Wife is angrier after my 180

[2thepoint]

Need help to understand the female mind. My wife says it is over, she is done,too little too late, etc. So, after a week of soul searching I have done a complete 180 - doing all the household chores, tending the kids (boys 9 & 13), running all the errands, etc. All the things my wife said I was lacking. I've gone out of my way to do the right thing and am actually feeling pretty good about it and myself. However, my wife says that while she appreciates me really stepping up, all the things I am now doing I should have been doing all along and she is actually angrier at me than she when she dropped the bomb.

I don't understand the additional anger. Anyone able to shed some light on these feelings of her's? I sincerely want to save my marriage. Help!

[~ kd ~]

We talk about not mind reading around here... IOW, we cannot know why your W is saying what she is... but... there are likely a few reasons for this response of her's... Most likely, because she sees it as pursuing... you doing things FOR her, rather than doing them because you want to...

You will need to be honest with yourself and think about whether this is something that you WANT to do and that you will make a consistent change in your life... with or without your W...

She will deny your changes, she'll be angry for the reasons she claims, she will not think the changes are real... or at least, it's likely...

Never do a 180 as a tactic to try to win your spouse back... do things because you are working on becoming a better person than you already were... and do these things if you intend to keep doing them... regardless of whether your W comes back to the M...

[JustStunned]

Kaffe is right, she will likely see these as temporary gestures motivated by this crisis.

Look hard and deep these are surface symptoms of a greater general objection. That your 180 should address.

Your 180's are for you, to make you a better person in a relationship. If she sees them, believes they are real and permanent changes, that makes maintaining a relationship more attractive, then that is a side benefit.

Please stick with one thread. It make following your journey easier.

[Grocerykartman]

doing all the household chores, tending the kids (boys 9 & 13), running all the errands, etc. All the things my wife said I was lacking. I've gone out of my way to do the right thing and am actually feeling pretty good about it and myself.

2thepoint,

Here's how I read your post: You are thinking in extremes. ALL the household chores, ALL the errands, etc. If this is really the case, your doing all of it looks phony to her, because its a pace that you can't possibly keep up with even when things are going well, not to mention after the bomb. Nobody should be doing ALL of anything, would you agree?

Also, I notice you say you are going out of your way to do the right thing. That doesn't sound very genuine. The right thing rgearding household chores and errands and tending to your kids shouldn't be going "out of your way" too much. What is sounds like is you have went to the other extreme of doing all these things too much, and you actually sound tired or like you are looking for some credit when you say it like that. No one's going to give you credit for things you are supposed to do, or at least think you went out of your way to do household chores or tend to your kids.

And I'm not saying this is truly how you're thinking. It is just how your post reads to me. Feel free to disagree if I am off base.

Anyway, let's pretend you had a buddy who constantly did something that perturbed you, say fibbing to you or borrowing small sums of money and never repaying it, or something along those lines. Something not really huge that causes you never to speak to that person again, but just agitates you more and more as it keeps occurring over the years. Finally it gets to the point where you want to go down different roads from this friend, due to this. Your friend, then, valuing your friendship and realizing his error, offers to stop doing whatever it is that is angering you. You know after years of putting up with it that, perhaps this can be achieved, but he won't be able to change just like that, and you doubt that he will. You wonder if he is only going to start paying you back the money now that you won't be going fishing with him anymore or hanging out. Ya know, why couldn't he have just made an effort to pay back the money or be honest with you while you hadn't reached the end of your rope with the dude?

See, it's not just the female mind, it's the human mind. People tend to resent others when they only make positive changes after things have gotten too far gone. Changes need to be made, or at least a strong effort needs to be made, while the relationship is strong.

All that said, you may be able to fix this...but not over a weeks time. You need to slow way down here and just do chores and tend to your kids as it feels appropriate and genuine for you. Not how it occurs to you so that you can save your marriage or impress your wife. Do the right things because they're the right things, not to get your wife back or out of the "bomb" mode.

I wish you well.

[adinva]

First of all, I'll give you a pat on the back for working hard to save your marriage. What you are doing is not easy, so good job.

IMO you need to look deeper. The chores and kid tending are surface things. Why for years have you two been on different pages? Have you been taking her for granted? Not communicating effectively? Speaking love with your words but disrespect with your actions? There are harder things you need to do that will get you to where you're a partner and not either a slacker or a slave. You and she need to learn to communicate her needs AND your needs, and meet in the middle.

There are great books you can read like Five Love Languages to try to understand better where you weren't connecting.

Maybe some counseling sessions with her would help you dig deeper to find out what went wrong and what you need to learn to improve yourself. Don't worry about what she did wrong or needs to fix. She needs to see you changing first, to begin to think there's something worth saving.

