Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[JustStunned]

Val, I am sorry you are hurting. I think many of the people on this board grieve together to some extent. Know that this will not last forever. To get beyond the anger and hurt the feelings must be experienced. It is good you have allowed yourself to feel.

Preparing for different anticipated scenarios is how I cope with the stress of an unknown. Rarely has all of my preparation been in vain. Just as rarely has my preparation been 100%. The situation will change, be prepared to adapt, and be confident you have done all you can.

Regardless of whichever w chooses, my response needs to be the same "It does not reflect on me and my self worth".
That is absolutely right this does not define Val!

Do not worry about the right words. Speak and Act with integrity within your personal sense of honor, and the “right” words will come.

I know it is hard to drop that rope. It is painful when we are not ready. Your pain is palpable through this and several other recent posts. It is ok. The rope will fall when you are ready. I cannot point to the moment mine fell. It crept up upon me. There is a peace that accompanies it.

I copied something from thatgirl007 sometime ago and modified it to fit my sitch. Perhaps it can help you also.

“I do still love her but not more than I love myself. Despite all of the good times, our history and the vows we made to each other, she is not good for me - and I do not love myself as much when I am with her, because she doesn't love me the way that a husband should really be loved. It makes me sad that I do not believe in her ability to love me the way that I deserve and I do not believe in her ability to maintain a healthy marriage.”


I could not bring myself to think of moving on, so I think of moving forward.


I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Use your mediator he's there to make progress. You’ll get through tomorrow. Be prepared to take a few days to process the emotions of it.

[25yearsmlc]

So, this is it? Not necessarily Val...

it's just a step towards property division and that is simply a step towards divorce. This "ends" nothing important or lasting if you don't want it to.

Thank you JS. I know it's not the end for me. I know it's a step that I must take. As for the slow changes.. I'm trying to make that ok. I've always been a fast paced girl.


You sure have been fast paced...I recall seeing your 1st post here and all I can say is you are absolutely a fast learner, but part of the reason you've grown with such alacrity is your courage.


--- This week I have been trusting God, myself, and my personal growth to allow those feelings to wash over me. To accept them and realize that they are okay to have. Just because I have them doesn't mean I will let them consume me.

^^great line


I've taken Aeo's advice and have tried to think of as many scenarios that my w will present. There are three outcomes that I think could happen.

1. She will be extremely cold to me.
2. When I start talking about the assets, she will grow extremely angry.
3. She will be pleasant and really think about splitting things fairly. She will be understanding that I do deserve 50%.

I have #3 on the table because I do believe God can change people's hearts.

He can. So if she does #3 OR eventually comes around to that option, don't assume the worst of her or dismiss postives...Maybe her heart did change and you need to give God some credit!

I just for some reason don't think it's going to happen... because I have not received any actions from w taking my feelings into consideration at all. If she would do #3, I feel it would just be so she could move on faster. I feel that if she did #3, it would be for selfish reasons.

why believe the worst of her in the face of good deeds? Why deny God his works revealed? see above...

is it b/c you fear seeing a loving action from her and the confusion that might ensue? if you were anyone else, I'd say you prefer anger but you are you. So I ask...and of course she may Not choose door number 3 but let's not assume the worst of her anyhow. What good does that do?

Regardless of whichever w chooses, my response needs to be the same "It does not reflect on me and my self worth".

^^^100% correct!

Walking in tomorrow knowing that my w will lose alot in our D is very hard for me. Although I realize that these are the consequences to her actions I've always done my best to protect her. I have sacrificed my self worth, my feelings, in all because I thought I was "loving her".

Val, you often said you both had issues and there are mutual aspects to this. Don't revise so much that you are a victim, OR that she is a monster OR that either of you must play either role. You are better than that.

you were together a long time considering the tools you both lacked. Now, YOU have more tools and insight and so YOU will love better and more wisely...

and who knows what she will do? She's not in your "jurisdiction", or "state". You are in charge of yours' and she is of hers. Keep the borders clear.


