Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - Good Stuff

[jbnati]

Val, I think you did just fine. I have no qualms with it. She'll respond when she responds.

[JustStunned]

^^^^^what JB said.

As Sandi's sig line goes "Do what works"

Praying for you Val. ((()))

[Valeska19]

Thanks JB.

@JS. I don't know if it works but I think this may work for me.


Journaling - be warned.. I think this may be a long one.

I've been in a funk.. for awhile. My posts have been anything but upbeat because in alot of ways.. I've been anything but upbeat.

At the beginning of September, I felt like I was about to explode. I felt that although I was upbeat and positive.. I was in turn ignoring this deep feeling of hurt and betrayal that my w has caused me. That it some ways, my positivity had reached a point of almost being shallow because it was getting to difficult to ignore those darker feelings.

So I took the plunge to just sit in them. Scared that I might lose control, many people advised me that in order to move on - I had to feel those things. I had to get through this stage.

It's been a rough two months. I've been having a hard time getting out of bed. I cry almost daily. I have screamed a few times. I punched the sh!t out of my pillow. I told God that I just can't handle it. The pain too great, the fear too strong, my faith.. too weak.

I think I kept expecting in these two months that this would just blow over. That I wouldn't have to fight through it. That one day - I would wake up and I would have accepted my situation.

Silly Val - why would this journey be any less difficult than the road traveled thus far??

I think for me.. it's become more difficult because I feel that it's time to let go. To let go of my w and our m. To move forward with the knowledge of who I am and who my w is and that our journeys are no longer connected. To let go of my fears that if I do this or do that.. she won't think I love her.. or a certain action will doom my marriage forever.

To let go and start making my life about ME vs. about her.

The truth is that my w walked away from our m. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't bad. She chose to cut me out of her life entirely. She chose to let me hanging when I was in my car accident. She chose to take money from the account w/o telling me. She's choosing to get a D. She's choosing to say our m only counts when it financially suits her.

Those are her truths. I have validated her messed up childhood. I have understood the burden she must have felt being the breadwinner for the past 3 yrs. I have looked deep within myself and have done my damndest to change the valid points she has made known.

I do not regret this.

But understanding is not excusing and I need to stop painting my w as such a pretty picture. I need to stop painting myself as such an ugly one.

I was very much a doormat in our relationship and I have posted many times about how my w treated me. In short - she didn't treat me that great. I didn't set up boundaries and in trying to love her so much - I took away any reasons for her to love me. I just started becoming this weak, sappy, spouse who would enable my w instead of growing with her. Instead of growing myself.

This has to change. Because I want to change. I don't want to be punished for my feelings or being told I wasn't worth it. If my w feels those things.. I cannot change her but I can't let her feelings dictate who I am. If this is tough love - so be it. If it guarantees the demise of my m - so be it. DBing is about saving us right... then so be it. It has to be this way..

Because she is only ONE person.. one person in my life.

I worked on House yesterday. I had like 30 people say how excited they were for me. Should I really allow the fact that because my w didn't say anything beat me down - he!! no.

Should I let it beat me down that my wife doesn't want a relationship with me when I am constantly being loved by others - he!! no.

Can I be sad - yes.. but I'm tired of crying over her. I really wish we could have made our m work, but I will survive. I will stop giving her power over the happiness of my life. I will stop giving her power over my self worth.

Now if only I could delete her from FB... because the truth is that if anybody else had said what she said.. she wouldn't be my friend... Stupid feelings.

Thanks for listening to me rant. I hope this is one of many posts that will continue to help me get through this dark tunnel. The tunnel will only end when I have walked through it. When I have stepped into the light and said "I made it".

[~¤DG¤~]

(((V)))

I can relate to so much of what you just said.

Yes, you do have to feel those feelings. As much as it hurts and suks you have to feel them. The good news is they won't last forever, they really won't. I found that very hard to believe at first but it's true. It's all part of the healing process.

It is hard to let go. I still struggle with it, although some times are easier than others.

She is only ONE person, and there are so many people that love you, that's pretty amazing.
You give such wonderful, thoughtful advice to others (including myself) and I have no doubt you'll come through this stronger & better than ever.

[JustStunned]

Val,

I have watched you grow through this journey. There is still more growth and journey ahead of all of us. Will we have the courage to take the journey and grow? I for one will not stop, for when we stagnate we begin to waste away.

Face the fear; embrace the change, and look back occasionally to appreciate your courage and journey. It is something to build upon.

Could it be that you feel ready to “drop the rope”. I have dropped mine many times, picking it up and dropping it again. It is back there somewhere in the darkest portions of tunnel you spoke of.

Pain is a warning. It lets us know when we are injured. It also tells us we are not dead. I believe the pain of this experience tells me I will love again, for I am not dead inside.

You are not dead inside. You are loved and will love again.

The pain I felt carrying the rope was an indication of the harm it was doing me so eventually I ceased to pick it up again.

You are coming through this portion. What direction lies ahead is for you to decide. You will use these experiences to set your heading. There is no single path. There is no right path. What lies ahead has only been vaguely charted. What lies between your present position and your destination is the series of experiences that shape the journey.

Discoveries to make, life to savor.

This is/was some of those experiences. Learn from them Grow from them.

[Valeska19]

Thanks DG - I appreciate your kind words.

@ JS - Yes.. I do feel ready to "drop the rope". It's soaked in acid and I feel my hands are too far gone to hold on any longer.

That was kind of a gross picture.. sorry.

But there is a part of me that isn't ready to give up. There is no pride in this saying.. I just don't want to. I feel like I'm putting conditions on my love for her - although I also fear that if I don't.. I will hang on forever because of that love.

But there is no reason to try and get blood from a stone any longer.

Journaling - My wife got back to me pretty fast. Our next session is November 1st. I got upset with her that she responded so fast.

