Looking for the silver lining...

[irishblessings]

As most of you know - I have struggled quite a bit with expressing or even letting myself feel anger over my situation. I've felt an immense amount of sadness, embarrassment, despair - but little anger.

I think it is changing. I have been so angry over the last couple of days. XH's choice to divorce has intentionally and selfishly made life SO hard for my son and myself. The work of living - maintaining the home - the kids' lives - the money - it is so very difficult to keep it all going and I am ANGRY because I feel like it is so unfair that his decisions have such a profound impact on MY life. From the time he left - he has NEVER looked back - NEVER!!!! I have tried to keep it together and keep it going - but I am SO MAD that he led me on for so long. That he LIED through counseling - that he turned his back on his vows and on our faith. I am angry for my son because if he wants to share something with his parents he now has to make extra efforts to reach his dad. My son feels so much stress any way - just the normal senior in high school drama/stress - WE as his parents should still be together and providing for him a safe, secure environment. I am angry that I allowed myself to align all of my self-esteem in HIS opinion of me. Then when his opinion of me became the hideous target and scapegoat for all of what ailed him it knocked me out. Now I am trying to figure out how to live a life where my priorities are God, Self, Family instead of Husband, Family, God.

I am venting - I know. And I know I sound somewhat immature - a written tantrum - but I got to get these poisonous thoughts out!!

Thanks for listening!

[AntoniaB]

IB you should very much let this stuff out. This is a really important "stage" to go through, and until you do, you do remain stuck. So let it fly...knowing that when the anger stage starts to dissipate, you'll be moving more and more towards acceptance. The anger can come back, all the stages do, but not for as long and as strong.

I think anger sometimes really works to light a fire under us and mobilize us to act in some fashion that's to our benefit. So good for you!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Irish, I understand.
I'm no longer pining the loss of my M or my H, much anymore.
Like you though, if I'm not exactly angry, I'm inconvenienced in the extreme by his actions and sometimes resentful because of it.

1) I look after all the interactions with the teachers/counselors and my kids.The elder is having a very hard time due to off and on depression, teenage physical changes, being in a new school and starting Jr. Highschool, rough by any standard.
2) Maintaining the family home, kids lives money...yep, count me in, in addition to having a brand new job where I'm still learning the system and dealing with all the paperwork/issues.

The rest of your writing I so empathize with because it's my life too.

However, I'm starting to now look at my life in a positive light. Because the truth is I am a manager, I am an organizer, I am competent, resourceful, flexible and a darn nice person to be around.
Although I may not thrive under extreme pressure, I'm surviving and I am turning from graphite into diamond.

He is the loser in this. He's losing the ability to connect with our children, he barely knows what's going on in their lives, because he doesn't ask and doesn't really want to know how much they are struggling without him. I no longer really wish to speak to him because it's all superficial and that I can get elsewhere...like the grocery store checkoout.

My kids and I will be ok, better thank ok. We have support, extended family , loving supportive friends, schools and community.
He's got nothing and the sad part is he's chosen that for himself.

[irishblessings]

Thanks for the support! Found out today that XH is back with OW - guess that means it is "true" love! Me - I spent this BEAUTIFUL day at a college football game with my son watching one of my daughters dance. BLESSED BEYOND BELIEF!!! I am the LUCKY one!

[punkin]

IB,

Trust me, you are not a 'slow learner'. If this was a graded course, we'd all pray for a curve.

While I am in many respects very happy with my life at present, at night, when I turn out the lights, my mind still goes to 'movie mode' even if I am sleeping. I will awaken going over for the hundred thousandth time what and where did everything go so wrong?

I am also angry at being cheated out of what 'should have been' after all these years. All the knowing I am better off doesn't always make you FEEL better off. When I feel this way, I like to reflect that HE is feeling much the same way, also. Wondering if MY life is better than HIS. Childish, but effective.

[irishblessings]

I just got home from a long weekend - visiting middle D in college - taking S for a college recruitment visit. XH was to have S's car repaired. Called him when we got back to town last night to ask about status - update him on the visit. Civil, ok...

Fast forward - 3pm today in my office - I receive an email from XH:
Numbered 1-10: Items he is unhappy about. He was "hurt" that neither S or myself contacted him about the college visit. Stated that he had to make 3 trips to get the car because the key wasn't where it was supposed to be. I texted him where I thought it was - S put it somewhere else...no conspiracy. XH states "Based on my difficulty finding the key - I am concerned S is being taught to lie in order to cover up mistakes and I don't want that influence on him." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WHAT????

