Why do I accept in someone, much less than I am committed to give myself?
It is a very good question to ask.
How do we stop that?
TG - In some ways I always have. She's been so troubled. Always struggling internally. So when she starting dropping the ball on stuff or backing away emotionally, I thought I was being loving by stepping in. Being her knight in shining armor. Letting it be "ok" how she acted or felt.
It's odd that she doesn't want me yet she still allows me to play that role.. or will get upset if I don't play it. In some ways, I don't even think she is aware of it.
How do we stop that you ask?? I don't know. I understand the concept of tough love (for a better word) and boundaries but I've never really done either.. or when I have they have been not respected or twisted into coming from a place of anger.
The sacrificing, putting her first.. I have down pat. But I have a hard time seeing boundaries as being loving.
It's something I'm working on though.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Been thinking about what people have been saying. Of course I agree with alot of it.. of course I'm afraid to actually do it. Much prayer is needed from me.
I realized that the 22nd is a Saturday. I know my pastor spends that day with his family. I'm not going to pretend that I don't want to be the one to coordinate anymore.. BUT.. I'm also not comfortable with asking my pastor to give up family time. I know his heart is full of love so he wouldn't mind serving.. I just don't think it's right to ask when it doesn't make a huge difference if we meet in November.. other than the fact that I know she wants out asap.
So here is what I am thinking to send to w. Feedback is greatly appreciated.
----------------------- W, M (our pastor) dedicates Saturdays to spending time with his family. Although I have no doubt of his love or willingness to serve us, I feel uncomfortable asking him to give up his family day, especially given the fact we meet at his house so his family and roommate will also have leave.
With our schedules conflicting throughout October, we can revisit our next session in November.
Best, Val
----------------
PS. I really suck as this. Communicating with w causes so much anxiety and fear. I wish I had more confidence in this area and less fear on how she will respond.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, I think you can make the first paragraph a lot simpler. It's probably more information than you need to provide. You can just state your pastor's simply not available on that day, or that it's not going to work. JMVHO.
. You can just state your pastor's simply not available on that day, or that it's not going to work.
The truth is that I don't know if he is available. He says that he'd prefer not to do weekends but of course will help in any way.
I just feel uncomfortable being the one asking for help knowing this. I feel uncomfortable asking him for this.. for my w.. not for me. Maybe I can add if she wants to ask him to go ahead, my schedule is open that day... or something like that.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, JMO and keeping in mind I am an old grunt with all the tact of a hand grenade. I suggest keeping it short and simple. And with this in mind.
Quote:
I just don't think it's right to ask when it doesn't make a huge difference if we meet in November
W, M has previous engagements booked for every day I/we have available for the next three weeks pushing the next session to November XX. Best, Val
Like I said all the tact of a hand grenade, so rewrite it as if you see fit, but keep it factual, the less emotive the better. Pick a date in November that your pastor and you can agree to. Use it for XX, and let your W meet it. We’re talking about three to four weeks of lead time. If it is important to her she should be able to juggle her schedule to accommodate yours.
Exude confidence and control of self.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Trying to stay awake as I work overnights this weekend. I'm by nature a morning person so w/o lots of coffee - Val gets extremely grumpy.
Was talking to my best friend today about my family. All of my family lives in Pennsylvania. My m very much separated me from them. I hardly went home or felt like I fit in. I found myself not dealing with their health issues or found myself angry at them. I always felt like it was because I was the "gay" daughter or the "gay" sister.. but I'm not so sure that was the reason. I'm still "gay" after all.. I always felt justified in my actions.
But when my life came crumbling down this past year, they stepped in. It was like our past didn't matter. The fact that I was "gay" didn't matter. They wanted to be there for me and I wanted them to be there.. it was a huge step in a positive direction.
It was a huge step that has drastically changed our relationships.
When my sister found out she was sick.. she did some pretty crazy things. hurt my parents, used alot of us for money. She dipped into drugs, lost her kids. I remember one day saying to her a couple years afterwards "You made your bed, now lie in it".
What an immature self-righteous biatch I was.
Today I realized that in the past 6 months.. I have truly forgiven my sister. We are finally building that relationship that we once had. She is an active part of my life and I am hers.
The same holds true with my mom. It's like my anger seems so silly. It's far better to forgive them and enjoy them than to live being angry at them. That didn't help any of us.
Life is too short for that.
It actually makes the thought of reconcile with my w scary. Like I couldn't have both.. because when I was with her, i didn't. I realize I was part of that problem.. but even now when I got so excited for my sister.. I wanted to text w about it.. then I realized that she would have a negative reaction to it.
I'm even thinking about sitting down with my dad. Next to my w, no one has hurt me as deeply.. I was talking about my w one day to my mom and somehow it switched to my dad (w/o even recognizing it) and I found myself yelling over the phone like the 9 year I was when he walked out.
Kinda creepy how many similarities my w and father have.
But I think I'm finally ready to let that go. I'm thinking about sitting down with him when I go home for Christmas and telling him how him walking out made me feel. Not to throw it in his face.. but I think I need to tell him so I can stop punishing him for it. If I stop punishing him for it.. I can heal.. and if I heal.. I can forgive.
The thought of moving home to be closer to the family bounces around in my head. I sit here crying to them about my pain and my mom and sister never tell me how they are doing.. they tell me I have too much on my plate. They don't want me to worry.
Thanks pretty f-ing loving.
But I'm not blind.
I know they are in pain and I kinda want to be there. My mom always acts so strong, but she isn't doing good. I'm starting to ask myself if my career is really worth not being part of their lives. It's not like the doctors said 6 months to live but their time is limited. Will I look back and say - I don't regret moving to LA or will I say - I wish I would have been home to enjoy those last 3 years with them??
I don't have the answer to that question anymore.
Just alot of new feelings for me. I've been homesick for the past 2 wks. I haven't felt that in 10 yrs.
Wanting to forgive and love instead. I want to do that with w too but I just don't know if that's possible while I'm still hurting and going through a D.. but I know it will be possible one day.
Anyway.. that's what's going on in my head at 1 in the morning.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
There's alot on your emotional plate right now. The D, reconciling with family, contemplating a career move if you return back East.
I can't offer you the sage advice like the vets here, but what I do know is you'll handle it gracefully and respectfully as you determine the best course of action.
In my thoughts...
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
