Just don't understand...

[tjb54]

I can't seem to recognize my fear

Could you explain what you mean?

I should've said pinpoint instead I guess. I've tons of worries, but I guess I can only call a few of them fears. IDK, maybe I'm fearful of this whole ordeal...

[tjb54]

Hello again,

I think I'm gonna try and post daily. Trying to recall 5-6 days at a time is hard and I believe that I've wasted opportunities here & there.

Last 3 nights I've went to bed after the 10pm news without telling wife goodnight. For some reason she seems much more pleasant in the morning.

[tjb54]

Well good and bad news today....

D9 had an ATA karate tournament today and the whole family went. The drive was an hour each way and we had a great time. Wife and I chatted the whole way. Had a good time watching and everything, well just seemed good. Got home about 4:30pm.

Wife was cooking dinner and I stuck my foot in my mouth. I asked what her plans were for the evening. She said "nothing, why do you ask?" Well I already knew that she was planning on going out this evening with some friends to see one of her fav local bands play. Heck, I bet she's seen them play a half dozen times in the last 7 weeks. Anyway I said," well it's Sat night and just figured you were heading out tonight." She replies, "I'm just getting out on the weekend to avoid 'this', 'our situation'. Then she follows with, "We really need to tell the kids!". I ask what's the rush? She tells me that with all the family functions coming up, she doesn't want the kids to hear it from someone else. Implying that some of their cousins know because my W's bother and sister in law know and probably talk about it around their kids. I can't confirm or deny this.

This conversation carries out to the deck where we both have a smoke. Wife brought up the 30 days to respond. She is in the belief that I have to be out at the end of the 30 days. I just nodded and said I'm working on it. I don't believe it for a second, but would like for someone chime in on this. We talked of visitation that is worded on the dissolution summons that states..

"..with the Petitioner designated as the primary custodian subject to the Respondent's, XXX..ME..XXX, rights of resonable visitation."

I basically said that was unacceptable. That I'd like it worded as we've discussed numerous times. Thurs night to Sun night every weekend. Yeah, I know a long shot there. Were both civil and understand and agree that we're both good parents. Her fear is that I wouldn't be flexible. I'm feeling the same of her. I said to her, "You know me. Would I do something like that?" She said, "I don't know? Do you think I'd do something like that to you?" Here's where the crappola hit the fan! "You've been spitefull in the past and yes I do believe you could do that to me." She instantly was hurt. Her eyes watered and stated, "Now you just p1ssed me off! Apparently you don't know me!!" That ended out convo as she snuffed her smoke and stormed inside and proceeded to cook dinner.

Well at around 8:30 she comes into the living room and says that she is going out. That she forgot it was her friends birthday night out. So, here i sit knowing that she's out with friends, really ticked off at me.

as the World turns.......

[tjb54]

Serious question here guys & gals.

Does anyone here DB after a divorce? Or is it pretty much the same as DB'ing while separated?

[tjb54]

Alrighty, feeling the need to journal this evening.

Last night W traveled 4 hrs North with the kids. She's going to a wedding and brought a girl friend up with her. I stayed back. SD12 will be staying with her bio and D9 and S4 will be spending time with my brother. Been trying to keep busy today but my mind never stopped thinking about my wife. Been reading the forums here for a bit and had to go out for a smoke. Outside I felt the need to pray. Man did I loose it...

Texted my brother @ 9 to see if D9 & S4 were up so I could talk to them for the evening. Kiddos were asleep though, another bummer.

[tjb54]

Knew it was coming, but hurts still the same. Came home form a parent teacher conference with SD12 this afternoon. Decided to check Facebook and see that W removed our 'Married to' status. Not her status actually, just where your friends see that your married. Not defriended yet, that's just a matter of time I guess. This all stemmed from a blowout last night.

Yesterday our daughters had their Second Degree Blackbelt grad and all went well. Her father & stepmother were there along with one of her nieces and a nephew. I love this side of her family! Anyway, we had a good time it seemed. When it was time for a family pic of of the girls and thier new belts, W would not join in. I overheard her father asking why she didn't want to be in one, W stated that her hair was a mess. I believe he truly understood why though. Sad indeed, I see it as a keepsake for the kids, apparently W does not. I never pushed the issue. We then went back to our house and had cake and icecream. All seemed to be going smoothly. That is till after family left to go home and kids were getting ready for bed.

While W and I were out on the deck having a smoke, she brings up r/divorce talk. Proceed to tell me about the mandatory child class each of us has to take. Then tells me of some changes made in papers regarding visitation. To tell you the truth, I was internally irritated hearing this at this time. I stated, "OK, we'll see". Thinking nothing about it. A 1/2 hour later as she walk be, I ask her a question about our camera and she angrily says, "I DON"T KNOW!" Surprised, I go into her PC room and asks what's wrong? At this point she's ticked at me for my earlier comment outside. She's trying to fast track this D and is probably thinking that I'm gonna press for custody or something like that. I can't understand why W would think that every other weekend is acceptable? 3 days out of 14 is not parenting time. It's reducing me to a visitor.

Anyway, this morning she's cold as ice! Just the day before, we were doing something together and she slipped by calling me 'Hon', that hasn't happened since the D-bomb was dropped.

Just letting it out.......................

[tjb54]

Just a couple of points to add...

At the end of our talk last night I said, "We just had a nice night with the kids and your dad. I don't see the point of bringing this up at the end of the night. Why bumm out the evening?" Her response was, "Oh, so we'll just continue living this fantasy then."