Then comes the attachment - mind you, this email was sent to both my son and myself. Attached to the email was a list titled: Top 25 things S must do in order to have access to car and to have $XXXX paid towards his SECOND year of college: what followed was a list of 25 items / how much time S had to spend with XH / how many contacts he had to make / daily routines / grades / etc. My first thought was - "Who is going to pay for his FIRST year of college?" and then "WHO THE H*LL is supposed to monitor the 25 items required for S to have access to the car he was given for his 16th birthday???/"

S is not communicating with his dad. That is not because of me. XH and HIS ATTORNEY wrote the divorce agreement that gives me FULL custody and him parenting time that is..."MUTUALLY AGREED UPON BETWEEN SON AND FATHER". I am NOT involved in those arrangements - nor have I interfered in ANY access!!!!!

I am SO exhausted by this pattern. I reach out, have a civil discussion, and within 24 hours I am SLAMMED with orders from the NARCISSIST who left his only S during his junior year in high school!!! AND to worry about my influence on him regarding LYING-----ARE YOU F'NG KIDDING ME???????????

OW is back on the scene as well - stopping by S's place of employment with his Dad and presenting as though they never broke up. Telling S how hard XH is trying to be a GREAT father.

I apologize for this rant...but I have to purge! Every interaction with X leaves me feeling flattened - I did not respond to the email. I don't know if I will. I can't argue with a lunatic. Nor can I respond to someone with such HIGH standards for everyone else's behavior.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[beatrice]

IB I know this is really awful for you. The pattern is what I call 'push me pull me' They draw a little closer, and get a little involved in their old lives, and then are spooked by the feelings it unlocks, or threatens to. I don't think any of this is conscious btw.

So they pull a little closer, scare themselves, and pull away, making up the silliest excuses to you themselves, or others, or lists of excuses in your xh's case.

You will not get fairness, consideration, rationality or kindness in response to normal behaviour. If you did then he wouldn't be in MLC.

My xh is gradually entering reality [I think] It is so slow that you can hardly see it, and yet compared to last year he is further forward, And yet, we exchanged a few emails about three weeks ago, and then nothing from him until he sent me an obituary notice of an older friend of ours . . . No note, nothing. Now if you take the trouble to send someone that my xh knows I thought highly of, and couldn't have known had died, you might 'expect' the shortest of notes? But I acknowledged the gesture with a brief note of thanks.

I decided long ago that I was going to continue to be normal around his crazy behaviour and not react to it. I can't say if it has any effect on him, but it makes me feel better about myself.

Personally i would ignore all of this for a while. he will likely forget, and if he doesn't, deal with it then. With MLCers I have found it is usually better to procrastinate, and they often change their mood and mindset several times a day.

i also think they spin even faster coming out of the crisis.

[irishblessings]

Beatrice - thanks for that perspective. I honestly hadn't thought of it that way = just way too angry.

I worry about S. He and his father used to be close. S is so angry and embarrassed and fed up with his Dad. But he is seeing a counselor and he tells me he is fine talking to her about these feelings. He says he is not ready nor willing to share his feelings with his Dad - maybe for the same reason I won't engage - why talk to crazy? I just don't want S to have regrets for lost opportunities. He did email his counselor and share the letter he got from his Dad, so I think that is a good step. S and I are doing better - that's good as well.

I need a vacation / I need money / I need laughter / I need a break!!!!

[kml]

You might point out to S that anger is guilt turned outward. I see this as your ex feeling really really bad, guilty and sad that he wasn't part of the college tour (and knowing darn well it is his own fault) and projecting that outward.

[irishblessings]

kml - that is one way to look at it. I really can't begin to dissect the behavior. I know how frustrated it leaves me and be honest - I don't need it. S is a little over a month away from turning 18. I am really at the point of being done with any interaction. I don't need to be told the errors of my parenting ways. S doesn't need a checklist of behavioral expectations in order to use his car or have his "2nd year of college" supported (????can't even begin to think about what he is thinking here)!! What I know for sure is I don't need or want ANY of it in my life. I need a break - NO CONTACT is FOR ME!