Everwhere is walking distance if you have the time

[ClingingToHope]

I actually didn't open the mail. It was a stack of bills sitting there. That's not really a defense though.

One of the things that hangs out in the back of my head comes from MWD's first book. I think she had in there that 75 percent of the WASs, after five years, wish they'd stuck it out because the grass isn't greener. So I guess that's what I keep trying to figure out -- if that realization is hitting her. It shouldn't matter. Maybe someday it won't matter.

The house remains an issue in my brain. For a long time, I didn't want her to sell because in my head I felt that would be it. Now, I want her to sell. I don't want to go over there and be flooded with those memories.

Of course, the girls want to stay. XW keeps taking them to open houses and they are much smaller and they give her brave faces, but really they don't want to move. Would you?

And these are houses she's looking to buy. If the house does sell, it'll be a short sale, and if she does file Chapter 13, the combination of those things will make her credit so bad the best she'll be able to do is rent. Then the pets likely have to go to grandma's.

That's all down the road though. Those are things she'll have to learn, and unfortunately will have to drag the girls through.

Today's road is fairly clear. Find a way to get through the winter as cheaply as possible. When February and March roll around, I should be on much more solid footing financially.

I exchanged some Facebook messages with OKC this morning. On Monday, when I'm back from Chicago I'll try to nail down a second lunch date and go from there.

I still haven't reupped on Match and I may wait a few more weeks. I might as well let the OKC thing play itself out.

[Drew]

I would encourage you to stop wasting so much emotional energy on your ex. I think you will find that you would have a lot more to spend on yourself and your daughters.

[ClingingToHope]

My sister used to read this site and she said it appeared as if money was a big trigger for me. When I was feeling OK financially, I was OK overall.

The next two months are going to be tight and I'm feeling on edge. When I'm struggling with money I then worry I can't really find anyone anyway, then I get upset with being in this situation ...

It's just a tough domino effect.

In Chicago right now waiting to work the Chicago marathon. Usually, we work two days and make $350. They only asked us to work one day and will make $200. I was hoping for the full $350. My car insurance is due so things are tight.

I have some projects I can work on to help that out, but I won't get paid for them until February and March.

[kat727]

I found by paying my car insurance monthly it really helped. We did this several years ago. Nothing worse than a big insurance bill due the same month as car tags and taxes. Sure may have to pay a dollar a month extra for processing but the smaller payments are worth it.

Kat

[ClingingToHope]

You pay more by paying monthly. I'll find a way through. Marathon was tiring - 17 hour work day, although you spend 4 hours sitting around waiting for the runners to pass by. But it's over.

Going to CALL OKC and ask to do lunch. Asking by message -- now that I have her number -- seems wimpish.

Funny, the guy I spent most of the day working with yesterday was an older guy like me. He got divorced three years ago. Grass is greener thing. According to him, everything revolved her schedule, her wants, her needs and in the end she still didn't want to be married to him.

So they divorced. About 1 1/2 later he started dating a lady. They dated a year and got married. He has two kids, 7 and 9, and he says they love the new wife.

Again, it all takes time.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling

Another rough turn with D9 yesterday. I met with the after school program leader to see what the rules will be for D9 to stay in the program.

We had it all worked out. All D9 had to do was promise she wouldn't "run off" again or be physically aggressive towards the staff.

We didn't even get to the physically aggressive stuff. She refused to even say she wouldn't run off again. She was focused on one of the staffers, saying it was his fault and they should run the program differently ...

Eventually she marched out.

Wow.

So now she is going to get bused daily to a private daycare and watch TV after school with a bunch of 3 year olds. It's the only other option. I can't/not willing to go home every day at 3 p.m.

XW and I agreed we'll have to get tougher when she acts out or refuses to work with us. She was threatening not to ride the bus home, not to come to school.

I took her home and had her for an hour and she couldn't use any electronics. She had to do her homework or read. She did neither. She sat on the couch and stewed.

Later, when she was with XW, she called to apologize.

D12 has a bunch of theater stuff and I'm letting her stay at XW's tonight (my night) and Friday night (my night) because it makes no sense for me to drive her to and from the theater when XW is already going to be there as part of the costume committee.

It also limits my contact with XW. The less I see her the better. I already have to see her for a school meeting next Monday. She's taken to just stopping by lately. Yesterday, she came over at 8:10 a.m. to drop off D12's costume. Today, she came at 8:15 a.m. to drop off D12's makeup. I have to take D12 to the theater.

