Ugh...stressed, sad, still hanging on by a thread

[In_Shock]

I wanted to say I'm thinking about you. The whole push and pull thing is not easy to deal with. It's not a normal thing to have to deal with!!

So you also get 25's voice saying 'shut up..." in your mind?? She smacked me with that free 'legal' advice a few times. I'm a very very shy person until one gets to know me, then apparently I talk way too much!

Your changes are showing -- he is noticing. Say little -- do alot. Love your baby. I see positives in your interactions. H will also see those, and may pull back === but keep on working on you. I think a massage is a wonderful idea. I'd love one myself!! That or at least some acupuncture.

[realormakebeliev]

Hi IS, I've been thinking about you, too. Hope things are well on your end!

Scheduled my first appointment with a coach, stoked about that! My money is very, very tight, so this is a huge deal for me. The massage is going to have to wait! I had to only purchase one for now, and hope I can come up with some funds for more.

I did see H this morning, it wasn't bad but I can't say it was good, either. I just tried to stay upbeat and positive. He was standoffish, and seemed sad and tired. He had an appt with his C today right after. He asked me to do a favor right after, I did and he thanked me.

My anxiety is back full force today. I did some GALing today with D, but it is so hard to stay focused on anything right now. Detaching is still a vague concept to me. I sure hope my coach can help...

[jbnati]

ROMB, I think detaching will help with your anxiety. I have seen a substantial decrease in my anxiety after doing some detaching from my W's drama and emotions.

I think your coach will be able to help. Since money's tight for you, you may want to take some time to prepare for your session. Put together a pretty good summary of what going on right now. Write down your questions ahead of time. I think the more you can prepare, the more you will get out of your session.

Off the wall question: have you taken your D to get a pumpkin yet?

[realormakebeliev]

Hi JB, detaching is so hard for me right now, but I am working on it. I took some of 25s 'free legal' advice and that definitely helped with it, I have to say.

That is great advice on the coaching session, I'll definitely do that next time. It was very helpful talking to my coach. After I thought, ya know, that really isn't anything I didn't already know, but she was able to help me focus and create a plan. I've got to come up with a way to pay for more sessions.

I did take D to the pumpkin patch! We have already carved it up- she picked out a witch- and have two more to go! This time of year is so much fun.

Today, although I'm not letting myself get too excited about it, was a good day with H. I did some GALing at D's school and H was supposed to pick her up and spend some time. I called to make sure he was on time (he is chronically late) and he ended up asking me to lunch! We had a nice time.

After he said his good byes to D, he would normally come around the car and say bye to me- not today. I was disappointed but put my game face on. After I took off he called me and apologized for 'the way he left'. I did my DB best (very proud of myself here and a definite 180) and told him no big deal, changed the subject and got off the phone first.

Yea me! I am really avoiding R talk at the advice of my coach, and that seemed to be where he was headed saying something about that 'it still killed him'. I also didn't react to something that popped up at lunch that was a reminder of a possible D, too. Being able to leave all of that alone is an accomplishment for me.

Overall, it was nice. We had a fun, upbeat time and I did my best with the DBing. Still praying for a miracle!

[realormakebeliev]

Gah, another punch to the gut...sometimes I hate FB. Saw a pic of H online with another mystery female.

Why is it every time I feel marginally better something like this pops up? Will this crap ever end?

[Queen_of_Swords]

ROMB...please do yourself a favor.
Get off facebook. Why torture yourself that way.
He has his life right now, and it doesn't include you. A hard thing to face up to as it is. You choosing to check his FB page is a disservice to yourself.
I know it hurts. Take care of you first.

[realormakebeliev]

Hi QS,

I agree with the sentiment but I do have mixed emotions about FB- it has definitely given me more opportunities to GAL and reconnect with old friends. Sadly, the pic was posted on the newsfeed of a mutual friend- I wasn't even checking his.

You are absolutely right, though, about him having his own life right now and that it doesn't include me. I have to come to terms with that.

Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate it.

[jbnati]

ROMB, so sorry you saw that. You may be best served blocking his feed. ((()))

I think you are doing a lot of things well. It sounds like you are making progress. Just don't try to get ahead of yourself. Remember, marathon not a sprint.

I am praying for a miracle on your behalf as well.

BTW - I was looking for a clue on the pumpkin thing.

[realormakebeliev]

So much for progress. I looked at FB again (yeah, I know, I was actually looking for my mom) and noticed my marital status looked different. He deleted me as his wife. I was crushed and immediately dissolved.

Made the mistake of calling him, he was nasty, and he told me he was trying to delete his FB account all together. Asked me if I would do it for him.

Is this the expected backlash? I have been looking for it, but this caught me completely off guard. I am devastated. Never expected something so stupid as his FB status to hurt so damn bad.

How can one day involve so many highs and lows?

What do I do now?

[workinghardguy]

RMB... wow, two posters with Facebook deletions in one day... that must be some type of record...

If it makes you feel any better, and it may or may not, he didn't delete you as his W most likely. He probably just hid that status from being publicly visible. My W did the same thing a few weeks ago. She didn't tell me she was doing it, just did it and god did it hurt. I actually confronted her it made me so angry, and all I got was "I didn't plan to.. it just seemed like the right thing to do when I was cleaning up my profile".

How is it they all follow the same general script? It's amazing really... But if you look at my W's page from her login it still says she's married to me. If/When she deletes that it will tell me (and everyone btw in a broadcast posting). The day she dropped the bomb on me was the day before our anniversary. She then removed our anniversary date from her FB page that afternoon and FB sent me an email telling me she did it. Boy did that surprise her!

And yes... this is, if you're lucky, the repercussion of the high you had. He got close, too close for his own comfort, and now had to really "reset the bubble" so you know where things are at.

I don't know if it's worth it or not... but about two weeks ago I got fed up beyond belief with my W "resetting the bubble" every couple of days with hurtful/spiteful comments or acts. So I confronted her, nicely and not aggressively. I validated where she is at, that I am fully aware of her feelings, and that I didn't need these repeated comments/statements/acts that appear to be intended to help me understand she still wants me out of her life at some point.

She actually apologized and said she wasn't conscious of doing it. I can't say that it's made it 100% better... maybe 75% better or 50% better, ask me in a week it might change But it has helped me.