My H deleted from his Facebook friends and changed his marital status to separated. It crushed me. But he still has our wedding pics and honeymoon pics posted. At least for now. I am hoping that is a good sign.
I'd say welcome to the club, but I'm sure it's not a club you wanted to join. I noticed one day when I logged on Facebook my married to W status changed to just married. At the same time I noticed she wasn't in my friend list anymore. Yes, it hurt. But I was also somewhat relieved. It may have been because I was tip-toeing through FB trying to avoid seeing anything that was going on with my W.
FWIW just a couple days after that, I started getting all these friend requests from people at my church. It's not her actions triggered this, either. It started with people who don't know my W that I've recently become friends with. Maybe you'll get a similar result?
You're on the crazy train ROMB. Trust me, it will get less crazy as time goes along.
WHG, H, and JB- thanks as always for the support. It does help to know I'm not the only one dealing with this.
Journaling...
After the FB debacle it seems like things started to snowball. H was at an event out of town and called past D's bedtime (she was already asleep). I didn't hear my phone. Of course, he was mad and made a comment about this being par for the course.
Follow that up with, I took some of D's things from the house while he was out. He knew I was going to be there, but I didn't mention taking Ds things because I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. He was furious, and threatened to escalate the D again. Again, he says something about 'nothing has changed'.
I'm confused by the 'nothing has changed' comments- I absolutely did a 180 on my reaction to his anger. Didn't take the bait and apologized. He's attacking me again, and it is over the most inane things.
I am so incredibly sad these days, and he seems completely bent on ending things. Anybody have some suggestions?
I think you did the right thing with your 180. It may take awhile for effects of your 180s to sink in.
I see a lot of H pushing buttons and testing you. He's expecting you to react a certain way. He's testing your changes to see if they're real. When he gets the expected reaction, he's convinced the changes aren't real. When you throw a 180 at him, it's confusing, and he may start to think the changes are for real. So - good job on the 180! Just my crack theory.
Keep up the 180s. Continue to work on being the best ROMB possible. Take care of your D. Try to avoid your H's roller coaster.
JB, I hope you're right about just pushing buttons to see if the changes are real. He definitely does that and I am doing my best not to react. I wish he could see in my heart- lately I surprise even myself with the shift in my thoughts. I find myself being more tolerate and kind, not that I wasn't before, but I was guilty of negative, unkind thoughts. I am really working on the power of positive thinking!
It kills me how he speaks to me when he's in front of other people- there is such an edge to his voice that isn't usually there when he's alone. It makes me think part of his problem is that he has painted himself into a corner with what he has told people about us.
Since all of the drama I posted about last, things are once again pleasant. I haven't seen him, however, since last week. We did have the longest conversation we've had in a while yesterday and it was positive overall.
I will definitely see him tomorrow, please keep me in your prayers! My pastor and the priest that married us keep reminding me that He is the God of impossibilities...
I wish he could see in my heart- lately I surprise even myself with the shift in my thoughts. I find myself being more tolerate and kind, not that I wasn't before, but I was guilty of negative, unkind thoughts. I am really working on the power of positive thinking!
Good for you! This is very good stuff! It sounds like you are using this to grow and become a better person. These changes don't sound like they're superficial, they're coming from deep inside. That's the only way the changes will last. Unfortunately, I don't think your H is in a position to truly understand or trust the changes, at least right now. That doesn't mean he'll never come around. But the bottom line is you are working on yourself. I think it will benefit your relationships with other people as well the relationship with your H.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Since all of the drama I posted about last, things are once again pleasant. I haven't seen him, however, since last week. We did have the longest conversation we've had in a while yesterday and it was positive overall.
Good, glad to hear it! Hold on to these positives, while at the same time be prepared for more testing and pull backs. It's all part of the WAS roller coaster.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
It kills me how he speaks to me when he's in front of other people- there is such an edge to his voice that isn't usually there when he's alone. It makes me think part of his problem is that he has painted himself into a corner with what he has told people about us.
I know what you mean. You can't focus on it though. You know where you are in the situation. I'm sure my W is telling people something entirely different from her side like, "Oh, we just couldn't work it out" or "We're just heading in different directions", etc. However, I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid. I know where I am on things and that's where I choose to focus.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
I will definitely see him tomorrow, please keep me in your prayers!
Will do!
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
My pastor and the priest that married us keep reminding me that He is the God of impossibilities...
I truly believe this from the depths of my soul. There's a reason I have the scripture I do in my signature, but that's a much longer story...
I believe God is using my situation for a purpose. I am getting occasional glimpses of it, but TBH I don't always see the big picture. When I take a step back and try to think about the big picture, I'm in a better place. So - when you get too close to the details of your situation, maybe it's time to take a step back and try to focus on the big picture.
Another day in paradise. Had some interactions with H I don't know what to make of. I bailed him out of a car situation, and took him to work with D in tow. He was in a very bad mood. I did my DB best and asked if he was ok, but left it there when he didn't elaborate. Didn't react when he jumped me because I missed his phone call. Didn't react to his temper. Didn't react to him making a snide comment about me texting.
A couple of times today (the first after I asked him if he was ok, the second as I left) he said, 'this is hard'. He also noticed my wedding band (I have decided to wear it regardless until I am no longer married, even if he doesn't) and questioned it. I asked him, does it bother you? He just shook his head no.
Today he is a puzzle, but at least I didn't do anything to make things worse, I think.
ROMB, Wow! He's definitely on his own roller coaster, isn't he? Not much sense in doing any sort of mind reading. His bad mood likely didn't have anything to do with you personally but could have been the situation or something totally unrelated.
Originally Posted By: realormakebeliev
Today he is a puzzle, but at least I didn't do anything to make things worse, I think.
If I'm reading this the way I think I may be, it tells you're starting to detach from his emotions. IOW, he's a puzzle, but it what it is and it's not going to affect how I'm feeling.
I think you did a pretty good job of DB'ing today. Sounds like it was pretty difficult and it took a lot of strength.
Thanks, JB. In some ways I do think I am starting to detach from his emotions. Especially when I am attacked for no reason. I was able to not react, but geez, do I really deserve to be treated that way? I love him, I miss him and I still want to reconcile- but not with the person he is right now. This is not the guy I fell in love with.
Last night I did some great GALing with some girlfriends, lots of fun. One of them, incidentally, is something of a WAS. She is unhappy with her H, says she has been the entire duration of her marriage. She is also cheating on him with an old friend.
She actually asked me if I would consider 'one on the side'. I told her no, definitely not. Told her I still loved my h, and that I couldn't do that to someone. She also told me that my H probably has one on the side as well based on the details and I guess she would know! I kind of knew that, but it still sux hearing it.
I'm hoping her hearing how much it hurt me to think my H is cheating will make her rethink her own situation. It did remind my how oblivious some people are to the hurt they inflict.
As much fun as we had last night, I can't help but be a little bummed this morning thinking about that part.
train ROMB. Trust me, it will get less crazy 