Tomorrow I will still love her, but I will also love myself. I'm not sure how to convey that to her.

this^^ does Not have to be conveyed on this day. Dividing assets is not usually when couples reflect on their r's or their growth or their love for each other. Just stay calm and

avoid ANY signs of anger for in her eyes they'll be magnified...exude Buddha like calmness...and worry about conveying your love some other time.

Don't confuse todays mission...

That by loving us equally,--- I hope God provides me with the right words. I hope he provides me the strength should those words fall on deaf ears.

lovely sentiments. Know that you can talk to her another day too Val...a better day.

I really hope there is no small talk tomorrow. It's just not healthy for me. I wish I could be healthier and handle it as just that.. but I can't. It hurts.
---- I realize that she is 2% in my life, 98% not.. but until I can see that 98% as being okay.. I should probably eliminate the 2%.

I am trying to find a loving way to say this. One that says I have not locked the door and that I care about her deeply, but her being in my life w/o being in my life is not okay for me. When/If she decides to make a commitment to invest in my life as someone she truly cares about, I will be there. Until then, I prefer she leave me alone.

Val, realistically a recon would occur after some probing motions. So, in a way you can't have all or nothing b/c it'll be nothing and it's tough to go from that to all.

Something in between would likely be needed or...what? No contact at all and then suddenly she'd know AND you'd know that it's the right time to reconcile?

You'd have to get to know each other all over again anyhow...you both are changing no doubt. So...be careful what you wish for.

And please don't see this day as the "Resolve ALL issues" day...b/c this IS a process.

let it happen in STEPS...

Today's step is a property dividing step, a legal/financial one.

As you said, She is going to lose a lot and that would sting the best of us...so That's enough to process for now, don't you think? I'm betting it is for her.


I don't want it to come off as angry and probably something that I will not say tomorrow.. but it weighs on my heart heavily.


understood...


I just kinda feel like I am worth it. I'm worth investing time into. I feel like she never fully invested into me.

You are worth it...BUT then you devolved into "stinkin' thinkin' " with the "She never loved me or "fully invested into me" stuff....don't go there. You were/are in charge of investing in YOU...and

You were m to a woman and she to you. That takes some guts and some LOVE to do...you loved each other and I'm sure there is still love remaining there too...

Don't diminish what was b/c it is no longer, or it has taken a new form.

Whether that is she actually didn't care, or she was afraid or whatever. Whatever her reasons are valid and hers alone, but does not excuse the hurt she has caused, nor does it excuse her not being able to fully commit or let go.

Val...where are you going with this? IDK what it means...but I know you are hurt...okay, vent away...

If I read this above in another sitch, I would encourage them to accept those feelings and not use them as an excuse to do any action.. but all I can think at the moment is that If I don't start seeing it in that way.. I may never move on.
when you can, explain this^^^....when you can.

For now, take a breath, trust that God will strengthen you to face whatever comes, for He will...and

know that you have LESS to lose than she does...let that empower you in a loving way - so you feel safe.

((( )))

[Valeska19]

So, this is it? Not necessarily Val...

it's just a step towards property division and that is simply a step towards divorce. This "ends" nothing important or lasting if you don't want it to.
I don't know what you mean by this? Can you explain?

Thank you JS. I know it's not the end for me. I know it's a step that I must take. As for the slow changes.. I'm trying to make that ok. I've always been a fast paced girl.


You sure have been fast paced...I recall seeing your 1st post here and all I can say is you are absolutely a fast learner, but part of the reason you've grown with such alacrity is your courage.


Thank you. That means alot because I feel like a chickensh!t in alot of ways recently.

--- This week I have been trusting God, myself, and my personal growth to allow those feelings to wash over me. To accept them and realize that they are okay to have. Just because I have them doesn't mean I will let them consume me.

^^great line


I've taken Aeo's advice and have tried to think of as many scenarios that my w will present. There are three outcomes that I think could happen.

1. She will be extremely cold to me.
2. When I start talking about the assets, she will grow extremely angry.
3. She will be pleasant and really think about splitting things fairly. She will be understanding that I do deserve 50%.

I have #3 on the table because I do believe God can change people's hearts.

He can. So if she does #3 OR eventually comes around to that option, don't assume the worst of her or dismiss postives...Maybe her heart did change and you need to give God some credit!