I worked out Saturday, worked a 17-hour day at the marathon Sunday and worked out again Tuesday morning ... so I think I'm looking good. I've been doing this weightlifting class for nearly a year and it's working for me.

XW looked stressed.

Work is going well. I'm getting some good stories done. More focused. Have some big projects going as well.

OKC and I are supposed to go to lunch tomorrow, although she has a work issue that might force us to postpone. We'll see. Now messaging another lady through Plentyoffish. It's enough to keep my mind occupied.

Coworker is going to lend me the money to file bankruptcy. I'll pay him back $25 a paycheck until spring when I redo my 401(k) loan to eliminate a ton of bills.

My sister and I worked out an agreement on the blog I'm writing for her. She prepaid by $1,050 in the summer. Now, instead of just not paying until I work that amount off, she wants to pay me a little and have me cut into the debt a bit each month. She's looking at her budget. I'm not sure why it isn't better for her not to pay me until I've worked the $1,050 off. I could use the money right now. We worked it out.

She's stressed because she put $16,000 into developing a better web site last winter and the people she hired didn't do what she wanted. Being a business writer, I know people here that I can vouch for that can do the job she wants. So I'm connecting her with them. If it all works out, she'll do better and I'll do better and I'll have gotten my friends some work.

[Drew]

She's taken to just stopping by lately. Yesterday, she came over at 8:10 a.m. to drop off D12's costume. Today, she came at 8:15 a.m. to drop off D12's makeup.

It's only common courtesy to call or text before you just stop by ANYONE'S house but in particular, an exe's.

And I don't think in any way that would be an unreasonable request for you to make.

[ClingingToHope]

Jeez, XW came over again. This, after hearing D9 tell me that "mom says you don't pay for anything."

Twice, I'd sent her texts saying to just keep D12. It made no sense for her to come over here. She just showed up anyway.

The money thing frosts me. Let's see, there's the $11,000 in child support and insurance. There's the five weeks in the summer where I have them or pay for summer camp.

There's the every day gas costs of picking up D9 from school. There's the meals I make every day for both girls after school.
There's the costs of leaving work early to take them to camp.

She also forgets that I borrowed money from my 401(k) to pay off her car. So I struggle with a car loan while she tools around payment free.

Really, after you factor in child support, her paycheck each two weeks is $2,100. Mine is $900.

Rant over.

[mishka422]

Good to rant here and not to her though.

[ClingingToHope]

Well Mishka, I ended up ranting to her. I stewed about it for a while and then thought that this is the kind of thing that killed the marriage. I'd hear something or she'd say or do something and I'd just stuff it inside. She would to. Then when something else went wrong or there was stress it would all just come out.

So I sent her an email saying basically she can't complain about me not paying for things when she didn't ask. She didn't ask me to chip in on dance lessons or the theater stuff.

And I reminded her that I paid thousands of dollars in interest on credit cards that were 100 percent her debt, but she was able to walk away from, as well as all of the final legal expenses.

I haven't checked that email address to see if she responded. But I'm not going to let these things go anymore.

Today was a banner day. D9 just gets worse and worse. Today, school called and said she's been out of control for two hours and I need to pick her up.

I got there and she was happy because she was getting what she wanted -- to go home. Then I remind her that XW decided that if got to the point where she had to leave school then there would be no electronics -- no TV, no Wii, no DS, no computer.

So then suddenly she wanted to stay at school. The principal said no. After a meltdown that long and that much effort to control her, she had to leave.

So it started all over again. I was there 90 minutes. At one point, she started saying she'd kill herself if she left school. So the school called the police and I had to talk to them and they ordered me to take her for a psych evaluation.

XW, who was at the theater with D12, met us at the hospital where we spent three hours together.

God I was a jumbled mess inside. D9 is basically holding everyone hostage. If she doesn't get her way she just keeps upping the ante until she does.

XW and I are supposed to go through this together, but I was just burning inside. I just hated her today.

D9 was fine at the hospital. They had a TV and we couldn't keep her from watching it so she was happy. It was a waste of time and money.

When we left, she knew it was time to serve her punishment so she started all over again, saying outrageously mean things to try to get me to cave. I haven't caved.

She has 24 hours with no electronics and I will keep adding hours when she is disrespectful. It's the disrespect more than anything. She has no respect for anyone.

D12 is staying with XW tonight and XW gave me a funny look when I suggested that. I said it's hard to punish D9 with D12 there because it's such a small house.

Funny, but XW doesn't seem eager to take the kids anymore than she's required to. Made me hate her even more.