Ugh...stressed, sad, still hanging on by a thread

[jbnati]

Especially when I am attacked for no reason. I was able to not react, but geez, do I really deserve to be treated that way?

No, you don't deserve it at all. You're taking a lot of crap you don't deserve. I'm not sure it was 100% directed at you, though. Your H appears to be very confused and frustrated. Your 180 of not reacting is probably adding to his confusion and frustration. It's not necessarily a bad thing, though. If you reacted, it'll probably just give him confirmation of his decision to leave. Just my crack theory of the day.

I miss him and I still want to reconcile- but not with the person he is right now. This is not the guy I fell in love with.

I hear you loud and clear on this one. I can resemble this remark.

One of them, incidentally, is something of a WAS. She is unhappy with her H, says she has been the entire duration of her marriage. She is also cheating on him with an old friend.

Wow! The quintessential WAS. Re-writing history and everything. May give you some helpful insight, though.

She actually asked me if I would consider 'one on the side'. I told her no, definitely not. Told her I still loved my h, and that I couldn't do that to someone. She also told me that my H probably has one on the side as well based on the details and I guess she would know! I kind of knew that, but it still sux hearing it.

Good for you! You took a stand. You are doing the right thing. Just because your H is not doing the right thing, it doesn't justify doing the wrong thing yourself. I KNOW it stings actually hearing that, even if it's not a surprise. ((()))

Stay the course. You're being very strong. I'm praying for you.

[realormakebeliev]

Need some DB advice!

Here's the latest- H calls today and I didn't answer. My stomach was already in knots today, and I was really anxious about why he would be calling. He hasn't been friendly lately. So then he calls back a couple of minutes later, leaves a message saying he wanted to talk to D. I decided A. it would be a little less predictable for me to call him back later and B. I was in the car at the time and he really couldn't talk to D anyway (we've tried this in the car, he just can't hear her well).

TBH, I just didn't want to talk to him right then, either.

So 30 minutes go by, and I'm in a drive through getting lunch. He calls back, so I texted him I would call him in a few. When I call back, he asks what's going on. I said, nothing, I was on my way to town. He said I was being secretive, and when I asked why he said it was a gut feeling, and why couldn't I answer him.

I told him I didn't hear my phone (I do generally leave it on vibrate), and that I called him back when I could. I will spare some of the details, but he said in a nutshell that nothing has changed, I'm the same as I've ever been, but that it really doesn't matter anyway. Made some snarky comments about me texting all the time. He also says I don't answer questions directly- this isn't true in this case, I just don't feel the need to offer specific details of exactly what I'm doing unless he asks.

He also feels like I should be at his beck and call when I have D. This is nuts, since one of the things we discussed in MC was him not answering MY calls when he has her! He also says I have to tell him where I am when I have her.

For some history on this, my not answering the phone is one of his problems with me. I am just not a phone person. I always call back, but I don't feel that I am obligated to answer the phone simply because it rings. He thinks that is rude.

Intellectually, I know he has to get over my not answering the phone on the spot, especially if we are no longer together. He can not dictate I tell him every detail of my life if we are no longer a couple. I know he needs to miss me, and this is part of that.

What I don't know is what to say to him when these things happen. What is the DB thing here? If I push too much, its going to start a battle. Today all I could say was, 'sorry you feel that way' and 'you really haven't been around me enough to understand the changes I have made in my life'.

Lately he has really been harping on the 'changes' I have made, and I am not bringing them up AT ALL. It is ALL him. But, all of the comments he has made are 'nothing's changed' or 'things are just like they always were', etc.

Sorry for the length of this post. I did talk to a couple of DB friends and I do realize some of this is a control issue, and I will not call him back right away to demonstrate another 180 (in the past I would have called back right away and hung on like a rabid dog- not pretty but true).


EEEERRRRRRRR!!!!! What should I do??

[realormakebeliev]

Well, I didn't know what to do so I did nothing... I called him to let him tell D good night, no answer, he called back and told her good night. Discussed plans for this weekend, ended the call. Not a word about the earlier discussion.

Total call time, 5 minutes.

[jbnati]

ROMB, I think you did the right thing. I think short and sweet was in order. I'm glad he wanted to talk to his D.
FWIW, I'll offer up something our MC offered up a couple of years ago in regards to anger. He said it's usually related to fear or hurt. I think in the earlier incident, it was likely fear. Fear of losing control. And my DB coach once told me - fear is a powerful motivator, but a miserable guide. I think it can lead to irrational behavior. Just a couple things to think about.

[workinghardguy]

Jb's comment reminded me of something my EAP counselor told me when my sitch started and I was so angry with my W.

Anger is usually just internalized hurt. So considering how much I was hurting and then internalizing it, it was no surprise I was so angry.

It's a fair bet he's very angry as well because while he may not show it he is likely in incredible pain.

[realormakebeliev]

Thanks JB and WHG, I definitely think you're right- I do believe he is in pain. I can see it in his face. It makes me hurt sometimes because when you see someone you love in pain, you want to help them. But he won't let me.

I found a great article on finding hope, thought I would share it:

Finding hope

[workinghardguy]

I know ROMB, I have the same feeling. I see my w so sad and in pain. I just want to hold her and tell her it will all be ok. But I stop myself by trying to see through her eyes. Seeing that the hug, comment, offer would only make the pain worse. It only serves to remind her of what her immediate actions have wrought.

I have only held my w once like that since the bomb, and that was when she asked me to.

[jbnati]

Yes, y'all are right. It is SO tough seeing our spouses in pain when we know we are the last ones they want to help them through the pain.

Thanks for the sharing the ariticle, ROMB!

[2thepoint]

Hi there! I just wanted to comment on your H's harping on all your changes and that he feels like you you haven't changed. I think this is classic behavior for the confused spouse who is not sure if what he is seeing is real or a mirage. I think it was 25 who said the time + consistency = changes he can believe in.

Right now he appears to be testing you, trying to draw you in and engage so he can prove your changes aren't real.

Prove him wrong!

[Rick1963]

The swings in their behavior is amazing. They are just if not more confused than we are. At least we know that we love them and want to save our M. They have no clue of what they want other than some fantasy freedom away from us. No matter what they say, they are thinking about us, the house, the kids, the dogs, finances everything that we worry about. Real you are doing a great job keep it up.