Yes I should. Thank you for the reminder.
I just for some reason don't think it's going to happen... because I have not received any actions from w taking my feelings into consideration at all. If she would do #3, I feel it would just be so she could move on faster. I feel that if she did #3, it would be for selfish reasons.

why believe the worst of her in the face of good deeds? Why deny God his works revealed? see above...

is it b/c you fear seeing a loving action from her and the confusion that might ensue? if you were anyone else, I'd say you prefer anger but you are you. So I ask...and of course she may Not choose door number 3 but let's not assume the worst of her anyhow. What good does that do?

YES!! I fear it.. so much.. because I believe her good deeds so easily and then she does something that hurts and I am disappointed. Assuming the worst is because I have a hard time stopping myself from hoping for the best. I don't know how to get to a place where I'm in the middle.
Regardless of whichever w chooses, my response needs to be the same "It does not reflect on me and my self worth".

^^^100% correct!

Walking in tomorrow knowing that my w will lose alot in our D is very hard for me. Although I realize that these are the consequences to her actions I've always done my best to protect her. I have sacrificed my self worth, my feelings, in all because I thought I was "loving her".

Val, you often said you both had issues and there are mutual aspects to this. Don't revise so much that you are a victim, OR that she is a monster OR that either of you must play either role. You are better than that.

you were together a long time considering the tools you both lacked. Now, YOU have more tools and insight and so YOU will love better and more wisely...

and who knows what she will do? She's not in your "jurisdiction", or "state". You are in charge of yours' and she is of hers. Keep the borders clear.


Ok. I will try. I'm not trying to re-write history but I don't know what to do with things I am discovering about myself. Things like my wife said I was socially awkward or didn't like to try new things. Neither of those are true. I feel like I easily jump to blame myself vs. seeing her part. Now I'm trying to see her part in this as well but I can see how that very easily can turn Val into the victim and W into the monster. Something I need to work on so I don't put us in those categories.

Tomorrow I will still love her, but I will also love myself. I'm not sure how to convey that to her.

this^^ does Not have to be conveyed on this day. Dividing assets is not usually when couples reflect on their r's or their growth or their love for each other. Just stay calm and

avoid ANY signs of anger for in her eyes they'll be magnified...exude Buddha like calmness...and worry about conveying your love some other time.

Don't confuse todays mission...

That by loving us equally,--- I hope God provides me with the right words. I hope he provides me the strength should those words fall on deaf ears.

lovely sentiments. Know that you can talk to her another day too Val...a better day.

It just doesn't feel like another day will happen. I will keep it to business but it seems like she is in high gear to push this D through. I get the feeling that once this is over, she won't talk to me again. We'll never really talk about m or have any kind of relationship again. She says she just rather move on than deal with me. I believe her.. and it scares me.. I guess because there is so much still left unsaid..
I really hope there is no small talk tomorrow. It's just not healthy for me. I wish I could be healthier and handle it as just that.. but I can't. It hurts.
---- I realize that she is 2% in my life, 98% not.. but until I can see that 98% as being okay.. I should probably eliminate the 2%.

I am trying to find a loving way to say this. One that says I have not locked the door and that I care about her deeply, but her being in my life w/o being in my life is not okay for me. When/If she decides to make a commitment to invest in my life as someone she truly cares about, I will be there. Until then, I prefer she leave me alone.

Val, realistically a recon would occur after some probing motions. So, in a way you can't have all or nothing b/c it'll be nothing and it's tough to go from that to all.

Something in between would likely be needed or...what? No contact at all and then suddenly she'd know AND you'd know that it's the right time to reconcile?

You'd have to get to know each other all over again anyhow...you both are changing no doubt. So...be careful what you wish for.

I don't wish for this at all by any means. I have these feelings but its not a decision I feel at peace about. I don't know if I ever will though. Honestly, I don't know how to get myself to a place where she can probe and it doesn't re-open wounds or I manage my expectations. It doesn't feel like I am running away from trying to do that - It just feels like I am failing at it still - after 6 months! So I want to do something that I know will heal my wounds and yes I know that if I did that.. it would be nothing.
And please don't see this day as the "Resolve ALL issues" day...b/c this IS a process.

let it happen in STEPS...

