress up to take D out. We start flirting when he gets home, and then stops and says he's not sure if he should since he doesn't want to lead me on. Admittedly, in the past I have reacted poorly to intimacy because it is a big deal to me. The last time we were intimate I think I did a good 180 by not bringing any drama to it after the fact.
So as things progress, he stops and says, this will be the last time. I was crushed. Why would he say something like that? Just then the doorbell rings and he goes to pass out candy. When he came back I asked him why he would say that. He says its not that he doesn't want to, he just can't keep doing that- that he's afraid it will give me false hope, and that he thinks I feel like it will make everything better.
I told him I am well aware that it won't make everything better, and that I'm ok regardless of the outcome. I also told him in the past it was difficult for me to do that knowing he didn't want a R with me, so this is a definite 180. Then he asks me if I just want to 'live in the moment'. I said yes, and you can figure out the rest. Afterwards, he starts crying.
We have some pretty emotional, intense conversation after that, and although I'm sure I wasn't the best DBer I didn't pursue as far as begging, pleading, etc. He asks me why all of this now? Told him losing him was the hardest experience of my life, and I never want to experience something like that again, therefore change is inevitable.
We discussed getting together to talk, but later when I asked him when he would like to do that he said he didn't know, so I dropped it. D also told me something heartbreaking on the way home. She said she wanted us to be a family again. I told her we were, but she said, no a 'real' family.
I'm strangely pretty calm today considering. H is a puzzle and I have no idea where his head is at right now...
I think you handled that pretty well ROMB. Especially the part about setting your boundary on not having him throw hurtful sayings in your face. My W and I had a similar convo a few weeks back. I can say that it really helped with her not tossing those hurtful "distancing" barbs in all the time.
I also think you did just right calling him on it and validating. That's why he's doing it. To make sure you know that he's not coming back. Of course... I tend to believe the WAS is saying that as much to tell you as he/she is to tell themselves, but for now just deal with the obvious part of the message.
Frankly, when my W and I had our convo I felt almost more grown-up than her. Sort of like talking to a kid who keeps saying hurtful things to get a reaction. When you sit them down and say "look, I know you don't like Johnny, but you do not have to say that each time." Or "if you don't have something nice to say, then just don't say anything".
As far as your D's comment... I'd tell her you are a "real" family. That families come in lots of shapes, sizes, and make-ups. You're no less real than you were before. And families are defined by the love within, not the appearance from outside.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Thanks, WHG- I especially like what you said about 'real' family. I struggle with what to tell her, and I will use that.
I am really trying to validate his feelings. Its hard sometimes, because as you all well know, to a WAS everything was bad, everything was the LBS's fault, nothing will change, etc. I do feel like he was trying to shock/hurt me, not really say 'this will never happen again'. I have felt that way about quite a few of his comments lately.
Listened to 'The Secret' again, going to try and really focus on that. Positive thinking certainly can't hurt! Like attracts like!!
ROMB, Wow! He is working really hard to vilify you! That might not be a bad thing that he has to work that hard to vilify you. There's a possibility that means he's struggling and confused. If only he'd work that hard on the M, huh? You are doing a great job of responding to him. Keep up the good work with that. I know it's not easy. Come here and vent or vent elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
He says its not that he doesn't want to, he just can't keep doing that- that he's afraid it will give me false hope, and that he thinks I feel like it will make everything better.
I'm sorry, ROMB. ((())) I think what WHG said was on the money - he is telling himeslf that as much or more than he is telling you that. That he is telling you he's afraid it will give you false hope may be saying he has a glimmer of hope he's trying to squash in his own mind.
It's hard when you drop back into the relational conversations to keep your DB'ing hat on all the time. I think we all backslide a bit sometimes or tip our playbook so to speak. You were just being honest and authentic. TBH, I think you did reasonably well. From what you were vague on whether the changes were for you or him. IOW, you didn't make it sound like you were changing just to win him back.
JB, thanks as usual for being my cheerleader! I really hope you're right about him. I do believe he is fighting that little guy talking in his ear saying maybe there's a chance. I hope the little guy wins, lol!
I really tried hard not to slide into the 'let's give this another chance' mode. I did manage to not contradict his 'there's no hope' kind of talk, but I'm sure it still smacked of pursuing here and there.
He asked to talk to D today, and the first thing she says to him is that she wants us to be a family again, and her and Mama to come live with Daddy, and that she prayed and so that's what she wants. He was taken back, and when she handed me the phone I just didn't know what to say. All I could think of was, 'out of the mouth of babes' (and an uncomfortable laugh).
I just hope he doesn't think I provoked her to say that- I didn't. She's really noticing the dynamic lately.
ROMB, Good for you; you seem to be doing really well.
I wanted to say SNAP on the 'false hope' line. I got that from my H tonight in the same sort of discussion (see my thread if interested), and I gave the same answer as you - so I'm waiting to see what transpires....
I am grateful for a decent day. Not much interaction with H, but we did have a short and pleasant convo. Day by day!
I've been thinking about some other issues I need to deal with in my sitch. In laws on both sides. My family is pretty supportive, although they would like to see me move on from H- they don't like him. But they understand its my decision. My mom, however, does create problems at times. H flat out told me she was part of 'the problem'.
I think I did make some recent headway there- my mom has a really bad habit of calling multiple times, and will keep calling until she gets someone. This is out of concern, not impatience, because she knows he has a really bad temper. She worries. A lot. She did so recently, he got mad, but I handled it with her and told him so.
I do have a pretty blunt relationship with my mom, so I can tell her how I feel about the interference. Its difficult to think about because I am very close to my family, and my H is going to be very uncomfortable around them. I picture very awkward holidays if a R happens, although I think eventually it would level out.
His family, on the other hand, is a mixed bag. One half (his parents are divorced) is very nice, and continues to make me feel welcome. The other half has not contacted me in any manner since July. In fact, I just saw his mom blocked me (not unfriended) from viewing her FB info. Pretty childish, imo.
She has also been WAY too involved in our issues, and is very manipulative. His siblings are 'incapable of independent thought' (his words, not mine), so his mom tends to be the puppet master there. She definitely pushes him to do things he wouldn't ordinarily do, and I'm dreading when she comes back to town.
The sudden stop in communication is standard MO for that side of the family- another sibling's SO (who is splitting after 25 years of marriage) even commented that no one had even called to see how they were, even after being part of the family for such a long time.
ROMB, I'm sorry to hear about the family issues. The 'ol helpful friends and family.
I may not be the best one to advise on this. I think everyone has their own family dynamic. So please take any of this with a grain of salt.
It sounds to me like you have a pretty good idea on how to handle your Mom. It sounds like it will be your job to manage that and to re-construct that bridge.
One side of his family does not sound like an issue. I don't see how you have much control over what his Mom does or what that side of the family does. All I can say is to be your best ROMB around them. Unfortunately, you have no control over what influence your H's Mom has over your H.
ROMB, I'm new to this forum, but I'd like to say that your thread has been an inspiration to me! My ex wife just left for the second time and we are hardly speaking at the moment. But I'm still doing my best to DB and your story helps me stay strong. Thanks and I wish you the best of luck!
Seriously, you have nothing to hide, and I think you're right - what's the point in you initiating splitting up the phone bill?
