yes, they are definitely more confused than we are!! LOL. WE know we are willing to do the work and save the marriage. They just bounce all over the place. Constantly.
ROMB you are doing well---- keep DBing him!!!!
(and praying for me as well!!)
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Thanks so much everyone... it helps to hear other perspectives on it. He does seem to have noticed the change in me, especially since I have not said/done anything to point those things out- it has all come from him. In a weird way, I guess that means I'm doing something right for him to have noticed.
We ended up having quite the conversation today. I called him about some logistics regarding D, and he brought up some issues he has had with me. TBH, some of these things are definitely valid. There were many things I did that I thought were insignificant to me at the time, but were big deals to him. I disregarded his feelings, and I have to own that. I listened, validated, and genuinely apologized for them.
It does frustrate me that he still acts as though I am the only one with any fault in this, but I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize.
There was no talk of a R, but we also didn't talk about a D, either. He did say he hated that it always had to get to 'this point' for any changes to happen. I told him the difference for me this time, anyway, was that I realized that the changes need to be made in order for me to become a better person. If it saves my marriage, great! But I have to make the changes regardless.
I feel like it was a productive conversation, even if things are essentially the same.
On a brighter note, my pastor called me today out of the blue just to check on me. Friends, new and old, have come out of the wood work to offer support. It feels good to have so many people pulling for me, people I didn't even know were there for me. No matter what happens, this has been such a learning experience. I have learned to ask for help, which is something I have always struggled with.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, you have all been a blessing to me!
ROMB, I think when evaluate what you're doing and try to figure out what's working and your H is noticing your changes, you can say your changes are working.
I think you did very well with your conversation. You probably did more than you know. This will have some sort of ripple effect. These conversations can be unpleasant and pretty tough. This conversation will make you a better person, regardless of the final outcome.
I had a conversation similar to this with my W back in April. My DB coach had suggested I ask her to talk about a time where I've hurt her and what I could've done differently. This was supposed to be something pretty small, but she went ahead and unloaded on me with the elephant in the room parade. I knew I really had listened, because I just felt ill . i didn't sleep really well that night or even a few nights after that.
That's awesome that your pastor checked on you. Having the new friends is exciting. You're doing the right thing.
Keep it up. I continue to pray for you and your H and D. Your support crosses state lines. I'm pulling for you, ROMB!
Got a call from H today. He started bringing up some of the issues we talked about yesterday. I tried to get off the phone in a pleasant way, he wasn't having it. He asked me if I would answer a couple of questions honestly. I tell ya, when you hear that you know its coming, right?
Soooo, he asks me if I wore my wedding band to church today. This was one of the things he brought up yesterday, too. He feels like I never wore my band (not true, I did occasionally forget it, but it was mostly a case of taking it off before he got home so he thought I wasn't wearing it) when we were together. I told him yes, as a matter of fact, I still have it on.
He asked why I'm still wearing it. I told him I intended to as long as I was still married. A moral decision. He said why, because you are not going to be married soon. I told him I would as long as I still was married. He said we are only married legally. I said, yes, but we are still married legally, and before God I am still married. So I intend to honor my vows and I'm sorry if he has a problem with that.
I asked him if it bothered him that I still wore it. He said, yes, he would rather I didn't. I told him I'm sorry but I intend on wearing it anyway.
He also asked who I had been talking to on my cell- apparently he's checked the phone records and saw some numbers he didn't recognize. I told him who they were, some new friends and great sources of support.
I was able to keep my cool, although I am very frustrated and confused. I keep reminding myself, only believe half of what they do and none of what they say. He definitely said some things meant to hurt me or push my buttons, notably that I wasn't going to be married anymore.
Any thoughts out there?
I don't know what to make of this conversation. I don't know if this is a case of testing the changes, or just a case of misery wanting company.
BTW, thanks JB and IS, your support is so helpful! I'm glad to have some cheerleaders out there, especially when it feels like I'm doing everything wrong.
ROMB, I am wondering if he asked you a question he had already determined he wasn't going to like the answer to. If you had said you weren't wearing your ring, would he have come back with telling you that you're still married and you should wear it?
I had a similar conversation with my W about a month ago.
Originally Posted By: jbnati on behalf of Mrs. jbnati
W: Why? We're getting a D anyway. It's just a matter of time. It's coming.
So I feel your pain. I think at least part of it is the 'ol self convincing.
Is it practical for y'all to separate your phone records.
It sounds like your H for some reason is feeling like he's losing control and he's very frustrated. Unfortunately you can't have it both ways, i.e. he can't expect you to do what he wants to do while he's doing whatever he wants to do.
I think each one of us has our reasons for wearing or not wearing our rings. I am proud of you for sticking to your guns.
As one of the guys in my Men's group last Thursday said to me, you are following God in this. You are taking the right direction. I am proud of you for that, too, ROMB.
I think all of this is testing, and trying to drag you into the drama in addition to the fear of losing control.
Thanks, JB, I am trying to do the right thing as far as honoring my marriage. I don't know if it going to help save it, but it definitely makes me feel better about how I'm handling it. I'm proud of myself for taking the high road.
Journaling...
Had some interaction with H after D went to bed- we were discussing plans for Halloween today. We're going to take D trick or treating in his neighborhood. I mentioned to him something I heard about Steve Jobs buying his clothes in bulk, which reminded me of H because that's what he tends to do.
He made a snarky comment about some clothes (some that he bought for me)I left in a bag over there- I told him I must have left them by mistake when I was picking up stuff, and thank you because they will come in handy. I've lost a lot of weight so anything I don't have to buy is a good thing. He makes a snarky comment about 'glad he could help someone else's cause'.
I pretty much glazed over the comment, and just tried cracking a joke about helping 'his cause' instead. Then he hints that I could try on the clothes for him. My DB coach did say don't turn down opportunities when he reaches out, so I told him I would love to give him a 'private show'. Sorry folks, if this is TMI.
Anyway, then his comments turn to 'why not' and 'if that's what you want to do' as if he is just acquiescing to me. I'm thinking, wait? Wasn't this YOUR idea? I think he definitely wants the show, but now he has to make it look like he wasn't asking for it.
I feel a lot of jealousy coming from him, not sure if that's a good thing or not...
In regards to the ring, I think if I had told him I wasn't wearing it he would have said, 'see, I was right.' I'm glad you asked me that, because I hadn't thought about it that way. It helps, and makes me think you're right, its a test.
As far as the phones go, no, I can't separate them right now without causing a battle. He pays for both of our phones on a family plan, so I'd rather deal with him 'checking up on me' than dealing with him wanting to know why I need privacy. I have nothing to hide in that respect. He already keeps making comments about me 'moving on' (he absolutely hates my GALing) and I think doing that would only put fuel on that fire.
. i didn't sleep really well that night or even a few nights after that.