Today's step is a property dividing step, a legal/financial one.

As you said, She is going to lose a lot and that would sting the best of us...so That's enough to process for now, don't you think? I'm betting it is for her.
[/color]
Yes it will.

I don't want it to come off as angry and probably something that I will not say tomorrow.. but it weighs on my heart heavily.


understood...


I just kinda feel like I am worth it. I'm worth investing time into. I feel like she never fully invested into me.

You are worth it...BUT then you devolved into "stinkin' thinkin' " with the "She never loved me or "fully invested into me" stuff....don't go there. You were/are in charge of investing in YOU...and

You were m to a woman and she to you. That takes some guts and some LOVE to do...you loved each other and I'm sure there is still love remaining there too...

Don't diminish what was b/c it is no longer, or it has taken a new form.


Thanks for that.
Whether that is she actually didn't care, or she was afraid or whatever. Whatever her reasons are valid and hers alone, but does not excuse the hurt she has caused, nor does it excuse her not being able to fully commit or let go.

Val...where are you going with this? IDK what it means...but I know you are hurt...okay, vent away...
Yes. This goes alot deeper. Alot of what she has said in passing and what has happened. I'll journal about it soon.

If I read this above in another sitch, I would encourage them to accept those feelings and not use them as an excuse to do any action.. but all I can think at the moment is that If I don't start seeing it in that way.. I may never move on.
when you can, explain this^^^....when you can. [color:#3366FF]Will do.

For now, take a breath, trust that God will strengthen you to face whatever comes, for He will...and

know that you have LESS to lose than she does...let that empower you in a loving way - so you feel safe.

Ok. Thanks 25!

((( )))[/color]

[Valeska19]

I know it is hard to drop that rope. It is painful when we are not ready. Your pain is palpable through this and several other recent posts. It is ok. The rope will fall when you are ready. I cannot point to the moment mine fell. It crept up upon me. There is a peace that accompanies it.

Thanks. I just feel the pressure that I should be letting go of the d@mn rope. I'm sure it's partly self-inflicted. I feel that I'll never be ready or that I won't have a peace about it. That it's a more of a "let it go and deal with it" thing. I pray to God to give me peace, but I'm impatient. It doesn't help that my whole world of friends are telling me to let go of the rope, my family is, my wife is.. why shouldn't I?

Because I love her? Because I want to be married to her? So what? Are those good enough reasons? Idk.. anymore. I know I can have those feelings and still let go.. but right now they are too connected for me.

I probably GAL as much as JB. I try to manage my expectations of her. I make an effort to change and be the best Val.. but I'm still holding on the GD rope!! I'm frustrated with myself clearly...

I don't want be someone who is waiting around 10 yrs for a person to come back. I'm afraid that could be me. That I could love w so blindly that I'm not open to reality.

I also feel like in many ways I've waited long enough but I know that is coming from a place of hurt right now. Only time will tell if its true.

“I do still love her but not more than I love myself. Despite all of the good times, our history and the vows we made to each other, she is not good for me - and I do not love myself as much when I am with her, because she doesn't love me the way that a husband should really be loved. It makes me sad that I do not believe in her ability to love me the way that I deserve and I do not believe in her ability to maintain a healthy marriage.”

Well this made me weep like a baby last night. Did it have that effect on you?

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Use your mediator he's there to make progress. You’ll get through tomorrow. Be prepared to take a few days to process the emotions of it.

Thank you JS! I appreciate you in my life!

[Endeavour]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Val. ((()))

[Valeska19]

Thank you E.. especially for the hug.

I'm a HUGE hugger in my non-virtual form.. so virtual hugs mean alot as well.

[25yearsmlc]

well....when are we going to know if you're okay??

Sending you good vibes and prayers...

((( )))

[Valeska19]

mediation isn't until 5:15 PST. Getting ready now.

I will definitely let you know but I am okay now and I will be okay at 7:01 (which is when mediation ends).

Thank you for the prayers and good vibes. Much appreciated!

[25yearsmlc]

I was a little worried...

((( )))

[wawinla]

V:

Praying that things are going well this afternoon!