Brief over view: H left two years ago during the middle of an EA followed by a couple of PA's one that lasted a five months. Mine is a familiar story, I did everything wrong initially then discovered DB (books and site) and utilised the invaluable advice of DB councillor who set me on track. I also did the homework reading OP set me and consistently read these boards to keep me focussed.
I detached and worked on myself. My efforts to GAL include resuming my post-grad research and getting involved with theatre production. The relationship with my children is a constant source of happiness and coming home to them at the end of each working day is a blessing.
None of this discounts the months of pain, tears and anguish that I thought would never stop. I actually believed it wouldn't be possible to recover from the emotional brutality of the separation. Of course there are still those isolated days that I find myself struggling with an unexpected intensity of sadness and loss that threatens to overwhelm me - but I've learnt to feel it and work through it. Especially with the help of God.
For well over a year I have heard hardly anything from my H. Weeks and weeks have gone past and then he might turn up for one of the kids sports events, not communicate with me or them and disappear again. His estrangement included not sending birthday messages to kids and not visiting S15 when he broke his arm. They described the loss of their dad to their councillor as being as if he had died.
But thankfully, I have reached a point where I know I can do this on my own and I have started to gain some real clarity back in my life.
And then ...
Seven weeks ago he started turning up to every sports event and sitting with me, which meant we were spending most of Saturday and Sunday together. At one of the events I was supervising an activity for a couple of hours in the centre of the track and he came and joined me to help out. He unexpectedly organised for my car to be serviced and arranged a hire car for me and paid for it (when he left me he had told me that the car was now my responsibility). I remembered reading 25yrsmlc's advice and thanked him in Mother Theresa style! And then he asked if he could come to S17 school function (I asked S, he agreed) but then H joined myself and mutual friends (who he hasn't had anything to do with for two years) for a meal and drinks afterwards.
He mentioned things from the past with fondness (when he left he was adamant he'd been unhappy for years) he was curious about things I was doing and was genuinely smiling and holding my gaze.
He also asked if we could have a 'family dinner' - the two youngest kids agreed so last week and this the four of us have gone to a restaurant together. He asked me last night if we could keep doing this every week.
To add even more confusion to this turn of events, last Monday my lawyers served his with notice for FS - first mediation to take place Nov 15.
Okay, so now I find myself struggling again. What is happening? Do I dare to hope? I am so anxious about navigating my way through this.
First of all - don't jump to conclusions. Just because he is finally stepping up to the plate to see his kids, may or may NOT mean he has any interest in reconciliation. Wait and watch.
Second - I think it is helpful to make a list of WHAT HE WOULD HAVE TO DO to make you feel totally secure in taking him back (should it come to that). The temptation is to just be so happy that they want to come back (again, assuming it comes to that) that the LBS takes them back without making the WAS do the work they need to fix themselves.
For instance - just as an example - I might want to see 6 months of consistent behavior with the kids, regular payment of adequate child support, regular therapy for substance abuse or depression or mental illness (nobody just walks on their kids like that without either a substance abuse issue or mental health issues). Maybe THEN, IF they agreed to total transparency around things like cell phones and email and finances, I might consider dating them.
Now, that's me - you might have different standards. But don't put yourself in the position of welcoming him back home without making him do the work - you'll just jump into a hell of insecurity.
(Plus, just a little warning - sometimes when they turn back up like this, it's because they're going to get married or have a baby and their new OW is encouraging them to reconnect with the kids. Not saying this is your sitch - it probably isn't - but protect your heart until you get a little more info. Does he give YOU any explanation for his sudden change in behavior?)
I'm struggling because once again my mind is filled with constant thoughts of him and what's going on. I'm finding it difficult to reign in my thoughts regarding the hope and possibility that he is trying to make his way back to me against something else ... I'm back to analysing everything.
Now that I get to see him at the weekend, I find the following couple of days a struggle 'cos I don't know what goes on in his life. I don't know if he is with OW. Do I want that pain of knowing all that stuff again??
I'm resisting temptation (thus far;early days) regarding asking him questions and applying pressure but the bottom line is this, it was so much easier for me when I was detached and even though I dreamt of him becoming part of our lives again, I cannot believe how hard this is.
But when do I start asking .. if ever? Is there a way to protect myself from more hurt?
And its great that he is showing an interest in the kids again ... truly wonderful. But I'm concerned for them as well .. is this transient? Is this a touch-and-go?
He became such a different person prior to, during and since bomb drop, can that person now be completely gone?
Its Monday morning here and I know that the it will take til Wednesday to be back in charge of my thoughts again. And then it will be Saturday and it starts again.
