W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[BklynMom]

My 2cents... Move out as soon as possible even if its a temporary move to a friends couch. Give her the space she THINKS will relieve her. She thinks things will be so much easier once you move out that you are what is keeping her from being happy. That is not true. It will be harder when you move out. She will have more stuff to do around the house and she will have a hard time emotionally with the kids.

She doesnt sound like she is so far gone that she thinks it would be okay to have the other man hang out with her & the kids. The sobbing I think indicates the conflicts in her heart.

It is so much easier to look good & feel good every time you see your WAS when you dont live with them.

Also like you I am lucky to have the support of my in-laws even without asking for it. Know that she is going to be answering to them. Let them do your dirty work - sounds like they will without any prompting. Move out, be a great dad, do GALing and the inlaws will see what is going on with WAS.

My inlaws I think at the beginning thought maybe I was a monster that my H described but as my H continues to display erratic behavior that I have not prompted I think its starting to register with them that he is having a crisis.

Wish I had time to write more but I believe this is all good. Your W is in crisis and has to go through all these stages.

Hang in there.

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the note BM.

Just got a text from my W who is at her IC appointment. She says:

"Have you signed a lease yet? If not I will go from IC and sign one"

Boy, sure can't wait for me to be gone! Too much of a reminder of the pain I suppose....

[BklynMom]

"She goes on to say that she sees what I have been doing (i.e. changes with the boys) and it is great! And she goes on to say that it is very clear that I am trying really hard to change my behavior but it is too late for us. I need to do this for myself and the children but not for her. She also says that she knows that I never intentionally meant to hurt her but she is hurt and angry and it is too late for us!"

My H said the same thing to me. JUST IGNORE. She does feel hurt & angry now but time does heal and time is on your side.

Stay strong

[gunny]

hello 2
Sorry to read all this, but, I think potentially it is a positive that w has confided in her sister and your bil. If she is close to her s, perhaps she could be a moderating influence on your s behavior. Also, like you said, it is important that your s have someone to talk to, bounce things off, etc.In my sitch, I wanted my s to have as many people to talk to as possible, since I really believed that her decsion to leave was illogical.

I really like that she is acknowledging that you are making positive changes, but she is making it pretty clear that she wants you to move out. Maybe its time to do that. As someone here said, the good thing about that is that then you will get to see her pretty much on your schedule and you have time to prepare yourself. Living with a WAS on a daily basis is like going through torture, believe me, i just went through it.

Hang in there 2

[2thepoint]

Thanks for the post BM & Gunny!

I applied for a lease today at the apartment of my choosing, (not the one W lovingly picked out for me). I should hear back in the next day or so. They had limited availability but something opening up later in the month. Meanwhile I will probably go sleep under a bridge for a few weeks... just kidding ;o).

Will post again later.

[2thepoint]

I got approved on the apartment lease today. The apartment is not available until the 24th which is going to PO my W but it is what it is. Her parents arrive around the 16th and I'm sure W wants me out before they arrive so she can prepare the guest room for them and she can move back into the master bedroom where I'm currently camped out. So now I've got to figure out a temporary living arrangement until the apartment becomes available.

Earlier this morning my W sent me a text about getting an apartment (previously detailed) and my response back was "I've got it covered and please stop the pressure." I said this because yesterday she is sending me emails of apartments she wants me to live in and then the text earlier today about my progress cause if there is none, she's going to take care of it!

Six hours later she replies to my text as follows:

"I'm not pressuring you, just preparing myself for telling the boys. If we can I'd like to tell them a few days before you move. Where will you be living?"

So here's where I could use some advice:

First, I don't think she should be telling the boys anything in isolation. I need to be there when she drops the bomb on their heads and help to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts.

Second, how best to tell the kids what is happening and how they will be impacted? I mean, part of me wants to give them hope for the future (possible R) but I know W is more likely going to want to be more final. The other part of me recognizes that it will be my W who decides if there is going to be a R and that is no where in our future from what I can see at present. I don't want to create false hope for the boys, even though I am hopeful.

So for those of you who had to break the news to your kids, especially ones that are the age of mine, what suggestions do you have?

Appreciate the feedback!!

[MrBond]

"she is sending me emails of apartments she wants me to live in and then the text earlier today about my progress cause if there is none, she's going to take care of it!"