[2thepoint]

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I appreciate it tremendously!

Being new here I didn't understand why my original post didn't show up after several hours which is why I posted again. I get the moderator thing now and guess my 2 posts were pending overnight.

I made a poor choice of words when stating that I was "going out of my way". I actually meant that I was working really hard to do the right thing. Words have meaning, so I need to be more careful!

As is the case with every marriage, there are many things that precipitated my current situation. I bear the brunt of the blame and am trying to make things right for the sake of my marriage, my family and because it is the right thing to do. I was just trying to understand the anger now that I have made a real effort to improve.

I didn't realize that this might be construed as pursuing and I definitely want to avoid that. I do want my wife and my life back so I continue to seek to understand what else I need to do to right this ship. I've signed up for DB counseling and my first session was very helpful. I struggle though with where to go from here. My wife has been going to counseling for some time now and it has helped her to figure out who she is (she has struggled with this since I first met her over 20 years ago). But, it apparently has also helped her to realize rightly or wrongly that I am perhaps the source of many of her problems and that the only solution is that we break apart. She is not interested in going to marriage counseling even though I asked her and also asked why she didn't think we could and should have done so long ago. She doesn't have a good answer for this.

We have never been good at communicating with one another. She has been "communicating" with me but I haven't heard what she has been saying. Most of the time it feels like she is nagging and only interested in finding fault. Part of my problem stems from her lack of support when I am disciplining the children. She often contradicts me in front of the children which absolutely drives me insane. She also has a "friend" who she texts and calls and skypes with everyday which is also driving me batty. This "friend" thing has been going on for over a year now! I do though feel that we could both benefit tremendously from MC but I don't see it in my immediate future.

Regarding my 180; yes it has been mostly superficial things as I described in my original post above. I understand that these are things I should have been doing all along and as I said, I really do feel good about taking ownership. I just need to understand how to make these changes look and feel genuine in her eyes and more importantly, how to demonstrate love with my actions. I guess I've got a lot of learning AND some additional reading to do.


Thanks again everyone for the feedback and encouragement!

[~¤DG¤~]

When you first start posting your are on moderation so your posts may not show up for a while. Don't be discouraged, keep posting and eventually you won't be. It's just to eliminate trolls, I think.

As for your W's anger, of course I can't speak for her but I think part of her anger could be because it took her saying she was done-and meaning it- for you to step it up.

I also think that doing everything around the house is a bit extreme. You need to ask yourself if you'll enjoy doing that for the rest of your life.
It's about finding balance.

Continue working on you, stop pursuing her and be there for your kids.

[2thepoint]

Quick update: One of the posters suggested I pick up a copy of the 5 Love Languages, so I did last night and read a few chapters including the one that covers Words of Affirmation. Wow! What an eye opener!

This morning I took one of my sons to the gym with me and then to get us both a haircut, (good bonding time). After I got home I made a point to try a little affirmation exercise with my wife. Without going into specifics, I told my wife that although people don't appreciate the things she does in a certain area, I do and I appreciate her for her dedication and hard work. She seemed to light up when I told her this and that led us into a very pleasant conversation about our children. Small steps I guess! It felt good though! I will keep looking for opportunities to apply words of affirmation when it is appropriate.

Keeping hope alive!!

[2thepoint]

Shortly after my last update my wife informed me that her long planned business trip had been cancelled. I was sympathetic since I know she had been looking forward to the trip and she doesn't get to travel for business very much. I asked her when her trip was planned and she said it was the week of her birthday (oops! guess I should have know that!). I told her we could celebrate her birthday with the family. Then she tearfully informs me that she wants to go away by herself, that she needs time away. I tell her that I'll support whatever she needs to do but then also say that we should go away together, that part of our problem in our marriage is that we don't do things for us. The conversation then turned to my wife complimenting me on the great effort (helping around the house, etc.) I have been making lately and how much she appreciates it and that she is also starting to feel guilty. I tell her that that is not my goal. I want to change my ways and show her that I can and will continue. She says I should do it for me and the kids. I add it is for her too. It is all a little teary for both of us and the last thing I say is I don't want to pressure you and with that she turned and walked out of the room.

Later, I made dinner for the family which we all enjoyed. My wife however seemed distant and a little sad.

I know I have to stop the pursuing behavior. It is just so damned difficult!!!

[2thepoint]

Update: I got new ears today! Hearing aids that is. This has been a major sore spot with my wife for quite awhile and so I got the hearing checked and got the aids that will hopefully help me to hear better. I'm really hoping that this effort on top of all the others will demonstrate to my wife that I do want to change for the good and am doing my best to address all the areas that need my focus and attention. Communication is our biggest challenge, even without this present crisis! I hope and pray that we can get to a place where we can talk with each other instead of talking at each other.