W is angrier after my 180's - time + consistency

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Also.
you not moving out is not controlling.
It's standing up for what you believe in.

Can you explain why it is seen as controlling?

[25yearsmlc]

Please read his whole thread before 1) advising and 2) telling him to go against his DB coach's advice and even then maybe NOT....

I know it's hard, but you have to make sure you are not projecting your own sitch onto his.

GENERALLY, DBing says not to be the one to move out. There are exceptions.

2t, why the letter to her now? What's the goal, honestly?

Wouldn't it be more effective, if designed to get her to reconsider,

to write it later after you are gone and busy GAL, showing that your changes are real and lasting?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

telling him to go against his DB coach's advice and even then maybe NOT....

25,I clearly stated I wasn't telling him against his DB coach.

I will get caught up from the beginning.

[workinghardguy]

It's funny how one's own sitch can blind you to another's... so I never even questioned the moving out part 2TP. But it is something to consider.

In my own sitch I know when/if that comes I'll move out. It doesn't make sense to force three kids to leave their home and move just because mom and dad can't get along. And since the older two are stepchildren I can't very well tell my W to leave and I'll take care of the stepkids, since legally they're not my kids. I suppose I could tell W to take the stepkids and keep my S, but I don't want to tear him from his brother and sister.

So yes, there are exceptions and reasons why the LBS would be the one to move out. But all in all I definitely think about it hard.

[2thepoint]

My W's emotions have taken control of her and I feel very badly for her. My presence is a constant reminder of her pain and (guilt I think for pushing us in this direction and for the EA).

We are living in separate parts of the house at the moment and she keeps herself sequestered to the guest bedroom when I'm around. I do my best to keep my distance, (i.e. move to the MB when she is not in her room). She has said that it is unhealthy for us to live this way and I agree. So I say, lets not live this way and she responds that we are living a lie. It is weird that we are in separate rooms, pretending to be this happy family for our kids and people in the community. She is not interested in MC, has not provided an acceptable answer as to why and is really only looking for space.

Not moving out is not necessarily controlling per se, but my W has said that for years I have pressured her to do things my way and she has suppressed her anger and resentment for so long and is no longer willing to do it which is why she wants us to separate.

Yes, we are civil towards each other. In fact we've not had a terse word for each other since W dropped the bomb.

The house and all the assets are in both our names. And, yes I'm concerned for the children. But here's the thing. W has said very directly that "she is done" and wants me to move out.

I want to save our M and am doing everything I can to make that happen. She has not moved towards D yet and I am not willing to push her in that direction by antagonizing her. If by my moving out (and I hate the thought of it to my very core!) gives my W the space she needs while I can continue to work on me, then I feel like I have a better shot at making this work.

I mean, if only one party is currently in the mindset of working on the M and the other wants to move in the opposite direction, how does staying together help that?

We talk about detachment on this site as a way to bring couples back together and for me the best way to detach is to move out and really detach!

Of course the kids will be my primary focus and my W and I both agree that if the time comes for D we want as amicable R as possible so the kids are as minimally impacted as possible.

So now I'm a little conflicted...

[2thepoint]

25 - Why the letter now? Well I think I've moved off that idea for the time being for the reasons you and others have stated.

I think however where my mind was at in this is that if I'm going to move out to give my W the space she needs, it is a very big step and one that I may never be able to take back, so I guess I thought it would be appropriate to say my piece.

I realize I'm just a babe in the woods in terms of how long my sitch has been going and know that there is going to have to be a LOT OF TIME needed for healing, reflection and for my changes to take root. So I guess I am/was getting ahead of myself.

[workinghardguy]

She has not moved towards D yet and I am not willing to push her in that direction by antagonizing her.

Ah but she has... mentally if nothing else. In her mind she's divorced from you or at least separated.

BUT, given all other factors, if this is so terrible for her and she just can't do it, why doesn't she leave?

IMO, staying there is not controlling her. You're not telling her to leave, not threatening her to leave, or anything like that. You're controlling you. You're saying that you're not willing to walk out on your kids. She is welcome to do that.

If living in that situation is bad for her... well then she better put her big girl pants on and do something about that, right?

Otherwise she'd best figure out another solution.

Understand though this may trigger the D. In my state at least once that gets filed the parties have to physically separate. Who then goes is a big question.

Myself... I would hold on to the last possible moment. Make sure your kids know you stood your ground until you no longer could. It was certainly through no force of your own that you left.

And with that said, leaving is a bad term. It's not like you're heading to a foreign country, there are ways to make it work and be close. But the fact remains that you will have been the one to go out the door.

[Harrier]

WHG I get your points, but I think his DB coach is on board with it and they have specialized training in this.

What do you mean by separating my trigger the D? Separating does not trigger a D. The person still has to file and here may be some requirements ie. separating before the D is final.

[2thepoint]

I completed my DB Coach session this afternoon and it seemed to go fairly well. The coach thinks I am making good progress and that I should continue to look for small signs that W is taking notice (i.e. when W comments on changes shes observed, laughs more, shares space, etc.). She said that my W's willingness to "share space" with me is a big plus, (I mentioned in an earlier post that my W joined me and the kids for a few innings of the world series yesterday). She also said there is a lot of power in asking questions so avoid verbal controlling behaviors and ask questions as opposed to making statements.

I shared some examples of where I recognized how my W might have interpreted recent actions as potentially controlling and that after reflection I went back to seek additional input and confirmation of decisions and she thought that was good.

We discussed the potential move out again and I explained that my W's parents will be in town soon and spending the holiday in our home and that our current living arrangements (me in the MB, W in the guest BR) might be a contributing factor in my W's desire for me to be out of the house (shes not going to want to share the same bed with me once her parents arrive and she has to give up the guest BR). She asked me what my wife would say if I asked her "what is the most comfortable way for you to enjoy Thanksgiving once your parents arrive". Would she say "you need to be out of the house" or would there be another response? My gut says she would say "you need to be out of the house." So she suggested I pose the question differently - "how can Thanksgiving work the best for you?" and gauge the response. I'll know then what I need to do.

Coach recommended I explore L ramifications of a move as some on this board have also suggested. She also said that if I choose to "go dark" that I should hold off until more positive changes and interactions have occurred to allow for them to be cemented which would create the greatest opportunity for W to recognize and miss them when they are absent.

So, all in all a pretty good session both with my IC and the DB coach.

Note to self - don't schedule IC and DB coaching sessions on the same day. Too much re-plowing of the same old ground.

[25yearsmlc]

I assumed you had discussed this moving out with a L....if not, do so at once.

Second, since there do seem to be some positives going on so why change what may be working? Did I miss something?

Why go dark NOW? Not sure I got that.