Thank you for your response KML - you're last paragraph hit right home. Is that what this is all about? I have managed to come so far and dread going back to that place where we all start. I find that looking forward to seeing him is underpinned with a kind of knot in my stomach just waiting for him to drop another bomb type revelation.
I like your suggestion of a six month wait-and-watch. That gives me a time frame that perhaps takes the pressure off me wrestling with needing to know things now.
I also need to take your advice and not jump to conclusions; I need to be honest with myself. Everything he is suggesting is child-focussed - which is great, but its not about him and me.
You asked if he has given any indication regarding his sudden change of behaviour, and the answer is no. A few times he has been reflective by raising a little of his behaviour over the last two years - and I'm guessing this was to gauge my response - and I have simply listened and remained non judgmental.
Going back over my previous thread that Cadet put up, I am reminded about the good work I put in at the beginning and how it was all thwarted 'cos then he disappeared. But I now see this as a good thing .. it gave me time to work on me and him time to do what he needed to do. But who would know if what he needed to do included working on himself?
I second KML's suggestion of a six month wait and watch. If he is truly willing to put himself back out there, he can hang in that long to prove it. I guess this is a long way of saying,Protect Your Heart.
But when do I start asking .. if ever? Is there a way to protect myself from more hurt?
And its great that he is showing an interest in the kids again ... truly wonderful. But I'm concerned for them as well .. is this transient? Is this a touch-and-go?
He became such a different person prior to, during and since bomb drop, can that person now be completely gone?
kml has given you good advice.
If I am reading this right BD was about 2 years ago. IMHO you might be getting towards the end of the beginning. However I do not really know, that is just a total off the cuff guess.based on TIME.
You might want to review the reconnection threads, which says that they will try to reconnect with things, then animals, kids and finally you. So maybe that is what you are seeing here.
If the OW is still in the picture then he is still in replay. That does not mean that he might not try to reconnect with the kids, or have a touch and go.
I would not ask him anything, let him continue to control the contact and you continue on with your life.
If he wants you then you will know.
I am sorry but I don't remember how old your kids are but I assume they are old enough to make their own judgements and relationships with their father. I would stay out of the way and let them do that.
Try to go back to detachement and do not pursue. While he is in crisis that will not work. And he is still in crisis, that much I am sure.
The links that I gave you last year have been updated so their are some extra ones that I have added. They are on some others threads, if you can not find them let me know and I can add then here. Try clicking on my name and hit show all posts and you should find some more recent ones.
Your post is really helpful Cadet, thank you. The kids are now S22, S18, S15, so old enough to make their decisions regarding their relationship with their father.
There was a question you asked me the other day 'What did I do wrong?' since I last posted at the beginning of 2010 and before H all but disappeared. Its a good question and the answer is, a lot. I didn't truthfully stop the pursuing and I it took me a long time to look honestly at my part in the break-down of my marriage.
Even when I began working with DB principles, I still tried to control; still believed I could manipulate the situation to my advantage.
It took me a long time to 'get it'.
I'm going to try and work my way back to detachment as I feel I've regressed. All those months and months of head-thumping thinking and worrying and imagining and second guessing and that terrible feeling of 'not being there' - especially for the kids - is creeping back in.
I'm back on the roller coaster and I want to get off!
You're right, if he wants me he'll let me know. Everything I've read on the boards indicates that. So thank you for the reminder.
I've managed to find your updates and have printed them off.
And thank you for stopping by and taking the time to help me,
Just back from another dinner with H and the youngest two of the kids and I've returned home with a really positive attitude - not the slump that has followed the previous dinners. Thanks so much team! Read all your advice before I left and kept everything v light and upbeat. I'm going to do just as you suggested and wait and watch for the next six months.
Some curious things that were said: S17 'Dad can you stop doing that (H rubbing S17's arm) H ' But I never get to see you ... I'm starved of ......('didn't finish sentence and I actually thought he was going to cry)
This was followed by an awkward silence which I filled by gently saying to H 'It will get better'. It was a natural response on my part - I felt nothing but compassion for the situation he is in.
S17 smiled at me and H did too.
The rest of the evening was littered with H recalling different family memories and I smiled and listened. A couple of times he suggested to S17 who is going away with friends to celebrate graduation from High School that 'Mum and I can join you'. Again I smiled and said something along the lines of 'I'm sure you don't want us spoiling your fun'.
All up, I think I handled it okay and seem to have regained my clarity - I have to continue living my life, being there for my kids, working on myself and giving thanks to God for keeping me safe in His hands.