I get upset at her for taking care of something. I mean I want her to be responsible, but because it's in regards to D.. I don't want her to be??? Because I show her tough love and she doesn't buck against me.. I get angry at her??

That's dumb.. and conditional love.

It's like if I admit the positive in her, I can't continue to be mad at her for leaving me. If she is changing for the better, than I use the justification that she is the same w.. because she left me.

It's like I have to be right or the better person because I'm the LBS. Because I need some explanation for her need to cut me out of her life.

I just need to pray to God for a changed heart in this area. If I show her tough love and she reacts in good way.. or if I set boundaries and she respects them.. then I need to be okay with it. I need to be okay with more 180's not equaling recon or even her speaking to me.

I need to not let my hurt and pain twist my intentions to show her tough love or loving from a distance.

The first round of 180s were easier because they were benefiting me. It was me working on myself.. loving myself. These next 180s will be much more difficult. They will require me truly loving my w. In a time of such pain, I will have to love her more than I ever have. I will have to love her the most in a time where she has loved me the least. Man.. the timing is a b!tch.

I'm sad that this is really a lost cause. I'm sad that I will be rejected regardless of what I do.

[Telemark]

"I'm sad that this is really a lost cause. I'm sad that I will be rejected regardless of what I do."

V...this looks like acceptance to me. And that's a good step. It's a painful, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching step, but it is the one most of us will take sooner or later. I am at the same place; I do not want to accept the end of my marriage, but I have to.

Once we accept the circumstances and know that we did all we could do, but can do no more, we can move forward without the burden of "what if's".

[luvhurts49]

Telemark is right, acceptance is a good step. I wish I was able to accept that my M is coming to an end and all that I know and cared for will be changed forever. But just like V, I don't want to give up, I don't want to lose that love for my W, I don't want to let go.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we love and care for our S, no matter how many 180's we do, or how much DBing we do, in the end, it all comes down to what our S wants. We can make ourselves the best that we can be, but if our S doesn't want to be a part of it, then it is over. It [censored], it hurts, and it isn't fair, but that is the simple truth of it all. I'm not saying that anyone should give up hope, only that in the end, there is little that we can do to change our S minds.

[JustStunned]

Val, feel how you feel. I am glad you can express it and feel comfortable enough with us to express it here. Remember moving forward is only a prelude to moving on. Moving forward makes you stronger.

After moving forward for a time you may find you have moved on or you may feel ready to make the decision to move on. IMO this will happen much later in this journey.

Do we need to focus on where we are, on whether we are moving forward or on? I don’t think so. What difference does it make so long as what we do is healthy for us individually?

I think we need to focus on doing the things that make us stronger. Focus on doing the things that make us complete, better and happier. Focus on doing these things for us as individuals first. Focus on the actions rather than the status.

Do rather than be and when you can no longer do but must be, be in the moment now. Do not let the past drag you down.

Of course we will reflect on what was, and we may feel pain when we do. I am suggesting we cannot allow the past to dominate our present. We are sad and this is normal and healthy. We grieve for what has been or what will be lost. At some point we need to put the grief away and move forward, lean into it. You are doing this each day.

(((V)))

[Valeska19]

@ TM - Maybe it is acceptance. Maybe it is me giving up. I really try to not limit God's greatness.. but then again we all have to be open to receive God's grace and love.

@ JS - I completely agree about moving forward vs. moving on. I have always been a "driven" person. Setting goals and seeing that if I met this goal, I have succeeded.. if I go back in any way, I have failed in some way.

That kind of thinking doesn't apply for this situation. I will continue to go 2 steps forward, one step back for awhile. As long as it's still forward, it's still progress.

Journaling - Had a fantastic shoot yesterday. It was a good bounce back after a very tough shoot with the commercial company last week. The director, DP, and myself were very worried going into yesterday. But we came out on the other side on time, with a good product, and a few extra shots! (no not booze.. )

Got alot of "great jobs" and it was a "pleasure working with you". The director came up to me, gave me a genuine "thank you" and said "See ya on the next one!".

Bonus!

I got asked back to work on "House". I'm pretty excited about that.

Still having some troubles moving forward on the D front. Having a hard time doing things that move me in that direction. I used to be afraid that not moving forward meant I was "hanging on". Now I just really don't have a desire to get on that rollercoaster. Life is so much calmer when I don't have to deal with sitch, don't have to deal with w. The longer I go without talking to her, the better and more stable I feel.

Will have to look into that.

Woke up this morning though wanting to put my ring back on. I took if off over 5 months ago because it was painful to keep on. I felt it was stopping me from accepting the sitch I was in.. stopping me from thinking about me. I did it in alot of ways to protect myself when I was very fragile.

Today - I wanted to put it on to remind myself that although I am in this sh!tty situation.. I am still married. My w may think "Our vows do not apply anymore" but I still feel they do.

Maybe it's because I am longing for some companionship. There is a director that I am insanely attracted to. Director/Assistant Director relationships are like marriages in many ways. We have built a really strong one in the past 11 months. There has been no flirting and or anything of that nature. I just find myself thinking about her often.

I don't want a relationship with this director because she too is coming out of a long relationship so we are both dealing with our BS. She is very guarded in alot of ways and I need to make sure I'm not attracted to another version of my w. But I still have these thoughts that are like "well let's just see how things unfold over the next couple of years.. after her and I have completely healed from this time in our lives".

WTF!

Anyway, I do not want my current w or my old m. It was unhealthy and very harmful to me. I'm sure harmful to her also. But I am committed to treating us in a way that is healthy for the duration of our m. Because of that, I feel inclined to put my ring back on?

Or is it another way of holding on?

Or a way to uphold myself to our vows and marriage when I am feeling tempted?

I don't know I'm rambling.