Glad to hear things are changing and that your D is doing better. Glad to hear you have your balance about you.
How's the GF reacting to the ex coming around?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
MHL, what gave me the "chill" you describe is her saying the part about not wanting YOU to revert to old habits...because that, coupled with her not talking about herself anymore, again made it seem like she was externalizing the problems of the marriage on to you.
Antonia, Yes, she is definitely externalizing the demise of the marriage. I suspect it is way too painful to look at her actions and think about them. My XW is currently exchanging letters with my D14 (soon to be 15) and they are going through my daughter's therapist. The issues that my daughter has with her mother are the same as mine but from a perspective of daughter and mine are from the perspective of a husband.
I think that it takes a very long time for the MLCer to start to think about and put themselves in the shoes of those people around them that they have hurt.
My XW has acknowledged that her decisions have caused pain however she sees her own pain as an "equalizer" of sorts. They have to realize that they are the "architects" of their own misery. I think that comes when they start to realize that they alone have the power to make themselves truly happy.
When and if they do ever trully make themselves happy then comes the realization that no one else in their lives ever really caused them to have the problems they had or are having.
We too hopefully find this out.......when you do it is liberating and life changing.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
You are an inspiration man.
I love this too:
Quote:
The lesson for all of us is that it is not about finding that green patch of grass but rather learning to grow the green grass under your own feet.
Keep us posted.
Tad
Tad,
Thank you, I am glad that my story inspires you. I come back to post my story to show that this thing, MLC does exist and it takes a very long time.
MLC is not an excuse, just an explaination of something that is nothing short of horrific for everyone involved. My hope is that anyone reading, and especially you TAD, can gain some insight or perspective or some better understanding to their own situation.
Hard to believe that I am 2 years and 4 months post bomb and I still clearly see that my XW is still in the throws of her MLC. After this much time you get to be a professional at spotting the behavior and the language of the MLCer. The understanding helps you remain detached and unaffected by their words and deeds.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I have been pretty open with my girlfriend about my XW. I did tell her about the apology letter because it affects my D14 and my girlfriend is part of my children's lives as I am a part of hers.
My GF and I have some pretty robust and fairly deep discussions about relationships and individual wants and needs. I have not shared this latest exchange with my GF. Not so sure that the topic of "marriage" would serve our relationship very well right now. It is not something that is on the radar and not neccessarily something I want to discuss.
I am not considering a run at reconciliation with my XW so it is not part of my relationship with my GF.
One of the things that my XW and I talked about was the fact that she does not know what she wants.....ie, she is not interested in reconciliation or even trying. I told her that obviously if I get married I am not an option for her or anyone else. I also told her that I like the idea of being married and that I would like to be married again one day whether or not it is with my current GF remains unseen at this point.
I very clearly told my XW that I am going to continue to live my life and right now I am sharing my life with my GF. That could lead to marriage or not.....who knows????
As time goes on and my feelings grow for my GF, I can say that a little bit of the "bond" I had with my XW diminishes a little bit. I still love my XW and always will, but time does take its toll and I have put a wall around those feelings with my XW and I am nuturing those same feelings with my GF, so life marches on and I will not put my life "on hold" again.
I will say that this experience has changed how I am building the relationship with my GF. If I am feeling something, I tell her without fear, that is probably the single biggest thing that I have learned. If my needs are not being met then I let her know, and usually there is something that I am not doing that she is reacting to and we deal with it. The thing is that whatever it is that is bothering her is something that I did not even realize I was or was not doing and I am more than happy to correct.
Hope you are doing well also AJ.......
Happy Little Friday!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Going through MLC with someone makes us so much a better partner, communicator, and friend in other relationships...
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Well, your mind goes where it is gonna go......Freudian slip maybe?????? ROTFLMAO!!!!
I am not so sure that 2 would be a blessing, probably more like a curse, LOL!!!!
Yes, I remember the journey......
and I appreciate your assessment of my progress on that journey.......honestly I don't even know where the destination lies any more or if there is an endpoint.
It is funny because when I was talking to my XW the other night she was talking about being on a "journey" and she wants to get to that place where she is happy on her own. She is so very focused on the destination and not on taking the "steps" to get there.
It is the action of taking the steps that makes you trully happy.......soooooooo
While I may be in Utah and nearing the Pacific Ocean, I am sure I will be turning around and coming right back......kinda of like Forrest Gump!!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