What is she your mother? Stand your ground and do things in your own way and in your own time. Stop letting her bully you around. Women don't respect a guy they can bully. Get your nuts back from her.

Tell her you appreciate her help and that's it. Don't give her a timeline, dont' give her a long explanation, just don't give her anything.

Honestly I still don't understand why you're still allowing her to kick you out of your own home.

[sandi2]

So now I've got to figure out a temporary living arrangement until the apartment becomes available.

Why? B/c it may PO your W? You need to start walking on two legs, and stop living in fear that your WAW might not be happy about something!

"I've got it covered and please stop the pressure."

she wants me to live in and then the text earlier today about my progress cause if there is none, she's going to take care of it!

Do you not hear how you sound? Can you see how hen-pecked you are? The woman runs over you! She is going to check on your progress and if not to her liking then she'll take care of it? You are not a child in elementary school, and you certainly are not her child. This is a total lack of respect for you as a man. She has controlled you for so long, you have come to accept it?

"I'm not pressuring you, just preparing myself for telling the boys. If we can I'd like to tell them a few days before you move. Where will you be living?"

Same thing here.....control. She just turned the wording around to make it "emotional" control.

I need to be there when she drops the bomb on their heads and help to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts.

Absolutely! But also, to make sure she tells them the truth and not her one-sided version of the story. That's why it doesn't look good for you to leave the house. Now she can tell her folks, and the boys, that you walked out on "her"!

The other part of me recognizes that it will be my W who decides if there is going to be a R and that is no where in our future from what I can see at present.

Maybe you should think about being the one to decide about the future of this R.

Utill you have her respect for you as a man (first), her husband (second), and the father of her children (third).....you won't have any happiness with her, and I feel sure that she won't even consider a future for the M.

Women have to feel respect for the man before she has those in-love feelings.

[JustStunned]

So I am a relatively newcomer here, but I must agree, Why? What purpose is served in moving out before you are ready?

The in-laws can stay in a hotel.

The W can stay in a hotel or sleep on the couch.

Don’t be mean or vindictive about it. Pitching a tent in the yard comes to mind.

Stand your ground. Be firm; be fair, your definition of fair. Be in control of yourself.

This is not my experience as our children are grown. IMO you both need to be present when your children learn about it.

Be prepared for fallout days, weeks, and in the years to come. My twenty something nieces are still dealing occasionally twenty years after their parents announce the D to them.

[BklynMom]

Sorry to create confusion but I totally disagree with the more knowledgable commenters above. Your wife sounds like she is a run away freight train I say get out of the way. Move out now - go wherever you have to, a friends couch, basement whatever. Whatever anxieties she is feeling now she is blaming all on you, just get out of her way.

I think it will be much easier for her to slow down once she doesnt have to see you all the time & have you to blame. I think she isnt convinced that you know that this is over, you are still trying to get back to together with her. She has to believe you are convinced its over & your not trying to R your just being the NEW you. Trust me her new life is not gonna be easy. Let her family give her grief not you - you make it easy for her to live her fantasy & then hopefully realize the fantasy stinks. Your kids and her family will say the negative stuff you should support her and tell her you understand that she wants you to move.

Regarding telling the kids, I did some research for my own sitch and the proper way to tell kids is both parents tell them and both parents "say that they are happy about the new arrangement and that they will both be there for the kids. There will be an adjustment period, please talk to us and give us feedback because we want the new arrangement to work for everyone"

In July when my H moved out he was dead set on telling my 3 yr old it was over. I told him I would read whatever script he prepared for the conversation but I would not be able to honestly say I was okay with the new sitch. So if he wanted me to be there with our D, which he did, he would have to prepare what we would say. My H dropped the whole thing. Now he says Daddy has 2 houses?? Obviously your kids arent going to fall for that but I think its important your W knows you accept that you are headed for D but you are not thrilled about it. You want to be there to tell the kids but you are not going to say you are okay with the new sitch. I would drop the conversation about giving them hope although it will break your kids hearts not to give them hope it will push her further away.

You need to be very careful right now, your W is spinning and your Miranda warning is in full effect!!

Obviously you should protect yourself and document all the texts and email indicating that she is kicking you out. JIC

I think my H being out of the house has given us hope. Good Luck stay strong