As for today after noticing the Facebook change, I just walked to her office doorway and asked, "Really? You just couldn't wait?" and left it at that.

[workinghardguy]

Hey TJB... doesn't the Facebook thing suck? It's just a few words on a screen, but it sends a punch in the gut. My W did that a few weeks ago, about the same time she stopped wearing her wedding rings, and it really, really hurt. I've gotten used to it but it still hurt. And we haven't had an actual D talk yet... just discussions about probably separating some time in June.

I think you're right to fight again 3 in 14 days, though I guess that would depend on the geography. While we want to give them space I think you have to stand up for yourself and your kids. There is no reason for 3 in 14. As long as you're willing to get them to school, get their homework taken care of, get them where they need to be and take care of them then 7 and 7 is absolutely reasonable.

My W and I have only danced this issue briefly in an R talk. But where we ended up was 50/50 and then during the overnights our S would have dinner with the other parent every so often, or come home after school until dinner time and then go for the overnight. This way neither one of us has to go a week at a time without seeing our S.

The one caveat I would offer though, and this is coming off of my DB coaching session a few hours ago, when you talk to your wife about it try to find compassion if you can. I know it sounds really hard and I would think it is... but perhaps approach it from, "If having the kids more time concerns you, why is that?" or "I've sensed that me having the kids more time is a concern for you, can you tell me why?" And then just listen... don't try to solve it right there. Just listen and maybe verify that you're understanding her point of view correctly.

What happens after that... well, I've got nothing right now, sorry but if I meditate on it and an idea springs forth I'll come back!

[tjb54]

WHG yes it does! When we first discussed 'parenting time' we were agreeable. Now that she's lawyered up though, not so much.

Just got back from grocery shopping to find out that she's having a few friends over tonight to play cards. I suspect a new love interest thrown in the mix somewhere. Think I'll play passive aggressive and try to have a good time. Yeah, I'm into self torture. 8P

[tjb54]

Journaling....

Here are a few highlights and food for thought. Yesterday I had a 10am appointment to retain a lawyer. He is one of three that I've interviewed with and choose this guy. The way W seems to be pushing/fast tracking this thing, it's totally possible to be finalized by 11/3. This is something that I can't allow to happen. I told my lawyer to stall, whatever it takes. He's thinking maybe to stipulate a condition of 30-60 days before I move out. Not sure if it's the way I'm wanting to pursue this though. W is sure to be pissed off at this option as she wants me out asap. Another Ace in my pocket is fact that we haven't told the kids as of yet. Yes, it's kind of using them as pawns, but not in a way that will hurt them in any way. Not likely that a judge will force me out asap when the kids aren't in the know. Mrs. Selfish (a mental reference I sometimes use when thinking about W) has an 11am appointment to attend the required IL. parenting class. It's suppose to be 4 hrs long. I'll be bring up this topic later on. So my meeting with my Lawyer ends and I rush home to be with S5(It's his Birthday today by the way!!) so Mrs.S can leave.

Noon arrives and I decide to take my little buddy to lunch and then to the archery store to get some arrow fletched. Anywho, we stop to eat lunch at TGIF. I told the lady about his birthday and after our lunch they came and did the whole singing thing and boy was S5 ever embarrassed. He went under the table after they were done singing. He got a free sundae out of it though. Well, I did anyway cause he didn't want it.

So, after that we ran to Walmart which is just across the street. As we pulled in, there was this girl walking into Walmart that stopped and waved. It was my W. Keep in mind that the IL. Kids class thing is a 4 hour class and it is now 1:30pm. I pull into a parking space and W is waiting by the entrance. I say, "4 hour class eh?". She tells me that there were only 2 in the class and the instructor gave them the option of leaving with credit for staying the whole 4 hours. I'm thinkng B.S., but I really don't care. At this point I believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what I see. We go in together and shop together. Picked up some Pumkins for each kid, Halloween cupcakes and laundry stuff. We separate in the store so she can get S5's birthday presents. I head to the pet section to get dogfood. W them tells me that she's gonna meet a friends mother for lunch and will be home later. I'm thinking B.S. on this as well. Whatever....

The drive back home is about 20 mins or so. S5 had the Ipad, so I had some thinking time on my mind. I'm thinking when is my realtor going to call back on that property I'm looking at. I'm thinking, I can't wait to get out. Not away from the kids, just away from this situation. I'm thinking about my earlier talk with Lawyer. I'm thinking about a talk that I had with my sister earlier in the week. Reality starting to kick in hard and I'm feeling a little relief, peace, or maybe sanity. Anyway, here's where it gets a little wierd for me.......



Timewarp back to my break up back in 98' with an EXGF. Anyway, the night EXGF broke it off with me, I drove home all heartbroken and whatnot. As I was driving past the VFW in my hometown at the time, a song starts playing on the radio. It was Green Day and the song was 'Time of Your Life'. The words fit my situation at the time perfectly. So much so, that I bought the damn CD and damn near wore it out playing that song.



........back to my ride home........

Yup you guessed it! Green Day - Time of Your Life starts playing just at the appropriate time. Coincidence....? I think not.


Ended the day with S5's lil Bday party! Good time! Six Halloween cupcakes with candles in 5 of them! Happy as heck with a
coloring book, a PS2 game, a Wii game & two packs of his favorite M&M's. The ones with the pretzels in the center.....